Iâve struggled over Christmas. I kept saying to myself leading up to it I was going to be fine but it didnât quite work out that way. Iâve seen my ex Ah at work a couple of times Christmas week briefly. Sheâs happy - looks it and has kept our conversation very brief. I hugged her when I finished Wednesday and said have a nice Christmas and she just stared at me like she was going to cry. It was really weird - I put both my arms round her and she just used one. I donât know why I have homed in that... I just thought for god sake just give me a hug. I cried all the way home. I managed to get myself together when I got a message Xmas day morning saying she was thinking about me and have a nice Christmas. Sheâs put many pictures over the last 4 weeks on social media displaying how well she is doing -photos with her family who she made friends with. Iâm having to accept that our relationship is was toxic on both parts I think and Iâm finding it very hard. Iâve alwsys blamed her for everything. And now Iâve had to look at my own behaviour. Nothing I ever did was enough though so thatâs why I held back a lot with her. Because weâve had hardly any contact and sheâs stayed sober I feel like I was one her triggers. Iâm surrounded by my family that love me and Iâm making myself physically ill over a person who doesnât care about me at all I donât think anymore. Iâve had to take anti depressants which Iâve never taken in my life but they helped slow my mind down. I canât get to meetings. I canât disappear for an hour and half at the moment without everyone worrying about me. I canât tell anyone Iâm going to al anon. So the best I can do is come on here. What I donât understand is how within 6 weeks someone canât just walk out of your life with someone else when they have wanted you for so long and Claim to be in love with you. I find it hard to blame alcohol for that. I am a complicated person I come with baggage - kids...married ! and she found someone less complicated I think who was new to her alcoholism and was full of sympathy. I was hard in some ways and when she drank I took away my love away from her, and ignored her for days and it back fired she found someone else. I question myself all the time about that. Anyway sorry for the morbid blog just feeling sad today. And I miss her even though Iâm probably well rid.

I too would suggest online meetings if you can't attend face to face meetings. There are no easy answers or short-cuts when dealing with grieving and this disease just adds many layers of complexity to it all. I arrived in Al-Anon recovery with low self-esteem and wanted answers to all my questions too. It just doesn't happen that way - more is revealed as we heal and deal in our program.

I'm sending you positive thoughts for recovery - we all deserve to be happy, healthy and whole! Keep coming back.

Thanks everyone - I suppose selfishly and I do feel wicked for saying this but if she never had a drink again Iâd feel like it was because I was out of her life. So to save me and my feelings I wanted her to drink because I was gone.... how messed up is that. I think them bitter thoughts sometimes They are so good at emotionally manipulating you Iâve never experienced anything like this in my life. My heart goes out to people have had partners and members of their family who are alcoholics and lived with it for years. I was just too soft hearted I think. I had no boundaries just sympathy and love and itâs not enough. I wish I would have gone to al anon from the very beginning and maybe things would have been different.

Hi Carly, my AH told me I was his trigger too, I choose not to believe this as he was always quick to blame everyone else for his problems, a constant pity party for himself, his drinking AND drugs were always caused by someone else, me, the kids, his work colleagues, his upbringing.. always always someone else. I also took away all love and affection, I just switched off my humanity which made the situation worse, but what else could I do? Why should I and how could I show love to someone who treated me so bad. Our xmas was awful, I found some empty beer cans, he denied they were his, we had a huge row, as always my fault of course!! He has left says I am his trigger and he's not coming back. I said I would help him to pack. Now he accuses me of not caring about him and supporting him and to top it off accuses me of cheating (all because I show him no love).. see my fault again. The point is we are not the triggers, they are ill and do not see things like we do. Do not feel bad you cannot help who they are. I'm sure like me you have done the very best you can do for this person. Take care of yourself.

((CarlyH)) thank you for sharing and Im glad youre here. Youre lucky, Ive lived with the effects of alcoholism my whole life. I learned some toxic behaviors trying to survive in it. The most destructive thing I used to cope was to dwell in the past and project into the future. The constant chatter in my head eventually left me with zero energy to take care of myself. For many years I felt suicidal and homicidal all at the same time. We call this phenomenon our stinking thinking. I just didnt know any better back then and I was just doing the best I could and Ive forgiven myself. Alanon has taught me that I can live One Day at a Time and has given me a life thats more than I couldve ever dreamed it could be. The effects of alcoholism are still all around me. What changed was me. Alanon taught me that just for today I have the choice to tell the committee in my head to sit down and shut up. This has given me the space to focus on my needs and not the alcoholic thats doing God knows what and is none of my business anyway. Ive learned the only one Im responsible for is myself and that Im worth it. I recommend attending the online meetings here, I do and I get the gift of serenity every time :)

Thanks for replying guys. Means a lot I know Iâm lucky in some respects as Iâve gotten away from it early. I suppose when you plan and have a massive expectation of someone and it doesnât come through itâs just hard to deal with. Iâm rubbish at dealing with hurt and pain. Iâll take one day at a time and I like the saying âstinking thinkingâ a lot! Iâve definitely been doing too much of that Thanks ð

Hugs Carly glad you are here .. I think one thing I realized big time was of nothing changes ... nothing changes .. one of the biggest helps to me was accepting I'm not the only one with choices .. this was after I discovered I had a choice. It never dawned on me that my ex had choices as well. 3 ways an A gets out.. recovery, body bag or incarcination .. mental or jail .. they may just go at a slower pace by cutting back enough to find a new enabler .. I'm guilty of knowing how to love someone to death. So yes .. I can change my behavior .. the people around me still have choices to respond/ react to those changes. It doesn't mean they respond the way I think they should. Keep coming back! :)

Btw there are 4 c's in alateen the last one being I can contribute. So while the A drinking is so not on me .. I have to address my own behavior and when I was with my ex AH I was not even slightly sane at times. It was all him (let's get serious living with active addiction on a good day can be crazy making because it's utterly illogical). I totally had a part in allowing him to use me as an excuse. That was my biggest contribution to socialism as a disease. My thinking. Hugs s :)