Yup. My phone rang tonight around 5:30, but I didn't recognize the number, and I was in the middle of Christmas dinner with my family, so I did not pick up. Later when it was quiet, I listened to the voicemail.
RAH sounded good, but oddly wished me and my son a "Merry Christmas." What part of this Christmas does he think is "Merry" for us? He said he is doing well, and hopes to "Hear from us, um...I mean I hope to get to call you soon." Hmmmm.
So here comes the guilt. I feel like I should've tried to reach out to him. But in all honesty, I didn't know he was able to make or receive calls and what to say? I was NOT going to say "Merry Christmas," b/c I am barely holding on to my happiness. Sometimes I feel like I am on a tightrope... sometimes balanced and strong, other times swaying in the breeze, just trying not to fall off!! Yes, I could've called the facility to ask, but I have been doing so well these past two months NC.
I am assuming from his message that he had not received the divorce petition from the sheriff's office yet. I guess he will figure out on his own why I did not call in a few days, as they gave me a two week timeline.
I did let his son listen to the voicemail... he turned to me and said, "He sounded good." So that's a good thing.
The other odd thing was that he wished my parents Merry Christmas as well... it seems to me like he doesn't realize how much he F'up our lives. Not to mention any of the emotional stuff. So my parents don't seem like they are ready to forgive - at least that's the vibe I get from them. They can't understand why I do some of the stuff I do, or say some of the stuff I say. I try and tell them that I am working my Al-Anon program and it helps me to move out of being angry... but they don't seems to get it.
I had to write this all out as this call has given me some anxiety... it made me realize that I have been living in this little alcoholic-free, NC bubble. Come January 2nd, my STBXH will be going to sober living, and will be contacting me. Then again, maybe after getting the divorce papers, he won't.
This is where I need to live One Day At A Time. ODAT, PNP, ODAT!
Maresie said
Dec 26, 2017
PosiesandPuppies wrote:
Yup. My phone rang tonight around 5:30, but I didn't recognize the number, and I was in the middle of Christmas dinner with my family, so I did not pick up. Later when it was quiet, I listened to the voicemail.
RAH sounded good, but oddly wished me and my son a "Merry Christmas." What part of this Christmas does he think is "Merry" for us? He said he is doing well, and hopes to "Hear from us, um...I mean I hope to get to call you soon." Hmmmm.
So here comes the guilt. I feel like I should've tried to reach out to him. But in all honesty, I didn't know he was able to make or receive calls and what to say? I was NOT going to say "Merry Christmas," b/c I am barely holding on to my happiness. Sometimes I feel like I am on a tightrope... sometimes balanced and strong, other times swaying in the breeze, just trying not to fall off!! Yes, I could've called the facility to ask, but I have been doing so well these past two months NC.
I am assuming from his message that he had not received the divorce petition from the sheriff's office yet. I guess he will figure out on his own why I did not call in a few days, as they gave me a two week timeline.
I did let his son listen to the voicemail... he turned to me and said, "He sounded good." So that's a good thing.
The other odd thing was that he wished my parents Merry Christmas as well... it seems to me like he doesn't realize how much he F'up our lives. Not to mention any of the emotional stuff. So my parents don't seem like they are ready to forgive - at least that's the vibe I get from them. They can't understand why I do some of the stuff I do, or say some of the stuff I say. I try and tell them that I am working my Al-Anon program and it helps me to move out of being angry... but they don't seems to get it.
I had to write this all out as this call has given me some anxiety... it made me realize that I have been living in this little alcoholic-free, NC bubble. Come January 2nd, my STBXH will be going to sober living, and will be contacting me. Then again, maybe after getting the divorce papers, he won't.
This is where I need to live One Day At A Time. ODAT, PNP, ODAT!
Maresie said
Dec 26, 2017
I have had similar experiences. The idea is that when they do call.after being without communication you are supposed to do.something. I no longer feel the guilt about not jumping when I.am.summoned. i.dont feel guilt either that I don't behave in ways that I am supposed to by anyone anymore
The sense of entitlement is profound in some people.
Getting service from the sheriff's is sometimes slow
I don't doubt for one second that when he is served that you will get a reaction from him.
I never paid much attention to other people's entitlement.
I reacted to it. I didn't respond. Responding involved taking care of yourself
Whatever that is for you remember no one is going to label judge or think they know what's right foir you here.
Maresie
Iamhere said
Dec 26, 2017
(((PnP))) - sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. It is moments like this where I really have to set aside my 'brain, ego, thoughts' and lean into the program. It's easy to sit here and assume or believe they have no idea the damage they've caused. I can tell you when I went to treatment all those years ago, my denial was huge and I really believed deep down within me that I had only hurt myself...it took me a long while to understand and truly appreciate the extent of the hurt, damage and wreckage I had caused others.
What I've discovered as I went through that side of recovery is the healthiest people do forgive and understand it's for them to move forward and not about forgetting/forgiving me. Those who are stuck have great difficulty forgiving others and certainly never forget - even keep a mental checklist of all that I did that was wrong. In 30 years of sobriety, I still have a brother who is distant, judgmental, condescending and unforgiving. I made my amends and can certainly suggest that my living amends to him/his family have far exceeded the damage I caused him, yet he's unforgiving/unhappy/stuck. As I worked my recovery from A, I literally found those capable of love and forgiveness to be inspiring and fascinating on many levels. You can see a spiritual existence in them and I could see how 'not' like that I was.
When it came time to enter Al-Anon, I was much more like my brother. I had a checklist of all the wrongs that had been done to me, and in my own egotistical mind, believed my story 'worse' as I'd stayed sober and this is the end result? I was angry at them, God, and just about anyone else who dared to show me kindness or compassion. As I settled into Al-Anon recovery, I again found two sets of people - those who are genuinely happy and free from the burden of living for others and then those who are stuck in their pain, still blaming others and the disease for everything and truly not pleasant to be around for too long.
I made a decision and asked my HP to get me to the healthier, happier group. I am one who does pray each morning asking for his will to keep me sober, sane, serene and of service. I still recall the damage caused by this disease, directly and indirectly, but it all reminds me who I no longer want to be. My only point - just keep doing you and putting you first and practice the program and one day, you will see him as he is - an imperfect person who did many imperfect things that you want to like from across the street and not give you peace, power and serenity to. Working this program and practicing these principals in my affairs really does give me the ability to detach lovingly and with grace instead of indifference or intolerance.
You and yours are all in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of you!
SerenityRUS said
Dec 26, 2017
Big hugs .. to thine own self be true. This has to be a big anxiety for you wondering when he's going to get the papers. You will know when he gets them ... my personal experience. So until he does don't torture yourself. It's great he sounds good. I hope that's the case. I also know giving false hope is cruel. It just is .. it creates the expectation of I thought everything was ok. I'm just putting it out there to do what you need to do to take care of you without sending mixed messages. If you want to call .. call .. if you don't want to .. don't. I dealt a lot with what I should have felt. I should have felt bad because I was starting things to end the marriage for me .. that's not what I felt bad about. I felt bad for multiple reasons .. ending the marriage was not one of them. Big hugs it gets better. :)
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Tuesday 26th of December 2017 03:18:13 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 26, 2017
Thank you, Marasie... that is why I post here... there is no feeling of judgement here. No "I should be doing this," or "please wait for this to happen - for AH's benefit." Just heartfelt honesty.
Serenity - That is my goal for today... quit living in the Land of Should Haves! Thank you for your support.
IAH - I "feel" my AH has no idea b/c of the tone of his voice and what he said. But also b/c with his last rehab and amends, he did say to me that he really had no idea how deep the betrayal and hurt went in me. He did not realize the damage he caused. This time, with alcohol being the "wonderful" drug that it is, he had many blackouts, and interactions with me that he has never remembered. To the point that he would accuse me of making them up! But in reading your post, the important thing is for me to ask my HP daily for help working on me, so that I can have the ability to detach lovingly and with grace... and especially THIS:
"...you want to like from across the street and not give you peace, power and serenity to."
In writing this out, I am realizing that I am letting fear get the best of me... causing me to future-project. Perhaps I should be asking my HP each morning, "HP, help me to live this day without emotional fear." Help me to know deep in my soul that FEARS ARE NOT FACTS.
Thank you all for helping me to understand what I need to do!
This is the first year that I can say I am truly anxious (in a good way) for the New Year!
Peace.
Iamhere said
Dec 26, 2017
PnP - for me, 99% of the time, when I feel fear or anxiety it is because I am anywhere but here/now. It's such a hard habit for me to break - worry about others, dwell on what coulda/shoulda/woulda been or wondering about the future. My brain kind of floats anyways - it always has so when I am able to just pause long enough and be reminded that what matters is today, I can often settle my fears/anxiety.
When I was in rehab, my parents had disowned me (and my brothers) and we'd not spoken in quite a long while. Part of the rehab. is to reach out to family. I gave 1,000 excuses that were real in my mind why it was not a good idea. My family is not a forgiving type - they are grudge-holders and I was the 'black sheep'. Knowing my parents as I do, I was still pleasantly surprised that they took the call. They did not understand and like so many believe I should just stop drinking/drugging/making poor choices. But, they took the call and they came for one family session. They were full of anger, shame and embarrassment and chose to not return. I never expected them to come in the first place so it was not too upsetting for me.
Yet, in spite of all the treatment suggests and all that we learn, I do believe deep down it takes a ton of time to understand the level of pain/hurt that we created when active with the disease. I was a big black-out drinker and still, 30 years later, especially with family I will hear - Do you remember when .... and cringe because I don't remember. It's not always horrible but it's a reminder how much alcohol and I are not 'meant to be'.
Hang in there - I'm trying to just give insight into what he may/may not think or expect. Most phone calls to family don't go 'well' in rehab. You would not be the first or last spouse or family member who was 'less than joyous and loving'....just the reality of it all!
maryjane said
Dec 26, 2017
PNP, You actually sound very emotionally healthy, even while you are questioning.... I love your quote, "you want to like from across the street". That is how I lived too. I did not divorce him, but there was that gap between us that just could not be jumped even though it has been 17 years since his sobriety started.
The first few years of his sobriety were confusing. I expected so much more, but I was in the beginning of my AlAnon at the same time. I didn't know what I didn't know. It was more anxious confusion and I had had so much anxious confusion all during his drinking days.
I am happy that you have been in AlAnon long enough to know that you have to take care of yourself first. You have to make yourself happy first. You don't even have to worry about the fears (and some of them are valid) if your thoughts every morning are "Thank you God for everything!" and then you go forward into your day with a happy heart.
Yup. My phone rang tonight around 5:30, but I didn't recognize the number, and I was in the middle of Christmas dinner with my family, so I did not pick up. Later when it was quiet, I listened to the voicemail.
RAH sounded good, but oddly wished me and my son a "Merry Christmas." What part of this Christmas does he think is "Merry" for us? He said he is doing well, and hopes to "Hear from us, um...I mean I hope to get to call you soon." Hmmmm.
So here comes the guilt. I feel like I should've tried to reach out to him. But in all honesty, I didn't know he was able to make or receive calls and what to say? I was NOT going to say "Merry Christmas," b/c I am barely holding on to my happiness. Sometimes I feel like I am on a tightrope... sometimes balanced and strong, other times swaying in the breeze, just trying not to fall off!! Yes, I could've called the facility to ask, but I have been doing so well these past two months NC.
I am assuming from his message that he had not received the divorce petition from the sheriff's office yet. I guess he will figure out on his own why I did not call in a few days, as they gave me a two week timeline.
I did let his son listen to the voicemail... he turned to me and said, "He sounded good." So that's a good thing.
The other odd thing was that he wished my parents Merry Christmas as well... it seems to me like he doesn't realize how much he F'up our lives. Not to mention any of the emotional stuff. So my parents don't seem like they are ready to forgive - at least that's the vibe I get from them. They can't understand why I do some of the stuff I do, or say some of the stuff I say. I try and tell them that I am working my Al-Anon program and it helps me to move out of being angry... but they don't seems to get it.
I had to write this all out as this call has given me some anxiety... it made me realize that I have been living in this little alcoholic-free, NC bubble. Come January 2nd, my STBXH will be going to sober living, and will be contacting me. Then again, maybe after getting the divorce papers, he won't.
This is where I need to live One Day At A Time. ODAT, PNP, ODAT!
I have had similar experiences. The idea is that when they do call.after being without communication you are supposed to do.something. I no longer feel the guilt about not jumping when I.am.summoned. i.dont feel guilt either that I don't behave in ways that I am supposed to by anyone anymore
The sense of entitlement is profound in some people.
Getting service from the sheriff's is sometimes slow
I don't doubt for one second that when he is served that you will get a reaction from him.
I never paid much attention to other people's entitlement.
I reacted to it. I didn't respond. Responding involved taking care of yourself
Whatever that is for you remember no one is going to label judge or think they know what's right foir you here.
Maresie
What I've discovered as I went through that side of recovery is the healthiest people do forgive and understand it's for them to move forward and not about forgetting/forgiving me. Those who are stuck have great difficulty forgiving others and certainly never forget - even keep a mental checklist of all that I did that was wrong. In 30 years of sobriety, I still have a brother who is distant, judgmental, condescending and unforgiving. I made my amends and can certainly suggest that my living amends to him/his family have far exceeded the damage I caused him, yet he's unforgiving/unhappy/stuck. As I worked my recovery from A, I literally found those capable of love and forgiveness to be inspiring and fascinating on many levels. You can see a spiritual existence in them and I could see how 'not' like that I was.
When it came time to enter Al-Anon, I was much more like my brother. I had a checklist of all the wrongs that had been done to me, and in my own egotistical mind, believed my story 'worse' as I'd stayed sober and this is the end result? I was angry at them, God, and just about anyone else who dared to show me kindness or compassion. As I settled into Al-Anon recovery, I again found two sets of people - those who are genuinely happy and free from the burden of living for others and then those who are stuck in their pain, still blaming others and the disease for everything and truly not pleasant to be around for too long.
I made a decision and asked my HP to get me to the healthier, happier group. I am one who does pray each morning asking for his will to keep me sober, sane, serene and of service. I still recall the damage caused by this disease, directly and indirectly, but it all reminds me who I no longer want to be. My only point - just keep doing you and putting you first and practice the program and one day, you will see him as he is - an imperfect person who did many imperfect things that you want to like from across the street and not give you peace, power and serenity to. Working this program and practicing these principals in my affairs really does give me the ability to detach lovingly and with grace instead of indifference or intolerance.
You and yours are all in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of you!
Big hugs .. to thine own self be true. This has to be a big anxiety for you wondering when he's going to get the papers. You will know when he gets them ... my personal experience. So until he does don't torture yourself. It's great he sounds good. I hope that's the case. I also know giving false hope is cruel. It just is .. it creates the expectation of I thought everything was ok. I'm just putting it out there to do what you need to do to take care of you without sending mixed messages. If you want to call .. call .. if you don't want to .. don't. I dealt a lot with what I should have felt. I should have felt bad because I was starting things to end the marriage for me .. that's not what I felt bad about. I felt bad for multiple reasons .. ending the marriage was not one of them. Big hugs it gets better. :)
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Tuesday 26th of December 2017 03:18:13 PM
Thank you, Marasie... that is why I post here... there is no feeling of judgement here. No "I should be doing this," or "please wait for this to happen - for AH's benefit." Just heartfelt honesty.
Serenity - That is my goal for today... quit living in the Land of Should Haves! Thank you for your support.
IAH - I "feel" my AH has no idea b/c of the tone of his voice and what he said. But also b/c with his last rehab and amends, he did say to me that he really had no idea how deep the betrayal and hurt went in me. He did not realize the damage he caused. This time, with alcohol being the "wonderful" drug that it is, he had many blackouts, and interactions with me that he has never remembered. To the point that he would accuse me of making them up! But in reading your post, the important thing is for me to ask my HP daily for help working on me, so that I can have the ability to detach lovingly and with grace... and especially THIS:
"...you want to like from across the street and not give you peace, power and serenity to."
In writing this out, I am realizing that I am letting fear get the best of me... causing me to future-project. Perhaps I should be asking my HP each morning, "HP, help me to live this day without emotional fear." Help me to know deep in my soul that FEARS ARE NOT FACTS.
Thank you all for helping me to understand what I need to do!
This is the first year that I can say I am truly anxious (in a good way) for the New Year!
Peace.
When I was in rehab, my parents had disowned me (and my brothers) and we'd not spoken in quite a long while. Part of the rehab. is to reach out to family. I gave 1,000 excuses that were real in my mind why it was not a good idea. My family is not a forgiving type - they are grudge-holders and I was the 'black sheep'. Knowing my parents as I do, I was still pleasantly surprised that they took the call. They did not understand and like so many believe I should just stop drinking/drugging/making poor choices. But, they took the call and they came for one family session. They were full of anger, shame and embarrassment and chose to not return. I never expected them to come in the first place so it was not too upsetting for me.
Yet, in spite of all the treatment suggests and all that we learn, I do believe deep down it takes a ton of time to understand the level of pain/hurt that we created when active with the disease. I was a big black-out drinker and still, 30 years later, especially with family I will hear - Do you remember when .... and cringe because I don't remember. It's not always horrible but it's a reminder how much alcohol and I are not 'meant to be'.
Hang in there - I'm trying to just give insight into what he may/may not think or expect. Most phone calls to family don't go 'well' in rehab. You would not be the first or last spouse or family member who was 'less than joyous and loving'....just the reality of it all!
The first few years of his sobriety were confusing. I expected so much more, but I was in the beginning of my AlAnon at the same time. I didn't know what I didn't know. It was more anxious confusion and I had had so much anxious confusion all during his drinking days.
I am happy that you have been in AlAnon long enough to know that you have to take care of yourself first. You have to make yourself happy first. You don't even have to worry about the fears (and some of them are valid) if your thoughts every morning are "Thank you God for everything!" and then you go forward into your day with a happy heart.
Take care of yourself.