Hi all, so I am living with my 24 year old alcoholic birthdaughter and found drug parepheniia in her room, including a scale. She had open pill casings and was clearly snorting something else too. I looked in her pill bottle (my Mom says she's a walking pharmacy) and found hard drugs. Huge trigger for me since my husband and I separated over his addiction about 6 months ago. He almost died from OD several times, and my birthdaughter and Alanon were there for me.
I knew about, and allowed pot in her room which she smokes off-property, (to the best of my knowledge). She has ADHD and was snorting her prescription meds that most doctors won't prescribe to her. She told me she was alcoholic before moving in, and had been controlling her drinking quite well, until a couple weeks ago she was drinking daily. Now it's better again. But lately she has been smelling strange smells in her room that I could't smell and has been more insomnic than usual. She is always very negative and tired.
I won't tolerate drug use or illegal drugs in my home, so I have to tell her to remove it, including her prescriptions if she will continue abusing them. I also want to tell her to get rid of the pot because it reeks, and she is careless with leaving it out in the open in her room. I need to do what's best for my daughters and my sanity. (apparently she shares a room with my stepdaughter?!). At the same time I don't want to make her angry or jeapordize her possible future recovery. She has expressed an interest in attending AA meetings with me several times. I am in recovery 10 years and we also live with my 3 year old daughter, and have my 12 year old stepdaughter every other weekend.
Any ESH would be welcomed. I know I should get to more Alanon (& AA!) meetings but it's difficult with my 3 year old and without a car it's over 3 hours bus ride in total. I have some literature I read and read from an Alanon App almost daily. I am a people pleaser and struggle with making healthy boundaries. Because she was adopted, I Really Don't want to hurt her because I am finally getting to know her.
Thanks for reading and spending your time to answer.
tiredtonite said
Dec 16, 2017
Hi misterpiko,
Welcome to MIP. Hope you find something of use here for answers to your living situation. Thank you for sharing. It sounds complicated, particularly with minor children in the house. My only suggestion - We do have meetings at this site mornings and evenings. Hope you will keep joining us for recovery. The program can be a help for gaining sanity and serenity.
In support
TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 16th of December 2017 10:25:15 AM
Maresie said
Dec 16, 2017
Setting limits around an alcoholic is full of.double.binds. The more tools you have The better.
The tools take.a.while ti.practice. Be patient
Iamhere said
Dec 16, 2017
I have two grown children who are also As. Until I set up boundaries, enforced those boundaries and put me first, the cycle of use, cut-back, etc. continued. I am also a double winner (AA & Al-Anon) and can share that I would not have ever selected recovery had I not had dire consequences that forced me into it - a nudge from a (couple) judge(s).
We forget, especially when it's our children that we deserve a quiet, peaceful, joyful life. I assumed the responsibility for my sons' disease, joy, success, failure, etc. and had to work Al-Anon to understand that's not my job. I had to put both of mine out for them to find their way. I have had to drop my youngest off at the homeless shelter more than once as he was so deep in, no human power could have done anything more for him.
Your (other) children deserve a safe home and any home where there are illegal drugs is not a good scene. If the law follows her home, because you are the owner, you will be responsible and the court process is long and expensive. Nothing you do or say will affect her recovery or not - now or later. This disease is way larger than life.
I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers - I also believe if you read back through your post, you will find the answers you seek. Keep coming back - it does work when we work it.
misterpiko said
Dec 16, 2017
Thank you all for your responses. My first instinct was to pick her out because she doesn
misterpiko said
Dec 16, 2017
Thank you all for your responses. My first instinct was to kick her out, because she also won't do any housework and often isn't very nice to my daughter, thinking it will go over her head. Even if I ask repeatedly, she won't clean up after herself. I love her very much and will tell her I will not tolerate drugs of any kind in my home. If she doesn't listen or I find more later, I will have to tell her she will have to move out. My second thought was to have an intervention for her but I honestly think she won't buy into it anyway. I can't afford this place without her and can't have a stranger move in - only family - according to my landlord. But I have to do what's right for me and my family.
Jerry F said
Dec 17, 2017
Mr Piko that is right on and honest begging for as much courage to do what is right without ceasing. Our program, the steps, traditions and fellowship and literature makes daily 24/7 use of a Power Greater than ourselves. Until I was able to do that to the extent it now requires I kept failing at recovery because I was trying to make things right without the help of a power greater than myself. It is not that way now at all. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Maresie said
Dec 17, 2017
I think it's hard to set boundaries with an alcoholic without the tools. If she di want clean up leave the stuff in her room. Don't intervene. Let her room be a mess.
We all have been there having financial dependencies on an alcoholic. Their disease plays into their rebellion.
If you have the tools detaching taking inventory (of you)
Practice not arguing don't justify Argue Defend explain.
Take one day at a time be patient
Go to meetings go to the chat room.
Stay calm
Maresie
misterpiko said
Dec 17, 2017
I don't really understand what you are saying on the first part of your response, Marise. Perhaps more Alanon work will help me?
I will definitely attend online meetings and found a F2F one that's not as far away from me.
Well I confronted her and gave her 24 hours to get the hard stuff out. She told me our landlord allowed her to smoke pot on the property, so I am checking on that and asked her to put it in a better container because it reeks. She was pissed that I went through her stuff. I got mad and voiced it. I could have done better, but I am adamant about no illegal drugs. So it sucks but I will be ok and learn to lean on HP once again more often, and use the tools of the programs, too.
Maresie said
Dec 17, 2017
Alcoholics are pretty manipulative. They tend to squirm outta boundaries. It is like doing PhD level boundaries anti them.
So would you expect to get that kind of knowledge in.a day.
Treatment providers find it hard to deal with them.
Some of us in al an9n.downplay the difficulties we are in because we deal with it everyday.
When I.was around the ex a it was a crisis a day. There was no time to recuperate
The other th8ng to look at is expectations. Do you expect her to change overnight
Boundaries work with.cobsequenxes. There are other consequences besides kicking someone out.
What's more the way the alcohol8 and the drug addict works is they rebel against.veing told what to do.
At.the same time it's your house. You deserve peace happiness and tranquility. I have to work on that every day. There are nevertheless people I have to deal with who are really difficult.
Good luck. Remember we are on your side
Maresie
misterpiko said
Dec 17, 2017
Thank you for your reply. Yes I am familiar with the many "isms" of the alcoholic. Now that I have given her 24 hours to get he drugs out, she has instead left the rock in powdered form in a baggie out on her nightstand. She also told me my landlord said she could smoke pot on the property. He has changed his mind since, so that's good!
I didn't set a consequence as I have no idea what it should be. I don't want to "tell on her" to the landlord....
Anyway it's helpful to share about this. I attended an online Alanon meeting today which was helpful too.
Hi misterpiko,
Welcome to MIP. Hope you find something of use here for answers to your living situation. Thank you for sharing. It sounds complicated, particularly with minor children in the house. My only suggestion - We do have meetings at this site mornings and evenings. Hope you will keep joining us for recovery. The program can be a help for gaining sanity and serenity.
In support
TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 16th of December 2017 10:25:15 AM
Setting limits around an alcoholic is full of.double.binds. The more tools you have The better.
The tools take.a.while ti.practice. Be patient
We forget, especially when it's our children that we deserve a quiet, peaceful, joyful life. I assumed the responsibility for my sons' disease, joy, success, failure, etc. and had to work Al-Anon to understand that's not my job. I had to put both of mine out for them to find their way. I have had to drop my youngest off at the homeless shelter more than once as he was so deep in, no human power could have done anything more for him.
Your (other) children deserve a safe home and any home where there are illegal drugs is not a good scene. If the law follows her home, because you are the owner, you will be responsible and the court process is long and expensive. Nothing you do or say will affect her recovery or not - now or later. This disease is way larger than life.
I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers - I also believe if you read back through your post, you will find the answers you seek. Keep coming back - it does work when we work it.
Mr Piko that is right on and honest begging for as much courage to do what is right without ceasing. Our program, the steps, traditions and fellowship and literature makes daily 24/7 use of a Power Greater than ourselves. Until I was able to do that to the extent it now requires I kept failing at recovery because I was trying to make things right without the help of a power greater than myself. It is not that way now at all. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I think it's hard to set boundaries with an alcoholic without the tools. If she di want clean up leave the stuff in her room. Don't intervene. Let her room be a mess.
We all have been there having financial dependencies on an alcoholic. Their disease plays into their rebellion.
If you have the tools detaching taking inventory (of you)
Practice not arguing don't justify Argue Defend explain.
Take one day at a time be patient
Go to meetings go to the chat room.
Stay calm
Maresie
Alcoholics are pretty manipulative. They tend to squirm outta boundaries. It is like doing PhD level boundaries anti them.
So would you expect to get that kind of knowledge in.a day.
Treatment providers find it hard to deal with them.
Some of us in al an9n.downplay the difficulties we are in because we deal with it everyday.
When I.was around the ex a it was a crisis a day. There was no time to recuperate
The other th8ng to look at is expectations. Do you expect her to change overnight
Boundaries work with.cobsequenxes. There are other consequences besides kicking someone out.
What's more the way the alcohol8 and the drug addict works is they rebel against.veing told what to do.
At.the same time it's your house. You deserve peace happiness and tranquility. I have to work on that every day. There are nevertheless people I have to deal with who are really difficult.
Good luck. Remember we are on your side
Maresie