When is a relationship TOO high maintenance and therefore no longer worth it???
mamalioness said
Dec 15, 2017
I was talking with my daughter this past week and we had a very interesting chat...She is in AA, NA and also Al-anon, I am in Al-anon and ACA and both of us work our programs sincerely
I have 2 younger brothers: 1 is AA/NA qualifer (real bad--street person) and the other is AA (getting worse drunk, sleeps in his car)
We were discussing AB younger who is in CA (older one is in MA ) and my daughter was telling me that AB younger is wanting to "come to the house" and recover from his recent back surgery...apparently the streets aren't too comfy when you have sore back...She told me that its a "back and forth" marathon with him, first he wants to come stay and abide by the boundaries (no illegal drugs, alcohol on the premises) and he is complaining and calling her "mean and unfair" and he wants to clean out the gutters at her home and wants $10 per hour for it PLUS his room/board/food and my daughter says "I'll clean the gutters myself in 1/2 day for FREE"
Its always a high drama with him AND the on in MA who seems to latch onto me with all this drama and chaos that HE brings upon himself...its all about THEM..never the sister or the niece (my daughter) its always about THEM....WE dont' exist but to listen to their crap and detach detach detach detach from all the drama and chaos that is all self brought on and NEVER their fault...
AB younger is pestering my poor girl and she has FIRM boundaries, Good girl!! But ya know?? we were talking and NEITHER of her uncles want recovery, BOTH have said "NO WAY, JOSE" re: anything to do with recovery, BUT they want to be babied and coddled, you know: enabled to the max, etc. and its NEVER their fault..Always someone else's fault...AB younger STILL blames the cop for being in HIS way when he was driving drunk and t-boned his cruiser...Oh yea, and how many times has AB younger been too lazy when he DOES get to stay over at the house, and he is too lazy to go to the house to use the restroom, he just "takes care of business" out in the front lawn...
and AB older, forgetting to lock up his tools because he is too plastered to remember to take care of his stuff, tools get stolen and its his friend's fault or God's fault that he got ripped off....
I am just wondering for my OWN clarification WHEN is a relationship, be it marriage, family or friend just TOO High maintenance to be anything but a pain in the A$$??? and just plain not worth it...
IF I find myself having to "detach with love" and sometimes I can't , just can't do the "love" part because I am just burned out, but detach detach detach constantly....its like if I am always having to to the big "D" over and over and over, WHEN is enough enough???
I guess as I age, I have less "in my tank" for the BS and drama and chaos and all the other stuff the addicts bring with them...
I can feel compassion as I learn, reading here, but I can't get past the "when have I had enough and I gotta walk away"???
My BFF has a daughter...NON recovery alcoholic and she decided to "latch" onto me because her mom and I are BFF's forever and been that way for 30 plus years..Well "P" is about my daugher's age..(young 50's) BFF and I were young moms and we did our best raising up our kids, but anyway "P" gets "loaded" and PM's me to death on my facebook and all it is is a "slam mom" message...she wants my cell # but I won't give it to her because #1, she refuses to get into AA and #2, I don't want to hear my beloved BFF slammed by this girl whom my BFF has tried to help and encourage re: recovery..My BFF has been sober 30 plus years and I, now, this February will be emotionally sober for 14 years...We WORK at it!! we do the hard assed work to be where we are...and like my daughter and I were talking about, we just are "done" with all the drama, chaos, stress, unhappiness and possible financial costs having alcoholics around us...
I was telling her that I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life having to "detach" from a human who just won't help themselves...Life has ENOUGH stress that I cannot prevent..Life's "stuff" comes at me plentiful enough, I want my peace...I want my serenity and am willing to "keep my life simple" to do that
I have cut loose a lot of relationships or at least distanced myself from folks who just don't want to TRY to be in a better place...
AB younger is calling my girl a B**ch because she won't #1, let him bring drugs to the house when he visits...#2, NO DRINKING, no exceptions AND #3 to NOT use the restroom on her front lawn....Daughter is standing firm and i am so proud of her...NOBODY owes anyone their sanity, serenity, general mental well being, etc....
AB older is MIA again and I was talking with one of HIS BMF's and the BMF cut him loose..He called me up, upset that I would get mad at him for kicking older AB to the curb and I said "Nooooo I am never mad at a person for taking care of their peace of mind" his former BMF told me that AB older cheated him out of his share of a job they co-shared and the owner of the boat wrote the check out to AB older , trusting him to pay "S" his share...He took that money and blew it and then got drunk---end of relationship..."S" told me AB older was just too high maintenance for him and hes "gone"...I supported him on this...I told him he was very right to put an end to a relationship that is more hassle and loss then enjoyment
I have found that the older I get, the simpler I want my life to be and FIRST an foremost is my PEACE of mind...That place where you feel , for the most part, content, safe, "all is OK with my life" peaceful feeling....
I decided , yes, I will always love the AB's older and younger, but for all intents and purposes, I lost both of them to the drinking and drugging..They are not even the same people...Strangers in bodies I recognize but the thinking and behaviors?? I dont' know these guys...And "detachment" gets tiresome after a while...I want to be around folks whom I don't have to exercise "detachment" all the time with...what is wrong with noticing that a relationship is too high maintenance and I need to walk away?? Let go?? Walk my separate path,wishing them well, but not with me????
JUST thought I would share this very interesting chat I had with older daughter....Younger daughter is working a good program, too..I am proud of my girls...and I am feeling not so shabby about me and my program...This community has helped me soften where it is appropriate and not be so black and white about stuff, it has helped me grow so much, but on SOME stuff, black and white thinking DOES have its place...I told older daughter that if THAT is what he is "bringing to the table"??? He can keep it...Yea, he wants to "crash" at her place, do his drugs, MAYBE work some and get paid by the hour which he is terrible worker and zero respect for her boundaries....
FOOTNOTE:
My "email only" friend I met at grocery store, when I began ignoring his emails, he fell off the face of the earth..I never did get a call, LOL...Something was not right with that guy..Can't put my finger on it, but following my instincts..My inners never mis-lead me
Maresie said
Dec 16, 2017
My mother used to have various relatives stay at our house.
My parents were very poor. Having people to stay had to be a
financial liability. Those relatives and then the friends if those relatives stayed for long periods of time. I am talking years
After they left and went on with their careers they never came back and showed some appreciation. One of them had a very successful career. I doubt if he would have that without my parent's generosity. For some people being entitled us a huge issue. For those of us in al anon I would say it is the opposite. We do not feel entitled .
Sometimes we have to learn that. There are certain relatives of mine and former acquaintances who feel 8ncredibly entitled.
I have form boundaries around that. I watch people's entitlement issues all the time. I set s lot of relationship boundaries around them. The lighter the touch I can have around those boundaries the better I can maintain them.
I certainly know certain people disapporove of my boundaries. All they know is enmeshment. I do not have to be liked any more. I do not have to prove I.am worthy. I m far less generous to others because I was compulsively too generous.
Unless I live as a hermit I will always have to deal with people who would cross my boundaries. What I find is with people who are entitled if they don't get what they want they pretty quickly move on to other prey.
I no longer feel I might have missed out when they swim off to look for another #mark#
Maresie
WestMan said
Dec 16, 2017
Hi Mamalioness. Wow, you are doing great to keep boundaries and support your daughter this way. The thought that pops in my head is how there is an entire region of CA that I almost never visit because the disease is so prevalent in my family there. It's fine to talk by phone but if someone started calling me names or accusing me of this or that I have little problem ending the contact and leaving it closed for good if needed. I'm engaged in the relationship because we both get something out of it. I am not a punching bag or dumping ground.
hotrod said
Dec 16, 2017
Hi Rose I think drawing a healthy boundary with family is extremely important to our mental health. You have the tools so keep taking care of yourself while showing courtesy and respect to others
I was talking with my daughter this past week and we had a very interesting chat...She is in AA, NA and also Al-anon, I am in Al-anon and ACA and both of us work our programs sincerely
I have 2 younger brothers: 1 is AA/NA qualifer (real bad--street person) and the other is AA (getting worse drunk, sleeps in his car)
We were discussing AB younger who is in CA (older one is in MA ) and my daughter was telling me that AB younger is wanting to "come to the house" and recover from his recent back surgery...apparently the streets aren't too comfy when you have sore back...She told me that its a "back and forth" marathon with him, first he wants to come stay and abide by the boundaries (no illegal drugs, alcohol on the premises) and he is complaining and calling her "mean and unfair" and he wants to clean out the gutters at her home and wants $10 per hour for it PLUS his room/board/food and my daughter says "I'll clean the gutters myself in 1/2 day for FREE"
Its always a high drama with him AND the on in MA who seems to latch onto me with all this drama and chaos that HE brings upon himself...its all about THEM..never the sister or the niece (my daughter) its always about THEM....WE dont' exist but to listen to their crap and detach detach detach detach from all the drama and chaos that is all self brought on and NEVER their fault...
AB younger is pestering my poor girl and she has FIRM boundaries, Good girl!! But ya know?? we were talking and NEITHER of her uncles want recovery, BOTH have said "NO WAY, JOSE" re: anything to do with recovery, BUT they want to be babied and coddled, you know: enabled to the max, etc. and its NEVER their fault..Always someone else's fault...AB younger STILL blames the cop for being in HIS way when he was driving drunk and t-boned his cruiser...Oh yea, and how many times has AB younger been too lazy when he DOES get to stay over at the house, and he is too lazy to go to the house to use the restroom, he just "takes care of business" out in the front lawn...
and AB older, forgetting to lock up his tools because he is too plastered to remember to take care of his stuff, tools get stolen and its his friend's fault or God's fault that he got ripped off....
I am just wondering for my OWN clarification WHEN is a relationship, be it marriage, family or friend just TOO High maintenance to be anything but a pain in the A$$??? and just plain not worth it...
IF I find myself having to "detach with love" and sometimes I can't , just can't do the "love" part because I am just burned out, but detach detach detach constantly....its like if I am always having to to the big "D" over and over and over, WHEN is enough enough???
I guess as I age, I have less "in my tank" for the BS and drama and chaos and all the other stuff the addicts bring with them...
I can feel compassion as I learn, reading here, but I can't get past the "when have I had enough and I gotta walk away"???
My BFF has a daughter...NON recovery alcoholic and she decided to "latch" onto me because her mom and I are BFF's forever and been that way for 30 plus years..Well "P" is about my daugher's age..(young 50's) BFF and I were young moms and we did our best raising up our kids, but anyway "P" gets "loaded" and PM's me to death on my facebook and all it is is a "slam mom" message...she wants my cell # but I won't give it to her because #1, she refuses to get into AA and #2, I don't want to hear my beloved BFF slammed by this girl whom my BFF has tried to help and encourage re: recovery..My BFF has been sober 30 plus years and I, now, this February will be emotionally sober for 14 years...We WORK at it!! we do the hard assed work to be where we are...and like my daughter and I were talking about, we just are "done" with all the drama, chaos, stress, unhappiness and possible financial costs having alcoholics around us...
I was telling her that I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life having to "detach" from a human who just won't help themselves...Life has ENOUGH stress that I cannot prevent..Life's "stuff" comes at me plentiful enough, I want my peace...I want my serenity and am willing to "keep my life simple" to do that
I have cut loose a lot of relationships or at least distanced myself from folks who just don't want to TRY to be in a better place...
AB younger is calling my girl a B**ch because she won't #1, let him bring drugs to the house when he visits...#2, NO DRINKING, no exceptions AND #3 to NOT use the restroom on her front lawn....Daughter is standing firm and i am so proud of her...NOBODY owes anyone their sanity, serenity, general mental well being, etc....
AB older is MIA again and I was talking with one of HIS BMF's and the BMF cut him loose..He called me up, upset that I would get mad at him for kicking older AB to the curb and I said "Nooooo I am never mad at a person for taking care of their peace of mind" his former BMF told me that AB older cheated him out of his share of a job they co-shared and the owner of the boat wrote the check out to AB older , trusting him to pay "S" his share...He took that money and blew it and then got drunk---end of relationship..."S" told me AB older was just too high maintenance for him and hes "gone"...I supported him on this...I told him he was very right to put an end to a relationship that is more hassle and loss then enjoyment
I have found that the older I get, the simpler I want my life to be and FIRST an foremost is my PEACE of mind...That place where you feel , for the most part, content, safe, "all is OK with my life" peaceful feeling....
I decided , yes, I will always love the AB's older and younger, but for all intents and purposes, I lost both of them to the drinking and drugging..They are not even the same people...Strangers in bodies I recognize but the thinking and behaviors?? I dont' know these guys...And "detachment" gets tiresome after a while...I want to be around folks whom I don't have to exercise "detachment" all the time with...what is wrong with noticing that a relationship is too high maintenance and I need to walk away?? Let go?? Walk my separate path,wishing them well, but not with me????
JUST thought I would share this very interesting chat I had with older daughter....Younger daughter is working a good program, too..I am proud of my girls...and I am feeling not so shabby about me and my program...This community has helped me soften where it is appropriate and not be so black and white about stuff, it has helped me grow so much, but on SOME stuff, black and white thinking DOES have its place...I told older daughter that if THAT is what he is "bringing to the table"??? He can keep it...Yea, he wants to "crash" at her place, do his drugs, MAYBE work some and get paid by the hour which he is terrible worker and zero respect for her boundaries....
FOOTNOTE:
My "email only" friend I met at grocery store, when I began ignoring his emails, he fell off the face of the earth..I never did get a call, LOL...Something was not right with that guy..Can't put my finger on it, but following my instincts..My inners never mis-lead me
My mother used to have various relatives stay at our house.
My parents were very poor. Having people to stay had to be a
financial liability. Those relatives and then the friends if those relatives stayed for long periods of time. I am talking years
After they left and went on with their careers they never came back and showed some appreciation. One of them had a very successful career. I doubt if he would have that without my parent's generosity. For some people being entitled us a huge issue. For those of us in al anon I would say it is the opposite. We do not feel entitled .
Sometimes we have to learn that. There are certain relatives of mine and former acquaintances who feel 8ncredibly entitled.
I have form boundaries around that. I watch people's entitlement issues all the time. I set s lot of relationship boundaries around them. The lighter the touch I can have around those boundaries the better I can maintain them.
I certainly know certain people disapporove of my boundaries. All they know is enmeshment. I do not have to be liked any more. I do not have to prove I.am worthy. I m far less generous to others because I was compulsively too generous.
Unless I live as a hermit I will always have to deal with people who would cross my boundaries. What I find is with people who are entitled if they don't get what they want they pretty quickly move on to other prey.
I no longer feel I might have missed out when they swim off to look for another #mark#
Maresie
Hi Mamalioness. Wow, you are doing great to keep boundaries and support your daughter this way. The thought that pops in my head is how there is an entire region of CA that I almost never visit because the disease is so prevalent in my family there. It's fine to talk by phone but if someone started calling me names or accusing me of this or that I have little problem ending the contact and leaving it closed for good if needed. I'm engaged in the relationship because we both get something out of it. I am not a punching bag or dumping ground.