So here I am learning yet another lesson about living with an AH! And yes learning a lot about myself.
I got the heads up from child that AH had been drinking again (over a month of "trying" to stay sober, after coming back into the house after being asked to leave) Child explained how AH was found passed out on the couch. Found pop bottles (AH doesn't drink pop for fun) and how the smell of booze was very clear.
I could tell that AH was "pretendin" to be a sober adult, all the mannerisms told me otherwise. I was of course annoyed.
I turned to my support as a way to vent my frustrations.......problem was I sent the text to wrong person! I sent it to AH by mistake!!
As soon as I heard his phone go off I knew instantly what I had done! No going back now, there was a reason that text went to him. So I buckled up for the bumpy ride.
Of course AH was beyond mad.....really I can't be upset that he got mad, who wouldn't be.
It was the things he said that followed the text......how he can't do anything right to please me! When another child asked AH a question....AH said ask mother she has all the f-ing answers. Followed by in two weeks I need to find a place to live....Christmas eve!!
I never said a back to him the long time. Sat for two hours in my own lost thoughts. When I went to bed, I stopped at this side like I always do to give the traditional good night kiss, he never moved, I stood, he looked up at me, with red hot anger in his eyes, I walked away.
This morning, not a single word was exchanged, and as he left for work, he stopped at my side, to give me the tradional good bye kiss.....one fast peck. That ment nothing more than doing it out of habit!
Today will spent trying to get my head back, let go of the anger I have. Try and figure out a way to let it go....all of this crap I'm holding on to at this moment. And to figure out what lesson I was supposed to learn from all this........besides make sure you text the right person!!
Thanks for letting me share
Iamhere said
Dec 11, 2017
(((Curly))) - sending you thoughts and prayers. Your plan sounds solid - don't forget to be gentle with self. I had to be reminded often and still have to be told that I am human and I will never be perfect. (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Dec 11, 2017
((Curly)) Maybe try to get to a meeting as well. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
Lyne said
Dec 11, 2017
Curly-You have a full plate and a difficult life situation. What I learned in program was to take care of myself first (except for kids), get stronger, improve my self-worth, learn to detach, and a host of other things. Sending the text to AH was probably meant to be. Anyway, focus on yourself and kids, soak in as much program as you have time for (do you have a sponsor, have you worked the steps) and the rest will unfold over time. I learned not to pressure myself about what to do and what decisions to make, Lyne
SerenityRUS said
Dec 11, 2017
Hugs,
I will admit I snorted laughing reading your plight only because I did the same dang thing on one more than one time. The results could be messy however once in a blue moon a good conversation came out of it.
All I can say is sometimes HP has a wicked sense of humor and does for us what we can't do for ourselves. There are things I actually did need to talk to my XAH about that came out in other ways which is not always a bad thing. I am sorry that your AH's feelings were hurt however at the same time stuff happens and it's certainly not something I see you doing on purpose or out of malice. You do have a right to verbalize your feelings and you were trying to do it the appropriate way the message was deviated and came out in a different way.
I realize now that I protected my AH from a lot of what I was feeling and appropriate sharing is ok. Knowing when and how is a different issue. Please be gentle take it as a lesson learned and I am under constant reminder send is not my friend .. LOL.
Big hugs :)
Mattie said
Dec 11, 2017
He 'can't do anything right to please you'! Hahahahaha! As if 'staying sober for an entire day and not passing out on the sofa' is asking for something ridiculous! "I just have a little lapse of consciousness and you get annoyed! Such a triviality!" Boy, their grip on reality is so tiny...
Keep on taking good care of yourself!
Curlyblu said
Dec 12, 2017
To add to the "rest of the story"
I had a meeting with my addictions councellor yesterday. It was a rough one after I explained what has been going on. Asking what I wanted to do about the situation and so on. I know I wanted to call him up and tell him not to come AGAIN! For whatever reason I don't seem to have the nerve to do it this time. What's different this time I can't figure out. I said I was going to do it, I needed to. I get home, and all I could do was send a text and say we need to talk. Of course that text has gone completely unanswered. Surprised, no.
I have to come accept I can't control what he does or says. I can't think I know what he is thinking. Does it matter what he is thinking, no. I can "assume" the reasons why he hasn't answered my text....but what does that do for me, makes me feel worse.
If do make the call, and he ignores it, I'll be furious that again I go unheard.
What will giving him an ultimatum really do? You can not come home with "I can do this on my own", untill you are ready to commit with getting real help, councelling, rehab and AA, I do not want you home. Is this ultimatum, not trying to control something I can not control?
I know there is so many others in a situation that can be related to mine. I just feel so alone right now. Even with my supports to talk to. I have this empty feeling sitting inside.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 12, 2017
Outside perspective .. guilt and a sense of over sense of responsibility. Sit with your feelings however look at them without being attached .. a healthy amount of guilt is a moral compass .. Outside of that is a way to punish myself. I get into situations where I feel like "bad" S the reality is I see things differently it doesn't make me "bad". There is no reason to JADE how you feel .. feelings aren't facts. Hugs s :)
Iamhere said
Dec 12, 2017
(((Curly))) - I am sorry you feel alone and so can relate. That is where the meetings, sponsor and fellowship really gave me some peace - you aren't alone nor was I - it just feels that way as this disease suggests we need to isolate to process and figure it out.
There are no easy answers with this disease yet for me, things became more clear when I focused on my needs, my recovery and my program. Keep coming back!
Curlyblu said
Dec 13, 2017
So AH did come home last night after working away for monday and tuesday. I never did get up the nerve to ask him not to come home. I wasn't expecting him to come home actually. But he did.
So he was, it wasn't a good feeling. He sat at the table with his back turned to me while he ate. And stayed sitting like that till I went to bed. Why did he even come home is beyond me.
I didn't let it keep me awake, and play games in my mind last night.
This is where I'm sitting right now....... no clue where is relationship sits. No clue if he still wants to work on his soberity.
Mediation has really helped me. It's a start.
2HP said
Dec 13, 2017
Heres what I just read:
when he acted like "this"....
you didn't lose sleep... it didn't consume your mind....
those are miracles, (((my friend)))
Regarding the future, NONE of us know what the future looks like, even when we "think" we do, lol! This is how faith is developed, the belief that the universe is unfolding just the way it should, in God's perfect timing.
Aren't you glad we don't have to do this alone?!! We have a worldwide fellowship to sit with us in our discomfort.
You are doing so great.... just staying in the day... just focusing on where you're finding your peace... I am wildly applauding all of that, wow!
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 13th of December 2017 08:20:14 PM
Jerry F said
Dec 13, 2017
Curlyblu believe it or not what you are going thru is part of the process toward recovery...he is also feeling the pain and it is messing with his drinking and thinking...it will not leave him alone and if it works as I have heard and seen it work with so many of my recovering alcoholic friends he will (or will not) make the attempt at changing the things he can.
He's not stupid he's drunk. He has a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and his disease is so very cunning, powerful and baffling. He needs a Higher Power just as you do and all of us.
I am holding you and he up to my Higher Power also. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
So here I am learning yet another lesson about living with an AH! And yes learning a lot about myself.
I got the heads up from child that AH had been drinking again (over a month of "trying" to stay sober, after coming back into the house after being asked to leave) Child explained how AH was found passed out on the couch. Found pop bottles (AH doesn't drink pop for fun) and how the smell of booze was very clear.
I could tell that AH was "pretendin" to be a sober adult, all the mannerisms told me otherwise. I was of course annoyed.
I turned to my support as a way to vent my frustrations.......problem was I sent the text to wrong person! I sent it to AH by mistake!!
As soon as I heard his phone go off I knew instantly what I had done! No going back now, there was a reason that text went to him. So I buckled up for the bumpy ride.
Of course AH was beyond mad.....really I can't be upset that he got mad, who wouldn't be.
It was the things he said that followed the text......how he can't do anything right to please me! When another child asked AH a question....AH said ask mother she has all the f-ing answers. Followed by in two weeks I need to find a place to live....Christmas eve!!
I never said a back to him the long time. Sat for two hours in my own lost thoughts. When I went to bed, I stopped at this side like I always do to give the traditional good night kiss, he never moved, I stood, he looked up at me, with red hot anger in his eyes, I walked away.
This morning, not a single word was exchanged, and as he left for work, he stopped at my side, to give me the tradional good bye kiss.....one fast peck. That ment nothing more than doing it out of habit!
Today will spent trying to get my head back, let go of the anger I have. Try and figure out a way to let it go....all of this crap I'm holding on to at this moment. And to figure out what lesson I was supposed to learn from all this........besides make sure you text the right person!!
Thanks for letting me share
I will admit I snorted laughing reading your plight only because I did the same dang thing on one more than one time. The results could be messy however once in a blue moon a good conversation came out of it.
All I can say is sometimes HP has a wicked sense of humor and does for us what we can't do for ourselves. There are things I actually did need to talk to my XAH about that came out in other ways which is not always a bad thing. I am sorry that your AH's feelings were hurt however at the same time stuff happens and it's certainly not something I see you doing on purpose or out of malice. You do have a right to verbalize your feelings and you were trying to do it the appropriate way the message was deviated and came out in a different way.
I realize now that I protected my AH from a lot of what I was feeling and appropriate sharing is ok. Knowing when and how is a different issue. Please be gentle take it as a lesson learned and I am under constant reminder send is not my friend .. LOL.
Big hugs :)
He 'can't do anything right to please you'! Hahahahaha! As if 'staying sober for an entire day and not passing out on the sofa' is asking for something ridiculous! "I just have a little lapse of consciousness and you get annoyed! Such a triviality!" Boy, their grip on reality is so tiny...
Keep on taking good care of yourself!
To add to the "rest of the story"
I had a meeting with my addictions councellor yesterday. It was a rough one after I explained what has been going on. Asking what I wanted to do about the situation and so on. I know I wanted to call him up and tell him not to come AGAIN! For whatever reason I don't seem to have the nerve to do it this time. What's different this time I can't figure out. I said I was going to do it, I needed to. I get home, and all I could do was send a text and say we need to talk. Of course that text has gone completely unanswered. Surprised, no.
I have to come accept I can't control what he does or says. I can't think I know what he is thinking. Does it matter what he is thinking, no. I can "assume" the reasons why he hasn't answered my text....but what does that do for me, makes me feel worse.
If do make the call, and he ignores it, I'll be furious that again I go unheard.
What will giving him an ultimatum really do? You can not come home with "I can do this on my own", untill you are ready to commit with getting real help, councelling, rehab and AA, I do not want you home. Is this ultimatum, not trying to control something I can not control?
I know there is so many others in a situation that can be related to mine. I just feel so alone right now. Even with my supports to talk to. I have this empty feeling sitting inside.
There are no easy answers with this disease yet for me, things became more clear when I focused on my needs, my recovery and my program. Keep coming back!
So AH did come home last night after working away for monday and tuesday. I never did get up the nerve to ask him not to come home. I wasn't expecting him to come home actually. But he did.
So he was, it wasn't a good feeling. He sat at the table with his back turned to me while he ate. And stayed sitting like that till I went to bed. Why did he even come home is beyond me.
I didn't let it keep me awake, and play games in my mind last night.
This is where I'm sitting right now....... no clue where is relationship sits. No clue if he still wants to work on his soberity.
Mediation has really helped me. It's a start.
Heres what I just read:
when he acted like "this"....
you didn't lose sleep... it didn't consume your mind....
those are miracles, (((my friend)))
Regarding the future, NONE of us know what the future looks like, even when we "think" we do, lol! This is how faith is developed, the belief that the universe is unfolding just the way it should, in God's perfect timing.
Aren't you glad we don't have to do this alone?!! We have a worldwide fellowship to sit with us in our discomfort.
You are doing so great.... just staying in the day... just focusing on where you're finding your peace... I am wildly applauding all of that, wow!
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 13th of December 2017 08:20:14 PM
Curlyblu believe it or not what you are going thru is part of the process toward recovery...he is also feeling the pain and it is messing with his drinking and thinking...it will not leave him alone and if it works as I have heard and seen it work with so many of my recovering alcoholic friends he will (or will not) make the attempt at changing the things he can.
He's not stupid he's drunk. He has a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and his disease is so very cunning, powerful and baffling. He needs a Higher Power just as you do and all of us.
I am holding you and he up to my Higher Power also. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))