My husband and I fought on Friday night. He had damaged something that belonged to me, and we got into our usual fight where he gets defensive and I expect an apology. It's insanity all round. I am proud that I didn't raise my voice or say anything I am ashamed of. But I just shouldn't have gotten into it in the first place. It's like looking for milk at the hardware store - my husband is fresh out of apologies and never had them in stock to start with.
He however, took off his glasses and threw them against the wall. They got very chipped. I was scared.
Last time he threw something I told him the next morning to leave the house and only come back when he had a plan to address this rage issue. I said would not tolerate that. He came back, he was planning to work a program to deal with anger. He didn't follow through.
When it happened again, something snapped in my brain.
Things just aren't changing here. He's a good man with all the good intentions in the world. But this has been going on for years. And things aren't changing. Forget the addiction issues, the not working.... he's got major issues with anger and self control and its just not changing. And I can't change it. And I don't want to live with it any longer.
I don't know why things aren't changing - maybe its the nature of the disease, maybe its the nature of his other mental issues (depression). Maybe its our dyanmic and my controlling and overfunctioning and not letting natural consequences occur because I don't want to live through them. Maybe its a combination of all of this. I also consider that we have moved a lot because of my job and other factors. I also don't get along so well with a group of friends he used to be close to.... and maybe I have unintentionally isolated him from support. Some of this is due to my own insanity and insecurities. I see that I have a lot of parts in this. But whatever it is, nothing is changing here.
He has showed me who he is.
And I am insane to keep hanging on her hoping for a better future or for him to change dramatically and drastically in so many areas.
The tragedy is I love him and am so attached to him.
But its not fair to him or me for me to be in this relationship conditional on him changing in ways that he may not even be able to change.
I feel for him so much. It is so sad and hard for me to cause him pain.
But here I am.
I am taking things slowly. We are still living together. But I am preparing for my next move.
-- Edited by AnnieFenk321 on Wednesday 13th of December 2017 08:55:55 AM
Aline said
Dec 13, 2017
Hi, (((((Annie))))), I'm so sorry for the insanity and sorry for your pain... I can relate to much of what you've shared. Alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse and worse, this is the nature of the disease, I've seen this in my loved ones... I hope you'll be gentle with yourself, as I have been reminded often by others in MIP... Its nearing a year since I first came to Alanon, and I only recently begun to see how deeply living with an alcoholic has messed me up, and while I also know I've had my part, I was an enormous enabler, I also know I was/am sick just like the alcoholic. I also I couldn't bare looking at reality for years, because it was so much worse than what I had hoped for, and I kept clinging on to my fantasies. I'm still peeling off my denial and fantasies, and its not easy and its painful, but its so worth it to start seeing things as they are... An image just popped into my mind that I was living in a Matrix and then I went to Morpheus to show me the real world, and that's part of what Alanon is for me, only I don't have it as easy and quick as eating one pill!
My thoughts go to you, please know you are truly not alone and there is hope... Keep coming back.
Freetime said
Dec 13, 2017
Hi Annie, I'm sorry to hear about the fear and anger you are experiencing, but so glad that you are taking things slowly and preparing for your next move. I believe that is what the program suggests for us.
I learned that it is good to see my own part in the situation, but I also needed to be gentle with myself.
Keep coming back, you are not alone.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 13, 2017
Hugs,
Sounds like you are participating in the 3 A's, Awareness, Acceptance and Action, .. good for you. I applaud you for taking things slowly so you have a good solid plan of action that works for you. I find when I do things that are for the best for the greater good it affects everyone in a positive way .. maybe not out of the box immediately however it does help.
Keep coming back and working on you, big hugs S :)
andromeda said
Dec 13, 2017
It sounds like you are doing a good job of using awareness to see how the dysfunction between you two has unfolded. You are looking at things in reality, not fantasy land and that's a wonderful place to start. Taking things slow is a great first step and you get to decide what feels right for you, nobody else can tell you that because they haven't walked in your exact shoes. We all have been in similar situations, to varying degrees, so I want to just encourage you to keep coming back, keep the focus on you, and to set aside fear and just trust that there is a Higher Power who is working in your lives, who is giving you comfort and love no matter what you seem to be facing each day. HUGS to you today!
AnnieFenk321 said
Dec 14, 2017
Thanks everyone I really appreciate the comments.
I am going to make an effort to get onto the phone meetings. Unfortunately where I live f2f meetings are not an option.
I want to reach out to more people in program too.
I am still feeling a lot of shock and inertia.
I really like what Serenity said about the three As, awareness, acceptance and action. I really feel like I've been lacking in one of the other for a long time and I have only just started getting them going at the same time.
We are still living together. I am very grateful that things are civil. My mother is coming to stay with me (she lives overseas) at the end of the month. He is looking into a rehab type program or a sober living program.
I am grateful that this period is coming to an end.
Someone suggested that I should be open to starting again after he gets treatment and hold off on moving forward on a divorce until then. In part I am open to this idea because it doesn't put me in a position where I would need to make a decision about filing for divorce right now. On the other hand, I just want to be moving on with my life.
However I feel like maybe I am not yet at a situation wher I can say I we have exhausted all options. The fact that my husband does want to get help (like going to meetings and getting into rehab) but that he hasn't been successful gives me pause. Maybe I owe it to us and our child to see what life is like after 6 months of recovering in Al Anon for me and 6 months of sober living for him. Maybe we will be in a position then to work with the anger issues.
Another part of me says f*** it! I am done with this sucker. I just want a normal life again.
I keep thinking that what I want isn't so much a divorce as it is to hit undo on everything that has happened since I met him - with the exception of our son and his birth.
But you probably all know what I mean.
Thanks for listening.
Iamhere said
Dec 14, 2017
The greatest part of our program is we each get to progress at our pace and make choices that make sense for us. I stayed in my marriage for a variety of reasons --- one of which was because of the kids, we would always have shared experiences and he would be in a position to have visitation and be driving them possibly under the influence. Every state is different but more often than not, it takes quite a bit of formal evidence and charges to restrict a parent from seeing a child. I did feel the need to give my recovery my best effort to see what would happen.
I'm still here and we're still together. He never returned to recovery but his alcohol career was stifled by medical issues. We are content in our retirement and I am glad I stayed. It's far from perfect but nothing is perfect. So - the only one who knows what the future holds is that power greater than self we work to trust and rely on.
A great slogan I use often - When in doubt, Don't. What this has always shown me is I will know when it's the right time and that's been true for me/my life.
Keep coming back!
mamalioness said
Dec 15, 2017
I like that you are accepting reality and based on that reality, exploring your options...you don't have to do anything major now...I would up my meetings face to face or online and work the steps with my sponsor...90 meets in 90 days and just SEE what happens..if your not ready for divorce, then WAIT...SEE...LOOK for the signs your higher power shows you...You will know what to do when it is right and TIME to do it....when in doubt----DONT.......you've got a good , open grasp on this...you are aware....you have reached the place about acceptance and you are ready to take the next right action for you when it is time....till then?? focus on you and program.........the signs will show themselves when you be quiet within you and open for it........in support
My husband and I fought on Friday night. He had damaged something that belonged to me, and we got into our usual fight where he gets defensive and I expect an apology. It's insanity all round. I am proud that I didn't raise my voice or say anything I am ashamed of. But I just shouldn't have gotten into it in the first place. It's like looking for milk at the hardware store - my husband is fresh out of apologies and never had them in stock to start with.
He however, took off his glasses and threw them against the wall. They got very chipped. I was scared.
Last time he threw something I told him the next morning to leave the house and only come back when he had a plan to address this rage issue. I said would not tolerate that. He came back, he was planning to work a program to deal with anger. He didn't follow through.
When it happened again, something snapped in my brain.
Things just aren't changing here. He's a good man with all the good intentions in the world. But this has been going on for years. And things aren't changing. Forget the addiction issues, the not working.... he's got major issues with anger and self control and its just not changing. And I can't change it. And I don't want to live with it any longer.
I don't know why things aren't changing - maybe its the nature of the disease, maybe its the nature of his other mental issues (depression). Maybe its our dyanmic and my controlling and overfunctioning and not letting natural consequences occur because I don't want to live through them. Maybe its a combination of all of this. I also consider that we have moved a lot because of my job and other factors. I also don't get along so well with a group of friends he used to be close to.... and maybe I have unintentionally isolated him from support. Some of this is due to my own insanity and insecurities. I see that I have a lot of parts in this. But whatever it is, nothing is changing here.
He has showed me who he is.
And I am insane to keep hanging on her hoping for a better future or for him to change dramatically and drastically in so many areas.
The tragedy is I love him and am so attached to him.
But its not fair to him or me for me to be in this relationship conditional on him changing in ways that he may not even be able to change.
I feel for him so much. It is so sad and hard for me to cause him pain.
But here I am.
I am taking things slowly. We are still living together. But I am preparing for my next move.
-- Edited by AnnieFenk321 on Wednesday 13th of December 2017 08:55:55 AM
My thoughts go to you, please know you are truly not alone and there is hope... Keep coming back.
I learned that it is good to see my own part in the situation, but I also needed to be gentle with myself.
Keep coming back, you are not alone.
Sounds like you are participating in the 3 A's, Awareness, Acceptance and Action, .. good for you. I applaud you for taking things slowly so you have a good solid plan of action that works for you. I find when I do things that are for the best for the greater good it affects everyone in a positive way .. maybe not out of the box immediately however it does help.
Keep coming back and working on you, big hugs S :)
I am going to make an effort to get onto the phone meetings. Unfortunately where I live f2f meetings are not an option.
I want to reach out to more people in program too.
I am still feeling a lot of shock and inertia.
I really like what Serenity said about the three As, awareness, acceptance and action. I really feel like I've been lacking in one of the other for a long time and I have only just started getting them going at the same time.
We are still living together. I am very grateful that things are civil. My mother is coming to stay with me (she lives overseas) at the end of the month. He is looking into a rehab type program or a sober living program.
I am grateful that this period is coming to an end.
Someone suggested that I should be open to starting again after he gets treatment and hold off on moving forward on a divorce until then. In part I am open to this idea because it doesn't put me in a position where I would need to make a decision about filing for divorce right now. On the other hand, I just want to be moving on with my life.
However I feel like maybe I am not yet at a situation wher I can say I we have exhausted all options. The fact that my husband does want to get help (like going to meetings and getting into rehab) but that he hasn't been successful gives me pause. Maybe I owe it to us and our child to see what life is like after 6 months of recovering in Al Anon for me and 6 months of sober living for him. Maybe we will be in a position then to work with the anger issues.
Another part of me says f*** it! I am done with this sucker. I just want a normal life again.
I keep thinking that what I want isn't so much a divorce as it is to hit undo on everything that has happened since I met him - with the exception of our son and his birth.
But you probably all know what I mean.
Thanks for listening.
I'm still here and we're still together. He never returned to recovery but his alcohol career was stifled by medical issues. We are content in our retirement and I am glad I stayed. It's far from perfect but nothing is perfect. So - the only one who knows what the future holds is that power greater than self we work to trust and rely on.
A great slogan I use often - When in doubt, Don't. What this has always shown me is I will know when it's the right time and that's been true for me/my life.
Keep coming back!