So with the holidays fast approaching I am experiencing high anxiety when thinking about how to deal with Christmas Eve dinner this year. For the entire duration of my marriage/relationship to AH (27 years), we have had Christmas Eve dinner at my parents house. Before we had our daughter it didn't mean that much. I'm an only child, and my father is an alcoholic. Add to that the rumours of my father molesting my mothers sister when the aunt was a child- well, it's never ever been a truly happy celebration- especially since the entire extended family of my mom spends it together. My father is not even welcome in their homes. It's always been highly stressful for me, and I honestly only did it to make my mom happy. I do not like my father at all. Growing up, and even as an adult, he is a nasty alcoholic when he drinks- and is very manipulative under the facade of being nice. I've always kept my parents in my life- fairly closely too. I just never addressed any of the issues. We would spend holiday dinners together- but always on eggshells. Then our daughter was born and my parents went into full on grandparent mode. But I always was uneasy. Uneasy to leave my daughter alone around my father specifically. But we always did Christmas Eve- I wanted my daughter to have a nice Christmas. Last year it was a disaster with both my AH and father getting drunk and having a huge fight. This summer AH had a huge falling out with my parents when my daughter and I went to spend the night at their house to get away from the insanity at home of alcohol. Police were called by my father when my AH showed up when he was asked to stay away. The situation really escalated when my AH yelled out on the front yard that my father was a pedophile. Since then they haven't seen each other, but my daughter and I have met up regularly for weekly dinner. I didn't want to stop the weekly dinner for my daughters sake and my moms sake. Now we have Christmas Eve fast approaching, and I know my mom will want to continue with the tradition. I don't think my AH intends on going. He mentioned in passing that he is going nowhere this year, but will host one party over the holidays and everyone is welcome to come. I'm so torn as what to do. Our daughter is 14 so she understands the situation- although I've never told her about the molestation rumours. I feel physically ill even thinking about it all. I want to support my husband- but I don't support the behaviours that have caused the current situation.
I'm sorry for the long story. I just ask if anyone else has experienced this, and what they did . I don't have time today to go to my face to face meeting. Looking for some loving support and words of wisdom for this AlAnon newbie......thank you.
Lyne said
Nov 29, 2017
Welcome . Your described much chaos and insanity. I have learned to do the best thing for me! And sometimes the decisions are pain-staking and/or gut wrenching. But the best thing for your daughter is to have a calm and peaceful mom. You can go for a short time, and take your car so you are not trapped. You could leave whenever you wish. I have a disaster coming up for XMas with my family, and not everyone can have things the way they want it, not even me. I have settled on a compromise that leaves some people feeling hurt and left out. And I am in the middle. I used to love XMas but this year I just want it to be 12/26. I will try and do the best I can, take ODAT, and remember that I cannot control anyone but myself, Lyne
Freetime said
Nov 29, 2017
Hi Elabella - I have felt similar stress about holidays and family tension in the past. We used to spend the holidays around my late husband's family, all of whom were affected by the family disease of alcoholism ... only I wasn't aware of that, just that it got more and more uncomfortable. Now that I have Al-Anon tools, I realize that there may have been some things I could have done, although they wouldn't have been easy.
Slogans are great to have on hand: "This too shall pass." "Not my circus, not my monkeys." "Let go and let God." And of course the serenity prayer.
Maybe trying to keep gatherings brief, have my own transportation, have someplace else I have to go (a meeting! an online or phone meeting!) so I need to spend less time at the family gathering.
Maybe saying "I just need to take a break from festivities this year.... have a great time, I'll be thinking of you." Do you have an out-of-town friend you could visit? Maybe ask daughter what she would like to do?
Are there other Christmas traditions that would make you happier? Church? Seeing the lights and decorations around town?
Anyway, I've learned that I had choices, I just needed the courage to make them.
And Lyne - I totally understand your wanting it to be 12/26! I sometimes wished I could spend the season on a deserted island where they've never heard of these holidays.
Elabella said
Nov 29, 2017
Lyne and Freetime- thank you. You are correct that it is my choice- it's just so difficult to do something that if it doesn't hurt one person, then it does the other. I want to stand as a united front with my husband, as the events that ensued were all a result of drunken behaviours. It was just so enraging to have my father call the police and then proceed to tell the police every little thing my husband had done over the years when drunk. This from the man who did things infinitely worse when drunk AND sober. The pot calling the kettle black. It was ridiculous. On the same token- because of the charade that's been upheld ever since my daughter was born, I feel guilty cutting that out of her life. I feel responsible for never having dealt with it properly. I just figured the path of least resistance would appease everyone. But it didn't appease me or my husband- and now it's all come out in the open and there's no going back. I had suggested to my daughter that maybe we would just go away on vacation just the three of us- and she gave a resounding no! "Mom I would never go away for Christmas! ". So basically, if I go without my husband I'm really betraying him and his stance- and my father "wins"- because that's how he will take it and will no doubt at some point down the road- sober or drunk- stick it in my husbands face. That's how he is. He thrives on being mean. And more importantly, my AH will be so deeply wounded by what he will feel is a complete betrayal. This will ultimately make him more depressed. I cannot have that. Ughhh.
Then you have the other side of the coin- if I don't go then my mother will be heartbroken. My father probably too- although I'm not really sure about his true feelings. I don't trust him and never have. And after everything he put me through in my life anyways- I don't feel badly letting him down.
Not my circus, not my monkeys. I love that saying! I'm praying for an answer within myself...
Thank you for your input â¤ï¸
Iamhere said
Nov 29, 2017
Elebella - Family traditions are just that - family traditions. It took me a while in recovery to 'see' that if I did not attend, it was not the end of the world. As I ponder the years of our holidays, many have missed for one reason or another - nobody is tarred and feathered for it. What Al-Anon has given me is the gift to do what is best for me, in the present and to not project.
I've attended as many as possible. I've been sick for the last several Christmas's probably due to the stress of it all. I have ended up with strep throat the last 4 of 5 years. Beyond feeling like complete and total doo-doo, it's been kind of nice to sit here and watch TV/nap instead of dealing with extreme stress.
People pleasing is a huge part of this disease. It's one of many distorted ways we defend ourselves to the insanity of the disease. Yet, as we recover, we find that it is not helpful - it's very harmful. We continue to give away our own power to others out of habit, fear, or other. If you lean into recovery, keep the focus on you and take it one day at a time, the holidays are much, much easier to get through.
(((Hugs)))
Maresie said
Nov 29, 2017
The ex A's mother made a huge deal every holiday that we HAD to go there. She was adamant
Then she went to a high school reunion met a old classmate married him 8 weeks later. Guess what there is no #tradition# now.
You are an adult you are entitled to your own tradition.
I have been there with people being mad I didn't to the line plenty at Christmas. I have also had relationships where I
didn't get a voice on what I wanted to do for my Christmas
One year I tried the tack of goijng away for Christmas. I paid for it. The ex A higbtailed it back early because he wanted to smoke pot with his brother. His brother has since commuted suicide.
You are not going to #wim# whatever you decide.
I know you deserve a voice it is your Christmas too.
Whatever you do someone is you g to be disappointed.
I know whatever I.did what the now ex A wanted to do above all was get high and /or drunk preferably with someone else whose sole mission was to do that too.
One year I.made a huge effort to cook a special dinner. The ex A passed out halfway through it. There was no compliments nothing
Whatever I did with all those pressures I lost out
These days I am conscious of a double bind.
I tend to work over the holidays these days. I don't have the pressure of deal in g with aslk that. Who do I disappoint stuff.
That takes me out of the equation.
I tipped around people z lot over the holidays. I went to a lot of functions family events I did not want to go to.
There are ways to opt out graciously. There are ways to limit what your exposure is.
Al.anon.has somne great tools in d's escalating.situations.
They also have some tools in not getting in justifications
I have made myself absurdly muserable many many holidays pleasing others. What I.never looked at was that no o e was looking at or even concerned about what I wanted to do.
My holidays matter took.
Maresie
serenity47 said
Nov 30, 2017
I to am having a struggle with Christmas plans this year. I had made flight reservations for myself and son (husband is working) to go and spend it with my daughter and her boyfriend. Due to recent events in her life with him and myself finding it very difficult to tolerate the way he behaves towards her, I have decided to cancel the flights and stay home. This is not how I want to spend my Christmas, pretending that everything is okay when it is not. I don't do well at being phony. My son also no longer wants to go (he is an adult and does not like what he sees happening in their relationship) and it puts huge pressure on my daughter to make a "choice" between being with us at our hotel or with him. I simply am not up for it. I am of course feeling sad that I will not see her over the holidays but I believe that I need to do what is best for me at this point. I was just there for a week and had a nice time with her so our relationship continues on in spite of him. I have always tried to come up with all the solutions to keep everyone happy but I simply am tired and I do not want to do that this year. She is aware of my decision and didn't make a big fuss although looked sad when I told her. On some level perhaps she is relieved though as it won't put her in a difficult spot. She chooses to be with him, we do not and that is okay. It will be a low key year, I am considering volunteering to work for one of my co workers whom has young children so that she may be home with her little ones. It will distract me and take my mind off my own dilemas. You deserve peace and joy in your own holiday season irregardless of what others want you to do.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 30th of November 2017 01:08:53 AM
Elabella said
Nov 30, 2017
Thank you all. I know that I'm a big part of the problem by always allowing everyone to dictate what happens. I've had friends tell me to do what I want to do. The problem is- I don't know. I honestly don't because I'm completely incapable of doing things that I want without thinking of others. It's a real issue for me. I don't know what it is im afraid of? I don't like when people are upset or angry. Which is ridiculous I know. This part for me will be the hardest to learn and practice. Thank you again for sharing your experiences- I'm forever grateful.
Maresie said
Nov 30, 2017
Some of my issue with Christmas was where ever I went it was an all day affair. That included when the Christmas was nearby
When the ex A pulled the fast one of he had to go to his family's on Christmas at the crack of dawn one year I had many choices. I could have been dropped off on the way to his mother's.
The problem with me was I was waiting for someone to take care of me. No one did. The ex A and his brother (who is now dead from his alcoholism) went in one room and I was left alone. I might as well have been on my own.
The hard information that no one was taking care of me was pretty difficult for me to process.
I still have resentment about it.
The information about you want to please others first is important. If you have a sponsor you can work from that. .
Christmas is a big stress holiday for a lot of people AA have more meetings around that time. I think so anon doesn't because we are too busy taking care of everyone else but ourselves
Christmas is still hard for me but it us not excruciating anymore. Excruciating is very difficult to work with
Slogans are great to have on hand: "This too shall pass." "Not my circus, not my monkeys." "Let go and let God." And of course the serenity prayer.
Maybe trying to keep gatherings brief, have my own transportation, have someplace else I have to go (a meeting! an online or phone meeting!) so I need to spend less time at the family gathering.
Maybe saying "I just need to take a break from festivities this year.... have a great time, I'll be thinking of you." Do you have an out-of-town friend you could visit? Maybe ask daughter what she would like to do?
Are there other Christmas traditions that would make you happier? Church? Seeing the lights and decorations around town?
Anyway, I've learned that I had choices, I just needed the courage to make them.
And Lyne - I totally understand your wanting it to be 12/26! I sometimes wished I could spend the season on a deserted island where they've never heard of these holidays.
I've attended as many as possible. I've been sick for the last several Christmas's probably due to the stress of it all. I have ended up with strep throat the last 4 of 5 years. Beyond feeling like complete and total doo-doo, it's been kind of nice to sit here and watch TV/nap instead of dealing with extreme stress.
People pleasing is a huge part of this disease. It's one of many distorted ways we defend ourselves to the insanity of the disease. Yet, as we recover, we find that it is not helpful - it's very harmful. We continue to give away our own power to others out of habit, fear, or other. If you lean into recovery, keep the focus on you and take it one day at a time, the holidays are much, much easier to get through.
(((Hugs)))
The ex A's mother made a huge deal every holiday that we HAD to go there. She was adamant
Then she went to a high school reunion met a old classmate married him 8 weeks later. Guess what there is no #tradition# now.
You are an adult you are entitled to your own tradition.
I have been there with people being mad I didn't to the line plenty at Christmas. I have also had relationships where I
didn't get a voice on what I wanted to do for my Christmas
One year I tried the tack of goijng away for Christmas. I paid for it. The ex A higbtailed it back early because he wanted to smoke pot with his brother. His brother has since commuted suicide.
You are not going to #wim# whatever you decide.
I know you deserve a voice it is your Christmas too.
Whatever you do someone is you g to be disappointed.
I know whatever I.did what the now ex A wanted to do above all was get high and /or drunk preferably with someone else whose sole mission was to do that too.
One year I.made a huge effort to cook a special dinner. The ex A passed out halfway through it. There was no compliments nothing
Whatever I did with all those pressures I lost out
These days I am conscious of a double bind.
I tend to work over the holidays these days. I don't have the pressure of deal in g with aslk that. Who do I disappoint stuff.
That takes me out of the equation.
I tipped around people z lot over the holidays. I went to a lot of functions family events I did not want to go to.
There are ways to opt out graciously. There are ways to limit what your exposure is.
Al.anon.has somne great tools in d's escalating.situations.
They also have some tools in not getting in justifications
I have made myself absurdly muserable many many holidays pleasing others. What I.never looked at was that no o e was looking at or even concerned about what I wanted to do.
My holidays matter took.
Maresie
I to am having a struggle with Christmas plans this year. I had made flight reservations for myself and son (husband is working) to go and spend it with my daughter and her boyfriend. Due to recent events in her life with him and myself finding it very difficult to tolerate the way he behaves towards her, I have decided to cancel the flights and stay home. This is not how I want to spend my Christmas, pretending that everything is okay when it is not. I don't do well at being phony. My son also no longer wants to go (he is an adult and does not like what he sees happening in their relationship) and it puts huge pressure on my daughter to make a "choice" between being with us at our hotel or with him. I simply am not up for it. I am of course feeling sad that I will not see her over the holidays but I believe that I need to do what is best for me at this point. I was just there for a week and had a nice time with her so our relationship continues on in spite of him. I have always tried to come up with all the solutions to keep everyone happy but I simply am tired and I do not want to do that this year. She is aware of my decision and didn't make a big fuss although looked sad when I told her. On some level perhaps she is relieved though as it won't put her in a difficult spot. She chooses to be with him, we do not and that is okay. It will be a low key year, I am considering volunteering to work for one of my co workers whom has young children so that she may be home with her little ones. It will distract me and take my mind off my own dilemas. You deserve peace and joy in your own holiday season irregardless of what others want you to do.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 30th of November 2017 01:08:53 AM
Some of my issue with Christmas was where ever I went it was an all day affair. That included when the Christmas was nearby
When the ex A pulled the fast one of he had to go to his family's on Christmas at the crack of dawn one year I had many choices. I could have been dropped off on the way to his mother's.
The problem with me was I was waiting for someone to take care of me. No one did. The ex A and his brother (who is now dead from his alcoholism) went in one room and I was left alone. I might as well have been on my own.
The hard information that no one was taking care of me was pretty difficult for me to process.
I still have resentment about it.
The information about you want to please others first is important. If you have a sponsor you can work from that. .
Christmas is a big stress holiday for a lot of people AA have more meetings around that time. I think so anon doesn't because we are too busy taking care of everyone else but ourselves
Christmas is still hard for me but it us not excruciating anymore. Excruciating is very difficult to work with
Maresie