I will start by saying since leaving my exAH I have done the work and am no longer enabling addicts. I am happy and life is good. Every Christmas I cycle and just find myself sobbing at some point thinking about all the miserable years of my childhood and 15 years with my exAH. I come back out of it and feel okay, but I wish I didnt have to fall apart every year after my kids head to their dads. This year I was set off over his selfishness today. My kids went to their dads today for Christmas, he is an active alcoholic and my exAH. It happens every year and every year I hate it. Im a nurse so I pick up most holidays and choose to celebrate Christmas late with my kids and our blended family of 6 and we let the other parents have the real holidays. I hate how I feel knowing how dysfunctional he is and that my oldest 19 year old daughter will have to clean up after him while at his house this week and my youngest thinks he is so amazing, because she is 9 and doesnt get it. He had my 19 year old adopt a cat for her younger sister from him for Christmas and didnt even offer her any money to pay for it. He came 3.5 hours from his place to our town to pick it up without seeing my little one who was heart broken that he actually came all this way and didnt take 10 minutes to say hi. I hate that he is such a disappointment and will continue to hurt my kids. I dont mind paying for everything for them, but him taking from them sucks the life out of me. Sorry so long, needed to vent. I wasted 15 years merely surviving and trying to save his sorry carcass and even 6 years post divorce he is still rippling me now through our children. My life is now so great with al-anon and away from him. I just wish he couldnt hurt my Littles! Bring on the ESH.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 23, 2017
I understand the conflict. I don't have esh because mine don't see their dad. Nice to see you on the boards :) I find this time of the year hard my friend. It's just one of those deals comes and goes .. I do a self check sometimes I need extra TLC due to hormones. Big hugs good to see you.
Breakingfree said
Dec 23, 2017
Hi SerenityRUS I was just reading your updates on the kids and catching up on everyone, I rarely sign in and post anymore but do come in as a guest when I need a quick sanity check. Im glad to see things coming together for you all. Christmas is always an emotional time for me and although Im healthier than I was before al-anon Im reminded I still need to check in and work the steps to keep myself on point. Detachment is a gift I choose for myself today.
hotrod said
Dec 23, 2017
Hello (((Breaking Free)) Glad to see you here and am sorry that you are saddened by your x again this year. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Iamhere said
Dec 24, 2017
Good to see you (((BreakingFree))) - sorry that the season brings what it does. I have come to accept that I no longer like the holidays - it's just a fact for me. I look to be 'of service' to my parents and just let it all go. It's stressful, and for some unknown reason, I tend to fall ill each year - just too much work!
I did not even know that I would see my kids/grandkids until last night. I now am hosting them today with my parents. They have opted to do their own thing for the last 5-6 years, and I've just accepted it. Last night, after all went to bed, I began to fret that I had no gifts, no tree, no decorations, etc. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-humbugggggggggggggggggggggggggggg became my slogan to sleep.
What I realize today is that this disease negatively affects most aspects of life. If I can just stay present, feed everyone and roll with it, all will be OK. I resigned from the 'superwoman' roll when I began Al-Anon and it was fear last night that made my brain wonder. I am powerless over people, places and things yet I can be here/now and it will be just fine.
My best suggestion is lean into your HP and program. I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
Breakingfree said
Dec 25, 2017
I worked all day at the nursing home and had a good day for the most part. I handed out little Christmas gifts and tried to bring smiles to everyones faces st Work. I used to love Christmas so much. Now its just another day. I do look forward to celebrating Christmas this Friday when my children return home. I loved reading Practice the Pause above and needed that. Sending you all love, health and serenity!
I will start by saying since leaving my exAH I have done the work and am no longer enabling addicts. I am happy and life is good. Every Christmas I cycle and just find myself sobbing at some point thinking about all the miserable years of my childhood and 15 years with my exAH. I come back out of it and feel okay, but I wish I didnt have to fall apart every year after my kids head to their dads. This year I was set off over his selfishness today. My kids went to their dads today for Christmas, he is an active alcoholic and my exAH. It happens every year and every year I hate it. Im a nurse so I pick up most holidays and choose to celebrate Christmas late with my kids and our blended family of 6 and we let the other parents have the real holidays. I hate how I feel knowing how dysfunctional he is and that my oldest 19 year old daughter will have to clean up after him while at his house this week and my youngest thinks he is so amazing, because she is 9 and doesnt get it. He had my 19 year old adopt a cat for her younger sister from him for Christmas and didnt even offer her any money to pay for it. He came 3.5 hours from his place to our town to pick it up without seeing my little one who was heart broken that he actually came all this way and didnt take 10 minutes to say hi. I hate that he is such a disappointment and will continue to hurt my kids. I dont mind paying for everything for them, but him taking from them sucks the life out of me. Sorry so long, needed to vent. I wasted 15 years merely surviving and trying to save his sorry carcass and even 6 years post divorce he is still rippling me now through our children. My life is now so great with al-anon and away from him. I just wish he couldnt hurt my Littles! Bring on the ESH.
I did not even know that I would see my kids/grandkids until last night. I now am hosting them today with my parents. They have opted to do their own thing for the last 5-6 years, and I've just accepted it. Last night, after all went to bed, I began to fret that I had no gifts, no tree, no decorations, etc. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-humbugggggggggggggggggggggggggggg became my slogan to sleep.
What I realize today is that this disease negatively affects most aspects of life. If I can just stay present, feed everyone and roll with it, all will be OK. I resigned from the 'superwoman' roll when I began Al-Anon and it was fear last night that made my brain wonder. I am powerless over people, places and things yet I can be here/now and it will be just fine.
My best suggestion is lean into your HP and program. I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!