Anyone else struggle with peace and quiet when the alcoholic is gone?
Sorcha said
Dec 30, 2017
Hi everyone, I hope you all had a peaceful Christmas and I wish you all a happy new year. For anyone who's been reading my post, you will know that I split up with my alcoholic partner about 5 months ago and he died 3 months later. Christmas was hard as I was expecting, I kept it as simple as possible for myself and my (mostly adult) children. Not his children, so they don't really get what I'm going through, thank God. A lot of memories, and very mixed memories at that, of the last 4 Christmases we were together, or fighting or whichever was going on. I've watched a lot of TV, read a lot , done some crosswords, knitted, whatever, after the days work is done, that's the time I find hardest. I know I am still i the grief of course and will be for some time. I don't drink, have been in recovery for my own addictions for some time. Missed my alanon last week due to icy roads. I am lonely without him, but what I struggle with most is the boredom I think. After the roller coaster of a relationship with an alcoholic, I don't know, it's like the brain gets used to, dare I say- addicted to the highs and lows. I got so high on this man when he was loving and sober and even when he was drinking and happy. But over time.....well in the last year the highs, the happiness were very scarce. And that sounds awful, like I used him to make me feel good and when that stopped I left. But I stayed as long as I could, until it just became torture really.
I listen to a lot of Alan on speakers on YouTube. Many say that the alcoholic was to them, what the alcohol was to the alcoholic. That our disease is exactly the same as theirs but drink doesn't fix it for us, the alcoholic does, until they don't anymore. Like, he takes a drink and I feel better. I hear some great stuff on there, I read some great stuff on here. I wonder if anyone else struggled with the peace and quiet, with extreme boredom after losing the alcoholic. I have loads of interests, some good friends, but nothing excites me like he did. How did you cope with it? Can we learn to manage it? Does it pass? I have had one alcoholic/addict very close all my life, in family, other partners, children ,friends. I just don't know if I know how to live without the chaos, I don't know if I am able to sit with myself at all! But now I have been kind of forced to, and I know that's what the programme is about but it's hard, any esh very welcome, thanks all.
Maresie said
Dec 30, 2017
I wouldnt.call the experience an addiction. I know being around people who were extremely frustrating was the.norm.for me.
Having an alcohol8c die is a big issue. Some alcoholics I know have died bit I dodnt.see them through the whole process.
Personally.I have been away.from certain relationships for a l9ng time. I.am still grieving them. There is a lot.to grief. I would not be surprised that you miss him terribly.
For me these days peace and quiet is nice but I.still struggle with a lot of self care issues.
These days I spend a lot of time lookiung at my.expectations. They were way way out there in the past. I dont expect my.l8fe to be easy but it is certainly a lot easier
It can feel very familiar to me to be around frustrating demanding people. I have to adjust my boundaries in those perspectives. I also g9ve myself a lot of space.
The holidays are in general pretty difficult for a lot of us. .
Maresie
SerenityRUS said
Dec 30, 2017
Grief is very real and very unique. Losing anyone is difficult .. add the complexities of emotions of losing an addict to the mix complicated isn't the right word. You loved and lost someone who was very sick. I truly hope you realize or understand on any level that this was not your fault. He made the decisions he made with his capabilities stuck in his disease. I have a poem I discovered because of a tv show about grief and love. I'll post later today or tomorrow if possible. Your grief for this man is not less because he was an addict and you left. Be in it .. don't live there .. it won't go away however he gave you some very valuable life lessons and you learned a great deal. That's a gift even in the pain. Teachers come in all forms. I am sorry for the loss and the pain. Hugs s :)
Mattie said
Dec 30, 2017
I get what you are saying. For me the alcoholic was definitely an addiction. When he wasn't in the picture, it looked like peace and quiet, but it actually wasn't. My own mind was screaming at me in all kinds of ways. "You're a screw-up! You're hopeless! Everybody leaves! No one will ever stay around! Your life is a mess and it's your fault and it will always be a mess!" Etc. I had always muted the pain by covering it over with chaos and trying to get an inadequate and unavailable person to love me. Being with that screaming inner voice was so painful. However, as I'm sure we've all experienced, living in chaos outshouts our inner screaming voice, but it doesn't heal it. It's still there when all the chaos goes away.
I'm still dealing with mine. I've heard that meditation is good for getting some distance from the inner stuff. I haven't been able to do that much because it's hard to bear even 5 seconds of it. But at least I'm not adding to the chaos with somebody else's chaos.
Iamhere said
Dec 30, 2017
(((Sarah))) - I can not directly relate to your loss yet have had to grieve because of this disease. With 2 boys who were sweet, kind, fun, funny, confident and loving completely changed by this disease into sour, selfish, nasty, sick people - it was a huge shock and loss on so many levels. I can list a million never got to(s).....go to high school graduation, go to college tours, witness a wedding, have photos from HS or proms or ....... All that I truly hoped, prayed for and wanted for them was stolen from me/us by this disease.
When I entered recovery and learned that I contributed by enabling them, trying to change them/control the disease, etc. and how it was literally killing me, I began recovery. As I set boundaries, and enforced them and put them out into the world, yes - it was uncomfortably quiet/still around here. I felt very, very uncertain, alone and uncomfortable. Most often, I didn't know who I really was or what I felt yet I did have a sponsor and she just kept suggesting I show up and keep trying what was suggested in recovery.
I did - I began exercising, praying, trying to meditate, walk my dog, baking, cooking, gardening, etc. I had to try new and healthier behaviors to replace my old unhealthy ones. I went to meetings daily, I called a program person each day, I hung out here, I went to AM/PM meetings here too when I was really sad/lonely/angry/uncertain. I wanted my life to be better and all I knew to do was try what was suggested.
I can't say when or how it happened, but one day, I realized I made it to the end of the day and hadn't been sad, mad, dwelling on the past or feeling bad for all that wasn't. I think that's the miracle of recovery - we take action and put one foot in front of the other and we realize that something is changing and it's us...
I do realize your loss is different and this may not even remotely help. Grief is real and there is no shame in missing anyone who we loved deeply and is no longer here. I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers and hope you have a stellar new year!!
Hi everyone, I hope you all had a peaceful Christmas and I wish you all a happy new year. For anyone who's been reading my post, you will know that I split up with my alcoholic partner about 5 months ago and he died 3 months later. Christmas was hard as I was expecting, I kept it as simple as possible for myself and my (mostly adult) children. Not his children, so they don't really get what I'm going through, thank God. A lot of memories, and very mixed memories at that, of the last 4 Christmases we were together, or fighting or whichever was going on. I've watched a lot of TV, read a lot , done some crosswords, knitted, whatever, after the days work is done, that's the time I find hardest. I know I am still i the grief of course and will be for some time. I don't drink, have been in recovery for my own addictions for some time. Missed my alanon last week due to icy roads. I am lonely without him, but what I struggle with most is the boredom I think. After the roller coaster of a relationship with an alcoholic, I don't know, it's like the brain gets used to, dare I say- addicted to the highs and lows. I got so high on this man when he was loving and sober and even when he was drinking and happy. But over time.....well in the last year the highs, the happiness were very scarce. And that sounds awful, like I used him to make me feel good and when that stopped I left. But I stayed as long as I could, until it just became torture really.
I listen to a lot of Alan on speakers on YouTube. Many say that the alcoholic was to them, what the alcohol was to the alcoholic. That our disease is exactly the same as theirs but drink doesn't fix it for us, the alcoholic does, until they don't anymore. Like, he takes a drink and I feel better. I hear some great stuff on there, I read some great stuff on here. I wonder if anyone else struggled with the peace and quiet, with extreme boredom after losing the alcoholic. I have loads of interests, some good friends, but nothing excites me like he did. How did you cope with it? Can we learn to manage it? Does it pass? I have had one alcoholic/addict very close all my life, in family, other partners, children ,friends. I just don't know if I know how to live without the chaos, I don't know if I am able to sit with myself at all! But now I have been kind of forced to, and I know that's what the programme is about but it's hard, any esh very welcome, thanks all.
I wouldnt.call the experience an addiction. I know being around people who were extremely frustrating was the.norm.for me.
Having an alcohol8c die is a big issue. Some alcoholics I know have died bit I dodnt.see them through the whole process.
Personally.I have been away.from certain relationships for a l9ng time. I.am still grieving them. There is a lot.to grief. I would not be surprised that you miss him terribly.
For me these days peace and quiet is nice but I.still struggle with a lot of self care issues.
These days I spend a lot of time lookiung at my.expectations. They were way way out there in the past. I dont expect my.l8fe to be easy but it is certainly a lot easier
It can feel very familiar to me to be around frustrating demanding people. I have to adjust my boundaries in those perspectives. I also g9ve myself a lot of space.
The holidays are in general pretty difficult for a lot of us. .
Maresie
I get what you are saying. For me the alcoholic was definitely an addiction. When he wasn't in the picture, it looked like peace and quiet, but it actually wasn't. My own mind was screaming at me in all kinds of ways. "You're a screw-up! You're hopeless! Everybody leaves! No one will ever stay around! Your life is a mess and it's your fault and it will always be a mess!" Etc. I had always muted the pain by covering it over with chaos and trying to get an inadequate and unavailable person to love me. Being with that screaming inner voice was so painful. However, as I'm sure we've all experienced, living in chaos outshouts our inner screaming voice, but it doesn't heal it. It's still there when all the chaos goes away.
I'm still dealing with mine. I've heard that meditation is good for getting some distance from the inner stuff. I haven't been able to do that much because it's hard to bear even 5 seconds of it. But at least I'm not adding to the chaos with somebody else's chaos.
When I entered recovery and learned that I contributed by enabling them, trying to change them/control the disease, etc. and how it was literally killing me, I began recovery. As I set boundaries, and enforced them and put them out into the world, yes - it was uncomfortably quiet/still around here. I felt very, very uncertain, alone and uncomfortable. Most often, I didn't know who I really was or what I felt yet I did have a sponsor and she just kept suggesting I show up and keep trying what was suggested in recovery.
I did - I began exercising, praying, trying to meditate, walk my dog, baking, cooking, gardening, etc. I had to try new and healthier behaviors to replace my old unhealthy ones. I went to meetings daily, I called a program person each day, I hung out here, I went to AM/PM meetings here too when I was really sad/lonely/angry/uncertain. I wanted my life to be better and all I knew to do was try what was suggested.
I can't say when or how it happened, but one day, I realized I made it to the end of the day and hadn't been sad, mad, dwelling on the past or feeling bad for all that wasn't. I think that's the miracle of recovery - we take action and put one foot in front of the other and we realize that something is changing and it's us...
I do realize your loss is different and this may not even remotely help. Grief is real and there is no shame in missing anyone who we loved deeply and is no longer here. I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers and hope you have a stellar new year!!