So this is kind of late in posting b/c I hadn't planned on sharing this... but the more I thought about it and read posts here on the MIP board, I thought that this ESH could help someone else...
I had shared earlier about a letter from my spouse's rehab facility inviting family members to come visit their Qualifiers on Christmas Day. After much thought, I had decided to not go visit, but my son was going to go. It was planned out last Sunday.
Low and behold, my son began having nightmares. He had one that was so bad, I thought it was a night terror. But upon waking him, he remembered every minute detail of the nightmare. It was about his father... and it wasn't good. First I had to figure out if this really happened, or if it was a nightmarish version of something similar. It was such that felt the need to talk to his therapist about it. Because of the narrative, I thought that perhaps even though his conscious self thought it was "No big deal" to go see his dad, his subconscious was literally screaming "It indeed was a big deal!" and we should be paying attention to this. The therapist basically told me the same thing. That it sounds like deep down, my son is not ready, and too emotionally fragile to handle this right now. But because he is a teen, he's putting on a "brave face." She said that I need to be the parent and take this responsibility off his shoulders.
I spoke to my sponsor about this as well, and she told me something really important (for me). She said, "Just because it is 'The holidays,' don't let that put pressure on you or your son. Think of this time as any other day/month."
So I went into "Mama Bear" mode and told my husband's family that this was happening, and the best thing for DS is to see his father on his time schedule.
I did deal with my own guilt about this, but the effect on my son on knowing he didn't have to go see his dad in rehab was almost instantaneous! So that helped a lot.
A couple days later, my son shared that he had a dream prior to the "bad one" that unsettled him, but he didn't mention it at the time. It involved a scene in which my RAH moved into my son and I's new home. He said we were acting as if nothing had happened, and everything was odd and robotic. All the while he was feeling out of control and like all his pain was being trivialized. Like what he experienced living with addiction was unimportant. Very revealing, I thought... as that is pretty much what happened 7 years ago with the last rehab stint. It told me that my son's preference for the future is NOT what I did last time... so I am on the right path.
Aline said
Dec 25, 2017
PnP, please don't get me wrong, but your share gave me a good feeling, I guess because you're taking such good care of your kid :) Its hard being a teenager as I well remember, let alone all the other stuff... I'm sending you and your son positive thoughts!
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 25, 2017
Aline, in no way would I take your ESH on my post in a negative way! Your "feeling" about this situation just reaffirms that I am doing the right thing... it helps me to stop listening to all the guilt that is talking in my head! So thank you!
mamalioness said
Dec 25, 2017
PnP GOOD MAMA!!!!! glad you are not feeling guilt that would be totally undeserved.....ask yourself when in doubt....who matters most??? child or the GROWN UP alcoholic????? and add you into that ----WHO is most important????? WHO needs you emotionally sober????
-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 25th of December 2017 08:02:03 PM
-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 25th of December 2017 08:02:34 PM
Iamhere said
Dec 25, 2017
(((PnP))) - love what your sponsor said to me, and have heard much the same many times over my recovery. I (being one who still thinks things should go a certain way) tend to forget I am truly not in charge. I am supposed to be staying in one day at a time and leaning into this program to help me determine what's the next best right thing! Being reminded that it's just another day helps me to remember to start over, engage my program and HP and go forward with the best of tools I have.
I'm sure sorry your son is having/was having nightmares. I can recall having many tough times as a teen (the youngest, only girl and just different than my brothers in many ways). My parents were both untreated ACoA(s) and truly did not understand me, my fears, my anxieties, my needs, my questions, etc. so I was often just dismissed and silenced. How wonderful that you are making an effort to use your program to be the best parent possible for your son. That's really all that parenting is - doing the best with what we got.
His share reminds me that I often ASSumed my kids weren't aware of the chaos/drama and yet...I know now that they were much smarter much sooner than I ever realized. This diseased touched them in ways I thought it didn't and yet as more has been revealed, my healthy response is no different - make amends if I need to and offer to be of service in their healing.
You're doing amazing. I had to be reminded that my choices for self-care are not the cause of another's sorrow or joy. (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Dec 25, 2017
Big hugs and in support .. good for you and I completely concur .. this is about you and your son. I remember my daughter at 13 having the same thoughts regarding her dad and I reconciling. She verbalized that that had been the first time she remembered me having anything more than one emotion. Usually anger. She was just happy I was happy and that was a good thing. Hugs s :)
So this is kind of late in posting b/c I hadn't planned on sharing this... but the more I thought about it and read posts here on the MIP board, I thought that this ESH could help someone else...
I had shared earlier about a letter from my spouse's rehab facility inviting family members to come visit their Qualifiers on Christmas Day. After much thought, I had decided to not go visit, but my son was going to go. It was planned out last Sunday.
Low and behold, my son began having nightmares. He had one that was so bad, I thought it was a night terror. But upon waking him, he remembered every minute detail of the nightmare. It was about his father... and it wasn't good. First I had to figure out if this really happened, or if it was a nightmarish version of something similar. It was such that felt the need to talk to his therapist about it. Because of the narrative, I thought that perhaps even though his conscious self thought it was "No big deal" to go see his dad, his subconscious was literally screaming "It indeed was a big deal!" and we should be paying attention to this. The therapist basically told me the same thing. That it sounds like deep down, my son is not ready, and too emotionally fragile to handle this right now. But because he is a teen, he's putting on a "brave face." She said that I need to be the parent and take this responsibility off his shoulders.
I spoke to my sponsor about this as well, and she told me something really important (for me). She said, "Just because it is 'The holidays,' don't let that put pressure on you or your son. Think of this time as any other day/month."
So I went into "Mama Bear" mode and told my husband's family that this was happening, and the best thing for DS is to see his father on his time schedule.
I did deal with my own guilt about this, but the effect on my son on knowing he didn't have to go see his dad in rehab was almost instantaneous! So that helped a lot.
A couple days later, my son shared that he had a dream prior to the "bad one" that unsettled him, but he didn't mention it at the time. It involved a scene in which my RAH moved into my son and I's new home. He said we were acting as if nothing had happened, and everything was odd and robotic. All the while he was feeling out of control and like all his pain was being trivialized. Like what he experienced living with addiction was unimportant. Very revealing, I thought... as that is pretty much what happened 7 years ago with the last rehab stint. It told me that my son's preference for the future is NOT what I did last time... so I am on the right path.
PnP GOOD MAMA!!!!! glad you are not feeling guilt that would be totally undeserved.....ask yourself when in doubt....who matters most??? child or the GROWN UP alcoholic????? and add you into that ----WHO is most important????? WHO needs you emotionally sober????
-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 25th of December 2017 08:02:03 PM
-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 25th of December 2017 08:02:34 PM
I'm sure sorry your son is having/was having nightmares. I can recall having many tough times as a teen (the youngest, only girl and just different than my brothers in many ways). My parents were both untreated ACoA(s) and truly did not understand me, my fears, my anxieties, my needs, my questions, etc. so I was often just dismissed and silenced. How wonderful that you are making an effort to use your program to be the best parent possible for your son. That's really all that parenting is - doing the best with what we got.
His share reminds me that I often ASSumed my kids weren't aware of the chaos/drama and yet...I know now that they were much smarter much sooner than I ever realized. This diseased touched them in ways I thought it didn't and yet as more has been revealed, my healthy response is no different - make amends if I need to and offer to be of service in their healing.
You're doing amazing. I had to be reminded that my choices for self-care are not the cause of another's sorrow or joy. (((Hugs)))