I found this on another forum... it was taken from Mars & Venus; Starting Over by John Gray, Ph.D. The highlighted areas are points I found important.
"Sometimes even when we are the ones who are the victims, we feel guilty for leaving. We may mistakenly feel sorry for our partners, when really they should be feeling sorry for the ways they have hurt us. This tendency to feel guilty is the result of suppressing the four healing emotions.
There are basically four ways our minds will suppress our emotional reactions to cause us to feel guilty about leaving. They are denial, justification, rationalization, and self-blame. Let's look at each in greater detail.
*Denial We say to ourselves that our partner really didn't mistreat us. We ignore what happened. To overcome being stuck in denial, we need to feel our anger. Anger reveals what happened that we didn't want, which we might otherwise overlook.
* Justification We defend what happened by making excuses for our partner. We might say, "Well, he didn't mean to do it." To overcome being stuck in justification, we need to feel our sadness. Sadness reveals what didn't happen that we wanted to happen. Sadness reminds us of what we are not getting instead of focusing on the reasons he didn't support us.
*Rationalization We tell ourselves that what happened really doesn't matter so much for a variety of reasons. We might say, "It could be much worse." To overcome being stuck in rationalizations, we need to feel our fear of never getting what we want and need. Fear reveals to us what could happen that we do not want to happen. It helps us to recognize what is important to us and not just what is important to our partner.
*Self-Blame We blame ourselves for provoking unwanted behavior. We might say, "If I had approached him differently, then he would not have..." Or "She did that, but I did this." To overcome being stuck in self-blame, we need to feel our sorrow. Sorrow assists us in recognizing what we cannot change. By feeling powerless to change our partner, we stop imagining that we are responsible for his or her mistreatment.
When these four tendencies prevent us from feeling our negative emotions, they are a problem. By taking the time to explore our negative feelings, we can clearly recognize the truth of a situation. Then we can make a decision to leave without feeling bad or guiltyl.
It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us. If we are not getting what we need, then the most loving behavior is to end a relationship. If we discover that we do not feel our partner is right for us, then it is time to move on. Rather then end the relationship because our partner is inadequate or abusive in some way, end the relationship with forgiveness, but also with a recognition that he is not the right person for you."
I felt this was so important to post today, as I am struggling with guilt. From this, I can see that I am suppressing my emotional reactions. Therefore, I feel that I am "stuck" in my healing. Last night I was penning a letter to my STBX and literally mentioned I was making amends that I "allowed my detachment to further his alcohol use and thereby causing so much physical health problems for him." Are you kidding me???
Yes, I did that! Even though I KNOW that I didn't have any control over his alcohol abuse!
I have been so concerned with not expressing my anger and resentment - so that I can be the reasonable one...so that I don't make life too difficult for my spouse - that I am not being TRUE TO MYSELF!
Upon further examination, I can see that I am also doing this so that I can provide a "healthy" response model for my son. I don't want him to hate his father. But again, I am reminded that his emotions over this whole fiasco is HIS to own. I think that what I am doing is partly good... but I have to admit to my STBX that I am currently working through feelings of Anger, Resentment & Sadness. I am trying, but I am not yet ready to "be friends."
Last night I ended up leaving a very fun party in tears. I spent an hour reading posts on here, and then another hour writing the letter to my RAH. It is now obvious to me that I am pushing my feelings down.
Thanks for letting me process.
Peace
SerenityRUS said
Jan 1, 2018
This is a great post and share. Something i did was i wrote a LOT out and then i burned it up. It was a way for me to physically let go. Apparently it's something I need to do for the new year. Guilt is a great emotion just like anger it is a motivation for change. This is not a bad thing. Where guilt and anger get people into trouble is hanging on to it and living in those emotions. I do want to caution you about rushing through this part of processing. I think writing a letter to your STBX and keeping it for now you might find you want to revise it. Doing an amends during highs or lows doesn't seem like a good idea. I lose focus on my prime objective which is keeping it about me and my behavior. I gotta check my motives. Great processing!! It's healing and that's a good place to be. :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 1, 2018
I so agree, Serenity! I went back and revised my letter. The whole reason for the letter is because my RAH wants some answers regarding the divorce petition, and I am not ready to talk with him. So I was hoping with this letter, he would get the "answers" he needs and stop calling me. So the letter explains some of the details of the petition, thanks him for the good times (there were a few), but really focuses on me and what I need moving forward.
hotrod said
Jan 1, 2018
I can readily identify with all the negative tools that have been identified in this article. I too used . Denial. justification. self blame and rationalization as my go to tools to live by. Thanks to the Steps and a sponsor I uncovered these defects and saw how they hurt me. When HP lifted them I found they were hiding my positive responses such as: courage, compassion, empathy, kindness, respect and how grateful I am to program for giving me back my true self Keep on working it PP recovery it is a process If hubby needs an explanation regarding the papers, I would suggest that he consult his own ATTORNEY
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 1, 2018
hotrod - "If hubby needs an explanation regarding the papers, I would suggest that he consult his own ATTORNEY"
In most cases, I would say you are right hotrod, but his addictions left us both destitute - no monies for attorneys. He is in rehab with absolutely nothing, but trying to work on himself. So do I owe him an explanation? No, but I am trying to be find the compassion. I believe I am doing it to move forward and relieve some of my anger.
hotrod said
Jan 1, 2018
PP I do understand however if he is in rehab they do provide counselors and I would suggest that he talk to his rehab counselor to help with issues that he finds confusing --This way you cannot be blamed for misleading him
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 1, 2018
Good point! Thank you!
SerenityRUS said
Jan 1, 2018
Hotrod expressed what I was thinking .. this isn't your stuff to JADE .. he needs to put his big boy pants on and deal. I go back to he's exactly where he needs to be to do that .. hugs .. s :)
jtpickle said
Jan 2, 2018
Wow - what a great post! This has really helped me to understand more about myself and what I've been feeling and doing with those feelings. Thank you!
Also, thank you Serenity for JADE - I had never heard of that acronym before but it makes perfect sense. It will definitely help me to be aware of my thoughts and actions.
Iamhere said
Jan 2, 2018
Good morning all - powerful post and shares. I too thought of JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Practicing 'this' was so opposite of how I was before recovery.
Betty says often/always - recovery results in changed attitudes - so true for me. Sending out positive thoughts and prayers that we all have a lovely day!
2HP said
Jan 2, 2018
Anything that helps ME take responsibility for my life is a helpful read. I am glad you feel helped by what you found.
My experience is, once I filed, I stopped explaining anything to him and just committed to my decision to move on. It had taken me YEARS to make the decision and once I did, I was committed to it, no more talking with him about anything other than the business of divorcing. The remnants of my anger was shared with my sponsor. I stopped telling him how he let me down, and failed to be what I expected him to be. By the time I filed, I had real acceptance of him as he was. Live and Let Live! I kept telling myself.
It was a process and I was well supported, my sponsor talked with me every day and we met once a week, I'm sure it's the only way I was able to maintain this attitude. The only personal thing I had to say to him after my decision to divorce, was my personal amends to him, about two years later. I told him I no longer held him accountable for my unhappiness in life. I delivered the amends like a steady rock, taking responsibility for ME and it felt amazing. I had changed into someone he no longer recognized.
I had worked a fearless and searching inventory which took a LOT of time and processing with the help of a steady sponsor. Five pages of inventory helped me see how I was the one to blame for much of my suffering... I had chosen him despite all the suffering I had endured long before our wedding. I chose to make a home with him and then after years of suffering, I chose to stay as long as I stayed... making the unofficial slogan Let Go or Be Dragged so perfect for me. I hung on to a sinking ship.... it was ME hanging on. Realizing this felt like an earthquake inside me, it was a dramatic shift and I just stopped blaming him. I just let him go. I no longer felt tied to him anymore, and this permitted me to truly move on.
Holding onto the anger was very hard on my heart... me causing ME harm. I went through a long process of forgiving myself... Using the 12 steps, day after day... empowered me to move on for real, and make better choices for myself. Today I see my former alcoholic husband as an instrument that God used to help ME overcome my own shortcomings, and be who I am meant to be.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 2nd of January 2018 12:28:28 PM
Jerry F said
Jan 2, 2018
This is a very supportive post. It touches on and supports much of my own journey and recovery. I did it as we did it and got very similar results...how miraculous!...Because this works it is what I also pass on to the members in need, the newbies etc. Sending my gratitude to Al-Anon and MIP for the serenity restoring ESH. (((((hugs))))) Happy New Year...
Aline said
Jan 2, 2018
Thanks so much for sharing this, PnP... I'll definitely need to get back to this post. Especially the anger part strikes me as very relevant for me. I can see how I seem to have bypassed anger regarding some pretty specific situations in the past and actually manage to "forget" again and again these certain not pretty things that would definitely warrant anger. Instead my mind just keeps skipping it, to the point where I'd (again) "forgotten" (I guess "denied" might be more accurate...). I've never gotten angry about these particular things, not when they happened, not later. Just sad and victimized, I guess... I feel I've never really processed them in a human way, lol. I wonder now what to do about it, or, more precisely WHEN to do something about it. I feel I need to go back to the events, and I'm just not up for it right now... I'll write this down so I don't forget again... I suppose the right time will present itself.
I found this on another forum... it was taken from Mars & Venus; Starting Over by John Gray, Ph.D. The highlighted areas are points I found important.
"Sometimes even when we are the ones who are the victims, we feel guilty for leaving. We may mistakenly feel sorry for our partners, when really they should be feeling sorry for the ways they have hurt us. This tendency to feel guilty is the result of suppressing the four healing emotions.
There are basically four ways our minds will suppress our emotional reactions to cause us to feel guilty about leaving. They are denial, justification, rationalization, and self-blame. Let's look at each in greater detail.
*Denial
We say to ourselves that our partner really didn't mistreat us. We ignore what happened. To overcome being stuck in denial, we need to feel our anger. Anger reveals what happened that we didn't want, which we might otherwise overlook.
*
Justification
We defend what happened by making excuses for our partner. We might say, "Well, he didn't mean to do it." To overcome being stuck in justification, we need to feel our sadness. Sadness reveals what didn't happen that we wanted to happen. Sadness reminds us of what we are not getting instead of focusing on the reasons he didn't support us.
*Rationalization
We tell ourselves that what happened really doesn't matter so much for a variety of reasons. We might say, "It could be much worse." To overcome being stuck in rationalizations, we need to feel our fear of never getting what we want and need. Fear reveals to us what could happen that we do not want to happen. It helps us to recognize what is important to us and not just what is important to our partner.
*Self-Blame
We blame ourselves for provoking unwanted behavior. We might say, "If I had approached him differently, then he would not have..." Or "She did that, but I did this." To overcome being stuck in self-blame, we need to feel our sorrow. Sorrow assists us in recognizing what we cannot change. By feeling powerless to change our partner, we stop imagining that we are responsible for his or her mistreatment.
When these four tendencies prevent us from feeling our negative emotions, they are a problem. By taking the time to explore our negative feelings, we can clearly recognize the truth of a situation. Then we can make a decision to leave without feeling bad or guiltyl.
It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us. If we are not getting what we need, then the most loving behavior is to end a relationship. If we discover that we do not feel our partner is right for us, then it is time to move on. Rather then end the relationship because our partner is inadequate or abusive in some way, end the relationship with forgiveness, but also with a recognition that he is not the right person for you."
I felt this was so important to post today, as I am struggling with guilt. From this, I can see that I am suppressing my emotional reactions. Therefore, I feel that I am "stuck" in my healing. Last night I was penning a letter to my STBX and literally mentioned I was making amends that I "allowed my detachment to further his alcohol use and thereby causing so much physical health problems for him." Are you kidding me???
Yes, I did that! Even though I KNOW that I didn't have any control over his alcohol abuse!
I have been so concerned with not expressing my anger and resentment - so that I can be the reasonable one...so that I don't make life too difficult for my spouse - that I am not being TRUE TO MYSELF!
Upon further examination, I can see that I am also doing this so that I can provide a "healthy" response model for my son. I don't want him to hate his father. But again, I am reminded that his emotions over this whole fiasco is HIS to own. I think that what I am doing is partly good... but I have to admit to my STBX that I am currently working through feelings of Anger, Resentment & Sadness. I am trying, but I am not yet ready to "be friends."
Last night I ended up leaving a very fun party in tears. I spent an hour reading posts on here, and then another hour writing the letter to my RAH. It is now obvious to me that I am pushing my feelings down.
Thanks for letting me process.
Peace
I can readily identify with all the negative tools that have been identified in this article. I too used . Denial. justification. self blame and rationalization as my go to tools to live by. Thanks to the Steps and a sponsor I uncovered these defects and saw how they hurt me. When HP lifted them I found they were hiding my positive responses such as: courage, compassion, empathy, kindness, respect and how grateful I am to program for giving me back my true self
Keep on working it PP recovery it is a process
If hubby needs an explanation regarding the papers, I would suggest that he consult his own ATTORNEY
hotrod - "If hubby needs an explanation regarding the papers, I would suggest that he consult his own ATTORNEY"
In most cases, I would say you are right hotrod, but his addictions left us both destitute - no monies for attorneys. He is in rehab with absolutely nothing, but trying to work on himself. So do I owe him an explanation? No, but I am trying to be find the compassion. I believe I am doing it to move forward and relieve some of my anger.
Wow - what a great post! This has really helped me to understand more about myself and what I've been feeling and doing with those feelings. Thank you!
Also, thank you Serenity for JADE - I had never heard of that acronym before but it makes perfect sense. It will definitely help me to be aware of my thoughts and actions.
Betty says often/always - recovery results in changed attitudes - so true for me. Sending out positive thoughts and prayers that we all have a lovely day!
Anything that helps ME take responsibility for my life is a helpful read. I am glad you feel helped by what you found.
My experience is, once I filed, I stopped explaining anything to him and just committed to my decision to move on. It had taken me YEARS to make the decision and once I did, I was committed to it, no more talking with him about anything other than the business of divorcing. The remnants of my anger was shared with my sponsor. I stopped telling him how he let me down, and failed to be what I expected him to be. By the time I filed, I had real acceptance of him as he was. Live and Let Live! I kept telling myself.
It was a process and I was well supported, my sponsor talked with me every day and we met once a week, I'm sure it's the only way I was able to maintain this attitude. The only personal thing I had to say to him after my decision to divorce, was my personal amends to him, about two years later. I told him I no longer held him accountable for my unhappiness in life. I delivered the amends like a steady rock, taking responsibility for ME and it felt amazing. I had changed into someone he no longer recognized.
I had worked a fearless and searching inventory which took a LOT of time and processing with the help of a steady sponsor. Five pages of inventory helped me see how I was the one to blame for much of my suffering... I had chosen him despite all the suffering I had endured long before our wedding. I chose to make a home with him and then after years of suffering, I chose to stay as long as I stayed... making the unofficial slogan Let Go or Be Dragged so perfect for me. I hung on to a sinking ship.... it was ME hanging on. Realizing this felt like an earthquake inside me, it was a dramatic shift and I just stopped blaming him. I just let him go. I no longer felt tied to him anymore, and this permitted me to truly move on.
Holding onto the anger was very hard on my heart... me causing ME harm. I went through a long process of forgiving myself... Using the 12 steps, day after day... empowered me to move on for real, and make better choices for myself. Today I see my former alcoholic husband as an instrument that God used to help ME overcome my own shortcomings, and be who I am meant to be.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 2nd of January 2018 12:28:28 PM
This is a very supportive post. It touches on and supports much of my own journey and recovery. I did it as we did it and got very similar results...how miraculous!...Because this works it is what I also pass on to the members in need, the newbies etc. Sending my gratitude to Al-Anon and MIP for the serenity restoring ESH. (((((hugs))))) Happy New Year...