Hi MIP family!

I have been pretty quiet here for some time, as I am having a hard time keeping up with all the responsibilities of running a single-parent household - you all know the drill! However, I read every night before I go to sleep (to keep me grounded), and I appreciate everyone's shares.

Just last week my son and I got the last of our things out of the garage at our old home. RAH is now in a rehab facility for a little over 30 days, and finally was able to realize that he couldn't go back to that house for financial reasons. So his family was "closing it up." 

I am currently working on getting my own car insurance (sucks that even though I have a PERFECT driving record, my rates have skyrocketed b/c I am separated!!), and I have signed up for a Pharmacy Tech program at the local adult school... in the hopes of a new, better paying career. So I am trying to move on.

I have been having quite a bit of anxiety over the divorce papers, b/c I want the courts to hurry up and get them entered so that I can have someone serve my RAH BEFORE Christmas. But of course, that is my control issues, and I cannot make the process go faster. My dilemma is that son and I got a letter from the rehab facility about visiting your loved one on Christmas day. I'll be honest... I haven't even thought about it. Perhaps because I am moving forward with the divorce. I mean, what could I possibly say? I was having severe anxiety over what if he was all loving towards me if I go and see him? Because the courts were so slow, I just didn't know what to say or how to act with this pending. Then I thought that perhaps my son could go see his dad without me (perhaps with his aunt?). Kid said he didn't care either way. I then said that perhaps it would benefit his dad's program to see him. So he agreed. But I still didn't know what to do with myself.

Fast forward to an hour ago. The papers are ready to be served. Now something I wanted done the first week of Dec. will have to be done right before Christmas. I try and tell myself that the time or day the papers get served really has no bearing on the ultimate results... the divorce will still go forward. But I guess I am mad that I will feel like an ass for serving him before Christmas... or others will view me that way. 

Has anyone had experience in this? Did you just go ahead? Did you wait until after the holiday?

I feel that if I wait until after Christmas, then I will have to go see him on Christmas day... something I don't want to do b/c I will feel like I will have to act in a certain way... in a way that I don't feel anymore... and that really isn't fair to him. It's like leading him on, in a way. On the other hand, I was going to pen a letter to go with the petition... I could mention that it was not my intention to serve him at Christmas - that I didn't have control when the petition was ready. 

Perhaps I just need to be THAT ass, and deal with serving my spouse at the holiday. I really hate that this couldn't be done when I wanted it to be done. Now that I look back, none of the things I wanted (to spare my or my AH's feelings) have worked out. Interesting.

I also thought of something else that I haven't had to in awhile.

I feel that if I see him doing well that I will get really angry at this whole thing. I have been too busy trying to get my life and my son's senior year in order to feel much anger about this... I mean, I struggled at first, but I found the means to let it go. And our lives have been so much more peaceful without the AH here.

But when faced with my STBX, I feel like all the sadness, resentments and anger will come washing back. In all honesty, that scares me a little.

I learned to ask my self the question "Could you be wrong"?  when doing all the second guessing and future telling and the like.  Stop...go...stop...go, the practice of insanity and so very much of the fortune telling I would do never came about as I feared and then the AFG came up with "What other people think of you is...NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS".  Gosh I use to work for NASA and that was real rocket science thinking.  This is not a perfect program and we are not perfect members...we learn to do the best we can with what we have and let God have the rest.   Try meditating on that one and see how it comes out for you.   (((hugs)))  

 I agree with what Serenity wrote....Pause.....Breath.....connect w/your HP and then go.....You will know when you need to know...If the thought of facing him makes you that anxious, then DONT" go...its that simple when ya think about it...but hard on the emotions, I know, son going is a good thing IF HE WANTS to go...He may be hurting too and needing time out,  let the kid decide.....and , my friend, you work your program and practice making your life about YOU and YOUR welfare, whats best for you......and, I dont' think there is any "real good" time to serve someone...I had my X served and didnt' even inquire as to the when...I just proceeded with divorce...we didnt' have kids together, no property together as I did not want to be tied to him, from the gitgo so divorce was easy peasy....with AH#2, the house was in my name so we had no worries about property settlements.....if you don't want to go see him, then DONT...dont let guilt , undeserved guilt, cause you to be the victim again by doing something you don't want to do..Haven't you done enough stuff that you really didn't want to do???? Time for declaration of independence by working diligent program, steps, work with sponsor...keep your one day at a time sane and program oriented.....if you can get quiet, your inner HP will guide you as to what your REAL life chart has for you.....

You have a LOT of guts..I know you can do this...You're almost there (being free) the hard part, (making the decision and following through) is done...yea, road ahead will be lots of change and learning, but think how peaceful your life will be w/out all the insanity of the drinking....

Thank you, IAH... I have decided to write my RAH a letter rather than see him... it would be what is best for ME. I thought about it, and it is the right thing for me to do. I will practice saying what I mean, and not saying it mean in my letter.

Mamalioness - thank you for your ESH!!! It really helped me to realize that I need to be true to what I NEED, not perhaps what my RAH may want. I have had so much anxiety about how to react, it would be best to not go. I will just say that it would be too emotional for me at this time... which is 100% the truth! What you said... "don't let guilt cause you to be the victim again..." THAT really struck a chord with me. So I am embracing that.

Thank you, 2HP for your insight as well. I forget about that slogan, "THINK." This course of action may not be the most thoughtful (for him), but it is certainly HONEST, and it is NECESSARY for my well being right now. Not to mention waiting would mean that I am trying to exert MY WILL... again. So trying to do better with that!

As it turned out, the sheriff's office (who are going to serve the petition) said that I will get a result no sooner than 2 weeks... so I still don't have control over when he will be served. What I DO have control of is getting this item off my "to do" list.

BTW, on a kind of off-track rant - I absolutely think that CA auto insurers are taking advantage of people who are entering divorce. Once they hear you aren't married anymore,  they jack up your rates! Personally, I think that is price-gouging! Perhaps a newly single male may be a higher risk, but a woman in her fifties, with a kid, and being helped by public assistance? I don't think so. All I have time to do is drive to work, deal with the divorce, parent my kid, sign up for adult school to get a better paying career, eat, sleep and do the whole thing over the next day!! So today I am trying to process some anger at them AND my STBXRAH!!!

Thank you to all who chimed in with their ESH...priceless for me!!

I have some experience of the rehab visiting. I think it is remarkably difficult to go visit someone in rehab when you don't feel supportive. From what you say his family is remarkably supportive of him.  They don't have the same degree of ambivalence. 

It is perfectly okay to be ambivalent.  The whole issue about divorce over the holidays is not really that big a deal.for me.   The holidays dont need to have that much mystique. Divorce whenever it comes is difficult. Perhaps in a sober living environment he will have people to talk to.  They certainly do a lot of counselling.  I would guess a lot of relationships break up by the time someone has got to rehab. 

When the ex A was in rehab I was absolutely furious that I had to handle everything. In the meantime I.got these instructions about how I should behave. In the meantime the ex A had a number of medical issues he tried to dope me in on.  I felt i.should walk on egg shells around them.  In hindsight I know categorically the ex A never intended to stay sober for one moment. The emphasis I got from thge rehab was always I.shoukd put my feelings aside. 

I didn't I had those feelings and processed then. I did not go to visit because I was taking care of myself.  I set limits. 

None of that went doiwn too well. 

You are entitled to your feelings. You are also entitled to a quiet peaceful Christmas.   The divorce is just starting there is plenty of opportunity to meet he 8snt going to.fall off the earth. 

Maresie 

Aline - Thank you for your ESH... I know what you mean!! I am just beginning to see how self-destructive my habits of wanting to be liked/loved so I go beyond the norm, are!!!  As I am exploring my behaviors, I am not sure where this comes from, b/c as far as I can remember, I came from a very supportive, loving family. I'll have to remember that I am "Putting on my air mask on first!" And that means emotionally as well! You keep moving forward too, Aline... I read your posts daily and I am supporting you from afar!

Maresie - His FOO are very supportive... although, I think as of this date, only his mom has been to actually see him. His adult nephew helped me move the stove from the old house into my new house last week and mentioned to me that should I ever go back to him, this was his absolute last time bailing his uncle out. He said it in a joking manner, but I heard him loud and clear! He has his own family and is sick and tired of bailing out his uncle! Since his mother eventually died from the effects of alcoholism (although she was sober for many years before her death) he is particularly sensitive to this kind of behavior. Of course, I told him I am never going back. It was the first time I had actually said it to one of my STBX's family. But he understood... and dare I say I think he approved. So basically, his family is supportive of him from the periphery... my guess is that they will visit him on Christmas day.

Ambivalence is really a description of my son right now. Me, I think that I am sitting on an anger time bomb. Things are pretty smooth - because there is peace in my home from day to day - but should something not go my way, I can feel the rage start to boil up. And I don't mean "go my way" in terms of controlling the situation, but for example, finding out that you can't afford auto insurance b/c the insurance companies jack your rates up once they find out you are separated or divorcing. I am trying to rebuild my life, and there are things that keep coming up that seem to hammer me back down. THAT is when I feel the ugly anger at my STBXRAH. So yea, it's still under the surface. Even my F2F meetings don't seem to help with that... I mean, they help me temper it so that I am not always angry, or that I don't react out of anger, and they help me to chant "It is what it is," over and over, but I HATE that this "Is what it is." If that makes any sense. 

So all your shares are helping me to realize that seeing him may do HIM some good, but it probably won't help ME at all. I know he is doing well. I hear that he's losing weight and looking better. That's all I need, really, since I am trying to move forward WITHOUT him. 

Thank you all for taking the time to respond! Love you all!

And too...you might want to talk with some legal higher powers and/or consumer higher powers about the prejudice in the insurance process.  Being separated does seem like a push against risk which is mainly how they price their premiums.  Turn it over to HP and have them explain and justify why you should give them more of your necessary funds rather than other necessary industries.   Just a thought.   ((((hugs))))  

Hey there Posies&Puppies. We're kind of in the same boat. I don't know if this is right or not but I'll tell you the way I have viewed this. I have given myself the best Christmas present possible. It has occurred to me that some friends and family with partial information may view my decisions as being mean. But, I don't care. In fact I think it does me a favor by letting me know where I stand with certain people. 

I feel like you can serve him now without reservation or guilt but I suggest doing what you can live with. 

Jerry - You know, I got a great insurance agent... I could tell from his pictures on his desk that he was a single parent. So I like to think that is the biggest reason I got a decent rate and not a lot of questions (like some of the other many quotes I got). Maybe when my life calms down I may bring the subject of an unfair rating system up to someone in power... b/c it just stinks!

Westman - "I feel like you can serve him now without reservation or guilt but I suggest doing what you can live with." Thank you for this!  It is hard for me to feel like I am giving me the best Christmas gift, but when I read your post, you are exactly right! On Christmas Eve, I will toast to you, your ESH, and hope you are having a peaceful night! 

el-cee - Everyone is right about he being in the best physical place for this to happen. He will have support. I find it interesting that you said that "Could be your anger is part of the healing process for now." The more I think about it, the more I am prone to agree with you. I think it is my HP's way of keeping me from minimizing the consequences of his actions - something I am very good at, unfortunately. I tend to think if only I did better... more loving, more supportive, more... you name it! My friend told me (shortly after moving out), "You were/are the most giving, loving person I have ever met! You have given up so much dealing with him... you have always put yourself LAST. Perhaps it's time for you to put yourself (and your son) FIRST!" I laughed, but the longer I am with AL-Anon, I know she is right... but the weird thing is, I know that I deserve better... but I don't seem to put those words into actions for myself! It is a true puzzler why I do this even though I "Know better." I mean the saying is, 'When you know better, you do better," right? Weird.

Update: Had lunch with my SIL. One of the things we talked about was if she could possibly take my son to see his dad for a short time on Christmas day. She said she wasn't going to go see AH on Christmas day, so she saw him yesterday. But she did say that she would ask the nephew to take my son. She said that RAH seemed to still be doing well, and oddly enough, it was the one visit she didn't have to awkwardly answer his queries about myself or his son. During the "share time" he spoke of ACCEPTANCE... so she thought that was a step in the right direction. She thought having DS visit would be a good thing for him... but she understood my raw feelings right now. She then expressed to KID that no matter what happens in the future, she wanted him to know that the family all loved him unconditionally, and he would always be considered family... because he was! I haven't told her, but I have thought for awhile now that she knows what is coming (divorce petition) b/c she divorced her 2nd husband for far less than what my AH was doing... and she has mentioned more than once that she loved her brother, but she just couldn't understand how I could've put up with so much for so long! It was a nice lunch.