This is a truism that keeps coming back to me in cycles throughout my recovery.  I get so caught up in what is going on around me in my job, personal life and other areas (mostly job these days), that I forget none of my hardships are really things being done "to" me so that I can suffer.  None of my challenges are personal obstacles devised by God just to make me have it difficult.  I tend to forget this when in the middle of conflict and resentment.  I really tend to forget it when the world is forcing me to learn, grow, and change and I am resistant.  In other words, I suffer when I am imposing my will and going with God's.

I used to think God cursed me by making me gay.  Then I thought I was cursed again with mental health problems (depression and anxiety), then cursed again with alcoholism, then cursed again with a horrible, dramatic long relationship with another alcoholic where we just got worse and worse together.  Even after my sobriety, and alanon too, I fall into patterns of struggle and resentment where I get so ANGRY that other people are treating me a certain way or that events have occurred in a way that I don't like.  I fight, I act out, I resist the need to grow and change.  I act willful.  Then guess what happens?  I suffer.

BUT - Instead of being an eternal sufferer now, what my program has given me is clarity and a way out.  When I am done suffering, I know what to do.  I work the steps on my problems.  I reach out.  I use my sponsor.  God made me Gay so I could come out and be strong.  He made me gay so I could help others.  God gave me challenges with depression and anxiety so I could be a better counselor and help other people recover. God made me alcoholic so I could recover and help others with the same problem.  God gave me that relationship (an all my relationships) to learn and grow from.  The relationship I had with my ex-A was for me to learn boundaries.  It was for me to recognize when I lose myself completely in another person and have nothing left to give myself.  It was done FOR me, not TO me in order for me to learn the difference between a healthy love and an unhealthy one.

The problems I have been having at work are shockingly also being done FOR me.  I have challenges because I need to be continuously humbled.  I work in recovery, but I am not recovery king. I don't get to stop working on myself because I'm sober and there is no active alcoholic qualifier in my life.  I constantly need to take in information for the purpose of self-improvement and enlightenment.  I used to argue a lot on these board, and in other places.  I let myself get treated like garbage in my drinking and when with the ex-A.  For a good while into my program, the pendulum swung to "nobody gets to treat me in a way I don't like!"  Umm...people can and are going to treat me however they want and I have no control over it.  What's in it FOR me when other people treat me in ways I don't like.  Hrm...opportunities to handle myself with dignity, maturity, and wisdom.  Am I good at that?  Not really.  That's why I need a program to continue to remind me to live along spiritual lines.  I need to be humble.  I always need to learn.  I am always a student more than a teacher.

For this moment - in this day, I am not asking or demanding from God, "Why is this happening to me???!!"  It is all so I can be who I am today and a better me tomorrow.  

So....if you feel like you are stuck in a really crappy spot right now.  If you are new to the program....  Hang on.  Your hardships will become your triumphs if you let them.  If you feel you are suffering now, it is so you will grow and not suffer the same way again later.  Have faith and let others help you.  

((Mark)) Thanks What a truly powerful share this Christmas Eve!!!! I think i heard a great deal of the important tool of "Acceptance" in your share I know when I finally reached "acceptance" in my recovery journey, my entire life seemed to fall into place. The anger at HP and FOO as well as my self pity and resentment because I could not have it my way lifted and I was able to see the importance of the lessons learned and the humility developed during the difficult times.
I also like how you pointed out that reaching out for help from others is extremely important I am so pleased I found the courage to do this as it made all the difference to my recovery.
Thanks again for sharing the journey.

 Thanks Mark,

                     I am heading for some of the subtleties and nuances of recovery-I did not move naturally and calmly from childhood to beyond... and did not learn to let go and move on as required. So your heading makes complete sense. But now I understand that these changes do not take place alone. We need others... ... thanks M8. -D. 

  Some smarty is going to think- time alone is really healthy and we should relish that! Sure.... But we are no longer 'my way or the doorway' thinkers any more... separateness and deep sensitive connectedness are both possible- and compatible... ...

pinkchip - that was beautiful and powerful and so true!  You seem so strong and I fully agree with what you're saying!  Humility is one of my weak points, and I am just recently learning this same lesson.  I'm not smarter than God (duh!), so why do I think I can get around these challenges without actually learning anything?  And, why would I WANT to?  Here's to getting stronger by admitting weakness, and being patient in the lessons!  Thank you for sharing that - Seriously!! 

Thanks for the memories Mark...these are what came on this recovery journey as I faced the insanity as a newbie...now I am very grateful for those newbie days and the un-forgetful lessons learned some simple some hard.  I was a ragger and use to yell, scream and hit, punch, kick, throw stuff and once started I would not stop.  My alcoholism counselor at the VA asked me..."Do you still know how to tantrum"? which caught me unawares "Do you still remember how you did it as a kid"? and I answered "yes"..."Give me a demo" he asked and fearing I would loose a good lesson I did the best I could remember and when I was done he said, "What I want you to do the next time you feel powerless and attacked is to find a safe place and allow yourself 15 seconds to tantrum...like that".  He explained the benefits mind, body, spirit and emotions of a tantrum and I became willing.  He also set a boundary with me, "If you ever get angry in this office I want an agreement that you never attack me"...that one made me weep because it came from a very trusted helper in my recovery.  I still have the permission to tantrum however there is much more space and grace between the trigger and the explosion for which I am eternally grateful.  

I love this share from you it has all of the tools of recovery.   Mahalo.   ((((hugs)))) 

"For this moment - in this day, I am not asking or demanding from God, "Why is this happening to me???!!" It is all so I can be who I am today and a better me tomorrow....."






I don't know if it is true for you, but often, when I re-read my own posts... what my sponsor had always told me seems obviously true; she said that whatever I'm suggesting to others, is the medicine I'm needing most. why should I be surprised that God is so efficient, LOL

For me... your post is about COURAGE, one of the principles and part of the character God tries to build and recover in me.  If I am a child of God, as such, shouldn't I be acting like a lion of courage.... and not some squeaking mouse.... scrambling around in restless fear, fear, fear.... reacting and over-reacting.... but definitely CONTROLLED by the world outside of me.

this cannot be not God's will for me.

Thank you for that reminder.  I'm going to go out today and practice courage.  Either I absolutely trust the One running the entire universe....... or I don't.

Attitude is what it is about Mark.  Yours looks right on.  Prayers and Good thoughts coming your way.  (((Hugs))) 

pinkchip wrote:

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I got fired today...and you know what? Whatever! I hated that job anyhow. It's all good...or it will be. This honestly feels better than trying to fit someplace I don't.

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Proof that HP has a sense of humor (and especially a sense of timing!)  I find it interesting how there are times when we're in a hurry for something to happen and God makes us wait, and other times we put something off and he will boot us through the door.

PC, the title you chose to give this topic resonates so much with me.  The therapist I've been working with most recently pointed out that much of the language I had been using reflected a victim mentality that remained alive and well inside me, despite having been in recovery since 2000 and in program since 2010.  In retrospect, I believe that was HP telling me that I have been successful in coming out of denial over what had been done "to" me (which is valid for childhood wounding), that I have taken ownership of the anger over that - but today it's time for me to address the "now what?" and start re-framing my self-talk so that I can move forward and grow.

And I can tell a difference as a result of that altered vocabulary.  I have become more confident at work (I'm also in the "rehab" business, but as an OT in a geriatric setting), and HP has placed me in a nurturing, team-oriented environment in which I'm able to flourish and thrive.  Away from work, my relationship with my GF has improved because I don't live in constant fear of abandonment as has been my life's history, even though life took her a significant distance away a few months ago.

Pink, you have consistently shown us an example of what it's really like to work a program, including the struggles, dead ends, times of doubt, and dark nights of the soul, which, to me, is more valuable than pie in the sky.  I can identify with your shares because working a program is DAMN TOUGH - but not as tough (or as empty) as life before program was.

Keep on working it, keep trusting HP's process and timing, and keep courageously sharing!

I find work a lot less challe ging with an anon.under my belt. 

I still want to f8nd a job that.pays better end offers better benefits.  I know dysfunction is the norm in a lot of positions. 

I hope you can rebound from this setback.  Work.has always been a great challenge for me.  I took it all very.very personally. 

I know I had a very difficult time detaching or even assessing what I was dealing with.    

These.days I.deal with far less stress but I know work is still a challenge for me. 

I th8nk it takes.a lot of courage to be willing to lo9k at patterns.  I certainly have them in many.areas. 

Maresie