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The ODAT reading for December 23 focuses on the need for "" perfectionism".. The reading points out that clinging to our unrealistic ideas of what life. should be prevents us from grasping the important concepts of acceptance and detachment..
The reading suggests that In our compulsive drive for perfection, we demand too much of ourselves and of our partner, we have then embraced unrealistic idealism which can be an neurotic symptom so difficult to deal with almost as challenging as the active disease alcoholism.
It suggests that the effect of perfectionism tends to make big problems out of little ones increases our despair when things don't work out and prevents us from coming to terms with life as it is.
Today's reminder suggests that we yield a little here and there, and accept what we are impelled to challenge and resist. We will then achieve a balanced detachment which is like abandonment or disinterest, but it's a decision to not let ourselves be touched deeply by happenings that are unimportant.
"The quote states ; "to adapt ourselves with a quiet mind to what is possible and attainable therein lies happiness."
I do believe I was a perfectionist.when it came to my attitudes When . I started to work the steps. I discovered that I erroneously believed if , I made the right choices played by all the rules I could avoid all the pain and suffering in the world. How disappointed I was when I had challenges such as alcoholism and the death of a husband to deal with. Thanks to Al-Anon I learned to accept life on life's terms, to understand that painful experiences each as I experienced provided powerful life lessons and that life was meant for me to grow spiritually. I am so grateful for the tools of Al-Anon provided so that I can have the courage, serenity and wisdom to face life.
Iamhere said
Dec 23, 2017
Thanks Betty for the daily, your service and ESH. I too was a perfectionist and truly thought that was 'the norm' or the 'right way'. Imagine my disappointment when others were focused on just getting by or surviving while I was working on perfect - disconnect is an understatement.
Al-Anon gave me the gift of freedom. I am free to stop blaming others, judging others, expecting from others and/or assuming anything about others. I am no longer expected to have the answers for others and I certainly today can be loving and caring without condemning. It's a gift to be able to separate the disease from the person and trust in a HP to lead us all to our next right step. Life on life's terms is much easier when I get out of my HP's way.
Happy Saturday to one and all - still battling the flu and my parents have arrived safely. One day down and no major drama yet - success!! Make it a great day!
Enigmatic said
Dec 23, 2017
Great page, thank you for your service Betty and both for your meaningful shares...
Before I found AlAnon, I thought I had it right and everyone else, especially my qualifier, had it wrong, and no one tried as hard as I did to get it "right". This unattainable goal and attitude was successful in this way: Leaving me eternally irritable and unpleasant to others.
Keeping the focus on what I can do to improve rather than what I can pick out for others to work on continues to be on my daily list of "to work on"s, but one in which ALAnon helps me see gradual improvement...so grateful for the program
Congrats IAH, hang in there!
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 23, 2017
This ODAT was made for me! LOL!
From the youngest of ages, I can remember trying to be a perfectionist. As an adult, I can say that it many things I have made that my goal to much successes. But... and this is a HUGE but... This type of thinking/behavior has been so detrimental to my well-being and sanity when dealing with this disease, and I think it is one of the greatest reasons I never really had happiness in my marriage. I faked being happy. I tried to convince myself b/c if I did not, then my expectations of what a "perfect" marriage was would be shattered... and what was I going to do with that?
I am currently working on finding out the 'why's' of what brought this behavior on so early in my life. With Al-Anon, I am finding it easier and easier to understand that no matter what I am dealing with, it will be what it will be. I still try and do my best, for sure - but I no longer judge others, nor try to manipulate situations so that I can control their outcomes. I am not always perfect about this... but that's the point, right? LOL!
Thank you, Betty for your service and this oh so timely topic! I appreciated everyone's shares... and I see that we are not really all that different. Hmmmm....
Aline said
Dec 23, 2017
Thanks for your service, Betty, and all the shares above. I'm not a stranger to perfectionism as well... For me, I think the urge stems from fear, mostly... Fear of not living up to my own expectations and fear of not being accepted, liked, loved, etc. by others.
mamalioness said
Dec 24, 2017
((((((((((Betty)))))))) WOW!! needed this read....with me its the unrealistic idealism....things have to "go my way" or I fight it..resist it...feel like some capricious diety is "picking on me" when my intellect KNOWS that is not true..."feeling cursed" "bad karma" it must be...oh yea, the "Idealistic" that life has to be pleasant all the time....no challenges, or I fight and resist....I'm better at stepping back....I changed the slogan let go - let G-d to "quit trying to control the uncontrollables" step back...breath...walk away and try another day....the karma gets much lighter..energy lighter and easier....answers come when I am not resisting and fighting and protecting.....
I have found myself, with the exception of my Friday job, sorta on "put upon me-vacation" as my other 2 clients are on vaca---soooo instead of cursing my "bad karma" I just figured "ok..I can't do anything about this---I am OK re: my bills, things will get back on mid January so HAVE SOME FUN---make the best of this" yea, no income except SS and my Friday job, but it will be OK...its normal to be "concerned" but to fight it..resist it!! What does that get me?? work?? No!! so why fight it??? just be careful about expenses...do stuff that doesn't cost me....I will be OK...I just decided, whether I believe it or not, to just "have faith in me" and my good energy will come back to me..........but OH yea, I had to talk to a few folks b4 I could arrive at accepting this w/out having a panic session........No!! I don't like missing out on that income as home/auto insurance is coming up Jan 12th, but it is what it is and I'll just have to be careful, watch my spending till I pay that CCard off....This is my first week on vaca , thank goodness my Friday job needs me each week...but this is my first week and it will be this way till mid to 3rd week of Jan..then I'll be busy..............thank you, my friend for your awesome service....
Al-Anon gave me the gift of freedom. I am free to stop blaming others, judging others, expecting from others and/or assuming anything about others. I am no longer expected to have the answers for others and I certainly today can be loving and caring without condemning. It's a gift to be able to separate the disease from the person and trust in a HP to lead us all to our next right step. Life on life's terms is much easier when I get out of my HP's way.
Happy Saturday to one and all - still battling the flu and my parents have arrived safely. One day down and no major drama yet - success!! Make it a great day!
Before I found AlAnon, I thought I had it right and everyone else, especially my qualifier, had it wrong, and no one tried as hard as I did to get it "right". This unattainable goal and attitude was successful in this way: Leaving me eternally irritable and unpleasant to others.
Keeping the focus on what I can do to improve rather than what I can pick out for others to work on continues to be on my daily list of "to work on"s, but one in which ALAnon helps me see gradual improvement...so grateful for the program
Congrats IAH, hang in there!
From the youngest of ages, I can remember trying to be a perfectionist. As an adult, I can say that it many things I have made that my goal to much successes. But... and this is a HUGE but... This type of thinking/behavior has been so detrimental to my well-being and sanity when dealing with this disease, and I think it is one of the greatest reasons I never really had happiness in my marriage. I faked being happy. I tried to convince myself b/c if I did not, then my expectations of what a "perfect" marriage was would be shattered... and what was I going to do with that?
I am currently working on finding out the 'why's' of what brought this behavior on so early in my life. With Al-Anon, I am finding it easier and easier to understand that no matter what I am dealing with, it will be what it will be. I still try and do my best, for sure - but I no longer judge others, nor try to manipulate situations so that I can control their outcomes. I am not always perfect about this... but that's the point, right? LOL!
Thank you, Betty for your service and this oh so timely topic! I appreciated everyone's shares... and I see that we are not really all that different. Hmmmm....
((((((((((Betty)))))))) WOW!! needed this read....with me its the unrealistic idealism....things have to "go my way" or I fight it..resist it...feel like some capricious diety is "picking on me" when my intellect KNOWS that is not true..."feeling cursed" "bad karma" it must be...oh yea, the "Idealistic" that life has to be pleasant all the time....no challenges, or I fight and resist....I'm better at stepping back....I changed the slogan let go - let G-d to "quit trying to control the uncontrollables" step back...breath...walk away and try another day....the karma gets much lighter..energy lighter and easier....answers come when I am not resisting and fighting and protecting.....
I have found myself, with the exception of my Friday job, sorta on "put upon me-vacation" as my other 2 clients are on vaca---soooo instead of cursing my "bad karma" I just figured "ok..I can't do anything about this---I am OK re: my bills, things will get back on mid January so HAVE SOME FUN---make the best of this" yea, no income except SS and my Friday job, but it will be OK...its normal to be "concerned" but to fight it..resist it!! What does that get me?? work?? No!! so why fight it??? just be careful about expenses...do stuff that doesn't cost me....I will be OK...I just decided, whether I believe it or not, to just "have faith in me" and my good energy will come back to me..........but OH yea, I had to talk to a few folks b4 I could arrive at accepting this w/out having a panic session........No!! I don't like missing out on that income as home/auto insurance is coming up Jan 12th, but it is what it is and I'll just have to be careful, watch my spending till I pay that CCard off....This is my first week on vaca , thank goodness my Friday job needs me each week...but this is my first week and it will be this way till mid to 3rd week of Jan..then I'll be busy..............thank you, my friend for your awesome service....