I went to a AA meeting yesterday and just listened. There was 40 people in the meeting. I was like wow, that is a lot of sick people out there and most were men. I was angry when I was in the meeting and seeing so much men there. I was having anxiety and flashbacks from what the alcoholic did to me recently.  Being in a room with mostly men was very hard for me. I was angry. I am still feeling that way toward men, strangers. I guess its normal reaction for what I just endured, the abuse.  

I am still going through such emotions about what the alcoholic did to me. I am still going through anger, hurt, all those ugly emotions. I am trying really hard not to isolate, as I will get worse. I have to get out as much as I can and not be alone, as my thoughts will kill me and I will do something insane. The alcoholic has to this moment still abided by the court order of no contact or to come to the house. Thank god, I can not tolerate any more drama in my life right now. I need quite and support and get myself back to living. No more Drama! I am done! So things have been so quite and I am so, so, grateful. I am grateful because I have been working on detaching from the alcoholic for some time, moved out of the bedroom, getting to meetings, sharing here,  leaving to a hotel to get some sanity, getting away from him as much as I can.

So now that I am alone in the house, I am feeling good. I do not miss him at all, no, no, no. I realize I love him as he had good, great qualities, but reality and fantasy of what I want, does not work together. I did a fantasy and reality columns on a piece of paper and I saw I was seeing the alcoholic with both eyes, if only he would get help, then my fantasy of life ever after of bliss is possible, if only he would get medication for his depression, his alcoholism, get into therapy, AA, al-anon, he would get better and I can have him all to myself and we would have a blissful life. When I look at this fantasy, is it based on realty? The answer is no, its not based on reality at all. The reality is he must want to get well desperately and would access any and all help out there to get well. Will he do it, most likely not! The reason is I have been with him for the past 3 years and I have tried and tried to get him the support and help he needs and he flat out refuse. He believes work and his passion to be a pastor will be the answer! Impossible. He needs medical attention and until he reaches out for help, there is nothing I can do for him. He is either going to sink or swim, but its up to him. Not my problem. Not my problem. All I know is he is most likely is still drinking and going insane..I mean insane. Again not my problem. 

I am going to a domestic violence group tonight and get some support. I need to. I have changed the locks in the house and I feel better. I have a lot of healing to do yet. I am taking things a day at a time right now and trying to reach out for help as much as I can. I am so grateful for everyone being here and supporting me through all this insanity I had endured. The aftermath is not fun. I will get through it. 

Thanks for letting me share this.                 

((((Joker))))  One of the early behaviors I was taught in Al-Anon by suggestion and practiced at various periods of time during the day was detaching my mind, body, spirit and emotions from "Her" my alcoholic/addict wife and using those times to focus on sanity.  Part of the help came from reading the Al-Anon literature taking subjects from the index at the back of the volumes and reading with focus on them.  After I was done with this practice I would adhere to another scheduled period of reflection on recovery and while I was doing this I turned my wife over to my Higher Power.  It worked because I worked it as I was promised it would.  Be gentle with you...love you as you wish the alcoholic would and keep your hand firmly in the hand of your HP and sponsorship.   ((((hugs)))) In support.