Mokka - welcome back to MIP. So very sorry for the state of the disease in your life. It is progressive and all aspects move along until someone/something changes. My best suggestion is to find and attend Al-Anon in your area. That's the only place I found relief and tools to help me deal with the affects of this disease.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Skorpi said
Dec 27, 2017
Hi Mokka, welcome again!
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I am sorry you are experiencing this. My wife found all sorts of reasons for drinking, except the real one. She drank because she is an alcoholic and is addicted to alcohol. All of the other "I am drinking to..." statements were just camouflage, lies to make drinking acceptable when it was not. I found in Al-Anon the tools I needed to ensure that I stayed healthy.
Keep coming back -
hotrod said
Dec 27, 2017
((Mokka)) I can so identify and must say that when I took my wedding vows I had the same concerns and internally whispered:"Until alcohol does us part " This was before I had found alanona and did not have the tools to live successfully with the disease.
Alanon gave me permission to say:' what I mean and mean what i say without saying it mean" as well a new tools to learn to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time,trusting a Power Greater than myself . As has been suggested please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is recommended that no major decisions be made for the first 6 months while in program so that keeping an open mind is essential. Keep coming back here as well there is hope
Steph79 said
Dec 27, 2017
Mokka - I'm so sorry - how frustrating it is!! I know how you feel! My ABF constantly complains that nobody loves him enough, he doesn't have any friends, etc. I do roll my eyes a lot when he does this, too. Constant pity party - when MOST (almost all) of the things he complains about, are due to him drinking too much and ruining his relationships with people who care (or cared) about him. Feels like that may include me in the near future, but I'm going to try Al-Anon first...
Maresie said
Dec 27, 2017
If you do not feel like you can get married put it on hold. The disappearing act might 've one reason to do that.
You are entitled to your feelings. I went to a lot of couples therapy. It took me a long time to see the benefits of it.
I understand the issue of frustration really well. I am sure you have your own family of origin issues.
Christmas is a big trigger for alcoholics. I realise that now it brings up a lot. They tend to totally abdicate their responsibilities.
I think it is pretty remarkable that you know what you are getting yourself into.
The ex A who I was with for many years always felt that his issues and needs superseded mine. He did plenty of disappearing acts in fact I would say that was his Trump card. Theen he would return and expect me to accept it immediately
Am anon can help you a great deal in d's escalating your issues. That isn't to make it easier for him but to get you to a place where decision making is clear. You have absolutely every right to be angry at him.
Alcoholics drink for many reasons. Thge bottom line of course is they are addicted. There are treatments for being depressed and having child hood issues. Those issues can be manageable.
I think it is also pretty normal to feel frustrated in therapy. We have such high expectations of therapy. Personally I had totally unrealistic expectations. I had really absolutely unrealistic expectations of everything but no matter what nothing surpassed what I expected of the now ex A
I think my expectations were raised because at times the now ex A could behave like someone who had it together. He seemed to be able to turn on and off this genial sweet cheerful kind thoughtful person to this morose raging demanding petulant impulsive child.
I kept looking for the kind part but pretty much towards the end all I got was the petulant one. The ex A could summon up the
Kind sweet part on a dime so sometimes certain people never saw that side of him. I looked like the raging cold person.
This is a good place to be to get your bearings. Most of all its a place where you can be really honest about how you feel.
Maresie
Aline said
Dec 27, 2017
Hi, Mokka, good for you for reaching out here as well as in therapy. Alcoholism is much too much to handle alone. I know I couldn't... I too hope you will give Alanon a try. This program was something like a last straw for me, and I'm so very grateful I grabbed it. Keep coming back, you're not alone :)
AnnieFenk321 said
Dec 28, 2017
I am in the process of deciding whether to leave a marriage with a very sweet but very sick man. We are separating soon for him to enter a treatment program and me to go to family for a while. Something people keep saying to me about divorce is "you'll know when you know" and you don't have to do anything until you're sure.
I would say the same principle can be applied to the decision about the wedding. I have also been told to wait 6 months of time in Al ANon in before making any important decisions. This could also apply to your decision about the wedding. Certainly it cannot hurt to go into the marriage with more knowledge about the disease if that is the path you take, and tools for staying healthy yourself.
I also wanted to share that before i married my addict I had strong intuition not to and i found every excuse not to listen to that voice. Now i am in this situation and with a child so I am permanently bonded to him in many ways. Even if we get divorced we will be coparents of the most important person in my life. I learned the importance of intuition from this experience. I now try to get in touch with my body and my inner voice when making important decisions.
Sending best wishes and keep coming back.
Steph79 said
Dec 28, 2017
I agree with Annie! Just wait on the wedding! Not specifically Alcoholic related, but my ex husband was great (and didn't have a huge problem at that time - yet), but deep down I felt it wasn't 100% right, though everything in my mind and everything people told me was he's a great guy - and he was! He just wasn't THE guy for me. Ended in divorce 8 years later. listen to your instincts! You don't have to say "never", just "not yet"...
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I am sorry you are experiencing this. My wife found all sorts of reasons for drinking, except the real one. She drank because she is an alcoholic and is addicted to alcohol. All of the other "I am drinking to..." statements were just camouflage, lies to make drinking acceptable when it was not. I found in Al-Anon the tools I needed to ensure that I stayed healthy.
Keep coming back -
((Mokka)) I can so identify and must say that when I took my wedding vows I had the same concerns and internally whispered:"Until alcohol does us part " This was before I had found alanona and did not have the tools to live successfully with the disease.
Alanon gave me permission to say:' what I mean and mean what i say without saying it mean" as well a new tools to learn to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time,trusting a Power Greater than myself .
As has been suggested please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is recommended that no major decisions be made for the first 6 months while in program so that keeping an open mind is essential. Keep coming back here as well there is hope
If you do not feel like you can get married put it on hold. The disappearing act might 've one reason to do that.
You are entitled to your feelings. I went to a lot of couples therapy. It took me a long time to see the benefits of it.
I understand the issue of frustration really well. I am sure you have your own family of origin issues.
Christmas is a big trigger for alcoholics. I realise that now it brings up a lot. They tend to totally abdicate their responsibilities.
I think it is pretty remarkable that you know what you are getting yourself into.
The ex A who I was with for many years always felt that his issues and needs superseded mine. He did plenty of disappearing acts in fact I would say that was his Trump card. Theen he would return and expect me to accept it immediately
Am anon can help you a great deal in d's escalating your issues. That isn't to make it easier for him but to get you to a place where decision making is clear. You have absolutely every right to be angry at him.
Alcoholics drink for many reasons. Thge bottom line of course is they are addicted. There are treatments for being depressed and having child hood issues. Those issues can be manageable.
I think it is also pretty normal to feel frustrated in therapy. We have such high expectations of therapy. Personally I had totally unrealistic expectations. I had really absolutely unrealistic expectations of everything but no matter what nothing surpassed what I expected of the now ex A
I think my expectations were raised because at times the now ex A could behave like someone who had it together. He seemed to be able to turn on and off this genial sweet cheerful kind thoughtful person to this morose raging demanding petulant impulsive child.
I kept looking for the kind part but pretty much towards the end all I got was the petulant one. The ex A could summon up the
Kind sweet part on a dime so sometimes certain people never saw that side of him. I looked like the raging cold person.
This is a good place to be to get your bearings. Most of all its a place where you can be really honest about how you feel.
Maresie
I would say the same principle can be applied to the decision about the wedding. I have also been told to wait 6 months of time in Al ANon in before making any important decisions. This could also apply to your decision about the wedding. Certainly it cannot hurt to go into the marriage with more knowledge about the disease if that is the path you take, and tools for staying healthy yourself.
I also wanted to share that before i married my addict I had strong intuition not to and i found every excuse not to listen to that voice. Now i am in this situation and with a child so I am permanently bonded to him in many ways. Even if we get divorced we will be coparents of the most important person in my life. I learned the importance of intuition from this experience. I now try to get in touch with my body and my inner voice when making important decisions.
Sending best wishes and keep coming back.