My qualifier has been sober since September with two little lapses in between. He's good, happy, moving on, sober, optimistic, all of that. Like he's GREAT.
I on the other hand and not good. I feel insane. I feel so mad at him all the time. He barely wants to speak to me. He's like - I try to tell you about these good things happening to me and you just make me feel like s**t. Like he deserves it, works so hard, worked so hard, all of that.
I just feel so MAD. Just so MAD. Still!
How did you get over this and be people who just like and care about each other again?
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 12th of December 2017 03:15:00 PM
SerenityRUS said
Dec 12, 2017
Ok so let's call what he's doing what it is .. He's drinking again regardless of how much or how long the dry spells go .. looking for the feel goods of a new relationship ... he's not sober in the grand scheme of things. So whatever his new love gets it's not the whole truth of who he is today. I encourage you to keep coming back because many of us have gone on to have healthier relationships moving forward. It took me time to heal and feel good about me and where I was. This is a very safe place to do discovery work and let go of the negativity. Big hugs .. keep coming back .. more will be revealed.
hotrod said
Dec 12, 2017
HI bzz you are not alone The real reason alanon was founded was because the wife of the founder of AA felt as you do.
Alanon meetings and tools help us to face the anger, resentment, self pity and fears of the past and by working the Steps and applying alanon principles to our daily lives let them go so we can eperience serenity, wisdom and ioy once again Please keep coming back you are worth it
Iamhere said
Dec 12, 2017
Hey bzz123 - I could only let go of my past through Al-Anon recovery. I was not able to release my anger, resentments, the past, etc. until I was sick and tired or living and dwelling there. It's not an easy road - living in the past or the future and recovery is tough too. However, when I truly considered where I had been, where I was, where I was heading without recovery and where I wanted to be - my best option appeared to be Al-Anon recovery.
I had to surrender and come to understand that my loved ones are sick, not evil. The substance(s) just suck the life out of us all. They did some unacceptable, immoral, unbelievable things while active in this disease, but I was no angel. In my efforts to hold things together, and keep us afloat, I also made some poor choices. Each day I was living in the past was another miserable day in the present. Each day I projected to the future was one that anxiety came and caused extreme worry.
I learned in Al-Anon to stay in today. To assess the past and learn from it but not dwell on it. I no longer was allowed to use the past as a measure for the future - history doesn't always repeat itself even though we have been taught to believe that. We've been through 12+ treatment centers and so many relapses, I no longer hang my hat on that as a possible outcome nor on recovery as a possible outcome. I stay in today, am grateful for what's working today and pray for what's not. So, so, so much simpler and calmer than I was before.
It's a practice, practice, practice thing. I would not be where I am though without the grace of others in this program, an excellent sponsor and a diligent effort to work, practice and live these steps and the program principles. I do encourage you to lean in and keep an open mind. (((hugs))) - keep coming back!
el-cee said
Dec 12, 2017
Its a family disease. In other words, its contagious, hes sick and your sick. Hes got recovery, Im assuming. You also need recovery. Imagine you both got the flu, he would need to take his medicine and you would need to take yours, its the same thing. Alcoholism is a disease that effects everyone it comes into contact with and luckily for all of us there is medicine and its alanon meetings, readings, steps. Good luck
Maresie said
Dec 12, 2017
I think it's pretty common for alcohol8cs not to take m7ch responsibility.
Expectations are a big issue in recovery. You are expecting him to act like he is concerned. He is behaving like an alcoholic.
The sobriety is a screen for him. Normally it takes an alcoholic a long time to make amends. Some if them never make amends. What i.woukd say is none of the ones I know
ever made amends on anyone else's timetable .
Of course you are right to have your feelings. Meetings thius board the chat room is 9ne place to take those feelings. You certainly will be heard
My qualifier has been sober since September with two little lapses in between. He's good, happy, moving on, sober, optimistic, all of that. Like he's GREAT.
I on the other hand and not good. I feel insane. I feel so mad at him all the time. He barely wants to speak to me. He's like - I try to tell you about these good things happening to me and you just make me feel like s**t. Like he deserves it, works so hard, worked so hard, all of that.
I just feel so MAD. Just so MAD. Still!
How did you get over this and be people who just like and care about each other again?
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 12th of December 2017 03:15:00 PM
Alanon meetings and tools help us to face the anger, resentment, self pity and fears of the past and by working the Steps and applying alanon principles to our daily lives let them go so we can eperience serenity, wisdom and ioy once again Please keep coming back you are worth it
I had to surrender and come to understand that my loved ones are sick, not evil. The substance(s) just suck the life out of us all. They did some unacceptable, immoral, unbelievable things while active in this disease, but I was no angel. In my efforts to hold things together, and keep us afloat, I also made some poor choices. Each day I was living in the past was another miserable day in the present. Each day I projected to the future was one that anxiety came and caused extreme worry.
I learned in Al-Anon to stay in today. To assess the past and learn from it but not dwell on it. I no longer was allowed to use the past as a measure for the future - history doesn't always repeat itself even though we have been taught to believe that. We've been through 12+ treatment centers and so many relapses, I no longer hang my hat on that as a possible outcome nor on recovery as a possible outcome. I stay in today, am grateful for what's working today and pray for what's not. So, so, so much simpler and calmer than I was before.
It's a practice, practice, practice thing. I would not be where I am though without the grace of others in this program, an excellent sponsor and a diligent effort to work, practice and live these steps and the program principles. I do encourage you to lean in and keep an open mind. (((hugs))) - keep coming back!
Its a family disease. In other words, its contagious, hes sick and your sick. Hes got recovery, Im assuming. You also need recovery. Imagine you both got the flu, he would need to take his medicine and you would need to take yours, its the same thing. Alcoholism is a disease that effects everyone it comes into contact with and luckily for all of us there is medicine and its alanon meetings, readings, steps. Good luck
I think it's pretty common for alcohol8cs not to take m7ch responsibility.
Expectations are a big issue in recovery. You are expecting him to act like he is concerned. He is behaving like an alcoholic.
The sobriety is a screen for him. Normally it takes an alcoholic a long time to make amends. Some if them never make amends. What i.woukd say is none of the ones I know
ever made amends on anyone else's timetable .
Of course you are right to have your feelings. Meetings thius board the chat room is 9ne place to take those feelings. You certainly will be heard
Maresie