This disease is cunning and baffling & "too much for most of us without such spiritual help". I am ever grateful to the long time members who have shared many tools (spiritual help) with me that they find handy during family gatherings where there has been a history of stressful or difficult situations. Here are a bunch:
1. Have a beginning and an end in your mind if possible (I am showing up at 2pm and will be gone at 4) With HP's help I can make it through 2 hrs--something that may be impossible if I ever felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime. Or if there are multiple hours and I cannot have my own transportation (but try to if possible) then I take as many walks or little breaks as I can as in #3.
2. These are often good responses that can get us out of a difficult discussion without adding to conflict.'U have a point' (cuz actually everyone has a point good or bad) or 'U could be right about that' or 'Hmm I will give that some thought' or 'not sure how I feel about that' or '....what to say to that'
3. Go to the bathroom and pray a lot, bringing some literature - good quotes in the phone or pocket. Text a friend to let something go--"I am letting go of my desire to control or.......& your inbox is my temporary "God box."
4. Being the quiet one is not a crime. If it is too much for me to engage a lot with ppl beyond the basic hello's. I can just smile & they don't need to know that inside I am calmly repeating the serenity prayer over and over.
5. If there are children try spending more time with them than the adults if that feels more nourishing than potentially negative adult topics, drama or gossip. I can forget I don't have to go to every drama I am invited to.
6. Mentally put the band-aid on the A's forehead and maybe say some form of prayer "help me to see this individual & myself as a child of God who have a disease. Save me from any anger. " Bless them change me" "Not mine but Thy will be done" or whatever works for you.
7. The disease is not personal. Taking offense is an action on my part--no one can make me upset unless I hand over my power to them --using the tools help me keep my power and it is ok not to do it perfectly. Amends and erasers are made for human beings just like me. Another great thing i have heard in the past is to look at my family system like I am watching a play and realize I don't have to get up on the stage, that I can operate with in Gray areas vs. "all or nothing", that it's not wise to take on a system as in trying to address certain things that just are the way they are from yrs of driving in the same old wheel ruts ---not wise to take it on rather than accept it. Or if I REALLY must take it on maybe don't do it on a holiday LOL.
8. One friend really Stills herself and tries to listen to what higher power/God would want her to do and believes that she can do the hard things for God and trust that she'll get His energy and resources to carry it out. For example--she might have challenges being around her mom, but is still led to drive her to a family gathering---if she prays she can usually get the detachment she needs so she can look at it like "ok, I am driving this "elderly woman" to this event for God--and take the Mom/idea word out of it.
9. One friend talks abt doing "practice rounds" & therefore not feeling like she has to do New Al-anon Behavior perfectly --it's like learning a new song on the piano. It's just going to be bumpy at first.
10. I have another good friend who decided when she was left out or chose to be out of a family event she made a special plan for herself to do a movie or try something totally new to take her mind off of missing the holiday or family event. A missed family event she could have felt really depressed about turned instead into the day she is going to go deep see fishing for the first time.
This GEM also appears in our literature (the 3 views of Al-anon pamphlet available from al-anon.org -literature section)
Open Letter from the Alcoholic
I am an alcoholic. I need your help.
Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.
Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.
Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.
Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.
Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
------------That LETTER is Such a key literature piece that has taught me so much perspective and offers compassion & clear guidance.
There is no one size fits all, but I so appreciate all the things I have learned from those Al-anon friends who have walked this path longer than I have and I wanted to honor them by passing on ideas & things that have helped me heal through various events...take what works and leave the rest. Have a lovely-healthy holiday/week/month. LUV 123
el-cee said
Dec 22, 2017
Thank you. This is like an alanon first aid kit. So valuable x
hotrod said
Dec 22, 2017
Thanks Luv very helpful ideas
jtpickle said
Dec 23, 2017
Thank you! A great reminder for me as the holiday weekend begins.....
Iamhere said
Dec 23, 2017
Love, love, love this all in one place! Thanks for your service and the helpful tools!
andromeda said
Dec 23, 2017
Wonderful! And, i'm going to add that a lot of those behaviors are things that you can use in many situations, not just with alcoholics. Holiday work parties, extended family gatherings, etc are always a great place for us to practice our program, even if the alcoholic in our lives doesn't attend. Thank you for sharing!
luv123 said
Dec 23, 2017
Excellent point---difficult situations can come up anywhere or inside our heads for that matter---so empowering to know we are not alone and have so many choices in most cases. Thanks!
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 23, 2017
What a great share, luv!!!
Thank you. My son and I are spending Christmas Eve with my husband's family (he's in rehab), and I don't think they know I have filed for divorce. My family wants me to just disown my STBX's family, but I am not yet sure that is the appropriate action... I have known them for over 29 years, and they have been like a second family to me.
I know that this will feel awkward, and your tools above are going to help me immensely... especially the 'Have a time frame in mind."
Sending you love & support!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Saturday 23rd of December 2017 02:32:45 PM
SoggySlippers said
Dec 24, 2017
I SO needed to read this thread today.
Let the festivities begin!
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference
Phew....I sure hope I have the wisdom to know the difference through this holiday.
Freetime said
Dec 24, 2017
Luv, thank you so much for taking the time to post these helpful tips. I especially relate to the one about focusing on any children present, and also the idea to use a friend's text or email inbox as a temporary God box. Wouldn't it be great for two A-Anon friends to do this for each other?
A peaceful and joyous holiday to all, however you choose to celebrate it!
SoggySlippers said
Dec 25, 2017
Yeah,Luv,thanks for taking the time to post these tips.They were extremely helpful yesterday,omg,they actually worked!
This disease is cunning and baffling & "too much for most of us without such spiritual help". I am ever grateful to the long time members who have shared many tools (spiritual help) with me that they find handy during family gatherings where there has been a history of stressful or difficult situations. Here are a bunch:
1. Have a beginning and an end in your mind if possible (I am showing up at 2pm and will be gone at 4) With HP's help I can make it through 2 hrs--something that may be impossible if I ever felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime. Or if there are multiple hours and I cannot have my own transportation (but try to if possible) then I take as many walks or little breaks as I can as in #3.
2. These are often good responses that can get us out of a difficult discussion without adding to conflict.'U have a point' (cuz actually everyone has a point good or bad) or 'U could be right about that' or 'Hmm I will give that some thought' or 'not sure how I feel about that' or '....what to say to that'
3. Go to the bathroom and pray a lot, bringing some literature - good quotes in the phone or pocket. Text a friend to let something go--"I am letting go of my desire to control or.......& your inbox is my temporary "God box."
4. Being the quiet one is not a crime. If it is too much for me to engage a lot with ppl beyond the basic hello's. I can just smile & they don't need to know that inside I am calmly repeating the serenity prayer over and over.
5. If there are children try spending more time with them than the adults if that feels more nourishing than potentially negative adult topics, drama or gossip. I can forget I don't have to go to every drama I am invited to.
6. Mentally put the band-aid on the A's forehead and maybe say some form of prayer "help me to see this individual & myself as a child of God who have a disease. Save me from any anger. " Bless them change me" "Not mine but Thy will be done" or whatever works for you.
7. The disease is not personal. Taking offense is an action on my part--no one can make me upset unless I hand over my power to them --using the tools help me keep my power and it is ok not to do it perfectly. Amends and erasers are made for human beings just like me. Another great thing i have heard in the past is to look at my family system like I am watching a play and realize I don't have to get up on the stage, that I can operate with in Gray areas vs. "all or nothing", that it's not wise to take on a system as in trying to address certain things that just are the way they are from yrs of driving in the same old wheel ruts ---not wise to take it on rather than accept it. Or if I REALLY must take it on maybe don't do it on a holiday LOL.
8. One friend really Stills herself and tries to listen to what higher power/God would want her to do and believes that she can do the hard things for God and trust that she'll get His energy and resources to carry it out. For example--she might have challenges being around her mom, but is still led to drive her to a family gathering---if she prays she can usually get the detachment she needs so she can look at it like "ok, I am driving this "elderly woman" to this event for God--and take the Mom/idea word out of it.
9. One friend talks abt doing "practice rounds" & therefore not feeling like she has to do New Al-anon Behavior perfectly --it's like learning a new song on the piano. It's just going to be bumpy at first.
10. I have another good friend who decided when she was left out or chose to be out of a family event she made a special plan for herself to do a movie or try something totally new to take her mind off of missing the holiday or family event. A missed family event she could have felt really depressed about turned instead into the day she is going to go deep see fishing for the first time.
This GEM also appears in our literature (the 3 views of Al-anon pamphlet available from al-anon.org -literature section)
I am an alcoholic. I need your help.
Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.
Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.
Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.
Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.
Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
Thank you! A great reminder for me as the holiday weekend begins.....
Excellent point---difficult situations can come up anywhere or inside our heads for that matter---so empowering to know we are not alone and have so many choices in most cases. Thanks!
What a great share, luv!!!
Thank you. My son and I are spending Christmas Eve with my husband's family (he's in rehab), and I don't think they know I have filed for divorce. My family wants me to just disown my STBX's family, but I am not yet sure that is the appropriate action... I have known them for over 29 years, and they have been like a second family to me.
I know that this will feel awkward, and your tools above are going to help me immensely... especially the 'Have a time frame in mind."
Sending you love & support!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Saturday 23rd of December 2017 02:32:45 PM
Let the festivities begin!
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference
Phew....I sure hope I have the wisdom to know the difference through this holiday.
A peaceful and joyous holiday to all, however you choose to celebrate it!
And they will be helpful today too!