Ive been to 1 alanon meeting and left feeling i have a problem and caring too much is an addiction?? Head is melted !!
Klopp96 said
Dec 6, 2017
Need help understanding this
Klopp96 said
Dec 6, 2017
No one seems to want to comment on this. I dont blame them ha but im hoping someone will. Is caring too much an addiction? Is alanon like a support group for people who are too caring and vunerable?
SerenityRUS said
Dec 6, 2017
You are in the right place welcome. Big hugs. Alanon is for people who love an addict. Have you heard of the term co dependency? You might get some good information on the web and it may make sense. I hope you keep coming back. There will be more responses I'm sure the holidays have slowed things down a bit. Hugs s ;)
CarlyH said
Dec 6, 2017
firstly well done for going. I still havent been to one.
i think in some ways we are addicted to it yes. Thats why we need a group to go to as well as them. I mean we are the ones that feel everything all the time and cant escape it. They do by drinking. Listening to people who feel like us and have come through it has got to help hasnt it
Im just too emotional and angry to go at the minute. Coming on here gives hope.
you Taken a big step going to your first one be proud of yourself
Iamhere said
Dec 6, 2017
Welcome to MIP Klopp96 - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Al-Anon is for anyone who has been affected by the drinking of another - family or friend. It sounds like you heard some things that are making you wonder what's it all about and what's my role.....the best I can think of is to share from my experience.
I have an AH (Alcoholic Husband) and 2 sons who also are both As. When I found Al-Anon, I was a miserable, broken negative person. I woke up anxious, fearful and worried what was going to happen today. I went to bed angry and distracted by what had happened that day. I literally lost myself - mind, heart, body and soul - because of my reactions to the behaviors, words, deeds, etc. of others in my home.
I put their needs, issues, problems, etc. in front of my own. Not sometimes, not often - always. I (distorted thinking) thought this was love. I thought (distorted thinking) I was being of service. I also was miserable not so much because of who they were and what they were/were not doing, but instead because I wanted them to put me first as I was and that was not a reality - the disease was always first.
So - this program helped me put me first. It gave me tools to consider a response to facts instead of reacting and taking everything personally. It gave me back my ability to love me and take good care of me so that I can be of real service to others. It's a lovely characteristic to be caring, but when it becomes obsessing, it's not healthy. Being a sensitive person is also a positive thing, but being overly sensitive and taking everything personally is probably not healthy.
I hope this helps you somewhat. Keep coming back! Glad to hear you tried an Al-Anon meeting!
Lil99 said
Dec 6, 2017
Welcome!
I'm not sure that I can help answer your question much as I'm fairly new to this myself. However I have been to quite a few meetings now.
I have to say I've never left feeling quite like that, although every meeting is different and everyone's experience is different.
I've heard it said that it's recommended you attend 6 meetings, before deciding whether Al-anon is for you. I've been to a lot more than that and still learning lots, every meeting seems to have a little nugget of valuable learning. Also I've found it helpful to go to different meetings as different groups have different dynamics and ways of explaining things. They say take what you like and leave the rest, so I don't tend to worry if there's some stuff I just don't get.
Al-anon groups are there to share experience, strength and hope, so I hope you were able to get some experience strength and hope from your meeting.
Hopefully other more experienced members will be able to help more with your question.
Take care,
Lil x
hotrod said
Dec 6, 2017
Hello Klopp Welcome Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics. I believe that It is not that we care or love too much or are addicted to our loved ones (that may be the case sometimes and only you can answer that} it is that we do not quite know how to express our love and our concern in a healthy fashion.
Empathy, compassion and caring get mixed up in an alcoholic relationship and expressed as controlling, and judgmental. Loving someone unconditionally goes out the window and for our own survival we begin to keep score and that is not love.
Alanon provided me with tools and information that allowed me to love the alcoholic in a healthy fashion while I took care and loved myself . Before program I made my needs and self invisible in order to love another. Today I have learned to love myself and others not by abandoning myself and doing everything for others but to love and care for others as we walk side by side not in front of or behind.
The slogans, the Steps and meetings helped me to develop a healthy view of my actions as I embraced new thoughts, attitudes and ways of being. Pleas do keep coming back there is hope
Maresie said
Dec 6, 2017
I would say itnis the opposite actually because al anon.is a program that is for people who.dont.care enough for themselves. All the xaringncant be for others .
As for being vulnerable al.anon.can certainly help.
The program takes a while to sink it
One good thing is to be clear you have a problem
When I first went to.al.anon.which.was h8ghly recommended to me I didn't feel I.had one. It was many.years before I.found my way back.
It is common to have a lot of feelings in.the first few meetings
There are meetings here. There is also a chat.room.
I would refer to the caring.for others as a process rather than an addiction although it can certainly feel compulsive.
The good news is there are new processes that are not that hard to difficult to learn
Maresie
DavidG said
Dec 6, 2017
Hi J.,
meetings are different from place to place, and we members are too. We always say- "Take what you like and leave the rest."
Did you come away thinking: "am I to blame for the drinking?" I hope not.
Keep listening and talking. None of us is perfect.
But we are all in the same boat. ...
thanks for sharing... it all helps, in the long run. ...
Klopp96 said
Dec 6, 2017
Thanks to everyone for the help support advice. Thanks for sharing your own personal story. Ive been to 1 meeting with about 30people bit overwhelming but ive realised i have a problem and i do put other peoples needs first. I didnt realise its been having as much of an affect on me as it is. Ive been taking on too much responsibility and its draining. I dont feel like im the same person slightly more depressed version of myself and that sucks.
My fiance has anorexia although its not alcoholism i can relate to the addiction in other peoples stories. We have 1yr old son and 2yr old daughter. I also have a 5yr old daughter from a previos relationship.I have given up work to become my fiances carer as things had gotten bad at home. Ive tried to burden the responsibilty of her recovery and the impact on the children as much as i could but im starting to understand its not something i can fix.
Before i became a carer i changed my hours as i thought it would help her illness i was starting work at 5 in the morning while the kids were asleep reducing my hours and not taking lunch breaks finishing work early in the day to get home to support my fiance and help with kids then i would mind the kids on my own in the evening while my fiance went to work.
I was in and out of family law courts fighting for access and gaurdianship to see my 5yr old daughter and i couldnt get support from my fiance because she was fighting or not fighting her illness.
My fiance was working in the evenings to fund a spending addiction which i think triggered because she hasnt dealt with her anorexia.
But i was taking on too much and under an illusion i could cope and i was doing the right thing. I was enabling her eating disorder and not looking after myself.
Im reflecting now why im so vunerable and it probably stems from my childhood. My mam and dad seperated my dad was an alcoholic and never really admitted his illness or has taken full accountability for his actions. I dont think ive dealt with that though ive either blacked it out supressed it. Maybe this is why i have that need to help fix things and be caring.
Looking at the relationships ive had i was with a girl who died of cystic fibrosis. I went out with a girl who suffered from depression. The mother of my 5yr old daughter i had to leave as i believe she had an alcohol problem. I was hurt and manipulated in that relationship and i believe she had all the attributes of a personality disorder which really affected my confidence and isolated me from my family and friends. I had a few dates with a girl who was bipolar and now im engaged to an anorexic with ocd and anxiety depression.
So either im attracted to the crazy women or theres something in me that makes me vunerable. That i think i can fix people.
I need to start looking at myself. Im going to try a different alanon group and hopefully i find one with smaller numbers
hotrod said
Dec 6, 2017
((Klopp)) Great clarity and honesty. You are in the right place. Growing up with the disease we tend to develop negative coping tools that appear to work when we are children but are destructive in adult relationships . keep coming back--- There is hope.
DavidG said
Dec 6, 2017
Klopp96 wrote:
Thanks to everyone for the help support advice.
...you're welcome....
mamalioness said
Dec 7, 2017
I think that empaths CAN love and care in a CoDa or "too much way" but the steps help the Al-anon sort that out..I think for the most part we don't know HOW to love in a healthy way...keeping score (I did this for you, so you need to do that for me) and when the "reimbursement" isn't met, we feel cheated..True love is just to love..to love with NO expectations of a return, however, WHERE did I used to place my love?? was the relationships equal?? Nope!! were my relationships stable??? Nope--booze took care of any stability...was I in an equal, mutual, safe, healthy, give and take relationship??? didn't know what it was...so I kept latching onto emotionally unavailable relationships because that is what I grew up with...My needs and wants didn't only get abandoned, they did not EXIST!!!1 Now, with program, I have the "life 101" manual with the steps, slogans, etc., to SHOW me how to love ME and take care of ME and make sure I am taken care of THEN, I share that self love with safe others and I empathize "safe" because if a person is unsafe?? I need to , with peace, let them go, distance myself, let them walk their separate path apart from me because now I want relationships that are equal and stable and mutual and for the most part a blessing to me.....I dont' abandon me and my truth anymore...I embrace it, stand by it, and if a person is not a match for me, then I accept them as is, but I also leave to walk my separate path......I think the "addiction" part CAN be an addiction to chaos?? the "high" of another crisis??? Can be..We get so used to being in crisis mode, we dont' know how to handle peace mode....I used to get "uncomfortable" when things were peaceful--safe--quiet--serene.....Like "uh oh, when is the next bomb going to be dropped????" because the short spans of peace/serenity I had growing up was only the quiet before the huge bombshell that many times caused injury and bleeding.....NOW i seek that place...to be at peace...to be "OK" in my own skin and where I am at......I am not where I want to be but I am a BIG distance from where I used to be............please keep coming back
Need help understanding this
firstly well done for going. I still havent been to one.
i think in some ways we are addicted to it yes. Thats why we need a group to go to as well as them. I mean we are the ones that feel everything all the time and cant escape it. They do by drinking. Listening to people who feel like us and have come through it has got to help hasnt it
Im just too emotional and angry to go at the minute. Coming on here gives hope.
you Taken a big step going to your first one be proud of yourself
I have an AH (Alcoholic Husband) and 2 sons who also are both As. When I found Al-Anon, I was a miserable, broken negative person. I woke up anxious, fearful and worried what was going to happen today. I went to bed angry and distracted by what had happened that day. I literally lost myself - mind, heart, body and soul - because of my reactions to the behaviors, words, deeds, etc. of others in my home.
I put their needs, issues, problems, etc. in front of my own. Not sometimes, not often - always. I (distorted thinking) thought this was love. I thought (distorted thinking) I was being of service. I also was miserable not so much because of who they were and what they were/were not doing, but instead because I wanted them to put me first as I was and that was not a reality - the disease was always first.
So - this program helped me put me first. It gave me tools to consider a response to facts instead of reacting and taking everything personally. It gave me back my ability to love me and take good care of me so that I can be of real service to others. It's a lovely characteristic to be caring, but when it becomes obsessing, it's not healthy. Being a sensitive person is also a positive thing, but being overly sensitive and taking everything personally is probably not healthy.
I hope this helps you somewhat. Keep coming back! Glad to hear you tried an Al-Anon meeting!
I'm not sure that I can help answer your question much as I'm fairly new to this myself. However I have been to quite a few meetings now.
I have to say I've never left feeling quite like that, although every meeting is different and everyone's experience is different.
I've heard it said that it's recommended you attend 6 meetings, before deciding whether Al-anon is for you. I've been to a lot more than that and still learning lots, every meeting seems to have a little nugget of valuable learning. Also I've found it helpful to go to different meetings as different groups have different dynamics and ways of explaining things. They say take what you like and leave the rest, so I don't tend to worry if there's some stuff I just don't get.
Al-anon groups are there to share experience, strength and hope, so I hope you were able to get some experience strength and hope from your meeting.
Hopefully other more experienced members will be able to help more with your question.
Take care,
Lil x
Hello Klopp Welcome Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics. I believe that It is not that we care or love too much or are addicted to our loved ones (that may be the case sometimes and only you can answer that} it is that we do not quite know how to express our love and our concern in a healthy fashion.
Empathy, compassion and caring get mixed up in an alcoholic relationship and expressed as controlling, and judgmental. Loving someone unconditionally goes out the window and for our own survival we begin to keep score and that is not love.
Alanon provided me with tools and information that allowed me to love the alcoholic in a healthy fashion while I took care and loved myself . Before program I made my needs and self invisible in order to love another. Today I have learned to love myself and others not by abandoning myself and doing everything for others but to love and care for others as we walk side by side not in front of or behind.
The slogans, the Steps and meetings helped me to develop a healthy view of my actions as I embraced new thoughts, attitudes and ways of being. Pleas do keep coming back there is hope
I would say itnis the opposite actually because al anon.is a program that is for people who.dont.care enough for themselves. All the xaringncant be for others .
As for being vulnerable al.anon.can certainly help.
The program takes a while to sink it
One good thing is to be clear you have a problem
When I first went to.al.anon.which.was h8ghly recommended to me I didn't feel I.had one. It was many.years before I.found my way back.
It is common to have a lot of feelings in.the first few meetings
There are meetings here. There is also a chat.room.
I would refer to the caring.for others as a process rather than an addiction although it can certainly feel compulsive.
The good news is there are new processes that are not that hard to difficult to learn
Maresie
Hi J.,
meetings are different from place to place, and we members are too. We always say- "Take what you like and leave the rest."
Did you come away thinking: "am I to blame for the drinking?" I hope not.
Keep listening and talking. None of us is perfect.
But we are all in the same boat.
...
thanks for sharing... it all helps, in the long run.
...
Thanks to everyone for the help support advice. Thanks for sharing your own personal story. Ive been to 1 meeting with about 30people bit overwhelming but ive realised i have a problem and i do put other peoples needs first. I didnt realise its been having as much of an affect on me as it is. Ive been taking on too much responsibility and its draining. I dont feel like im the same person slightly more depressed version of myself and that sucks.
My fiance has anorexia although its not alcoholism i can relate to the addiction in other peoples stories. We have 1yr old son and 2yr old daughter. I also have a 5yr old daughter from a previos relationship.I have given up work to become my fiances carer as things had gotten bad at home. Ive tried to burden the responsibilty of her recovery and the impact on the children as much as i could but im starting to understand its not something i can fix.
Before i became a carer i changed my hours as i thought it would help her illness i was starting work at 5 in the morning while the kids were asleep reducing my hours and not taking lunch breaks finishing work early in the day to get home to support my fiance and help with kids then i would mind the kids on my own in the evening while my fiance went to work.
I was in and out of family law courts fighting for access and gaurdianship to see my 5yr old daughter and i couldnt get support from my fiance because she was fighting or not fighting her illness.
My fiance was working in the evenings to fund a spending addiction which i think triggered because she hasnt dealt with her anorexia.
But i was taking on too much and under an illusion i could cope and i was doing the right thing. I was enabling her eating disorder and not looking after myself.
Im reflecting now why im so vunerable and it probably stems from my childhood. My mam and dad seperated my dad was an alcoholic and never really admitted his illness or has taken full accountability for his actions. I dont think ive dealt with that though ive either blacked it out supressed it. Maybe this is why i have that need to help fix things and be caring.
Looking at the relationships ive had i was with a girl who died of cystic fibrosis. I went out with a girl who suffered from depression. The mother of my 5yr old daughter i had to leave as i believe she had an alcohol problem. I was hurt and manipulated in that relationship and i believe she had all the attributes of a personality disorder which really affected my confidence and isolated me from my family and friends. I had a few dates with a girl who was bipolar and now im engaged to an anorexic with ocd and anxiety depression.
So either im attracted to the crazy women or theres something in me that makes me vunerable. That i think i can fix people.
I need to start looking at myself. Im going to try a different alanon group and hopefully i find one with smaller numbers
((Klopp)) Great clarity and honesty. You are in the right place. Growing up with the disease we tend to develop negative coping tools that appear to work when we are children but are destructive in adult relationships . keep coming back--- There is hope.
I think that empaths CAN love and care in a CoDa or "too much way" but the steps help the Al-anon sort that out..I think for the most part we don't know HOW to love in a healthy way...keeping score (I did this for you, so you need to do that for me) and when the "reimbursement" isn't met, we feel cheated..True love is just to love..to love with NO expectations of a return, however, WHERE did I used to place my love?? was the relationships equal?? Nope!! were my relationships stable??? Nope--booze took care of any stability...was I in an equal, mutual, safe, healthy, give and take relationship??? didn't know what it was...so I kept latching onto emotionally unavailable relationships because that is what I grew up with...My needs and wants didn't only get abandoned, they did not EXIST!!!1 Now, with program, I have the "life 101" manual with the steps, slogans, etc., to SHOW me how to love ME and take care of ME and make sure I am taken care of THEN, I share that self love with safe others and I empathize "safe" because if a person is unsafe?? I need to , with peace, let them go, distance myself, let them walk their separate path apart from me because now I want relationships that are equal and stable and mutual and for the most part a blessing to me.....I dont' abandon me and my truth anymore...I embrace it, stand by it, and if a person is not a match for me, then I accept them as is, but I also leave to walk my separate path......I think the "addiction" part CAN be an addiction to chaos?? the "high" of another crisis??? Can be..We get so used to being in crisis mode, we dont' know how to handle peace mode....I used to get "uncomfortable" when things were peaceful--safe--quiet--serene.....Like "uh oh, when is the next bomb going to be dropped????" because the short spans of peace/serenity I had growing up was only the quiet before the huge bombshell that many times caused injury and bleeding.....NOW i seek that place...to be at peace...to be "OK" in my own skin and where I am at......I am not where I want to be but I am a BIG distance from where I used to be............please keep coming back