The last two days have been hard. He hasnāt had a drop to drink in 4 days. The first two of that though were simply because he was recovering from a massive hangover + guilt. Weāve done that dance before. It was familiar and we both knew it was just a temporary reprieve. The last 2 though - starting when I talked with him about the boundaries I was putting in place - well, thatās a different story. Heās making a conscious and deliberate decision not to drink. Heās doing it, but heās not happy about it. Heās doing it because he knows Iām in a different place now. I can hear it in the way he responds to me. I can feel it when he touches me - his kisses are forced, his hugs less than warm. Heās the one initiating most of them, but they all feel obligatory. One would think that him putting my needs and desires ahead of his own would make me happy. But it doesnāt. It doesnāt because it means heās not doing it for him, and if heās not doing it for him, it wonāt last. And in between now and when he pops open the top of the next beer - however long that might be - resentment will grow. And resentment kills marriages and tears families apart. But what choice do I have? The drinking was killing it anyway. Slowly, painfully, and leaving a path of destruction in its wake. At least now, there might be a glimmer of hope. Heās not doing it for himself - yet. But maybe, just maybe, it will be for him eventually. And then I can start breathing normally again. Until then, Iāll stay focused on me, and pray that we come through the other side still together.
Aline said
Jan 1, 2018
(((Twinkies))), keep working on yourself, you are doing great! Focusing on myself and trying to live One Day at a Time to the best of my ability are very important tools. These were some of the most important ones for me to get out of my old ways at least to the point where I could go through the day without spending half of it stressed out of my mind... and are just as important now.
I don't know if you are already familiar with the "Just for Today" bookmark, but I figured I'll share it here. Its a really wonderful little piece of Alanon literature. Just reading through it always lifts my spirits and helps me remember what is good for me.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Jerry F said
Jan 1, 2018
Twinkies I read your post and the Hawaiian word "Akamai" comes to my head. Smart...you see it for what it is and you know it clearly also. I remember coming to that condition myself and then asked myself the question..."now what". Now what do I do. My alcoholic/addict wife still had my full attention which I learned later meant that the disease still owned me. I started the courageous behaviors of living in the moment and keeping the future with her out of the picture..."Just for Today" is one of the major principles of the Al-Anon Program yet was so foreign to my daily thinking and still the program was filled with help from the elders and I did learn and adopt their thoughts and behaviors for myself to practice, act on. I learn to "Act as if" I knew them and how to do them and it worked out...I changed for the better. When I kept her out of the picture it gave her all the room necessary to make changes for herself without the "me" trying to be the purpose for it. She was still drinking and using and acting out so she would have to accept the full consequences of her thoughts, feelings and behaviors without me to blame and additionally I kept my enabling down to nearly zero with the awareness that "She is responsible". She had a lot to do while under the influence of the mind and mood altering drugs and I could not and would not rescue. Under my sponsors wisdom that I would have to move away from all things alcohol I left participation in her daily life but kept my senses open to how it worked out with her real Higher Power and true to the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of our disease and recovery...HP taught me thru her recovery attempts...successes and failures and I carry those lessons to the minute.
Yes sober can be scary and for me exciting as I keep my hands out of HP's work, stay on the sidelines and live my own creation. It works when we work it. Thanks for the share (((((Hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Jan 1, 2018
(((Twinkies))) - I agree - sober can be scary. What Al-Anon helped me realize - really life is unpredictable. The disease just adds another level of uncertainty and insanity. Yet, if we work on self to be as healthy as possible - mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally - we really are not alone and can walk through any life event as it unfolds.
I recall times where there were starts/stops on sobriety. Each time, I hoped for the best, prayed for God's will yet tried to not expect/project any outcomes. It's hard - there is no doubt about it yet like most things in recovery, does seem to get easier as we get saner. Both of my sons are sober currently - 7 months and almost 2 months. This is a first in more than 10 years and quite honestly it still doesn't feel 'right' or 'normal' or - I just don't know what to feel beyond grateful one day at a time. I know beyond a doubt that it may/may not lost. I know the disease is mightier than all humans and I try really, really hard to focus on what's working instead of what's broken - esp. when my mind drifts off into fear and projection.
Keep doing you. I agree that you sound very aware. Know that we're here as best we can be and you are not alone!
MeTwo2 said
Jan 3, 2018
good responses here .. gives me too much to think on .
I don't know if you are already familiar with the "Just for Today" bookmark, but I figured I'll share it here. Its a really wonderful little piece of Alanon literature. Just reading through it always lifts my spirits and helps me remember what is good for me.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Twinkies I read your post and the Hawaiian word "Akamai" comes to my head. Smart...you see it for what it is and you know it clearly also. I remember coming to that condition myself and then asked myself the question..."now what". Now what do I do. My alcoholic/addict wife still had my full attention which I learned later meant that the disease still owned me. I started the courageous behaviors of living in the moment and keeping the future with her out of the picture..."Just for Today" is one of the major principles of the Al-Anon Program yet was so foreign to my daily thinking and still the program was filled with help from the elders and I did learn and adopt their thoughts and behaviors for myself to practice, act on. I learn to "Act as if" I knew them and how to do them and it worked out...I changed for the better. When I kept her out of the picture it gave her all the room necessary to make changes for herself without the "me" trying to be the purpose for it. She was still drinking and using and acting out so she would have to accept the full consequences of her thoughts, feelings and behaviors without me to blame and additionally I kept my enabling down to nearly zero with the awareness that "She is responsible". She had a lot to do while under the influence of the mind and mood altering drugs and I could not and would not rescue. Under my sponsors wisdom that I would have to move away from all things alcohol I left participation in her daily life but kept my senses open to how it worked out with her real Higher Power and true to the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of our disease and recovery...HP taught me thru her recovery attempts...successes and failures and I carry those lessons to the minute.
Yes sober can be scary and for me exciting as I keep my hands out of HP's work, stay on the sidelines and live my own creation. It works when we work it. Thanks for the share (((((Hugs)))))
I recall times where there were starts/stops on sobriety. Each time, I hoped for the best, prayed for God's will yet tried to not expect/project any outcomes. It's hard - there is no doubt about it yet like most things in recovery, does seem to get easier as we get saner. Both of my sons are sober currently - 7 months and almost 2 months. This is a first in more than 10 years and quite honestly it still doesn't feel 'right' or 'normal' or - I just don't know what to feel beyond grateful one day at a time. I know beyond a doubt that it may/may not lost. I know the disease is mightier than all humans and I try really, really hard to focus on what's working instead of what's broken - esp. when my mind drifts off into fear and projection.
Keep doing you. I agree that you sound very aware. Know that we're here as best we can be and you are not alone!