As you've read, I'm doing my best to detach from my AH. However, as boundaries are met and crossed, I feel the need to communicate expectations to my DH. I've found that I can only talk to him in the morning as that is when he is either sober or not too drunk. Often, in order to make sure I "mean what I say, say what I mean, and don't say it mean", I have to write a letter/email to him. I'm not looking for a response from him because it rarely comes however, I do feel responsible to let him know how I'm feeling or why I'm doing what i'm doing (i.e. you need to sleep in separate room because of your snoring & sleep apnea in addition to the emotional disconnect I feel due to years of verbal abuse because of drinking) Especially to set the boundaries & expectations....another example is he's planning to go to Las Vegas in Jan. with a friend. Ugh. What a nightmare....It will be a nice, quiet 4 days with the kids for me but I can even begin to think of what will happen in Vegas. Live and Let Live but if we're struggling in our marriage now as the disease takes over, I'm sure there will be poor choices made that could lead to infidelity. I don't believe he would do something like that but now that the disease has taken over, I'm assuming all bets are off..... But I'll never know and just always have that little nugget of fear in the back of my head, won't I?
Does anyone have experience with this? Any suggestions of what's worked? Or am I beating my head against the wall?
Thanks in advance......especially for letting me vent and bounce this off of you.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 15, 2017
Hugs JT,
You know I find communicating without the expectation that my needs are going to be met by someone else is a far less rackety place to go. I can say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean (still working on that part of the deal .. lol) and get my point across, however I better mean what I say and am I prepared to follow through with whatever boundary I have put in place.
An example I can give is not with my XAH however with my daughter who is first semester of college. She had taken to being as far as I was concerned extremely disrespectful of my time. She goes to school 30 - 45 min from home, I take my time and cost ( I would use PTO to shuttle her back and forth during the week for appointments), and she stopped showing up when I would get there, she would be expecting me. So this was not a parent drive by this was can you come deal. So I let her know I would be at her school at XYZ time if she was not there by ABC I would no longer be available. That did happen 2 - 3x this past semester where I showed up she didn't and I kept on going. The consequence was and is I no longer come at whim, she has to plan and she damn well better be where she tells me she's going to be. She was shocked is putting it mildly however it was a huge wake up for her that my time was not all about her. Part of that was all of sudden her having to grow up and part of that is me letting go. There are more examples I can give. I am not angry with her, this is not a punishment, it was a natural consequence of sorry I was there, you weren't and now this is not my problem, you now have to figure it out. While I do have the expectation she will be where she says she's going to be, I don't hang up on that expectation if that makes sense, .. I hang up on it's ABC time .. she's not there and my day continues regardless if she shows up or not. It has been the hardest level ever of parenting I have experienced, letting go.
The first time that happened she was shocked .. the second time it happened she seriously did some rethinking .. the 3rd time it happened she was informed I would be back for her next break in school and if she wanted to come home she would have to find a way to do so. I do believe she was stunned on many levels and realized how far out of the way I had gone and I did verbalize how I felt. I felt disrespected, unappreciated and that her behavior was not ok. She did hear me.
Now you are dealing with an active A .. so .. I don't know what to say as far as that goes .. I do believe that they get it on some level underneath it all. They are free to choose (poor decisions or not) what to do with the new behavior coming from the people around them. I have found this statement to be true. They will find recovery, they will continue to do what they are doing and ignore everything else, or they will continue to drink and find a new enabler. My expectation that they will see the light only comes from not liking the consequences they are dealing with and I may get a consequence I was not prepared for such as finding the new enabler. I find that my HP knows what is best for me and I can give it over to Him as the case may be to deal with and show me where I need to be, if the people of importance in my life are meant to catch up they will. I don't do well in relationships where I am tethered and that's what I have really come to discover about myself.
Big hugs, I think stating your wants, needs and boundaries is great .. as a codie I want to believe what I hear .. as an A at least in my case .. he only believed what I showed him so talk talk talk .. nothing changes .. nothing changes.
S :)
Jerry F said
Dec 15, 2017
(((JT))) When I got into Al-Anon all the old rules changed one of them being there were no more "have to"s I learned that most all of the have to were created from within my enabling character which I had to change. Another thing I was helped to learn and practice and still do now is to live in the day...not yesterday or tomorrow but today. "Just for Today" is the primary mindset of our recovery ...we have readers that a entitled with that and it ought to be a daily (today) practice. Living just for today creates a more compact frame of time to plan and live my life. Since I have fully agreed that I am powerless it is appropriate that I reduce the amount of time, people, places and things which I make enticements to misdirect my daily life. Keep it Simple is another mindset that works well with Just for Today . Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Dec 15, 2017
Hey JT - one of the greatest gifts actively working this program was the gift of being present. It's yet another tool I had to practice as I had an unhealthy habit of living in the past (negatively) or projecting into the future (also negatively). Anytime I called on my sponsor to share my worries, fears, etc. she gently reminded me that in the present moment, here and now, I am OK and I have a program with meetings and literature and others to help me stay present.
I had to set aside most of my own 'thoughts' as they were mostly negative and drama-making. I had to learn to deal with life on life's terms as it happened. January is a long ways off and lots can happen between then and now. The gift is this day only, just for today! I am practicing turning over things as I type - I've got an eye issue that is driving me crazy (again) and of course am concerned how it's going to affect my ability to 'be holiday ready'....
Breathe, breathe, breathe and keep it as simple as you can. There is hope and help in recovery - you got this!
jtpickle said
Dec 15, 2017
Thank you everyone. I do have a problem of projecting into the future. I'm also home alone today so it allows my mind to really take off. This is where I really have to practice the program to live in the present and focus on the Serenity prayer. I know I'm powerless over alcohol and the actions of others. I just don't want to move so far to the other side (as far as my own actions) that I ignore the AH. I feel like it's a fine line.
I will breathe, breathe, breathe. And now that it's the weekend and the kids are home, I won't have the opportunity to be in my head as much. ;)
As you've read, I'm doing my best to detach from my AH. However, as boundaries are met and crossed, I feel the need to communicate expectations to my DH. I've found that I can only talk to him in the morning as that is when he is either sober or not too drunk. Often, in order to make sure I "mean what I say, say what I mean, and don't say it mean", I have to write a letter/email to him. I'm not looking for a response from him because it rarely comes however, I do feel responsible to let him know how I'm feeling or why I'm doing what i'm doing (i.e. you need to sleep in separate room because of your snoring & sleep apnea in addition to the emotional disconnect I feel due to years of verbal abuse because of drinking) Especially to set the boundaries & expectations....another example is he's planning to go to Las Vegas in Jan. with a friend. Ugh. What a nightmare....It will be a nice, quiet 4 days with the kids for me but I can even begin to think of what will happen in Vegas. Live and Let Live but if we're struggling in our marriage now as the disease takes over, I'm sure there will be poor choices made that could lead to infidelity. I don't believe he would do something like that but now that the disease has taken over, I'm assuming all bets are off..... But I'll never know and just always have that little nugget of fear in the back of my head, won't I?
Does anyone have experience with this? Any suggestions of what's worked? Or am I beating my head against the wall?
Thanks in advance......especially for letting me vent and bounce this off of you.
You know I find communicating without the expectation that my needs are going to be met by someone else is a far less rackety place to go. I can say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean (still working on that part of the deal .. lol) and get my point across, however I better mean what I say and am I prepared to follow through with whatever boundary I have put in place.
An example I can give is not with my XAH however with my daughter who is first semester of college. She had taken to being as far as I was concerned extremely disrespectful of my time. She goes to school 30 - 45 min from home, I take my time and cost ( I would use PTO to shuttle her back and forth during the week for appointments), and she stopped showing up when I would get there, she would be expecting me. So this was not a parent drive by this was can you come deal. So I let her know I would be at her school at XYZ time if she was not there by ABC I would no longer be available. That did happen 2 - 3x this past semester where I showed up she didn't and I kept on going. The consequence was and is I no longer come at whim, she has to plan and she damn well better be where she tells me she's going to be. She was shocked is putting it mildly however it was a huge wake up for her that my time was not all about her. Part of that was all of sudden her having to grow up and part of that is me letting go. There are more examples I can give. I am not angry with her, this is not a punishment, it was a natural consequence of sorry I was there, you weren't and now this is not my problem, you now have to figure it out. While I do have the expectation she will be where she says she's going to be, I don't hang up on that expectation if that makes sense, .. I hang up on it's ABC time .. she's not there and my day continues regardless if she shows up or not. It has been the hardest level ever of parenting I have experienced, letting go.
The first time that happened she was shocked .. the second time it happened she seriously did some rethinking .. the 3rd time it happened she was informed I would be back for her next break in school and if she wanted to come home she would have to find a way to do so. I do believe she was stunned on many levels and realized how far out of the way I had gone and I did verbalize how I felt. I felt disrespected, unappreciated and that her behavior was not ok. She did hear me.
Now you are dealing with an active A .. so .. I don't know what to say as far as that goes .. I do believe that they get it on some level underneath it all. They are free to choose (poor decisions or not) what to do with the new behavior coming from the people around them. I have found this statement to be true. They will find recovery, they will continue to do what they are doing and ignore everything else, or they will continue to drink and find a new enabler. My expectation that they will see the light only comes from not liking the consequences they are dealing with and I may get a consequence I was not prepared for such as finding the new enabler. I find that my HP knows what is best for me and I can give it over to Him as the case may be to deal with and show me where I need to be, if the people of importance in my life are meant to catch up they will. I don't do well in relationships where I am tethered and that's what I have really come to discover about myself.
Big hugs, I think stating your wants, needs and boundaries is great .. as a codie I want to believe what I hear .. as an A at least in my case .. he only believed what I showed him so talk talk talk .. nothing changes .. nothing changes.
S :)
(((JT))) When I got into Al-Anon all the old rules changed one of them being there were no more "have to"s I learned that most all of the have to were created from within my enabling character which I had to change. Another thing I was helped to learn and practice and still do now is to live in the day...not yesterday or tomorrow but today. "Just for Today" is the primary mindset of our recovery ...we have readers that a entitled with that and it ought to be a daily (today) practice. Living just for today creates a more compact frame of time to plan and live my life. Since I have fully agreed that I am powerless it is appropriate that I reduce the amount of time, people, places and things which I make enticements to misdirect my daily life. Keep it Simple is another mindset that works well with Just for Today . Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
I had to set aside most of my own 'thoughts' as they were mostly negative and drama-making. I had to learn to deal with life on life's terms as it happened. January is a long ways off and lots can happen between then and now. The gift is this day only, just for today! I am practicing turning over things as I type - I've got an eye issue that is driving me crazy (again) and of course am concerned how it's going to affect my ability to 'be holiday ready'....
Breathe, breathe, breathe and keep it as simple as you can. There is hope and help in recovery - you got this!
I will breathe, breathe, breathe. And now that it's the weekend and the kids are home, I won't have the opportunity to be in my head as much. ;)