Hi, I am new to this.. I have had no support and am now thinking I may need some. My AH who is also a cocaine addict came out of rehab 3 months ago, within a week he had relapsed. Since then he has been secretly drinking/taking drugs, well not that secretly because I am not blind or stupid. Everyone else he has conned into thinking he is clean since rehab. I am suffering an intolerable amount of abuse, he is vile, picks arguments over everything, I never know if he is going to be Jekyll or Hyde. Apparently I am the reason he is an addict. Are all addicts the same? Is this really how they all behave..? Thankyou for listening

Ally, welcome! You are in the right place

I don't think we can say that all addicts/alcoholics behave exactly the same, because they are individual humans, but there is one thing we learn in Al-Anon that is true for all of us who have been affected by someone else's addiction. We call it the 3 C's -- We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it ... but we can change ourselves.

I, too, experienced the denial and the hiding ... it drove me to despair and destroyed my trust, but the good thing was that it got me to go to my first Al-Anon meeting. I hope you can find meetings to attend.

As for abuse, no one deserves that. Please stick around, as you will hear some experiences of people who have learned how to set protective boundaries.

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I'm new too - just yesterday in fact. But reading all these posts have already helped some! I think MOST addicts that I know of lie a lot and hide a lot and blame people closest to them. Mine does! But I also think anyone who is in a weakend state of being (like addicts/alcoholics all are) generally resort to selfish, mean, immature behavior... God Bless!

Thankyou, I have found a meeting near to my home that I'm going to try. I have read lots of posts and I'm very grateful for any support. It is very hard and lonely, I have been unable to confide in those closest, I feel ashamed and embarrassed and in some way a failure, how am I not able to fix my AH? I fear they would never understand.

I hear you! I tell very little to very few people, too. the few that know anything about it just have one reply: leave him, get someone better. That's not always the only answer. Sometimes, but not always. And my pride is involved big time, too. That's something I need to work on too

I encourage reading some material both alanon and another book very alanon however not actual alanon lit called Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew there are multiple volumes however they are very small and easy to read books. Something that each time you read something new will come out of it.

I find reading soothing to me in regards to dealing with life issues. It's a great book with lots of information in it. Vol 1 - 4 I believe.

Anyway, welcome to both of you and I hope you will find face to face meetings and keep coming back.

Hugs S :)

Hi, Ally, and ((((hugs)))). I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing... I can relate to much of what you've shared, and it is true that alcoholism (can't say much about drug addiction though) affects not just the drinker, but people closest to them as well, and there are a lot of coping mechanisms that we who love/live with As have developed that we have in common... I can totally relate to not being able to confide in my family... isolation seems to be one of the common consequences of living with this disease. I too encourage you to attend face to face Alanon meetings, there's hope, help and real understanding there. It is suggested to try, if possible, several meetings before deciding which one seems best for you. Know that you are not alone and keep reaching out. For me, the getting better part begun after I'd begun to reach out for help and support :) Keep coming back here as well!

Thankyou everyone for your replies, I appreciate all your help and advice. Good to know there is plenty of support out there

I too send welcomes to you Ally - glad that you found us and joined right in. I too was full of shame, embarrassed and just defeated - I too felt like a failure as I could not fix the insanity in my home brought about because of this disease. What Al-Anon gave me was a safe place to share without fear of judgement or advice. A fellowship of others who really did understand and could relate to what I felt, thought, shared and lived with.

I am so glad to hear you plan to attend a meeting. If it doesn't feel right, try another - I had to go to a couple to find my tribe. I was asked to attend with an open mind, and to look for the similarities and not the differences. I do believe it saved my sanity and my life.

Keep coming back here too - we've got a great group of members and are like a family! Sending you (((hugs))) - I understand the loneliness as well - Al-Anon was great for that as well.

Welcome, Allywoo.

So glad you are reaching out for support, as I too know the loneliness. It can be very hard with drug addiction for many reasons... but the hardest on us (IMHO) is that having a problem with alcohol is more "accepted" by the general public and families. So I understand the inability to share. My spouse did both, this latest one is alcohol. It was my experience that I received tons of help and support through Al-Anon. Don't worry that it's about alcoholic qualifiers. Addiction is addiction.

Hang in there!

allywoo,
Sounds like cookie cutter addict/alcoholic behavior to me. That's been my experience. That is one reason you will come to understand it is the drugs or alcoholic speaking and not the person. In any case, all I can speak of is my experience. And I do think there is a human being obscured under all the ugliness. It has helped me so much when I started to see this as a disease, one that affects them and us.

There are a lot of ways to help and care for yourself the chief one for me is going to a meeting. I read literature even if its a pamphlet I download from the main Al-Anon website.

sending loads of positive vibes.

I love that in this program I help me by caring and being cared about. Amazing.

Nora