I haven't posted in awhile, but have been attending meetings when I can, though do not yet have a sponsor. For awhile I thought I was gaining some ground, but am starting to wonder if I was just kidding myself. The holiday was a bad one for me with family scattered across the country, the anniversary of my mother's death, and being off from work for the break just provided more opportunity for my husband to drink. The only thing keeping me from walking away is a young grandchild who, though now in remission, is still going through chemo. We play a huge role in her care and that seems the only time my husband can stay sober. The thought of what this child would go through should I leave is overwhelming. I have isolated myself to the point of having no friend I can confide in, and my children are busy with their own lives. I've been thinking of planning as many activities as I can that will keep me away from home when I'm not at work. Unfortunately, I live in a rural area and there just aren't that many places I can go. I'm thinking of joining a gym just to avoid being at home. Is that what people do? Just reinvent a life? And does it really help the situation or just helps avoid the drinker??? I know this is kind of rambling, but I'm just trying to hold myself together right now.
Iamhere said
Dec 29, 2017
Hey Lee51 - good to see you again. So sorry to hear about the child with cancer (remission sounds positive though) and the hard holiday season. I can freely and honestly admit that the holiday season is so not my cup of tea any more!
I am one who did take up new things and yes - in the beginning it was 2-fold. To practice self-care and doing for me AND to avoid the disease in my home. It did wonders for me as far as helping me heal with the aid of Al-Anon and also gave me confidence, courage and more to deal with that which I could control.
I did begin a daily exercise/work-out program, took long walks with the dog, got headphones and listened to music/speakers - I literally was willing to do anything to have a different day than before. I was crazily consumed by the disease and the diseased and really needed to be willing to do/be a different attendee each/every morning.
I encourage you to attend as many meetings as possible and to seek out a program buddy if you don't feel a connection for a sponsor. Isolating is a huge part of who we are and what we do and anything you can find that will get you out/about more with healthy people worked wonders for me.
Keep coming back here too - there is hope and help always. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
hotrod said
Dec 29, 2017
((Lee)) you are not alone. Holiday times are difficult when living with this disease. meetings and AlAnon literature helped me during those painful times
Steph79 said
Dec 29, 2017
God Bless Lee! You are NOT alone!
Freetime said
Dec 29, 2017
Hi Lee, welcome. I found that, as you are thinking and as Iamhere wrote, "planning as many activities as I can that will keep me away from home when I'm not at work" was a good step for me to reduce my stress of living with the effects of alcoholism in my home. Getting to the gym, re-connecting with old friends, going to Al-Anon and other support groups, taking online courses ... all were helpful.
You asked if it will "help the situation" or just avoid the drinker? For me, it helped MY situation, what I could control. It helped me get out of the alcoholic's way. In my case, a miracle occured and the alcoholic did come to acknowledge his part and begin to make amends. This was not through my direct action toward him, but I believe it resulted from my detachment from him and greater involvement with others who could understand and support me.
In all honesty, I felt some resentment that I had to stay away from my home or go to my room and couldn't enjoy my lovely home when he was there. That was a loss... but I gained contacts with wonderful people that I would not have if I'd just stayed home and hadn't reached out.
Best wishes -- I believe reinvention is a good thing!
Lee51 said
Jan 6, 2018
Thank you for your reply. I ended up with the flu before the end of our break so still not able to carry out my plan for new activities. I do have a plan, though, which is a step forward. Thanks again. Best wishes for a good year!
Lee51 said
Jan 6, 2018
Thank you. I do find help in the literature. And I'm grateful for this site!
Lee51 said
Jan 6, 2018
Thank you.
Lee51 said
Jan 6, 2018
Thanks for your response. My plan to start off the year getting involved in some new activities was sabotaged by a bout with the flu and I'm just now venturing into the world again. I'm going to my first yoga class next week, so we'll see how it goes. Happy new year to us all.
Iamhere said
Jan 6, 2018
(((Lee51))) - my year ended with the flu and it did knock me off my feet - completely. Just FYI - I now have a 'rebound cold' - the experts words, not mine - all the congestion has returned in my head/sinuses but no aches/fever. Take good care of yourself - and happy new year back @ ya! Hope yoga is great for ya!
Freetime said
Jan 6, 2018
Hi Lee, glad you got back to us and sorry you were sidelined by the flu. Yay for yoga! I enjoy that also.
One thing I did that I forgot to mention: I found it helpful to pack a "go bag" with essentials I would need if I decided I had to quickly get out. I wasn't in physical danger, but felt I was in mental danger and might need to leave the house if something happened that I could not handle. I never actually had to use that bag, but it was very reassuring and empowering to have it.
milkwood said
Jan 6, 2018
Greetings Lee,
I think that finding out what you enjoy doing for you is a good plan, and getting out of the way is helpful as long as you don't feel resentful of 'having to be out of the house.' I try to avoid resentments at all costs!
I found yoga to be very relaxing and good for lowering my stress levels - plus the contact with other people was/is helpful. When I started to do my own thing I had to rest up a bit first and took it slow. I'm also in a rural community so a lot of my escaping tends to be walks in the wilds with the dog but being with others is really what I need.
I hope your flu is on the way out. Get well soon.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 8, 2018
(((Lee)))
I found being away from my alcoholic spouse was the best medicine for me (while I was living with him). I hope you are feeling better.
I haven't posted in awhile, but have been attending meetings when I can, though do not yet have a sponsor. For awhile I thought I was gaining some ground, but am starting to wonder if I was just kidding myself. The holiday was a bad one for me with family scattered across the country, the anniversary of my mother's death, and being off from work for the break just provided more opportunity for my husband to drink. The only thing keeping me from walking away is a young grandchild who, though now in remission, is still going through chemo. We play a huge role in her care and that seems the only time my husband can stay sober. The thought of what this child would go through should I leave is overwhelming. I have isolated myself to the point of having no friend I can confide in, and my children are busy with their own lives. I've been thinking of planning as many activities as I can that will keep me away from home when I'm not at work. Unfortunately, I live in a rural area and there just aren't that many places I can go. I'm thinking of joining a gym just to avoid being at home. Is that what people do? Just reinvent a life? And does it really help the situation or just helps avoid the drinker??? I know this is kind of rambling, but I'm just trying to hold myself together right now.
I am one who did take up new things and yes - in the beginning it was 2-fold. To practice self-care and doing for me AND to avoid the disease in my home. It did wonders for me as far as helping me heal with the aid of Al-Anon and also gave me confidence, courage and more to deal with that which I could control.
I did begin a daily exercise/work-out program, took long walks with the dog, got headphones and listened to music/speakers - I literally was willing to do anything to have a different day than before. I was crazily consumed by the disease and the diseased and really needed to be willing to do/be a different attendee each/every morning.
I encourage you to attend as many meetings as possible and to seek out a program buddy if you don't feel a connection for a sponsor. Isolating is a huge part of who we are and what we do and anything you can find that will get you out/about more with healthy people worked wonders for me.
Keep coming back here too - there is hope and help always. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
You asked if it will "help the situation" or just avoid the drinker? For me, it helped MY situation, what I could control. It helped me get out of the alcoholic's way. In my case, a miracle occured and the alcoholic did come to acknowledge his part and begin to make amends. This was not through my direct action toward him, but I believe it resulted from my detachment from him and greater involvement with others who could understand and support me.
In all honesty, I felt some resentment that I had to stay away from my home or go to my room and couldn't enjoy my lovely home when he was there. That was a loss... but I gained contacts with wonderful people that I would not have if I'd just stayed home and hadn't reached out.
Best wishes -- I believe reinvention is a good thing!
Thank you for your reply. I ended up with the flu before the end of our break so still not able to carry out my plan for new activities. I do have a plan, though, which is a step forward. Thanks again. Best wishes for a good year!
Thank you. I do find help in the literature. And I'm grateful for this site!
Thank you.
Thanks for your response. My plan to start off the year getting involved in some new activities was sabotaged by a bout with the flu and I'm just now venturing into the world again. I'm going to my first yoga class next week, so we'll see how it goes. Happy new year to us all.
One thing I did that I forgot to mention: I found it helpful to pack a "go bag" with essentials I would need if I decided I had to quickly get out. I wasn't in physical danger, but felt I was in mental danger and might need to leave the house if something happened that I could not handle. I never actually had to use that bag, but it was very reassuring and empowering to have it.
I think that finding out what you enjoy doing for you is a good plan, and getting out of the way is helpful as long as you don't feel resentful of 'having to be out of the house.' I try to avoid resentments at all costs!
I found yoga to be very relaxing and good for lowering my stress levels - plus the contact with other people was/is helpful. When I started to do my own thing I had to rest up a bit first and took it slow. I'm also in a rural community so a lot of my escaping tends to be walks in the wilds with the dog but being with others is really what I need.
I hope your flu is on the way out. Get well soon.
I found being away from my alcoholic spouse was the best medicine for me (while I was living with him). I hope you are feeling better.