I'm in the throws of reminding myself how I am powerless over other people, places and things. The other thing that comes to mind is I don't have to eat an elephant all in one sitting.
It's been a little over a year now and I am debating about the fact maybe my bf and I are not a good match. He has a lot of healing to do and it's not that I'm better than he is, I lack the patience to hurry up and wait for him. He's a very good man. We really are in different places in our lives. I find men my age are not prepared to take on kids that are my kids ages since many of them have grandkids who are my kids ages .. lol .. well at least my younger one. So that is overwhelming and honestly I am over thinking for other people. I think the bigger issue is he's not willing to check in with the kids and I .. if I wanted that kind of relationship I could have stayed with another A. He's not an A, he is very lazy when it comes to emotional work. I'm not willing to do 100% of it.
Right now I am not a happy kid and it's up to me to get happy and figure out what is going on with me. Part of my irritability is that I am having to think for a whole lot more than me at the moment. My daughter has seriously lumped things in on me that are not my problem and she's been informed of a few things. I'm no longer taking time off so she can get her act together. I did commit to one more appointment however I am off the hook after that, when I turned the mental health issues over to her completely she seems to be doing better now. Right now I have a grown adult at home who is perfectly capable of being the taxi and this was discussed and agreed on, so this is not out of the blue so she can get a few things done. He's off for a whole week and suppose to be supervising at home. She's not driving yet and that's seriously a good thing because I really do not believe she has the maturity to handle it at the moment. I don't have to think for more than me however I swear to God these people can't find their way out of a paper bag at the moment and it's causing me issues. LOL!! I am just frustrated at the moment.
The ONE thing that needed to be done was not. I am less than impressed between the two of them that they could not figure out what she needed and then I was informed that this would be dealt with tomorrow .. to which my response was you seriously do not want me coming home and finding this one thing not done. Their lack of preparedness and thought process is so not my emergency nor problem. I did suggest whatever they needed to have for this one task to be complete they have the capability to get and my suggestion is they get it ALL together and get back into line and deal with the issue at hand until it's complete.
My kid has thrown more at me in the past 3 weeks than I am prepared to talk about, she's topped it off by informing me she's failing all of her classes (I did not see that happening: note sarcasm big time .. I totally saw it coming and had more than one come to Jesus discussion, I let go of it at my birthday knowing she's going to have to fix it), I have decided she's going to choose to learn the hard way. That's rough to watch. She's already got a whole lot stacked against her and she's added another 3 strikes. The problem is this .. she learns the hard way and I wind up paying the financial cost. So, my feeling is this .. ANY extra money she needs for college this next semester is so not coming from me. She's going to have to figure it out. I already know a few things she does not .. her pell grants will go away, she will be on academic probation and she may not be able to take any of the classes she's currently signed up for. I am hoping that doesn't mean her other scholarship is not going away she's got more than one at the moment. I got hit with an unexpected draft out of my bank account because she didn't understand she had to return all of her rental books. Christmas was not ruined however it was slim and I did not purchase anything for my daughter. I had already upgraded her phone a couple weeks ago and to have this happen until the money is back in my account I won't be purchasing any gifts. I realize that sounds harsh however she continues to disregard the fact that this is not all about her. My schedule doesn't revolve around her. I get 3 weeks of PTO a year and this year I have used all except 3 days for other people and I think even that's a little high on my guesstimation .. needless to say .. I will not be doing that this year. So this next year I am being very selfish with my time off. Should I choose to do something that's one thing .. another adults emergency is so not my problem.
I am really trying to hold on to my patience and not loose my mind .. LOL .. I swear I have one nerve left at the moment and I am trying to find a counselor. Being sick has not helped and further shortened my fuse. I have really tried to pace myself at work so I did not hurt anyone .. LOL.
For right now I am just going to keep doing me and let HP sort it all out because I just can't nor am I interested in doing so. It's just to exhausting. My girl is an amazing kiddo and I'm very proud of her however this .. this is one to many spoonful's of crap that I can handle. She's an adult and these things are now her responsibility. I still have a younger one at home who needs my time and attention .. I expect taking a day off here and there with my oldest .. I do not expect her to need weeks of my time. I don't expect her to have all of these answers .. I guess I do except her to respect my time and my experience .. she's going to choose not to do either .. I have no interest in helping with either.
I'm also seeing a pattern of when she doesn't get her way she proceeds to tell me that she's having contact with her dad and now that I have caught on I find it easier to shut my mouth. Knowing what I do know .. the kid would not dream of dumping on him what she's dumped on me.
UGH .. I am very over 2017 at the moment.
LOL .. sorry for the mini rant.
Steph79 said
Dec 27, 2017
I can understand where you're coming from - I have a 7 year old daughter that I could totally see turning into the same patterns as yours! It's so hard to let them do things on their own and let them fail, but some people (kids too) are just too damn stubborn to learn the easy way! Yes, she does get that from me at least a little. But I'm trying to get better! Thank you for sharing and good luck with letting them fly on their own! I have to start letting mine do the same (as appropriate for her age)...
hotrod said
Dec 27, 2017
((Serenity)) it sounds as if you have your hands and mind full Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way . As I read through your share re BF I was reminded of an old alanon slogan "Please do not throw the baby out with the bath water" ":
Steph79 said
Dec 27, 2017
Also - my parents always bailed me out too - and still do when I let them. Once I hit 30 (finally) I learned how much this prevented me from learning and how weak I stayed because they did a lot of heavy lifting for me. I got too used to it over the years. They did it out of love, and there were times it really saved me. But there is a limit! Your daughter will be stronger, the less you do for her. But it's all balance. I think as moms we just give her guidance and advice, limit what we're willing to help with, be clear to her what those limits are and what the consequences could be if she doesn't follow our advice. Then follow through - that's my weakest point! Good luck to both of us!
Aline said
Dec 27, 2017
Hey, Serenity, you sure have a lot on your plate right now. Sending you positive thoughts. Keep taking care of you and letting go and letting God about the rest... ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Dec 27, 2017
(((Serenity))) - I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I see so much on your plate and hope you can find the way and time to be gentle to you. This flu I've had has zapped me harder than anything in a long, long while and I am struggling just to be kind some days. You had it before me so I sure hope you are getting some rest/recover time. Things always appear much 'more' when I am physically down, it seems to always be a time for me to go B2B (Back to Basics).
Hang in there - love that you're leaning into HP and program!
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 27, 2017
Hugs to you, Serenity! You are under a huge amount of stress... but you are picking up your tools and saying what you mean. Take care of yourself my friend!
SerenityRUS said
Dec 28, 2017
I feel better today lol. I have a terrible time with communicating in general and this last 6 months has been challenging. I equate it to asking someone what's for dinner and the response is yes. Ok .. what do you want for dinner .. Lol.. yes. I really have too laugh at the absurdity of it. What's really ironic is my daughter wants me to read her mind and I asked specific questions. She still struggles with saying what's going on. Logically as an adult who's been around the block I can deduce what's playing out however I am really working hard at staying in my hula hoop. I know I feel irritable and uncomfortable. I don't enjoy it. I can't seem to shake the illness it started off in my kidneys and that was really bad then I got crap in my chest. my feet hurt to boot that's been going on for a while. feet have been an issue since summer. I totally over did Christmas weekend shopping cleaning and cooking. I did ask for help some came voluntarily and some was voluntold. I don't enjoy being part of 1/2 a couple. I was glad the kids were home and that helped. I think it's been a while since i felt lonely. I really felt lonely a couple of times during all of this. I hate the drive by emotional crap from the ex. And knowing what I know I don't find it healthy for my daughter to have contact with him. I wind up with a hospital bill. So I just pray she makes good decisions for her mental health. We will see. I just can't keel having this play out. The boyfriend situation he's a good guy .. i just an tired of being the Person in the relationship who has to direct what's next. I was under the impression he could get things done on his own and it's not working out that way. I really resent it. I don't want to wear the mantel of having it all together because I don't lol. I don't want to be taken care of either I can do that .. I do want some kind of common goals that aren't happening at the moment. Hugs s :)
SerenityRUS said
Dec 28, 2017
Thank you for the support lol .. It really has just been a LOT ..
Steph79 said
Dec 28, 2017
Peace and love to you - sounds like you're a STRONG lady. One thing at a time, and let some things go if it's too much... Easier said than done, I know...
Iamhere said
Dec 28, 2017
Hey girl - so glad you feel better today. For me, life does just roll better when I can do it ODAT....not always easy but such a simpler way of living!
SerenityRUS said
Dec 28, 2017
You hit the nail on the head .. one day at a time.
Daughter has an academic meeting next week and that's going to be shocking for her. I honestly don't know how she's going to come up with money for school .. she's going to do exactly what I tried to avoid for her which is racking up student loans. If she does the loan I think she will have to do we are talking 10k. UGH. I did let her know she hit her one do over with this stuff if she does this again she's done with a 4 year program. So I am hoping she stays on track. There are some other things distracting her and I told her she needs to do this first and then she can do the other things .. she doesn't even have a job and she's talking some major money stuff. So we have a lot of push and pull in our relationship at the moment. I don't like it. This isn't the relationship I want with my kid. I also have some boundaries .. she's more than welcome to continue to make what I perceive as bad choices .. yes .. I will support her .. outside of my home. I do not want the chaos in my house. I'm keeping my mouth shut at this point. Of course her emergency is suppose to be mine now and I'm like .. Oh we already had this discussion and your emergency is so not mine.
So I won't say anything than I have already said because there is no point. It's not my wish she fail .. it's not my wish things are hard .. I want things to be much smoother than they are .. however when you create your own crisis .. this is what you get. I'm already fully set to follow through on some boundaries that I have in regards to her and her choices. I think looking at this today that's what is going to need to happen, it's she's going to drop when she goes out of the nest or she's going to fly .. flying is preferable and honestly it's not an unreasonable set time and things like that, so it is what it is kind of thing.
For today I am just going to focus on what I need to accomplish for the moment. Just for today I don't have to think about any of this other stuff because there is zero point for me to worry about something I can't control.
I'm in the throws of reminding myself how I am powerless over other people, places and things. The other thing that comes to mind is I don't have to eat an elephant all in one sitting.
It's been a little over a year now and I am debating about the fact maybe my bf and I are not a good match. He has a lot of healing to do and it's not that I'm better than he is, I lack the patience to hurry up and wait for him. He's a very good man. We really are in different places in our lives. I find men my age are not prepared to take on kids that are my kids ages since many of them have grandkids who are my kids ages .. lol .. well at least my younger one. So that is overwhelming and honestly I am over thinking for other people. I think the bigger issue is he's not willing to check in with the kids and I .. if I wanted that kind of relationship I could have stayed with another A. He's not an A, he is very lazy when it comes to emotional work. I'm not willing to do 100% of it.
Right now I am not a happy kid and it's up to me to get happy and figure out what is going on with me. Part of my irritability is that I am having to think for a whole lot more than me at the moment. My daughter has seriously lumped things in on me that are not my problem and she's been informed of a few things. I'm no longer taking time off so she can get her act together. I did commit to one more appointment however I am off the hook after that, when I turned the mental health issues over to her completely she seems to be doing better now. Right now I have a grown adult at home who is perfectly capable of being the taxi and this was discussed and agreed on, so this is not out of the blue so she can get a few things done. He's off for a whole week and suppose to be supervising at home. She's not driving yet and that's seriously a good thing because I really do not believe she has the maturity to handle it at the moment. I don't have to think for more than me however I swear to God these people can't find their way out of a paper bag at the moment and it's causing me issues. LOL!! I am just frustrated at the moment.
The ONE thing that needed to be done was not. I am less than impressed between the two of them that they could not figure out what she needed and then I was informed that this would be dealt with tomorrow .. to which my response was you seriously do not want me coming home and finding this one thing not done. Their lack of preparedness and thought process is so not my emergency nor problem. I did suggest whatever they needed to have for this one task to be complete they have the capability to get and my suggestion is they get it ALL together and get back into line and deal with the issue at hand until it's complete.
My kid has thrown more at me in the past 3 weeks than I am prepared to talk about, she's topped it off by informing me she's failing all of her classes (I did not see that happening: note sarcasm big time .. I totally saw it coming and had more than one come to Jesus discussion, I let go of it at my birthday knowing she's going to have to fix it), I have decided she's going to choose to learn the hard way. That's rough to watch. She's already got a whole lot stacked against her and she's added another 3 strikes. The problem is this .. she learns the hard way and I wind up paying the financial cost. So, my feeling is this .. ANY extra money she needs for college this next semester is so not coming from me. She's going to have to figure it out. I already know a few things she does not .. her pell grants will go away, she will be on academic probation and she may not be able to take any of the classes she's currently signed up for. I am hoping that doesn't mean her other scholarship is not going away she's got more than one at the moment. I got hit with an unexpected draft out of my bank account because she didn't understand she had to return all of her rental books. Christmas was not ruined however it was slim and I did not purchase anything for my daughter. I had already upgraded her phone a couple weeks ago and to have this happen until the money is back in my account I won't be purchasing any gifts. I realize that sounds harsh however she continues to disregard the fact that this is not all about her. My schedule doesn't revolve around her. I get 3 weeks of PTO a year and this year I have used all except 3 days for other people and I think even that's a little high on my guesstimation .. needless to say .. I will not be doing that this year. So this next year I am being very selfish with my time off. Should I choose to do something that's one thing .. another adults emergency is so not my problem.
I am really trying to hold on to my patience and not loose my mind .. LOL .. I swear I have one nerve left at the moment and I am trying to find a counselor. Being sick has not helped and further shortened my fuse. I have really tried to pace myself at work so I did not hurt anyone .. LOL.
For right now I am just going to keep doing me and let HP sort it all out because I just can't nor am I interested in doing so. It's just to exhausting. My girl is an amazing kiddo and I'm very proud of her however this .. this is one to many spoonful's of crap that I can handle. She's an adult and these things are now her responsibility. I still have a younger one at home who needs my time and attention .. I expect taking a day off here and there with my oldest .. I do not expect her to need weeks of my time. I don't expect her to have all of these answers .. I guess I do except her to respect my time and my experience .. she's going to choose not to do either .. I have no interest in helping with either.
I'm also seeing a pattern of when she doesn't get her way she proceeds to tell me that she's having contact with her dad and now that I have caught on I find it easier to shut my mouth. Knowing what I do know .. the kid would not dream of dumping on him what she's dumped on me.
UGH .. I am very over 2017 at the moment.
LOL .. sorry for the mini rant.
((Serenity)) it sounds as if you have your hands and mind full Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way . As I read through your share re BF I was reminded of an old alanon slogan "Please do not throw the baby out with the bath water" ":
Hang in there - love that you're leaning into HP and program!
Daughter has an academic meeting next week and that's going to be shocking for her. I honestly don't know how she's going to come up with money for school .. she's going to do exactly what I tried to avoid for her which is racking up student loans. If she does the loan I think she will have to do we are talking 10k. UGH. I did let her know she hit her one do over with this stuff if she does this again she's done with a 4 year program. So I am hoping she stays on track. There are some other things distracting her and I told her she needs to do this first and then she can do the other things .. she doesn't even have a job and she's talking some major money stuff. So we have a lot of push and pull in our relationship at the moment. I don't like it. This isn't the relationship I want with my kid. I also have some boundaries .. she's more than welcome to continue to make what I perceive as bad choices .. yes .. I will support her .. outside of my home. I do not want the chaos in my house. I'm keeping my mouth shut at this point. Of course her emergency is suppose to be mine now and I'm like .. Oh we already had this discussion and your emergency is so not mine.
So I won't say anything than I have already said because there is no point. It's not my wish she fail .. it's not my wish things are hard .. I want things to be much smoother than they are .. however when you create your own crisis .. this is what you get. I'm already fully set to follow through on some boundaries that I have in regards to her and her choices. I think looking at this today that's what is going to need to happen, it's she's going to drop when she goes out of the nest or she's going to fly .. flying is preferable and honestly it's not an unreasonable set time and things like that, so it is what it is kind of thing.
For today I am just going to focus on what I need to accomplish for the moment. Just for today I don't have to think about any of this other stuff because there is zero point for me to worry about something I can't control.
Hugs S :)