I am blessed today. How long will my happiness continue. I hope permanently. Just keep the active alcoholic away from my home and my space! I have had it with their insanity! I am loving the quite so much! Just love it! 

I called the court today as it was the alcoholic first appearance for assaulting me and locking me in a room as he went balastic on me and the police took him into custody for what he did to me! I am not shaking like a leaf, I am calming down finally! I feel the court has heard me, I do not want any, I mean any contact with him until court is addressed. Even after that, I do not want contact! I got a new court date-January 3, 2018 is the date he puts in a plea for court! Either he will plead not guilty and we go to trial or he pleads guilty and gets sentenced. I am still so angry at what he did. My hope is he gets time in jail. I found out this is not his first violent crime, he has a previous incident of violence in the past! Knowing the justice system, he most likely will get probation and told to be a good boy, go to AA, see a doctor for your depression and and report to your probation officer once every 2 weeks and tell them what a great job your doing! I have a strong feeling that is what will happen, if found guilty. There will be no jail time at all. The justice system does nothing for the victims of crime. The no contact order still remains in place, praise god! I just can not have him anywhere near me right now.

I have a lot of anger! I am angry at alcohol and what it has done! How it has effected my life! I hate alcohol with a passion. I guess I am angry at myself because he said he was an alcoholic yet I jumped into a relationship with  him but I never expected he would go this insane. I saw the good stuff rather then the reality of it. 

Then to top off, yes to top it off, I have surgery coming up. Its impossible for me to physically move out of my house right now. I am to sick. I am so scared that the alcoholic will return home after Jan 3, 2018. I am petrified. I am so scared he will return home and he will drink and I will experience worse abuse. I mean worse. I am so scared of this happening! Mentally, emotionally, spiritually I just can not do this anymore. I can not endure anymore hell from the alcoholic. I know I have to physically move away from him for good, but with me being so sick right now, I do not have the energy to move. I feel like a sitting duck! I feel like he will hurt me even worse! I fear that so much! I know my fears may be over the top but after what i have endured with the alcoholic abuse, I can not take anymore! I am done! Completely done! I will be writing a victim statement to the court explaining my fears and worries about further abuse and what he has put me through! I am going to stand up to him. I am not going to be afraid of him! I will tell the truth, my truth and what I endured! I need a safe home and he needs to stay away! Far away! The further away the better!  

I have to remember, I have options, restraining order, EPO order, exclusive possession of the home court order. I have to protect myself and my daughter. He is nuts and I do not trust him and I most likely never will. I know I am done! I can not have him around me anymore! He is sick and blames me for everything, everything, his shitty life and how he hates the world. everything! I can not take it another day! I just do not want him near me. God send him to jail for a good year, a year! That will give me time to get my surgery and get back to work and move from this house! But knowing what life will bring, that will not happen! Nope, he will be given probation, told to be a good boy, go to AA, see a doctor, work at your job and your allowed to come home to continue to do damage and hell!!It will not matter that your wife will be scared out of her mind of you and what you may do next! Beat her again? Drink and get drunk and scream insane things again? Think she is the devil? Go after her again? Chase her around the house again? Smash the doors down? Yell, scream, go insane again? The fact that she has to run out the door for her own sanity and safety? Yet, you continue to drink and think life is grand! That this insanity is normal? I expect he will get probation if he pleads guilty. Jail for a year would be far stretch! It would be a miracle if that should happen! A real miracle! He needs to face the full consequences of his sick actions! I did not ask him to physically attack me, nope. I had warned him if he ever attacked me physically, he would pay for this and I would tell the truth of what he did. I will not lie, I will tell the truth! I guess when he assaulted me he forgot and that I would not take action to protect myself!

I am angry at myself because, I tolerated a lot of abuse from him. I did what i could to remove myself from him when he was active drinking and going nuts. I did what I could and still he assaulted me when I was trying to leave the house. They say, that leaving is the most dangerous time and now I see it is. I tried to leave that morning and he did what he did. I had left a few times before and went to a hotel room to get away from him and get my sanity, so he knows I am serious. I guess he realized, I would not chase him nor be afraid if he went with his ex-wife Donna and got back together with her, as he said he would. He is no prize fighting for. She wants him, back too and said that clearly to both him and I. She said she wants him back! She can have his misery and all his issues, I am done! I do not want him back, end of story! I am just done with his crap, all of it! I do not care if he goes to AA 3 times per day, I do not want him back! Its to much work, way to much work! He requires a team, a huge team of doctors, psychiatrist, therapist to help him!  He needs a major overhaul and I can not do it. He is resistant to treatment and help, so he can have his misery! Not my issue! Just stay the heck away from me and my home! I deserve better and if it means I have to be alone for the rest of my life, I embrace it with joy! I love, I mean love living alone! I know this sounds strange but I just love living alone! No drama, no craziness! Things are on my terms! I do not have to accommodate anyone! I see that I can not live with anyone. I just cannot. I need to live alone! I hate I mean hate living with anyone. I may be selfish but I feel so much more saner and happier living all alone! To me its complete bliss! Complete Bliss! I have tried in the past to live with others and I can not do it. I get very miserable! I just can not stand having anyone living with me! My daughter lives with me and I am ok with that as she is quite and does not cause me headaches. She is not in my space and she is not an active drinker! In fact she does not drink alcohol at all! Thank god in heaven! 

I am scheduled for surgery next year and I need to focus on me right now and what I have to do. I just can not have the alcoholic around me! he can not be around me, end of story! I need to be alone and if it means for the rest of my life, I say YES, to that idea! I need to get healthy for me and right now it seems like there is not enough time to get well as court is January 3, 2018 and if he gets probation, he will be back here! 

Dear god, please, please do not bring him back to the house! I beg you from the bottom of my heart, do not let him return to this house! Keep him away as I need time to get my life back on track! I need time to heal from the trauma and get my confidence, self-esteem, hope, joy, sanity back! I need time to heal so I can get my medical issues addressed, back to work, and move out if I have to. My daughter and I need your help god! Help us! 

I only have 3 weeks before he goes back to court and 3 weeks to have calm in the house. If he pleads guilty to the charge, he will most likely receive probation and he will be back in the house! dear god, please no, do not allow him back to the home! Please! I can not undertake anymore insanity from him! I have done all I can and I give this up to your will. I did tell the crown today, I do not want any contact, none and I am grateful, so grateful, they listened to my request! I did not attend court today as I do not want to see him period! I just do not want anything more to do with him. I have been praying and praying so hard for god to keep him away from me and my home, I sure hope god heard me and will help me! I have become desperate and fearful of him to my very core. 

The best outcome is he falls madly in love with his ex-wife Donna, which is very unlikely, as she is messed up as well, comes from a very dysfunctional family and has major anger issues, moves in with her and I get to live in peace. But of course that will never happen, what I want, instead I know life, despite being so sick and waiting for surgery, I will have to pack up my belongings and move out, so he can move back in! I expect that this will happen! I will be forced to move out of the house so he can have the house back and live as he wants, getting drunk and nasty! I have to be prepared that I may have to move out of the house and have money set aside for this. Its very, very likely that this will be the outcome, I like it or not! There will be no other choice! So as I write this, I am preparing in my mind, that I will have to move out of my house, even though I am sick physically! I need to expect this as this is life! My heart feels heavy knowing I have to relocate and leave my house behind so that he can live here and continue his insanity! I have to accept that this is what must happen! I have no control over it. I have to just go with the flow of what is thrown at me! Its called Move out of your house, like it or not! You have no other choice! There is no other option! This angers me a lot as I am not the one that is abusive and drunk daily! I am not the one that drinks and drinks and goes insane and refuse to get help! I am angry! I am angry that I have to re-arrange my life to accommodate him, so he can live in the house he says he will never, ever leave! He says this is my house and I am not leaving for no-one! I put sweat and tears into this house, fixing it up and I will not leave, never! I assume he is very angry right now, very angry that he has been forced out of his house, because of what he did and that me and my daughter are here instead! I can only imagine how very angry he is right now!! God help me and my daughter! Help us! 

I know this is a long post but I had to share this. Thanks for being here for me!