Alcoholic brother and now need to detach from him and parents advice appreciated.
Lisa gold said
Dec 24, 2017
Hi everyone! I am knew here. I have a brother who is an alcoholic. He is 26 around the age of 18 he started drinking and smoking weed. For as long as I could remember my parents sole focus is on him. I don't remember the last conversation I had with my parents that didn't involve his drinking. He has been to 9 rehab facilities. He had just completed a 4 month program and was so close to getting his 4 month sabriety chip. But didn't know what to do with himself and decided to drink his way into the hospital. My parents are away so it was up to me to be with him he got very violet with me. The next day I asked him why and he said he didn't have anything else to do. I really think I am done I need to separate myself from my family. I have two small kids that I need to focus on and I don't want the enxt 10 years of my life to involve my brothers drinking I feel bad but I think it needs to be done. Note I have been very supportive of him getting sober. But he made a choice. Any tips to do this?
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Freetime said
Dec 24, 2017
Hi Lisa, welcome and glad that you found us and shared. I'm sorry to hear about this distress. You will get lots of wisdom here, so keep checking back.
It sounds like you have been the "lost child" as your parents have felt the need to focus on their sick child. I think it's a normal reaction for parents, although it does not seem fair to the other child/ren. Alcoholism is known as cunning baffling, and powerful ... and everyone touching it suffers, including the alcoholic.
I understand and support your wish to focus on your two small kids. I believe young children should always take priority because they need our protection. But what to do about brother and family? Al-Anon suggests taking time and realizing that we don't have to make major decisions right away. The most important thing I learned in my early Al-Anon days was to focus on myself, and that I deserved recovery from the effects of living with alcoholism.
If you and your parents can get to Al-Anon meetings, it will be a life saver for all of you. You are not alone.
bud said
Dec 24, 2017
Welcome Lisa you're in the right place. I'm sorry this is happening and it's so sad and awful to watch a loved one destruct. I have learned that I can only make decisions for myself and all the love in the world cannot help someone who does not want help. Also that this disease was much to big for me to handle alone, but with the support of Al Anon, I continue to learn new ways and perspectives that move me forward to take the next right step for myself. I break it down and focus on just what is in front of me and what I need to keep myself safe and serene.
Please take care that you and the children are safe and have a few safety plans in place while you take the necessary time to figure out what is the next right step for you.
mamalioness said
Dec 24, 2017
Hi, Lisa: welcome to the club...I am senior, and my alcoholic brother is now in his 60's too, and hes been alcoholic forever it seems.....hes never been violent with me or another...IF he ever did, he would NEVER be in my space again...I draw the line when they get violent, I am gone..and they don't get another chance.....you can't help your brother or your family who seems to have dissed you because you are "ok" and don't "need them" so they focus on their "needy baby" who is the alcoholic and leave you abandoned.....I would, if I were you, get into some meetings so you can make healthier friends/allies in your recovery...You have , I am sure, abandonment issues re: the parents and also the dysfunction of his alcoholism, it has impacted your life, and program will help you "let go in peace" those who are not healthy for you to be around....anyone who gets violent is a danger and they need to be put at a huge distance...Family does not give ANYONE the right to get physically abusive.....NEVER is that acceptable...You owe you and your children....this alcoholic needs AA and that is HIS choice....I agree about "being done" when people are so into the disease that it takes from you, yea, you love and care about them, but you dont' owe anyone your life, your safety nor your peace and serenity.........take care and please keep coming back...
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Iamhere said
Dec 24, 2017
Welcome to MIP Lisa - glad you found us and glad you joined right in. So very sorry for the disease and it's affects on you, your brother and family. I do suggest you seek out and attend local Al-Anon meetings. That's where I found others who understood my place in life and helped me work on me to get to a different place.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Hi everyone! I am knew here. I have a brother who is an alcoholic. He is 26 around the age of 18 he started drinking and smoking weed. For as long as I could remember my parents sole focus is on him. I don't remember the last conversation I had with my parents that didn't involve his drinking. He has been to 9 rehab facilities. He had just completed a 4 month program and was so close to getting his 4 month sabriety chip. But didn't know what to do with himself and decided to drink his way into the hospital. My parents are away so it was up to me to be with him he got very violet with me. The next day I asked him why and he said he didn't have anything else to do. I really think I am done I need to separate myself from my family. I have two small kids that I need to focus on and I don't want the enxt 10 years of my life to involve my brothers drinking I feel bad but I think it needs to be done. Note I have been very supportive of him getting sober. But he made a choice. Any tips to do this?
.
It sounds like you have been the "lost child" as your parents have felt the need to focus on their sick child. I think it's a normal reaction for parents, although it does not seem fair to the other child/ren. Alcoholism is known as cunning baffling, and powerful ... and everyone touching it suffers, including the alcoholic.
I understand and support your wish to focus on your two small kids. I believe young children should always take priority because they need our protection. But what to do about brother and family? Al-Anon suggests taking time and realizing that we don't have to make major decisions right away. The most important thing I learned in my early Al-Anon days was to focus on myself, and that I deserved recovery from the effects of living with alcoholism.
If you and your parents can get to Al-Anon meetings, it will be a life saver for all of you. You are not alone.
Please take care that you and the children are safe and have a few safety plans in place while you take the necessary time to figure out what is the next right step for you.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!