It is a while since I posted anything, but I feel the need to share this significant event. The sudden and unexpected death of my primary A, my father. We just had his funeral, so this is a tough Christmas for my family. There is a lot of sadness in me and I'm taking each hour at a time during this time. There were times during his life when I wondered what it might be like if he were dead, and every time I thought this I felt such guilt. He had two sides like most As and I wanted the bad Dad to go away forever, but leave the good Dad. Now both sides of him are gone.The grump non Dad who was often abusive in my childhood and absent in my adulthood. And the lovely man that I knew in sober moments.
I keep dreaming about him and grieving in the dream. Like one dream there were two of him. One had died and the other him was still alive and I was crying and upset with him saying why did you go and die. I miss him.
It is complex. I feel as though I'm grieving as much for all the lost and missing opportunities that come with having an unavailable parent, as much as grieving the loss of his passing. I'm also left with a controlling and demanding mother and feel so much internal pressure to please and rescue her when I just need to take care of myself before I lose the plot.
Tigger x
hotrod said
Dec 26, 2017
(((Tigger)) I am so sorry to read of the loss of your Dad. Grieving is indeed a difficult process especially during the Holiday Season. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
Maybe your Mom could go with you to your alanon meeting as the meeting or the literature might help.
Tigger said
Dec 26, 2017
Thank you so much Betty.
She used to go to alanon years ago but insists she doesn't need it anymore. She still reads her ODAAt I think.
hotrod said
Dec 26, 2017
Prayers continue My Dear friend.
Lyne said
Dec 26, 2017
Hi Tigger-I relate to your grief. Lost my dad in my early 20's. Lost my mom last Nov., and I just put my dog down with cancer. The grief I feel now is like a dull ache that doesn't stop. I think only time now will help. I know I need to practice my Alanon tools to keep going . I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I didn't know what it was like, but that's not reality. Be gentle with yourself, Lyne
Tigger said
Dec 26, 2017
Thank you so much Lyne. I am sorry to hear your loss too. I feel your pain over your doggie friend. When my beloved cat died it was like losing a part of me.
Take good care of yourself too x
SerenityRUS said
Dec 26, 2017
Hugs .. prayers and condolences.
Tigger said
Dec 26, 2017
Thank you so much SerenityRUS
Aline said
Dec 26, 2017
I'm sorry for your loss, Tigger... Positive thoughts your way.
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 26, 2017
(((Tigger)))
I don't know you, nor your story as I am a fairly newcomer here. But your share touched my heart b/c I have lost someone on Christmas Day (4 yrs ago), so I know the intense feeling of pain the holidays can bring. So my condolences to you for losing an obviously beloved father.
While I am not religious, I do believe in Spirit. I believe that dream was FOR you. One to help you to see that the loving father's soul is at peace without the monster of alcoholism to contend with. 2nd, it allowed you a safe space for you to "unload" all the "why" questions. I hope that it brought you some measure of peace.
Up your support b/c it sounds like your mom is grieving in her way, but it is a way that can steal your serenity.
Jerry F said
Dec 26, 2017
Aloha Tigger and thanks for coming back in and sharing yourself with the family. I relate to the grieving in the way that "What do I do with all of this left over love I have for them". I loved the standoffish, negative, angry parents and saved it up for years until the time came that I could express it as best I could. When my parents died I was okay with how our relationships ended up. Some times it takes just a few or one consolation events can change the whole picture. (((hugs)))
Tigger said
Dec 26, 2017
Thank you all. Your words mean a lot.
Tigger said
Dec 26, 2017
I reckon know what you mean Jerry. In the past few years, my Dad and I had shared just a few meaningful exchanges, and I feel we made peace and healed something in our connection that need it. Alanon had helped with that since I joined as it allowed me to open my heart and see the man behind the isms and love him unconditionally. I also wrote and read a eulogy which was healing. When it is sudden, there doesn't leave room for a goodbye though, and that has left a gap of lack of closure that is hard.
Iamhere said
Dec 26, 2017
Hey there Tigger - good to see you here. So very, very sorry for the loss of your father. I am blessed to still have mind and feel grateful that the program has given me the ability to love them in spite of how this disease has affected all of us. Know that I'm sending tons of positive thoughts and prayers your way...grieve when/as you need too - it's the healthy response that we so often before weren't graced with!
Keep coming back!
Tigger said
Dec 26, 2017
Thank you Iamhere, I am feeling your positive vibes.
My head and heart are all confused and disorientated by my mother's needs, which seem to clash with what I need to take care of myself. As my job has always. been her rescuer, it is tearing me up inside. She has always got her way but somehow this time I don't know how to abandon myself anymore.
Iamhere said
Dec 26, 2017
So sorry Tigger - I imagine it is tough. As we always try to hold onto - to thine own self be true. I do know for me that I am more able to be of service when I am doing self-care. You all are going through an unplanned loss, be gentle with the process and remember that you are only human. (((Hugs)))
Tigger said
Dec 27, 2017
Thank you so much for your words Iamhere.
Yes, I have to keep reminding myself I'm not my mother's higher power.
serenity47 said
Dec 27, 2017
I am so sorry about the loss of your father. I have lost mine a couple of years ago as well. Although he had quit drinking he never found "recovery" and could be a very difficult person to be around. I however was given the blessing to have several nice moments with him in the years before he passed when he was able to mellow and I could see the man underneath. A man one who had done the best he could with what he knew at the time. I am thankful to be able to let go of him in forgiveness for not being the father I needed and recognize him for the person he was deficits, shortcomings and all. That was my gift of forgiveness that I was given. (Hugs)
Steph79 said
Dec 27, 2017
God Bless Tigger! It's really hard to lose someone you love - even if it's only half of them you miss... Take care of yourself!
Tigger said
Dec 27, 2017
Thank you serenity47.
I really can relate to what you shared. It is so good that you could come to that place of forgiveness and acceptance with your Dad. Like Jerry said earlier, it is those small moments that mean such a lot, and all it needs is one or a few of those moments. I feel blessed to have been able to have let go of such a lot in order to be able to have an open heart to mine over recent years. One of the gifts alanon has given me is the ability to lean about and begin to practice unconditional love.
Tigger said
Dec 27, 2017
Thank you so much Steph79.
At least I came to understand he had a disease that he was powerless over, and that the half I miss was his true self. This thread and everyone's kindness in sharing with me are really healing and I can feel a higher power in all your words. It is helping with the process and the coming to terms. How lucky we are to have a fellowship of people who understand the complexity of living and loving in an A family.
x
Iamhere said
Dec 27, 2017
Love that share above me Tigger - and it's so true and such a great gift - to have a fellowship of people who understand the complexity of living and loving in an A family. Keep doing what you are doing and know that prayers and positive thoughts/energy are headed your way! (((Hugs)))
Tigger said
Dec 29, 2017
Thanks Iamhere. Prayers and positive vibes really helping keep me strong.
Finally I am learning to take care of myself and me first x
Iamhere said
Dec 29, 2017
You got this tigger....when there is a loss in my life/family, my sponsor reminds me that we all deal with grief and heal differently. These small reminders that while we are all imperfect humans, we are design uniquely different by one who has a master plan really helps me accept/embrace the actions/reactions of others. It's such a difficult time - be gentle and take good care of you.....(((Hugs)))
Tigger said
Dec 30, 2017
I like that idea Iamhere. That we are all valuable in our own way as exactly who and how we are. Growing up ACA, our imperfections and uniqueness can seem unacceptable and flawed. Thank you for the reminder.
Hi Friends,
It is a while since I posted anything, but I feel the need to share this significant event. The sudden and unexpected death of my primary A, my father. We just had his funeral, so this is a tough Christmas for my family. There is a lot of sadness in me and I'm taking each hour at a time during this time. There were times during his life when I wondered what it might be like if he were dead, and every time I thought this I felt such guilt. He had two sides like most As and I wanted the bad Dad to go away forever, but leave the good Dad. Now both sides of him are gone.The grump non Dad who was often abusive in my childhood and absent in my adulthood. And the lovely man that I knew in sober moments.
I keep dreaming about him and grieving in the dream. Like one dream there were two of him. One had died and the other him was still alive and I was crying and upset with him saying why did you go and die. I miss him.
It is complex. I feel as though I'm grieving as much for all the lost and missing opportunities that come with having an unavailable parent, as much as grieving the loss of his passing. I'm also left with a controlling and demanding mother and feel so much internal pressure to please and rescue her when I just need to take care of myself before I lose the plot.
Tigger x
Maybe your Mom could go with you to your alanon meeting as the meeting or the literature might help.
She used to go to alanon years ago but insists she doesn't need it anymore. She still reads her ODAAt I think.
Take good care of yourself too x
I don't know you, nor your story as I am a fairly newcomer here. But your share touched my heart b/c I have lost someone on Christmas Day (4 yrs ago), so I know the intense feeling of pain the holidays can bring. So my condolences to you for losing an obviously beloved father.
While I am not religious, I do believe in Spirit. I believe that dream was FOR you. One to help you to see that the loving father's soul is at peace without the monster of alcoholism to contend with. 2nd, it allowed you a safe space for you to "unload" all the "why" questions. I hope that it brought you some measure of peace.
Up your support b/c it sounds like your mom is grieving in her way, but it is a way that can steal your serenity.
Aloha Tigger and thanks for coming back in and sharing yourself with the family. I relate to the grieving in the way that "What do I do with all of this left over love I have for them". I loved the standoffish, negative, angry parents and saved it up for years until the time came that I could express it as best I could. When my parents died I was okay with how our relationships ended up. Some times it takes just a few or one consolation events can change the whole picture. (((hugs)))
Keep coming back!
My head and heart are all confused and disorientated by my mother's needs, which seem to clash with what I need to take care of myself. As my job has always. been her rescuer, it is tearing me up inside. She has always got her way but somehow this time I don't know how to abandon myself anymore.
Yes, I have to keep reminding myself I'm not my mother's higher power.
I really can relate to what you shared. It is so good that you could come to that place of forgiveness and acceptance with your Dad. Like Jerry said earlier, it is those small moments that mean such a lot, and all it needs is one or a few of those moments. I feel blessed to have been able to have let go of such a lot in order to be able to have an open heart to mine over recent years. One of the gifts alanon has given me is the ability to lean about and begin to practice unconditional love.
At least I came to understand he had a disease that he was powerless over, and that the half I miss was his true self. This thread and everyone's kindness in sharing with me are really healing and I can feel a higher power in all your words. It is helping with the process and the coming to terms. How lucky we are to have a fellowship of people who understand the complexity of living and loving in an A family.
x
Finally I am learning to take care of myself and me first x