So last night my AH came home from being out with friends at a sporting event pretty intoxicated. Not shocking. He was apologizing as soon as he walked in for being drunk. My usual reaction would have been to get angry. I didn't! I used the tools I've been learning and it worked- FOR ME. I was calm and actually at peace?? He however was completely thrown off kilter- and proceeded to get agitated and tried to pick fights over any little insignificant thing. I didn't take the bait. I just went to sleep on the couch and that was the end of it!! Crisis averted. Yay!!
Here is my question though- this morning I texted him at work and told him his behaviour was unacceptable and abusive. He texted back saying sorry he was a jerk. So- did I practice detaching properly today by texting?? I'm learning slowly but surely.
hotrod said
Nov 30, 2017
(Elabella)) you did fine. Remember that detachment is a tool that helps us to Not REACT but to act in a healthy fashion. You did not react in anger but took care of yourself- did not surrender your serenity and engage with insanity. Instead you gave yourself the opportunity for a good nights sleep and then after being well rested, you said what you needed to say without being mean. Sounds good to me. Remember we are not to be a door mat nor are we to engage in every argument You did great.
Elabella said
Nov 30, 2017
Thank you hotrod- it wasn't easy but I'm so happy that I did it! One day at a time! Thank you for the reassurance...
hotrod said
Nov 30, 2017
I agree this is not an easy road, however i have found that without alanon tools it is impossible i probsbly would be in jail for murder
Maresie said
Nov 30, 2017
I am glad you . Experienced relief from not arguing.
There is a huge sense of personal power from not being pulled in to craziness.
Detachment takes a lot of practice it is like any tool you have to keep at it.
Sometimes it is pretty imperfect.
Maresie
Lyne said
Nov 30, 2017
I have to give you an A+ on your non-reaction and then responding! I'm getting better too so remember, progress not perfection. Also, say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. I thought all the slogans and little sayings were so silly when I joined program over 4 years ago, but now I have respect for all of them and use them constantly. One Day at a Time has great meaning for me! Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 30, 2017
In the long run, what "we" think is immaterial... it is what YOU believe. But I totally get it! When you are new to program ways, you want to have validation that you are doing "it right." I know for me, getting that validation from "old-timers" was VERY important for me to keep moving forward.
For what it's worth, I think you did FANTASTIC!! Kudos!!!
You didn't REACT. Even when he tried to bait you with a fight (to justify his continued drinking behavior).
You removed yourself so that you could take care of YOU - detachment.
When rested & calm, you stated your boundary and you did not say it mean!!
Keep it up, recovery looks good on you!
Elabella said
Nov 30, 2017
Thank you all. It is tough as a newbie :)
Iamhere said
Nov 30, 2017
I also give you an A+.....I do remember the feeling of mini success the first time I just opted out of the 'dance'. It felt good enough to make me want more peace in my life and the only way I knew to get it was to work this program. You done great - and so spot on - One Day at a Time is so, so helpful. Keep doing you - it's working well!
(Elabella)) you did fine. Remember that detachment is a tool that helps us to Not REACT but to act in a healthy fashion.
You did not react in anger but took care of yourself- did not surrender your serenity and engage with insanity. Instead you gave yourself the opportunity for a good nights sleep and then after being well rested, you said what you needed to say without being mean. Sounds good to me. Remember we are not to be a door mat nor are we to engage in every argument You did great.
I agree this is not an easy road, however i have found that without alanon tools it is impossible
i probsbly would be in jail for murder
I am glad you . Experienced relief from not arguing.
There is a huge sense of personal power from not being pulled in to craziness.
Detachment takes a lot of practice it is like any tool you have to keep at it.
Sometimes it is pretty imperfect.
Maresie
For what it's worth, I think you did FANTASTIC!! Kudos!!!
You didn't REACT. Even when he tried to bait you with a fight (to justify his continued drinking behavior).
You removed yourself so that you could take care of YOU - detachment.
When rested & calm, you stated your boundary and you did not say it mean!!
Keep it up, recovery looks good on you!