Hello everyone - been reading lots of posts from lots of people on lots of forums lately. You all seem like such a warm and welcoming group that I thought Iâd jump in and introduce myself. Iâm still pretty new to practicing the mindset that Alanon prescribes but I can already tell a difference in my life. Iâm sure Iâll be needing the support of more seasoned followers like you all though. This will probably be a long post, so thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read it. Iâm the daughter of an alcoholic and now (surprise! - not) the wife of one as well. The pain that Iâve subjected myself to by trying to control the Aâs in my life as slowly taken its toll. Iâve been reading about the changes Alanon suggests for a long time and while logically they all made sense, and I tried to follow them, none of it really clicked for me. But after a recent incident with my husband, in which the true extent of his illness was revealed, something changed. I guess I needed to have my own âlightbulb momentâ so to speak. After months of trying (but mostly failing) to implement some of the strategies, I think I might finally be getting it. The incident that caused it all to sort of fall into place came when, after getting dragged into yet another argument while he was drinking (because I just couldnât NOT take the bait he set out for me), he called me a derogatory name. In all of our years together, that had never happened. A lot of other things have happened due to his disease that some would say was worse (never anything physical) but for whatever reason, this was different for me. In that moment, when normally I would have felt pain and anger, what I actually felt was sadness - sadness that this is where his disease had taken us. I was able to detach in that moment in a way I had never thought possible before. That feeling was reinforced a week later when he had another episode of extreme drinking that caused him to stumble and fall several times and ultimately led to him even having a bathroom incident on himself. Normally if he fell, I would rush to help him up. This time, I simply turned and walked away. Obviously if he was hurt I would have intervened, but he wasnât and helping him would have only caused me anger and frustration and would have denied him the opportunity to experience fully the consequences of his choices. So I let him struggle and crawl - literally - into bed on his own. Later, when he woke up and couldnât make it to the bathroom in time, and ended up pooping on himself, I let him deal with that on his own too. He managed to get into the shower and clean himself up before I even knew what was going on. How he did it without injuring himself I have no idea. By the time I realized something had happened, he was out and stumbling back to bed. But the evidence of what had happened was still present in the bathroom. Something like this had also never happened before but Iâm sure that normally I would have dealt with it myself. Not this time. This time I left it for him to handle. I simply avoided our bathroom until he woke up at noon the next day, then calmly asked him to please clean up the mess heâd made because Iâd like to take a bath. He had no recollection of what had happened and I felt sorry for him. Nothing more. Just pity. He also had to apologize to one of our teenage daughters. Unbeknownst to me, she had encountered him earlier in the evening in the kitchen after I had first gone to bed and he was stumbling so badly sheâd had to help him walk to the sofa to sit down. Our kids know their dad has a problem but up until that point, theyâd been shielded from the extent of it. Again, I felt sadness for him. He loves our kids to the ends of the earth and I know it pained him that she saw him in that condition. And although I did talk with her about it (because she needed answers and isnât yet ready to talk to her dad about it) I didnât try to fix it or explain it away. I left the responsibility for his choices at his feet. Last night, I took a very scary step. I sat him down and explained that I was putting in place some boundaries for myself. I wanted him to know because when Iâve tried to detach in the past, it leads to an argument. I needed him to know what to expect from me when heâs drinking so that there is no confusion about why I might be acting in a certain way. I explained that I was no longer going to try to fix him and that I was no longer going to try to shield him from the consequences of his choices. I explained that although I loved him, I needed to put my own well-being first from now on. It wasnât said as a threat, or as a way to scare him into changing -it was stated simply as a fact. I didnât even comment on his drinking other than in reference to what I was doing for ME in regards to it. It was scary because it was the first time that I had ever laid things out to him in such a manner and I wasnât sure of his reaction. As soon as it was over, a sense of peace filled me. It was freeing and all of the stress and anxiety Iâd been feeling started to disappear. I know now that regardless of the choices he makes, Iâm going to be ok. Our kids are going to be ok. And I know that Iâll make some mistakes, and probably get lost along the way from time to time, but thatâs ok, because this new path already feels better than the one I was on before.

Sorry - Not sure how this topic got posted twice. Any way to delete the duplicate? Thanks!

Welcome, Twinkies - Thank you for sharing. I am very inspired by how you have used the program tools -- detachment and "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

Keep coming back and sharing your progress with us.

Welcome, Twinkies. Sorry that you have had to find this site, but pleased that you found a "home."

I could've wrote your post... so been there, done all that. However, you have already been much better at setting boundaries and "Saying what you mean and not saying it mean!" Kudos to you!

I have a teen son. I also had to have the "boundary" convo with him so that he understood why they were necessary, and that I wasn't acting the way I was out of spite... I only say this because you mentioned that your daughter helped her dad to the couch. Even though my son didn't want to go to Al-a-Teen, he still needed to know the three C's and the boundaries I put in place, so that he wouldn't take on the "helper" role for his father.

Wishing you peace in the new year!

Thanks everyone for your welcome. Being this open is new for me so itâs nice to feel accepted and understood. Today has been odd. I expected him to be cold and angry. Heâs not. But heâs not âokâ either. Not that I expected him to be. But this reaction - one I canât quite explain or put adequately into words - is a little scary. Part of me wanted, briefly, to take it all back, to apologize and make things ok again. But then I realized that âokâ was what was comfortable and that what was comfortable wasnât good. So, as quickly as the urge to buckle came, it went away again. Not knowing what to expect is scary. Knowing what will happen if I buckle is worse.

Twinkies - I too send a warm welcome to MIP.....so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. Love, love, love your share and the journey you've shown us so far. Looking forward to sharing the journey with you from here on out - glad you're part of the family!

Keep coming back!!

Hi, Twinkies, I'm really glad you are reaching out, although I'm very sorry for the necessity of it... I will pass on the suggestion (as I was suggested when I came here - and I'm grateful I was!) to make use of face to face Alanon meetings, if there are any in your area. Living with an alcoholic is tough and crazy-making, so more support is a really good thing. For me, face to face meetings felt uncomfortable for a while, but they have helped me come out of my shell more, and to connect with people better, and now they are a very important part of my recovery.

You are already working this program, and its really great to read that you are feeling more peaceful :) Best wishes to you and happy new year! Keep coming back! I agree that this is a great "place" to be.

Hi Twinkies.
What a great share. So glad you are here:)

Welcome, Twinkies. Glad you found your way to us.

Greetings Twinkles, welcome to MIP.

Your post struck a chord with me because I can easily forget that wonderful feeling of peace that I experienced when I started doing the right thing for me and you've reminded me of how empowering that felt. Thank you.

I also feel discomfort when I am waiting for the next thing to go wrong or the next drinking session to start but I guess that means that I'm taking my attention off myself and putting it onto someone else's behaviour. With practise I'm getting better at seeing the world from my own point of view rather than thinking about how others might be seeing me!

I found early sobriety to be a time of learning about myself - how much my well-being seemed to rest on another person's actions rather than my taking responsibility and listening out for what my own feelings meant for me.

Welcome to MIP. This is an incredible site.