Hi, guys, I would appreciate some support today or at least no bashing, ha ha. I know we don't do bashing in Alanon, but right now I feel like maybe you folks will make an exception just for me ... Might be my large ego...
I called my ex-abf not long ago over the phone because a thought has been nagging me for a couple of weeks now that I probably haven't been entirely open with him - I don't think I'd ever told him directly that I may not come back at all (we've been officially "together" but living separately for six months). I'm sure I strongly hinted at it, but somehow never had the guts to say it in a completely straightforward manner. Well, today I did, and by his reaction it seems he already knew anyway, so all this was probably me just doing what I've done for years and doubting myself because that's what I'd learned to do, living in an alcoholic relationship.
He already knows there's 0 chance of me returning if he doesn't seek recovery. Today in conversation no. 1 he told me he doesn't plan on seeking recovery, he thinks he can handle it himself, claims he's drinking a lot less etc. So I told him I want to break up, like, officially, because our status for the past six months sort of has been "in relationship but living separately". In reality the "in relationship" part was not a reality, just a hook for me and for him of some sort... So, really, nothing has changed except in name.
I got just more blaming from him - what kind of a person am I to make ultimatums to him at all (he claims his family thinks its "low" as well, but this might as well be a lie) and that he's really angry at Alanon for destroying our relationship. Ha ha! I mean, it was so cuddly before, wasn't it? Hellishly happy. I didn't take the bait, thankfully, and "dropped the rope".
I'm somewhat annoyed at this display, but this only reinforces my belief that my decision to break up for good is right.
So what do you know, he's calling me back, telling me he's changed his mind and he loves me, and that he will do whatever it takes to save the relationship. I've heard that before. He says he'll go to AA, which he seemed to hate before... Bah. Now he's putting on his nice face and civil tone again. What an invitation for me to get back on the crazy train.
I'm glad I stuck to my guns, we are broken up and I didn't give him any guarantees of reuniting.
So here's the main "afraid of bashing" part, I guess: Tomorrow is my first real meeting with my sponsor. What she said to me when we met some weeks ago to discuss the possibility of her sponsoring me, one of the things was - that I can't make any big life changes while we go through the steps, like breaking up. I mean, technically, I have been broken up for 6 months now, and technically we haven't really had our first sponsor-sponsee get-together yet... So I'm possibly a complete a$$, I'm not sure. Honestly, its not a coincidence I called my ex-abf the day before my first real meeting with my sponsor is due. Since she told me I wouldn't be able to break up while we work together, this confusing relationship status has been on my mind and today I finally thought, I'll call the A, I'll tell him all I think fair and square, and I'll let go of the results. The resulting conversation was what it was, and I said what I meant to him, no cutting corners out of fear. When I called him I did what I thought was best for me.
I'm home today because I'm not feeling quite OK, cold, I think, so I've got all this time to think about things that I can and cannot control. (this is me making excuses for myself, btw). Lol, I'm betraying myself.
Thanks for letting me share my day with you. I would really appreciate any ESH or just plain sympathy. I'm just not sure right now I'm not a total jerk.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 12, 2017
LOL .. umm .. gonna say be gentle with you .. if you have been broken up for 6 months I think you are outside of that range.
I do have to wonder what your motives were to engage again with your X on this level? That's kind of curious in my mind. Did you need something to come in and be "bad Aline"? It's not bad .. it just is and you got your closer although it does sound like a can of worms did get kicked and now what. So I do think an observational deal of why did I choose this moment to reach out and what did I think I was going to really get out of it does come to mind .. outside of that .. let it all go.
Your sponsor is meant as a guide not as a ridged solider guard of what you can and can't do. It's suggested no major changes in the first 18 months if those have already happened then oh well .. water under the bridge move forward.
Big hugs, I totally understand not feeling well and tackling big things and I'm so sorry that is going on at the moment. Be gentle with you .. I suggest you focus on the progress you have made. Gratitude and breathing, now is the time to be gentle with you.
S :)
Aline said
Dec 12, 2017
Thanks for your kind reply, Serenity, and for the suggestions to look more closely into my motives... One of the reasons I decided to call and talk with him today about this was because I felt I haven't been entirely fair with this, I wanted him to know there's no guarantee I'll ever get back with him, no matter what he does. Also, I guess I just couldn't stop my burning desire to EXPLAIN.
The other reason was what I perceived as a doomsday clock ticking away the days and hours towards a point in time (my first real meeting with a sponsor, ha!) where I wouldn't be able to get totally out of the "relationship" for who knows how long even if it made me completely sick. Because, although it is true we hadn't had anything resembling real relationship for months, and then even for a couple of years before that, when we were still living together, the very fact that two people consent to call themselves as being "in relationship" means something, or should mean something, in my eyes. Its like a mutual consent to have some sort of contact, or something, like its unfair/unkind of me to not talk to the other person for long periods of time, for example, because if I don't want to speak with him for a couple of weeks then what the deuce I'm even doing, being in this kind of "relationship"? Like its all pretend.
Funny that when I called, in that precise moment I only thought I'll "say my truth". But on the other side of my brain was this other desire to just break up and be done with it officially, stamp and all. I felt like I was just procrastinating the inevitable. So my motives... were mixed. I just wanted some relief, really, from the pressure, and I guess expectations, I put on myself. Can't say I'm feeling very relieved at the moment, though not really bad either. A can of worms, like you wrote. What a mess... Days like this I wonder where has my recovery gone? Back to the basics, that's right... Gratitude, focusing on me, accepting what is and try to see the next right step...
el-cee said
Dec 12, 2017
Your situation is so similar to my experience. I left my ex, kept him in my life despite living apart for about 2-3 yrs and then it took me about 6 months in alanon to get the honesty and courage and i formally ended it. It was the right thing to do and I hadn't known that it was the right thing to do 6 months earlier and then I learned it and i did it.
I think the wait 6 months thing is because it might take a bit of time for people to get honest with themselves and accept their own part in their own lives and of course to get some of that rational thought and edge further away from denial.
You have been getting honest for a while now and to me you learned what is the right thing to do and when we learn it in a given situation we cant unlearn it really. Its like accepting alcoholism is a disease, once accepted its difficult to go back to the old way of thinking.
The reason I finally ended it formally with the whole conversation was I realised that fear kept me hanging on and speaking the truth and I realised that I had known for a long time that I didn't want to go back with him. I had promised myself I would never live with him drinking again and he was drinking again and had been since i had left our home. I knew, i felt done but I didn't have the guts to end it I was terrified that he would go down hill even worse and my kids wouldn't have a dad and it would all be my fault. I truly believed I had that kind of power. I was also a manipulator and wanted him on the edges of our life because i wanted him to get sober and become the Father I had waited almost 20 yrs for him to be. LOL. This was my insanity. I was using him as my just in case person. Just in case he morphed into a Father and husband, just in case i needed him for ... whatever.
Of course it took alanon, and for me only 6 months like you, for me to see this finally and I knew i wasnt being fair to him or me or our family. He was holding on to hope I was letting him think there was hope. It was wrong and so I did the right thing. Funnily enough, he reacted angrily too and then he tried the tools that always did work like guilt, being really loving, control etc. None of it worked and when he accepted it believe it or not he got sober and into AA. Me letting go let him let go and our kids let go and it was the right thing for everyone. He seems to have a full sober life now. We have no contact but it was the right thing and I felt it and so maybe you have felt it.
A sponsor is a wonderful tool and helps hold us accountable but having one doesnt make us perfect either so you are going to do things your own way and get things wrong because your human and always will be. Who know whats right or wrong in your case? not even your sponsor. Time will tell.x
Aline said
Dec 12, 2017
Thanks so much for your ESH, el-cee. Truly, we have this experience very much in common, and its always good to know I'm not alone... I have also thought about my not ending things properly was just giving him false hope, a thread to hold on to that "everything will be just fine eventually", that I'll "get around" or something...
I'm feeling more myself since couple of hours ago, and I think ending things properly is right for me... That's what I've wanted for a while, but hadn't had the courage to do. I just hope my sponsor will be understanding in this, that's what still bothers me a little, but I hope to come to terms with my actions soon.
MizzB said
Dec 12, 2017
Aline, So often relationships with alcoholics are relationships only in name rather than any really characteristics of a relationship. You are now free to focus on you without that tie that was holding you back. I admire your strength in this hard decision. You are a strong lady and you will go from strength to strength now. Take care of yourself. Do what's right for you xx
Aline said
Dec 12, 2017
Thank you for your support, MizzB...
Iamhere said
Dec 12, 2017
Hey Aline - My ESH only. Al-Anon is about recovery. Sponsors exist to guide, not lead. I've recently had an experience in my group where everyone's controlling nature came to the surface and our group has exploded. I've always been told that when we know - we know. I read your post and sense that you wanted to be free to work this program as best you can and didn't want the 'baggage' of this hanging relationship distracting your mind. No good sponsor I know would ever penalize a sponsee for choosing freedom from baggage that was holding one back.
What I love about my sponsor is that she's gentle. I was not a gentle soul and am still more of an 'in your face' gal. Her style has shown me a different way and given me more willingness to try gentle - in all my affairs. I've been a rebel since I could walk, so would not do well in Al-Anon with a sponsor who acted like a task master. I needed that style for the other side of this program but it's life/death there or that's what I was told and now believe.
I tend to cringe when I hear, "You shouldn't have done that......" or "You should ......." because both suggest control and/or controlling behavior and that's one of my defects I've been working to leave behind. I have no issue with suggestions yet I believe our program works best when members get to work with their higher power and heal/deal through trial and error.
I have not always followed what my sponsor suggests. She's so graceful, she's never even called me on it. She's even patient enough to have listened to my complaining when my way went south. Yet each side step I've taken, and each side issue I've faced has taught me more about me, recovery, my attitudes, my fears, etc. So - the way I see it....no harm and no foul in doing what felt like the best next thing for you today.
Good luck with your sponsor meeting tomorrow - sending tons of positive thoughts and prayers your way!!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 12th of December 2017 04:45:47 PM
Aline said
Dec 13, 2017
Thank you for your ESH, IAH... Others' shares here made me see I have gone way overboard with thinking I'm messing up in a big way. Again... Still was feeling "wrong", but then again I just realized I've got this skewed attitude only a week or two ago. I can't meet my sponsor today, though, I'm still not feeling too well and have another day off work as well. Just want to lie around on bed most of the time which is what I do, but I feel a tad better than yesterday, so its all good.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 13, 2017
Not sure what you have going on I know the garbage in my chest is kicking my butt. I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well and when I'm not feeling good .. It's not a time for me to be doing self reflective work. I'm not going to be kind to me. I agree with IAM your sponsor is a guide .. my experience was complete unconditional acceptance and love from someone who didn't want anything in return. I could be me and it was ok. I judge myself far harsher than others and this was a total foil to that behavior. She's been gone a year and I still can't talk about her without tears. I do hope your itty bitty s$#ty committee is not doing a beat down on you of fear. Please tell them to sit down and shut up .. lol .. You deserve that acceptance for yourself to allow someone inside those places that don't feel pretty and give you the gift of acceptance in spite of it all. It's one of the best things about alanon. Good on you for finding closure with your ex especially if that's what you needed .. it helps. Hugs feel better!! This sick stuff is not ok. ðð
Aline said
Dec 13, 2017
Thanks, Serenity, I hope you feel better soon as well... Sending you cyberhugs!
Hi, guys, I would appreciate some support today or at least no bashing, ha ha. I know we don't do bashing in Alanon, but right now I feel like maybe you folks will make an exception just for me
... Might be my large ego...
I called my ex-abf not long ago over the phone because a thought has been nagging me for a couple of weeks now that I probably haven't been entirely open with him - I don't think I'd ever told him directly that I may not come back at all (we've been officially "together" but living separately for six months). I'm sure I strongly hinted at it, but somehow never had the guts to say it in a completely straightforward manner. Well, today I did, and by his reaction it seems he already knew anyway, so all this was probably me just doing what I've done for years and doubting myself because that's what I'd learned to do, living in an alcoholic relationship.
He already knows there's 0 chance of me returning if he doesn't seek recovery. Today in conversation no. 1 he told me he doesn't plan on seeking recovery, he thinks he can handle it himself, claims he's drinking a lot less etc. So I told him I want to break up, like, officially, because our status for the past six months sort of has been "in relationship but living separately". In reality the "in relationship" part was not a reality, just a hook for me and for him of some sort... So, really, nothing has changed except in name.
I got just more blaming from him - what kind of a person am I to make ultimatums to him at all (he claims his family thinks its "low" as well, but this might as well be a lie) and that he's really angry at Alanon for destroying our relationship. Ha ha! I mean, it was so cuddly before, wasn't it? Hellishly happy. I didn't take the bait, thankfully, and "dropped the rope".
I'm somewhat annoyed at this display, but this only reinforces my belief that my decision to break up for good is right.
So what do you know, he's calling me back, telling me he's changed his mind and he loves me, and that he will do whatever it takes to save the relationship. I've heard that before. He says he'll go to AA, which he seemed to hate before... Bah. Now he's putting on his nice face and civil tone again. What an invitation for me to get back on the crazy train.
I'm glad I stuck to my guns, we are broken up and I didn't give him any guarantees of reuniting.
So here's the main "afraid of bashing" part, I guess: Tomorrow is my first real meeting with my sponsor. What she said to me when we met some weeks ago to discuss the possibility of her sponsoring me, one of the things was - that I can't make any big life changes while we go through the steps, like breaking up. I mean, technically, I have been broken up for 6 months now, and technically we haven't really had our first sponsor-sponsee get-together yet... So I'm possibly a complete a$$, I'm not sure. Honestly, its not a coincidence I called my ex-abf the day before my first real meeting with my sponsor is due. Since she told me I wouldn't be able to break up while we work together, this confusing relationship status has been on my mind and today I finally thought, I'll call the A, I'll tell him all I think fair and square, and I'll let go of the results. The resulting conversation was what it was, and I said what I meant to him, no cutting corners out of fear. When I called him I did what I thought was best for me.
I'm home today because I'm not feeling quite OK, cold, I think, so I've got all this time to think about things that I can and cannot control. (this is me making excuses for myself, btw). Lol, I'm betraying myself.
Thanks for letting me share my day with you. I would really appreciate any ESH or just plain sympathy. I'm just not sure right now I'm not a total jerk.
I do have to wonder what your motives were to engage again with your X on this level? That's kind of curious in my mind. Did you need something to come in and be "bad Aline"? It's not bad .. it just is and you got your closer although it does sound like a can of worms did get kicked and now what. So I do think an observational deal of why did I choose this moment to reach out and what did I think I was going to really get out of it does come to mind .. outside of that .. let it all go.
Your sponsor is meant as a guide not as a ridged solider guard of what you can and can't do. It's suggested no major changes in the first 18 months if those have already happened then oh well .. water under the bridge move forward.
Big hugs, I totally understand not feeling well and tackling big things and I'm so sorry that is going on at the moment. Be gentle with you .. I suggest you focus on the progress you have made. Gratitude and breathing, now is the time to be gentle with you.
S :)
The other reason was what I perceived as a doomsday clock ticking away the days and hours towards a point in time (my first real meeting with a sponsor, ha!) where I wouldn't be able to get totally out of the "relationship" for who knows how long even if it made me completely sick. Because, although it is true we hadn't had anything resembling real relationship for months, and then even for a couple of years before that, when we were still living together, the very fact that two people consent to call themselves as being "in relationship" means something, or should mean something, in my eyes. Its like a mutual consent to have some sort of contact, or something, like its unfair/unkind of me to not talk to the other person for long periods of time, for example, because if I don't want to speak with him for a couple of weeks then what the deuce I'm even doing, being in this kind of "relationship"? Like its all pretend.
Funny that when I called, in that precise moment I only thought I'll "say my truth". But on the other side of my brain was this other desire to just break up and be done with it officially, stamp and all. I felt like I was just procrastinating the inevitable. So my motives... were mixed. I just wanted some relief, really, from the pressure, and I guess expectations, I put on myself. Can't say I'm feeling very relieved at the moment, though not really bad either. A can of worms, like you wrote. What a mess... Days like this I wonder where has my recovery gone? Back to the basics, that's right... Gratitude, focusing on me, accepting what is and try to see the next right step...
Your situation is so similar to my experience. I left my ex, kept him in my life despite living apart for about 2-3 yrs and then it took me about 6 months in alanon to get the honesty and courage and i formally ended it. It was the right thing to do and I hadn't known that it was the right thing to do 6 months earlier and then I learned it and i did it.
I think the wait 6 months thing is because it might take a bit of time for people to get honest with themselves and accept their own part in their own lives and of course to get some of that rational thought and edge further away from denial.
You have been getting honest for a while now and to me you learned what is the right thing to do and when we learn it in a given situation we cant unlearn it really. Its like accepting alcoholism is a disease, once accepted its difficult to go back to the old way of thinking.
The reason I finally ended it formally with the whole conversation was I realised that fear kept me hanging on and speaking the truth and I realised that I had known for a long time that I didn't want to go back with him. I had promised myself I would never live with him drinking again and he was drinking again and had been since i had left our home. I knew, i felt done but I didn't have the guts to end it I was terrified that he would go down hill even worse and my kids wouldn't have a dad and it would all be my fault. I truly believed I had that kind of power. I was also a manipulator and wanted him on the edges of our life because i wanted him to get sober and become the Father I had waited almost 20 yrs for him to be. LOL. This was my insanity. I was using him as my just in case person. Just in case he morphed into a Father and husband, just in case i needed him for ... whatever.
Of course it took alanon, and for me only 6 months like you, for me to see this finally and I knew i wasnt being fair to him or me or our family. He was holding on to hope I was letting him think there was hope. It was wrong and so I did the right thing. Funnily enough, he reacted angrily too and then he tried the tools that always did work like guilt, being really loving, control etc. None of it worked and when he accepted it believe it or not he got sober and into AA. Me letting go let him let go and our kids let go and it was the right thing for everyone. He seems to have a full sober life now. We have no contact but it was the right thing and I felt it and so maybe you have felt it.
A sponsor is a wonderful tool and helps hold us accountable but having one doesnt make us perfect either so you are going to do things your own way and get things wrong because your human and always will be. Who know whats right or wrong in your case? not even your sponsor. Time will tell.x
I'm feeling more myself since couple of hours ago, and I think ending things properly is right for me... That's what I've wanted for a while, but hadn't had the courage to do. I just hope my sponsor will be understanding in this, that's what still bothers me a little, but I hope to come to terms with my actions soon.
Hey Aline - My ESH only. Al-Anon is about recovery. Sponsors exist to guide, not lead. I've recently had an experience in my group where everyone's controlling nature came to the surface and our group has exploded. I've always been told that when we know - we know. I read your post and sense that you wanted to be free to work this program as best you can and didn't want the 'baggage' of this hanging relationship distracting your mind. No good sponsor I know would ever penalize a sponsee for choosing freedom from baggage that was holding one back.
What I love about my sponsor is that she's gentle. I was not a gentle soul and am still more of an 'in your face' gal. Her style has shown me a different way and given me more willingness to try gentle - in all my affairs. I've been a rebel since I could walk, so would not do well in Al-Anon with a sponsor who acted like a task master. I needed that style for the other side of this program but it's life/death there or that's what I was told and now believe.
I tend to cringe when I hear, "You shouldn't have done that......" or "You should ......." because both suggest control and/or controlling behavior and that's one of my defects I've been working to leave behind. I have no issue with suggestions yet I believe our program works best when members get to work with their higher power and heal/deal through trial and error.
I have not always followed what my sponsor suggests. She's so graceful, she's never even called me on it. She's even patient enough to have listened to my complaining when my way went south. Yet each side step I've taken, and each side issue I've faced has taught me more about me, recovery, my attitudes, my fears, etc. So - the way I see it....no harm and no foul in doing what felt like the best next thing for you today.
Good luck with your sponsor meeting tomorrow - sending tons of positive thoughts and prayers your way!!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 12th of December 2017 04:45:47 PM