So, ABF is in relapse. He's delusional, thinking it's just a lapse. He believes the group CBT is working. He promised to get individual CBT.
I don't believe him. I've heard it too many times. So, the dilemma...
If I leave him...
I have to deal with the guilt of making him homeless
I have to look after the dog all on my own - which is hard as I have some late nights at work coming up
I have to accept that it will take me a very long time to meet anyone else - partly because of the dog, partly because I have been so damaged by the relationship; partly because I work such long hours.
I will be very lonely because I will live alone and I can't go out in evenings to meet friends because of the dog.
If I stay...
I have to accept that more holidays will be ruined by his drinking
I have to accept the chaos and lack of predictability that comes with living with an alcoholic
I have to accept a relationship that doesn't fulfil my needs
I was hoping that after being hospitalised and his parents finding out how bad it was that this time it would stick. But it hasn't.
So now I have some big thinking to do. Any experiences from people would be gratefully received.
Rx
I have to accept that weekends
Mattie said
Dec 11, 2017
I was hesitant and fearful about leaving my A - and amazingly, it was peaceful and wonderful.
I had a few lonely days - but they were LESS lonely than I felt staying in a house with someone I couldn't rely on or have a sober conversation with.
I had a little trouble coping with my responsibilities, including being a single parent of a toddler - but it was LESS trouble than I'd had trying to manage the chaos of an alcoholic.
And because I wasn't occupied 24/7 with trying to live life with a resident alcoholic, I had a chance to develop a larger support system.
About your doggie - would you hire someone who would come over and be drunk, to 'look after' the dog? If not, maybe your A is not the guy to look after the dog anyway.
If he were hit by a car and hospitalized for six months, I bet you would find a solution for dog care. Maybe look for that solution now?
Take good care of yourself!
MizzB said
Dec 11, 2017
Thank you Mattie, You are right. I was all resolved to the solution of a dog walker last time when he was drinking heavily before and I was preparing to have him leave. I just have to mentally get to that place again. not a happy time of year to be doing it but I need to focus on the good that can come out of a situation not the bad.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 11, 2017
Hugs MB,
Not sure how long you have been coming to terms with your situation, a few things here, what does your sponsor suggest? That's first and foremost. I really had to come to terms with I would never say the right magic thing to cause my XAH to see the light of his destruction in our lives. He still to this day puts that 100% on me. What alanon gave me was the ability to look at my situation in a different way vs the same way I had always done.
OK .. yes, it will be lonely, I personally found living with my XAH to be a very lonely experience because we did not share any of the same thing .. he was a body and warm however he was nothing more than that to me and I was nothing more than that to him. So what are you getting out of staying? I'm not saying to leave I am asking have you looked at the situation from the stand point of pro's and con's and bottom line if nothing changes from here on out and this is as good as it gets on his sobriety side of things .. is this enough for you? Then I tried to work on a plan and I did not have my ducks in a row, my HP did for me what I could not do for myself and it no longer was a choice. The insanity of the disease was just that .. insanity that I no longer wanted to participate in and I did for far to long.
I am also coming at it from the stand point of I did a fearless moral inventory of me and my own situation and decided I needed something different. I was dying within the relationship. Again me, and where I expand vs decrease. It became less about my XAH and more about my survival because of my kids.
IMHO, you are not "making" him homeless his choices have made him that way. He doesn't have to be homeless he can return to treatment. You have to figure out how to reconcile those emotions for you.
I hope you will come back here and continue to find a way to work on yourself. None of this is easy and that's putting it mildly.
Hugs S :)
Aline said
Dec 11, 2017
Hi, MizzB, I'm so sorry you're dealing with a relapse on top of everything else. What helps me, especially what I've begun to do in the recent weeks, is to pray when I don't know what to do / not do and ask a power greater than myself to let me know its will for me and to give me the power to carry it out and to show me the next right step. I do this throughout the day and it helps me... I'm a lot calmer/serene, and that's my private miracle...
While some things may be fairly certain, the future really is not knowable, not to people. If it were, I'd probably be institutionalized long ago with what I predicted for myself, it was all doom and gloom and craziness and terrible things I feared. I have some of it written down, I wrote a diary just when I started with Alanon... One of my fears was like yours, I was afraid of being/staying alone and lonely. Already this fear has been, if not completely removed, than lessened to a negligible size, because I truly do not think I will be lonely anymore... not with the fellowship and the fact that I'm slowly learning to communicate openly with people again.
Leaving or staying is a very big decision... One of the best suggestions in this regard I received right here on MIP was when a member shared - you'll know when you'll know. And really the time came when I knew.
(((((Hugs))))), keep coming back. Take what you like and leave the rest...
Iamhere said
Dec 11, 2017
(((MizzB))) - I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. I know that when I process with a 'made-up' end date in mind, I close myself off to all the options available. I too, when in doubt, often pause, pray and process. My sponsor has been extremely helpful in directing me to making decisions that suit my life plan as well as suit my heart.
There is no doubt of delusional thinking/behavior when the disease is active. We've had our fair-share here too. I have made my sons depart and even took one to the homeless shelter twice, and then they've now asked him not to return. If you opt to break things off, you are not making him homeless - it's his choices that contributed to his consequences.
It's a tough, tough place to be at so I do hope you are taking good care of you.
Maresie said
Dec 11, 2017
I have a dog. I.dont find it too limiting
I think it is great you are not dependent.
The stay/leave.dilemma gets easier the better you take care of yourself.
The most important thing is.that you stop.beating yourself.up.
I had all these maxims I.had to have. I.had to have a relationship. I.had to have a shared home. I.had to have #someone#.
The most important person you need.is yourself.
I have no one.to help.me with my.dog either.
I got to.a place where I.can take.him to work.3.days a.week.
I.am glad I.have him.
Maresie
mamalioness said
Dec 12, 2017
Woooah, WHO caused him to be homeless??? are you his mom?? Is he a dependent minor, helpless child??? and what about you??? I see you as just the poor girl he was lucky enough to get but tossed away with his horrid behavior...I see by your posts, you have been MORE than patient, and MORE than kind....My friend, you don't have the power to change another person's life (homelessness) that is in HIS driveway, not yours........Doggie is no problem, plenty of dog walker -dog lovers around, i am sure if you look to help you...I have two dogs and when I left AH#2, I had FOUR...they never hindered me in anything I really wanted to do.....as to meeting someone else?? why not fall in love with you first, work 6 months in program..find yourself, then be "open" to a new, sober, nice guy......as to damage by relationship?? all the more reason to swear off men for a while and swear onto the program till you find the real you and the lonely???? i would go to meets..make friends with healthier people...join a gym or get out and do something, go for a bike ride or walks...its fun and you get to chat up very interesting people....you can get around this when you are really ready....are you ready to claim you??? claim the life you deserve??? when you are, you will get into meetings or online meets and just work on you...work the steps, get to know and reclaim you....
and yea if you stay, more wrecked holidays and we never know how much life we have left, so why keep wasting it on someone who is a non-keeper???? and why accept chaos and unpredictability when you can find the opposite in Al-anon meets and working on you, doing program and find sober friends....and why accept a relationship that does not meet your needs...why punish you??? and thats what I did so I know how you feel??? mis-placed responsibility for a grown man who was NOT my dependent child, but I was sure it would be my fault if I walked and something happens to him.....I do NOT have that kind of power to "wreck" anothers life, IF they don't allow me to......I know what it means to hope, but to "hope" for a not yet ready to recover addict is an unrealistic expectation/hope.....
I have been where you are at now, and I had to hurt enough to decide "ENOUGH" i am outta here and I drug me into recovery....yea, For some reason, I didn't think I deserved anyone better, I didn't "know me" enough to even KNOW how to care for me and oh yea, damaged by growing up with this freakin disease, I married it TWICE until finally I asked me "how long are you gonna punish yourself???" I mean really I sat down and cried and asked my self..."how long are you gonna keep letting yourself be punished??? haven't you had enough???" and as I asked me that, I cried....I wept!! I told him AA for him and Al-anon for me or we are done.....and he was the 2nd one and he was NICE to me but how many wrecked weekends b/c he was drunk and we couldn't go hang out with our friends, and the cops pulling him over, driving drunk, and the puking at night because he drank too much, and the messed up other stuff he did, he did NOT want to recover.....I wanted recovery---he did not---end of marriage because by hook or by crook, I was gonna be in a better place if i had to be alone...and for the first YEAR in recovery, I declined date offers because I didn't trust me yet to do that...I wanted to have worked the steps enough, I wanted to know who I was, what I wanted, what I didn't want, etc., I wanted to KNOW ME!!!! a lot of people who did not support me in my quest to get better I had to cut loose..some permanent..some temporary, but I was so sick and so damaged by alcoholcs my whole life, I was gonna get better and the only way was to change ME...make drastic changes, too, but I was willing to do whatever it took to get healthy and STAY healthy and attract healthy people in my life and smell out the unhealthy ones and pass them by....it has taken a lot of work but I am worth it....I have been alone, save for a few dates here adn there, post recovery, but no serious guys and its OK..I am OK with me and its a hell of a lot better then getting someone who is not "evenly yoked" with me as they say.....Being alone does not have to mean lonely...I go to the gym..hang out with my friends...I DO life for me...I am not where I want to be, but I am a hell of a lot better than I used to be.....You can do this when you are ready and when you start the meetings and steps and slogans, its a whole new world...trust me, i made some great friends through recovery....you can too
MizzB said
Dec 12, 2017
Thank you all for your replies. The decision to make is a very hard one. Logic and emotion are strong antagonists. I know logically I'm not making him homeless, it's my hard work and saving that means I own my own flat. He hasn't sacrificed like I have so that was his choice. Emotion sees his desk in the corner (I've always lived with him in this flat) and would find it hard to see that every day empty. Logic says my dog is ok, and I can get a dog walker - that's why I got a trainer in September when it was really bad before - but emotionally I fear having to walk her before work on top of my job (which curerntly he does).. Logic says the relationship isn't all that great - we haven't been intimate in months - emotion focuses on the times when he's sober and we get on really well. He's a good companion to me. We have fun when he's not drinking. Logic says I would make more effort to meet people if I was alone, emotion tells me I'm a difficult person to get to know and constantly tired or working.
The last time it was bad I had it all worked out in my head - how I was going to rearrange the bedroom so it was just mine; the furniture I would keep and the furniture I would replace. I have come out of that mindset as I'm tired from work. I will get in it again if I have to. I still am being convinced by him that he is trying to stop drinking. I don't know if it makes me the biggest fool in the world.
He's gone to a hotel for the week now so I can practice being single. He says he'll come back and sort out the dog in the morning. but that he won't see me as he'll be drinking and trying to come off it. I don't believe this because I know when he goes to a hotel he just carries on drinking so I'll get in the practice of being on my own, without the chaos and see how it goes. At the moment it's a relief.
I know that doesn't cover everything everyone has said. I do appreciate and have read every comment and I think you probably know more than anyone how much each comment means to me.I know I'm too tired and run down now to make any decisions. It would be very tempting right now to sell my flat, quit work and move back in with my parents. Those thoughts have been running through my mind frequently. But I love my flat and my city and my dog and I have to have the job to keep those. So I'm going to take this time to try and take some mental space. Fight through work to the end of term (next Thursday) when I can take some time to recover, make some meetings, sleep and do some thinking.
Iamhere said
Dec 12, 2017
(((MizzB))) - do what you can to enjoy the here and now. I've been where you are and it feels overwhelming when I looked at it 'whole'. When those who came before me in Al-Anon suggested I just focus on today, it really did help. Sending positive thoughts for a peaceful week!
So, ABF is in relapse. He's delusional, thinking it's just a lapse. He believes the group CBT is working. He promised to get individual CBT.
I don't believe him. I've heard it too many times. So, the dilemma...
If I leave him...
I have to deal with the guilt of making him homeless
I have to look after the dog all on my own - which is hard as I have some late nights at work coming up
I have to accept that it will take me a very long time to meet anyone else - partly because of the dog, partly because I have been so damaged by the relationship; partly because I work such long hours.
I will be very lonely because I will live alone and I can't go out in evenings to meet friends because of the dog.
If I stay...
I have to accept that more holidays will be ruined by his drinking
I have to accept the chaos and lack of predictability that comes with living with an alcoholic
I have to accept a relationship that doesn't fulfil my needs
I was hoping that after being hospitalised and his parents finding out how bad it was that this time it would stick. But it hasn't.
So now I have some big thinking to do. Any experiences from people would be gratefully received.
Rx
I have to accept that weekends
I was hesitant and fearful about leaving my A - and amazingly, it was peaceful and wonderful.
I had a few lonely days - but they were LESS lonely than I felt staying in a house with someone I couldn't rely on or have a sober conversation with.
I had a little trouble coping with my responsibilities, including being a single parent of a toddler - but it was LESS trouble than I'd had trying to manage the chaos of an alcoholic.
And because I wasn't occupied 24/7 with trying to live life with a resident alcoholic, I had a chance to develop a larger support system.
About your doggie - would you hire someone who would come over and be drunk, to 'look after' the dog? If not, maybe your A is not the guy to look after the dog anyway.
If he were hit by a car and hospitalized for six months, I bet you would find a solution for dog care. Maybe look for that solution now?
Take good care of yourself!
Not sure how long you have been coming to terms with your situation, a few things here, what does your sponsor suggest? That's first and foremost. I really had to come to terms with I would never say the right magic thing to cause my XAH to see the light of his destruction in our lives. He still to this day puts that 100% on me. What alanon gave me was the ability to look at my situation in a different way vs the same way I had always done.
OK .. yes, it will be lonely, I personally found living with my XAH to be a very lonely experience because we did not share any of the same thing .. he was a body and warm however he was nothing more than that to me and I was nothing more than that to him. So what are you getting out of staying? I'm not saying to leave I am asking have you looked at the situation from the stand point of pro's and con's and bottom line if nothing changes from here on out and this is as good as it gets on his sobriety side of things .. is this enough for you? Then I tried to work on a plan and I did not have my ducks in a row, my HP did for me what I could not do for myself and it no longer was a choice. The insanity of the disease was just that .. insanity that I no longer wanted to participate in and I did for far to long.
I am also coming at it from the stand point of I did a fearless moral inventory of me and my own situation and decided I needed something different. I was dying within the relationship. Again me, and where I expand vs decrease. It became less about my XAH and more about my survival because of my kids.
IMHO, you are not "making" him homeless his choices have made him that way. He doesn't have to be homeless he can return to treatment. You have to figure out how to reconcile those emotions for you.
I hope you will come back here and continue to find a way to work on yourself. None of this is easy and that's putting it mildly.
Hugs S :)
While some things may be fairly certain, the future really is not knowable, not to people. If it were, I'd probably be institutionalized long ago with what I predicted for myself, it was all doom and gloom and craziness and terrible things I feared. I have some of it written down, I wrote a diary just when I started with Alanon... One of my fears was like yours, I was afraid of being/staying alone and lonely. Already this fear has been, if not completely removed, than lessened to a negligible size, because I truly do not think I will be lonely anymore... not with the fellowship and the fact that I'm slowly learning to communicate openly with people again.
Leaving or staying is a very big decision... One of the best suggestions in this regard I received right here on MIP was when a member shared - you'll know when you'll know. And really the time came when I knew.
(((((Hugs))))), keep coming back. Take what you like and leave the rest...
There is no doubt of delusional thinking/behavior when the disease is active. We've had our fair-share here too. I have made my sons depart and even took one to the homeless shelter twice, and then they've now asked him not to return. If you opt to break things off, you are not making him homeless - it's his choices that contributed to his consequences.
It's a tough, tough place to be at so I do hope you are taking good care of you.
I have a dog. I.dont find it too limiting
I think it is great you are not dependent.
The stay/leave.dilemma gets easier the better you take care of yourself.
The most important thing is.that you stop.beating yourself.up.
I had all these maxims I.had to have. I.had to have a relationship. I.had to have a shared home. I.had to have #someone#.
The most important person you need.is yourself.
I have no one.to help.me with my.dog either.
I got to.a place where I.can take.him to work.3.days a.week.
I.am glad I.have him.
Maresie
The last time it was bad I had it all worked out in my head - how I was going to rearrange the bedroom so it was just mine; the furniture I would keep and the furniture I would replace. I have come out of that mindset as I'm tired from work. I will get in it again if I have to. I still am being convinced by him that he is trying to stop drinking. I don't know if it makes me the biggest fool in the world.
He's gone to a hotel for the week now so I can practice being single. He says he'll come back and sort out the dog in the morning. but that he won't see me as he'll be drinking and trying to come off it. I don't believe this because I know when he goes to a hotel he just carries on drinking so I'll get in the practice of being on my own, without the chaos and see how it goes. At the moment it's a relief.
I know that doesn't cover everything everyone has said. I do appreciate and have read every comment and I think you probably know more than anyone how much each comment means to me.I know I'm too tired and run down now to make any decisions. It would be very tempting right now to sell my flat, quit work and move back in with my parents. Those thoughts have been running through my mind frequently. But I love my flat and my city and my dog and I have to have the job to keep those. So I'm going to take this time to try and take some mental space. Fight through work to the end of term (next Thursday) when I can take some time to recover, make some meetings, sleep and do some thinking.