what do i do when my dad comes home drunk? I'm never sure anymore. I've tried ignoring it, avoiding it, confronting it, and pretending I don't notice it. It doesn't happen all the time but it happens frequently enough and sometimes it can be really bad. He drives home a lot. I can't always be sure how much he drinks because he doesn't do it in the house (except for a beer in the morning at times). He's not an angry drunk, he's just a mess. He gets loud and over excited and smiles at me and this makes me feel uncomfortable because it is as though we are sharing a laugh and a joke together when only one of us is smiling and the other one of us (myself) is just looking for a way out of the situation. I have dragged my dad drunk out of his mind from his car and carried him into the house with his arms over my shoulders in the past month. Things like that have happened before. In this particular situation we didn't speak of it the next day and I don't think that he even remembers this happening. Afterwards I drove to the establishment where I knew he came from (because he frequents this place just as much as he frequents home or work. His life is a triangle) in anger, wanting to confront them about over serving, even though I know that they didn't force the alcohol down his throat. I ended up seething in the parking lot and then I just went home. A large part of me regrets not saying something to them and another large part of me regrets not calling an ambulance for my dad as he had fallen asleep in the car for 45 minutes prior to me taking him out of it. I'm not sure if I could have called the police in that situation but on some level I regret not doing that and wonder about that too. This has been a problem for many years. Obviously there is a lot more to this entire issue but mostly I just want to know what I'm supposed to do when he comes home drunk like that, if he isn't passed out that is, and we are capable of having "conversations." I don't know if taking legal action is appropriate (I loathe having to wonder about this in general). I'm 21 years old (female) and I'm just really confused. I went to my first al anon meeting last night and I have been discussing this in depth in recent times with a therapist I have seen for quite some time. I'm sure on some level he knows his drinking isn't normal but by no means does he want to admit to others let alone himself that he has a drinking problem. My dad loves me but I no longer feel happy to be around him and dread when he comes home. I'm at a loss. Thank you for reading. I don't want to think about this anymore. But of course, this life doesn't work that way right now.
-- Edited by im-just-tired on Wednesday 13th of December 2017 07:47:38 PM
-- Edited by im-just-tired on Wednesday 13th of December 2017 08:34:59 PM
Jerry F said
Dec 13, 2017
Imjusttired okay you can leave it with us for a while and then come back and let some more go...I'm trying to get the picture of whether you are male or female cause the carrying around of the drunks carcass is really bad on the muscle system. I didn't like it and I am male.
There is so much to learn and I am glad you made it to an Al-Anon Family Group meeting. Yes we mostly come from that group of people like you who have had their lives negatively (very) affected by someone else's drinking, I was born and raised in the disease and by the time I found Al-Anon my life was pretty well over...I also advanced to marrying the women I drank with and attempting to start families with them. I knew drunk and didn't find out about alcoholism for a long time later.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence. The alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity and death as the definition of alcoholism states and we get to share all those moments with them whether we like it or not. I feel for you...I know what you are going thru as much as I know there are solutions...one of which you have already touched...Al-Anon.
Our part in the disease is called enabling because so often in our attempts to help fix or cure the alcoholic, our attempts end up making it worse and we get the opposite of what we wish and intend...its our part...our insanity. A bit of program gives us the clarity and is called the 3Cs...We did not Cause it, We will not Control it and We cannot Cure it. You can stop doing things in trying to help because they are not working and you can reach out to others of responsibility to step in whether he likes that or not. You are not his miracle worker and you don't want to see him die from this.
You might consider calling the AA Central office in your area and see/ask if they will come out and talk with your Dad...they will make house calls ...I know I've done a few and one worked very very well.
Keep coming back here...In support. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Dec 13, 2017
((Imjusttired )) Welcome Glad that you found us anf have attended a face to face alanon meeting. Now you know that you are not alone and if you picked up literature at the meting you will read that Alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless.
This is a dreadful disease that infects everyone it comes in contact with it. Attending alanon and receiving the support from like minded people helps. Alanon offers new tools to live by and a suppotrive network of folk to practice with. Do keep coming back
Freetime said
Dec 13, 2017
I'm sorry are going through this and glad to hear you have started Al-Anon meetings and that you have a therapist. Those are where I found my support, and forums like this are great for in-between times.
I understand feeling tired and not wanting to be around someone who's drunk. For me, when their behavior was odd, it felt scary. And I didn't feel like I could get away if it was at night.
I understand the impulse to confront the bartender, wondering whether an ambulance or police should be called ... I think you made the right decisions for now. "When in doubt, don't." Al-Anon will help you come up with a longer-term plan.
Taking breaks from the situation was helpful for me. Do you have a friend you can confide in, and could go visit when it gets overwhelming at home? If he's asleep in the car, can you leave him there? Get to as many Al-Anon meetings as you can, and you'll get help with figuring these things out.
nyan23 said
Jan 1, 2018
Hey, Thanks so much for being candid and posting this.
I'm 23 and my Mums the Alcoholic. I feel just as tired as you and am looking for the same answers.
Thanks for posting, its good to know someone else is one a similar journey.
what do i do when my dad comes home drunk? I'm never sure anymore. I've tried ignoring it, avoiding it, confronting it, and pretending I don't notice it. It doesn't happen all the time but it happens frequently enough and sometimes it can be really bad. He drives home a lot. I can't always be sure how much he drinks because he doesn't do it in the house (except for a beer in the morning at times). He's not an angry drunk, he's just a mess. He gets loud and over excited and smiles at me and this makes me feel uncomfortable because it is as though we are sharing a laugh and a joke together when only one of us is smiling and the other one of us (myself) is just looking for a way out of the situation. I have dragged my dad drunk out of his mind from his car and carried him into the house with his arms over my shoulders in the past month. Things like that have happened before. In this particular situation we didn't speak of it the next day and I don't think that he even remembers this happening. Afterwards I drove to the establishment where I knew he came from (because he frequents this place just as much as he frequents home or work. His life is a triangle) in anger, wanting to confront them about over serving, even though I know that they didn't force the alcohol down his throat. I ended up seething in the parking lot and then I just went home. A large part of me regrets not saying something to them and another large part of me regrets not calling an ambulance for my dad as he had fallen asleep in the car for 45 minutes prior to me taking him out of it. I'm not sure if I could have called the police in that situation but on some level I regret not doing that and wonder about that too. This has been a problem for many years. Obviously there is a lot more to this entire issue but mostly I just want to know what I'm supposed to do when he comes home drunk like that, if he isn't passed out that is, and we are capable of having "conversations." I don't know if taking legal action is appropriate (I loathe having to wonder about this in general). I'm 21 years old (female) and I'm just really confused. I went to my first al anon meeting last night and I have been discussing this in depth in recent times with a therapist I have seen for quite some time. I'm sure on some level he knows his drinking isn't normal but by no means does he want to admit to others let alone himself that he has a drinking problem. My dad loves me but I no longer feel happy to be around him and dread when he comes home. I'm at a loss. Thank you for reading. I don't want to think about this anymore. But of course, this life doesn't work that way right now.
-- Edited by im-just-tired on Wednesday 13th of December 2017 07:47:38 PM
-- Edited by im-just-tired on Wednesday 13th of December 2017 08:34:59 PM
Imjusttired okay you can leave it with us for a while and then come back and let some more go...I'm trying to get the picture of whether you are male or female cause the carrying around of the drunks carcass is really bad on the muscle system. I didn't like it and I am male.
There is so much to learn and I am glad you made it to an Al-Anon Family Group meeting. Yes we mostly come from that group of people like you who have had their lives negatively (very) affected by someone else's drinking, I was born and raised in the disease and by the time I found Al-Anon my life was pretty well over...I also advanced to marrying the women I drank with and attempting to start families with them. I knew drunk and didn't find out about alcoholism for a long time later.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence. The alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity and death as the definition of alcoholism states and we get to share all those moments with them whether we like it or not. I feel for you...I know what you are going thru as much as I know there are solutions...one of which you have already touched...Al-Anon.
Our part in the disease is called enabling because so often in our attempts to help fix or cure the alcoholic, our attempts end up making it worse and we get the opposite of what we wish and intend...its our part...our insanity. A bit of program gives us the clarity and is called the 3Cs...We did not Cause it, We will not Control it and We cannot Cure it. You can stop doing things in trying to help because they are not working and you can reach out to others of responsibility to step in whether he likes that or not. You are not his miracle worker and you don't want to see him die from this.
You might consider calling the AA Central office in your area and see/ask if they will come out and talk with your Dad...they will make house calls ...I know I've done a few and one worked very very well.
Keep coming back here...In support. ((((hugs))))
((Imjusttired )) Welcome Glad that you found us anf have attended a face to face alanon meeting. Now you know that you are not alone and if you picked up literature at the meting you will read that Alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless.
This is a dreadful disease that infects everyone it comes in contact with it. Attending alanon and receiving the support from like minded people helps. Alanon offers new tools to live by and a suppotrive network of folk to practice with. Do keep coming back
I understand feeling tired and not wanting to be around someone who's drunk. For me, when their behavior was odd, it felt scary. And I didn't feel like I could get away if it was at night.
I understand the impulse to confront the bartender, wondering whether an ambulance or police should be called ... I think you made the right decisions for now. "When in doubt, don't." Al-Anon will help you come up with a longer-term plan.
Taking breaks from the situation was helpful for me. Do you have a friend you can confide in, and could go visit when it gets overwhelming at home? If he's asleep in the car, can you leave him there? Get to as many Al-Anon meetings as you can, and you'll get help with figuring these things out.
Hey,
Thanks so much for being candid and posting this.
I'm 23 and my Mums the Alcoholic.
I feel just as tired as you and am looking for the same answers.
Thanks for posting, its good to know someone else is one a similar journey.