AH is shoplifting with our young son - how do I respond?
AnnieFenk321 said
Dec 1, 2017
My husband is shoplifting. He has a history of addiction, recently drinking and for the last year shoplifting has been his biggest issue. He revealed this to me a month ago. When I last checked in with him, he confessed that he has been doing it again and that he now has been doing it even when our toddler year old son is with him.
My work requires that I spend two days working at the office. I have a long commute and so I am gone two days a week and my son is in my husband's care all day. My husband is unemployed and we can't afford to pay for daycare or a babysitter.
I feel on the one hand, that I do not want to cause disruption to our lives and our finances by quitting this job. However, I also feel that it is not safe for my son to be with my husband if there is always a risk he might shoplift and get caught.
I know this group doesn't give advice and that is one of the reasons I keep coming back. I would love it if people could help me see this decision in light of the principles of the program. Before, I would have focused my approach on getting him to change. Now, I know that he will not change based on anything I do. So I know I need to decide based on what I need and what my son needs.
This behaviour isn't affecting me. So if my son were not involved I would be inclined to ignore it, especially as he is actively trying to get psychiatric and psychological help for this problem. I also feel a responsibility towards my son to do whatever is in my power to prevent him being exposed to a situation where his father got arrested while I was far away in another part of the country. In such a situation I do not know if they would leave my son in my husband's care, it seems like a very distressing event for all involved. My husband agrees with this when he is lucid, he understands it would be a very bad thing to happen. Yet, as we all know, he doesn't have control in the moment.
We have no family at all who are able to help.
Options that I have identified include:
Going to stay with friends in another city where I might be able to find someone who would care for my son for free on those days
Asking for money from a charitable organisation for a babysitter to come in and look after my son on the days that my husband had been looking after him.
Quitting the job - I really don't want to do this. It is something I really enjoy and I think it would lead to a lot of resentments
Thank you in advance
Iamhere said
Dec 1, 2017
My best suggestion from a program perspective is to get active in recovery and stay focused on One Day at a Time. For me, I did not realize how often I projected the worst case scenario that never happened. I can certainly understand the concern and the fear yet the program helps us to not live and make choices based on fears, but rather on facts.
Staying in the present - here and now - helps me when I am projecting and planning for 'what ifs'....sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
Jerry F said
Dec 1, 2017
"Getting active in recovery" might also be the only suggestion I'd make based on my own recovery. The Experiences, Strengths and Hopes come from inside the rooms of Al-Anon as I listened to the thousands of shares from thousands of women in recovery and then I am a man!! I was free to duplicate their solutions and to duplicate them with my own best responses...It has all come out so awesomely for me and others around me because my insanity affected everyone I came into contact with. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Dec 1, 2017
I read your post and I think Pause, Pray and Proceed, having a plan A is not a bad idea however no need to create a crisis if there is not one.
One thing that popped out is if your sig other gets caught can you have a friend/you listed as an emergency contact should something happen along that lines? I don't know how that works if you are not around at least then you have the comfort of knowing your child is in a safe place until you get home.
Alanon always has helped me that if plan A didn't work out then at least there were 25 other letters of the alphabet it wasn't anything to obsess about, it helped me to know a plan was in place and should there be an issue the safety of my kids were always first and foremost. HP always seems to find a way.
Big hugs,
S :)
pinkchip said
Dec 2, 2017
Him getting caught shoplifting with your son present would be awful, BUT, even in that scenario, police are not just going to take YOUR kid and what if your husband's bottom comes when he DOES get these consequences? I don't know...another option may be to express yourself clearly to hour husband, then let go and let God. More will be revealed.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 2nd of December 2017 01:16:36 PM
shrnp said
Dec 4, 2017
Hello Annie,
Is there a YMCA near you? Some of them have low cost childcare. They get grants that they can use to help someone. If your husband is caught shop lifting someone will let him call you about your son. We all learn to let go and realize that we cannot stop our loved ones from drinking. That if they fail or have a consequence from their drinking we cannot control that. However, they are adults and what happens to a child is different. It sounds like you have already been thinking about your options and that is good. I hope you find a peaceful solution to your problem.
mamalioness said
Dec 4, 2017
I kinda go with pinkchip here....if hubs gets caught, it may be his wake up call...Kid is probably too young to be impacted, and the police would notify you if hubs got arrested...the child would be safe, for sure......I would, if you can't find another "sitter" just meditate, let go, quiet the mind, and let things evolve as they are supposed to.....not a nice situation, but it could end up a positive.....I do agree that expressing your feelings to your husband would be appropriate..not a long drawn out diatribe, but an expression that this behavior when he is with your child is not acceptable to you.....then let it go.....
Maresie said
Dec 4, 2017
An arrest for shoplifting probably would not involve jail.
Unless it is a big item it is a misdemeanor. He would be citedand released. Depending on where you live that wouldn't even involve a trip to the jail.
There are organizations that help with childcare.
Researching that requires a lot of diligence. Now it's the holidays it is going to be hard to set that all up.
Working so anon can certainly help you. I have certainly been in that place of taking care of stuff. The ex A was supposed to take care of our dogs. He did but they were neglected. It took me a while to get to a place where I took them
Be nice to yourself. It is normal to want to beat yourself up don't do it.
The scenario's you are coming up with are all plan b stuff. If you are married your husband will have te right to joint custody. You can't just take your child out of state.
Custody issues require legal help.
Plan b is best looked at talked about and given a lot of consideration. My plan b was not that great but I was severely depressed at the time. The better the plan b the less worry you will have.
This board and the chat room here are a great place to discuss the plan b. You need people to bounce ideas off.
When I had the ex A look after the dogs (during which tiime I was incredibly generous to him) I was commuting a long way.
It was a stop gap measure. I think he was deluded enough to think I would always help him no matter what. When I finally pulled the plug he was pretty upset. You need to plan for all those repercussions. I knew that was coming so I was ready for him.
Maresie
AnnieFenk321 said
Dec 5, 2017
Hi Maresie,
Thank you for the practical suggestions and shares, I wanted to acknowledge them. I am not in the US, so some of what you said is not applicable but a lot of the sentiment is.
Just so you know, where I am, "another part of the country" is just two hours away and not another jurisdiction - and I was never talking about taking our son without my husband's consent - when he is lucid acknowledges we need to address the issue. I am very grategul for that, at least, that he cares and we are together in hating how things are with him and his addictions
Maresie said
Dec 5, 2017
I am a transplant too. I don't really presume anything
I know what it is to be around someone who says one thing and does another.
I.also know what it is to depend on them.
My parents were no.dependable. I think I have to.work hard to.find out what dependable looks like.
My husband is shoplifting. He has a history of addiction, recently drinking and for the last year shoplifting has been his biggest issue. He revealed this to me a month ago. When I last checked in with him, he confessed that he has been doing it again and that he now has been doing it even when our toddler year old son is with him.
My work requires that I spend two days working at the office. I have a long commute and so I am gone two days a week and my son is in my husband's care all day. My husband is unemployed and we can't afford to pay for daycare or a babysitter.
I feel on the one hand, that I do not want to cause disruption to our lives and our finances by quitting this job. However, I also feel that it is not safe for my son to be with my husband if there is always a risk he might shoplift and get caught.
I know this group doesn't give advice and that is one of the reasons I keep coming back. I would love it if people could help me see this decision in light of the principles of the program. Before, I would have focused my approach on getting him to change. Now, I know that he will not change based on anything I do. So I know I need to decide based on what I need and what my son needs.
This behaviour isn't affecting me. So if my son were not involved I would be inclined to ignore it, especially as he is actively trying to get psychiatric and psychological help for this problem. I also feel a responsibility towards my son to do whatever is in my power to prevent him being exposed to a situation where his father got arrested while I was far away in another part of the country. In such a situation I do not know if they would leave my son in my husband's care, it seems like a very distressing event for all involved. My husband agrees with this when he is lucid, he understands it would be a very bad thing to happen. Yet, as we all know, he doesn't have control in the moment.
We have no family at all who are able to help.
Options that I have identified include:
Going to stay with friends in another city where I might be able to find someone who would care for my son for free on those days
Asking for money from a charitable organisation for a babysitter to come in and look after my son on the days that my husband had been looking after him.
Quitting the job - I really don't want to do this. It is something I really enjoy and I think it would lead to a lot of resentments
Thank you in advance
Staying in the present - here and now - helps me when I am projecting and planning for 'what ifs'....sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
"Getting active in recovery" might also be the only suggestion I'd make based on my own recovery. The Experiences, Strengths and Hopes come from inside the rooms of Al-Anon as I listened to the thousands of shares from thousands of women in recovery and then I am a man!! I was free to duplicate their solutions and to duplicate them with my own best responses...It has all come out so awesomely for me and others around me because my insanity affected everyone I came into contact with. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
One thing that popped out is if your sig other gets caught can you have a friend/you listed as an emergency contact should something happen along that lines? I don't know how that works if you are not around at least then you have the comfort of knowing your child is in a safe place until you get home.
Alanon always has helped me that if plan A didn't work out then at least there were 25 other letters of the alphabet it wasn't anything to obsess about, it helped me to know a plan was in place and should there be an issue the safety of my kids were always first and foremost. HP always seems to find a way.
Big hugs,
S :)
Him getting caught shoplifting with your son present would be awful, BUT, even in that scenario, police are not just going to take YOUR kid and what if your husband's bottom comes when he DOES get these consequences? I don't know...another option may be to express yourself clearly to hour husband, then let go and let God. More will be revealed.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 2nd of December 2017 01:16:36 PM
Is there a YMCA near you? Some of them have low cost childcare. They get grants that they can use to help someone. If your husband is caught shop lifting someone will let him call you about your son. We all learn to let go and realize that we cannot stop our loved ones from drinking. That if they fail or have a consequence from their drinking we cannot control that. However, they are adults and what happens to a child is different. It sounds like you have already been thinking about your options and that is good. I hope you find a peaceful solution to your problem.
I kinda go with pinkchip here....if hubs gets caught, it may be his wake up call...Kid is probably too young to be impacted, and the police would notify you if hubs got arrested...the child would be safe, for sure......I would, if you can't find another "sitter" just meditate, let go, quiet the mind, and let things evolve as they are supposed to.....not a nice situation, but it could end up a positive.....I do agree that expressing your feelings to your husband would be appropriate..not a long drawn out diatribe, but an expression that this behavior when he is with your child is not acceptable to you.....then let it go.....
An arrest for shoplifting probably would not involve jail.
Unless it is a big item it is a misdemeanor. He would be citedand released. Depending on where you live that wouldn't even involve a trip to the jail.
There are organizations that help with childcare.
Researching that requires a lot of diligence. Now it's the holidays it is going to be hard to set that all up.
Working so anon can certainly help you. I have certainly been in that place of taking care of stuff. The ex A was supposed to take care of our dogs. He did but they were neglected. It took me a while to get to a place where I took them
Be nice to yourself. It is normal to want to beat yourself up don't do it.
The scenario's you are coming up with are all plan b stuff. If you are married your husband will have te right to joint custody. You can't just take your child out of state.
Custody issues require legal help.
Plan b is best looked at talked about and given a lot of consideration. My plan b was not that great but I was severely depressed at the time. The better the plan b the less worry you will have.
This board and the chat room here are a great place to discuss the plan b. You need people to bounce ideas off.
When I had the ex A look after the dogs (during which tiime I was incredibly generous to him) I was commuting a long way.
It was a stop gap measure. I think he was deluded enough to think I would always help him no matter what. When I finally pulled the plug he was pretty upset. You need to plan for all those repercussions. I knew that was coming so I was ready for him.
Maresie
Thank you for the practical suggestions and shares, I wanted to acknowledge them. I am not in the US, so some of what you said is not applicable but a lot of the sentiment is.
Just so you know, where I am, "another part of the country" is just two hours away and not another jurisdiction - and I was never talking about taking our son without my husband's consent - when he is lucid acknowledges we need to address the issue. I am very grategul for that, at least, that he cares and we are together in hating how things are with him and his addictions
I am a transplant too. I don't really presume anything
I know what it is to be around someone who says one thing and does another.
I.also know what it is to depend on them.
My parents were no.dependable. I think I have to.work hard to.find out what dependable looks like.
Maresie