...unless you live with an alcoholic. BF is still in recovery (he's out tonight so that may very well change) but there are now frequent events where there is drinking and drunks using peer pressure to try to get him to drink.
I don't understand what his barrier is to just saying "I don't drink" but apparently it's too hard. he cant/won't explain why it's so hard to take that step. I am angry at the peer pressure that makes it ok to try to force people into drinking. I'm angry that he can't just say he doesn't drink and that he feels like he has to drink to fit in. I"m worried that if he drinks today then that's going to be christmas ruined (he can't stop once he starts) again.
And I'm tired. Really tired. It's been a long term in my job. I'm giving everything I have to the children I teach and they still demand more. Our relationship is still all about him - only now it's about his recovery. I just want a normal life for a bit.
But these are the choices I've made...
Maresie said
Dec 7, 2017
A'A has alcathons around the holidays.
The holidays are a time when people tend to drink.more.
Sometimes newly.sober people have to find new social.actovitoes.
I know one of the reasons I.found many.social events at Christmas hard is everyone was drunk. I.do not drink.
Saying no is a new concept.for some people. In the AA program there is a lot of help to say no. But Alcathons are not held too often (that is a meeting every hour for usually 24 hours)
I hope this group can help you find ways to take care of yourself no matter what he does. Number one suggestion is to not beat yourself up. Number two find ways to give yourself #me# time. I never used to get much if that over the holiday.
Number three: You can use the chat room and meeting room here. Number four: Don't take it personally. Alcoholics drink when times are good and times are bad. They do not always have a reason. Their drinking is not a reflection on you.
Number five: It is okay to say no. There are often repercussions to saying no but you can JADE it. Don't justify Argue explain or defend.
Maresie
Iamhere said
Dec 8, 2017
(((MizzB))) - the holidays are trying times for many of us. My best course of action when I am 'lost in life' is to step up my own program. I don't honestly understand how it works to center me, yet it does. Sending you and yours tons of hugs, positive thoughts and prayers.
Skorpi said
Dec 8, 2017
(((MizzB))) What IamHere said. I was going to say basically the same thing.
I have been struggling with my wife and her choices of late. She hasn't consumed that I know of, but she is choosing to go and sit in bars after work. Not a good choice, in my opinion. She's allowing herself to fall into a pattern of sofa-sitting cell-phone obsessed behavior at home. There are times when her actions, behaviors, etc. are very much like what they were when she was consuming, even though she hasn't been (which I know because of the intoxalock in her car - the car doesn't start or go if she doesn't pass the tests). Last week, I decided to step up my meetings and add a Thursday meeting. It made a HUGE difference, because it got me out of the house and away from the behaviors, and I am able to focus on myself and what I want and need instead of worrying about her and what she is deciding to do. Bonuses thus far are that I get my grocery shopping done on Thursday before the meeting (Aldi and the meeting are in the same town, yay!), I get to do the shopping alone, so it takes me 20 minutes instead of 6 hours, and I have more free time on the weekends because I am not needing to go shopping!
I do get upset often about her lack of help at home. (Imagine, some people have partners who do more than work part time and sit on the sofa!) I'm still working through that. So far, what has helped most is muttering slogans under my breath as I do the dishes or laundry or whatever. Hoping to turn that into something more positive soon, lol!
Positive thoughts on their way to you
David 1960 said
Dec 8, 2017
Hang in there. I am dreading Christmas as well knowing that my wife will decend into hell and try and take me and family with her.
mamalioness said
Dec 9, 2017
I agree...I would be stepping up on my program: meets, chatting up fellow recovery mates, healthy allies and friends to get me on the level ground and keep me there....Holidays can be brutal..ruined times when family should be getting together and sharing love and being together, etc....My girls are out of state, so the holidays are just another day to me, but I go to the gym, hang out with friends, and NO DRINKING!!! so sad that folks have to drink to have fun, especially if they are addicted to the stuff.....take care of yourself
Curtainclimbers said
Dec 10, 2017
For me, the holidays are just a reality check for all my expectations that aren't shared by those around me. The hallmark movies, the childhood memories, all the things I wish I had but can't. I need to step up my meetings and try to quiet the voices in my head that could drive me crazy if I let myself listen. Today I pray for the ability to find some realistic expectations that could lead me to an unexpected yet pleasant holiday memory
MizzB said
Dec 11, 2017
Step up the program. That's what I need to do. At the moment my job is all consuming so I don't have time or energy to go to meetings. I know that is ignoring "me" but I do have a very demanding job. So much so that I'm not sure how much longer I can continue doing it. 18 more months is my aim but I don't know if I can manage that. On top of that having an active alcohol it's very stressful. I'm thinking a lot of thoughts that I shouldn't right now. Thoughts that I should probably get some medication for. SO I'll keep coming back here and have another look for weekend meetings that I can make. Thank you for listening as always.
Maresie said
Dec 12, 2017
Basic recovery is about avoiding drinking. If he is still drink8ing h8s recovery efforts are pretty minimal. If you went to AA meetings you.would see people who go to several meetings a day.
There is no suggestion to confront him here. Confronting an alcoholic is generally not a good idea. But if you want to know what recovery looks like it is at open AA meetings.
Is there some way you can give yourself some respite. Over the holidays I try to give myself a lot of peace and quiet. I put aside all the pressures and take care of myself. That meant I had to change the expectations for myself. Go to a museum take a long lunch break on the weekend.
There are alcathons your A can go to if he deals antsy. AA is on the web. All the meetings are listed. On the website by district.
The holdays are a particularly hard time for some of us in relationships. I really bought into that other people were having wonderful couple time. I start the hol idays with #ME#
time. What I want is the Christmas litmus test. For me that is no longer slaving for others. Nor is it trying to make another person's family happy at the expense of me.
Whether you go to meetings or not you can still work a program
...unless you live with an alcoholic. BF is still in recovery (he's out tonight so that may very well change) but there are now frequent events where there is drinking and drunks using peer pressure to try to get him to drink.
I don't understand what his barrier is to just saying "I don't drink" but apparently it's too hard. he cant/won't explain why it's so hard to take that step. I am angry at the peer pressure that makes it ok to try to force people into drinking. I'm angry that he can't just say he doesn't drink and that he feels like he has to drink to fit in. I"m worried that if he drinks today then that's going to be christmas ruined (he can't stop once he starts) again.
And I'm tired. Really tired. It's been a long term in my job. I'm giving everything I have to the children I teach and they still demand more. Our relationship is still all about him - only now it's about his recovery. I just want a normal life for a bit.
But these are the choices I've made...
A'A has alcathons around the holidays.
The holidays are a time when people tend to drink.more.
Sometimes newly.sober people have to find new social.actovitoes.
I know one of the reasons I.found many.social events at Christmas hard is everyone was drunk. I.do not drink.
Saying no is a new concept.for some people. In the AA program there is a lot of help to say no. But Alcathons are not held too often (that is a meeting every hour for usually 24 hours)
I hope this group can help you find ways to take care of yourself no matter what he does. Number one suggestion is to not beat yourself up. Number two find ways to give yourself #me# time. I never used to get much if that over the holiday.
Number three: You can use the chat room and meeting room here. Number four: Don't take it personally. Alcoholics drink when times are good and times are bad. They do not always have a reason. Their drinking is not a reflection on you.
Number five: It is okay to say no. There are often repercussions to saying no but you can JADE it. Don't justify Argue explain or defend.
Maresie
I have been struggling with my wife and her choices of late. She hasn't consumed that I know of, but she is choosing to go and sit in bars after work. Not a good choice, in my opinion. She's allowing herself to fall into a pattern of sofa-sitting cell-phone obsessed behavior at home. There are times when her actions, behaviors, etc. are very much like what they were when she was consuming, even though she hasn't been (which I know because of the intoxalock in her car - the car doesn't start or go if she doesn't pass the tests). Last week, I decided to step up my meetings and add a Thursday meeting. It made a HUGE difference, because it got me out of the house and away from the behaviors, and I am able to focus on myself and what I want and need instead of worrying about her and what she is deciding to do. Bonuses thus far are that I get my grocery shopping done on Thursday before the meeting (Aldi and the meeting are in the same town, yay!), I get to do the shopping alone, so it takes me 20 minutes instead of 6 hours, and I have more free time on the weekends because I am not needing to go shopping!
I do get upset often about her lack of help at home. (Imagine, some people have partners who do more than work part time and sit on the sofa!) I'm still working through that. So far, what has helped most is muttering slogans under my breath as I do the dishes or laundry or whatever. Hoping to turn that into something more positive soon, lol!
Positive thoughts on their way to you
Basic recovery is about avoiding drinking. If he is still drink8ing h8s recovery efforts are pretty minimal. If you went to AA meetings you.would see people who go to several meetings a day.
There is no suggestion to confront him here. Confronting an alcoholic is generally not a good idea. But if you want to know what recovery looks like it is at open AA meetings.
Is there some way you can give yourself some respite. Over the holidays I try to give myself a lot of peace and quiet. I put aside all the pressures and take care of myself. That meant I had to change the expectations for myself. Go to a museum take a long lunch break on the weekend.
There are alcathons your A can go to if he deals antsy. AA is on the web. All the meetings are listed. On the website by district.
The holdays are a particularly hard time for some of us in relationships. I really bought into that other people were having wonderful couple time. I start the hol idays with #ME#
time. What I want is the Christmas litmus test. For me that is no longer slaving for others. Nor is it trying to make another person's family happy at the expense of me.
Whether you go to meetings or not you can still work a program
Maresie