adult daughter and husband drinking too much, what's your advice for me?
fullmom said
Nov 26, 2017
My AD and her husband are over drinking. Not sure if they're alcoholics, or just over drinking, but that's for them to figure out, not me. We have a really good relationship with both of them. They are 30. This is not the first time my husband and I have worried or observed that they drink too much.
So if I practice the advice of al anon and realize I have no power of them. Is having a conversation with my daughter and my husband and I a good idea? We decided not to do it today as they are heading home for the holidays. WE were thinking of calling her this week and just acknowledging that we are concerned about the amount of drinking we are observing and we want to know if she ever notices it too? Is she at all concerned? Is there anything we can do? Do we advise her to drink less, or simply state that we are worried/concerned for her.
And then the other issue is they are bringing their beer into our home and my DH and I do drink responsibly. We don't want to see them bring as much in as they do. Period. So we know we have the right to ask that they respect that.
What is our role here?
tiredtonite said
Nov 26, 2017
Hi fullmom,
Welcome, glad you joined us and hope you keep coming back for Alanon recovery with us. One of the best suggestions I ever received, I was given at my ex's rehab facility. I was advised to find in person Alanon meetings and immerse myself in this program. I guess I would ask myself if voicing your concern will take away your feeling of worry about their drinking. I can only share my own experience with a loved one. My experience was that I truly wanted to believe my loved one was just partying a bit and didn't have a problem. It was easy to believe this because the alcoholic in my life worked every day, made responsible decisions etc. I had no knowledge of functional alcoholics. It was easy for me to deny what my gut was telling me because I preferred to believe my loved was not having a problem if they said they weren't. It took a worsening situation for me to enter the doors of Alanon.
You will have to decide whether you feel comfortable voicing your concern about your daughter and her husband's drinking. You and your husband are the only ones who know the kind of relationship you have with the two of them and whether voicing concerning would tarnish your relationship with them. Pointing out what we see, can give us momentary relief. We can say, well at least I've told them what I see. But ultimately, they will continue to do what they want to do. One thing you can trust is that they know how much they are drinking and will only quit if they themself want to quit. You do of course have a right to set boundaries concerning your own home and alcohol. Visits from some to my home are much shorter these days since we are a dry home. That's ok by me. There are fewer arguments and the risk of us being responsible if someone leaves our home and drives drunk is removed. We need to take care of our own well-being first. Attending Alanon helps us to understand how we and others are affected by alcoholism. It's a comfort to be with others who have been affected by a loved ones drinking and listen to their shares and feel supported.
I guess if I were in your shoes, I would ask myself if it is important for me to state my opinion of the drinking to my dau and her husband immediately. If you are comfortable with waiting a little bit, I would say give in person Alanon meetings a try and see if you feel the same about intervening after. If you do, then that's what you and husband will do. Wishing you the best as you come to terms with the drinking. How you and your husband are feeling about all of this is very important. Alanon meetings are a safe place to share your feelings and receive loving support. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 26th of November 2017 11:48:16 AM
serenity47 said
Nov 26, 2017
Welcome to the board. There is nothing wrong with expressing our concern to our loved ones in a polite , kind manner and then leaving it alone, although in my experience this accomplished nothing. I had expectations that this would somehow change the outcome. My daughter did not change one thing that she was doing until she was ready to do so, no matter what any of us in the family said. This was very difficult to watch and accept. With the help and principles of the program I was able to let go of it. Examining my motives for what I am about to say has been helpful to me in the past. Usually in my experience what I say has had little to no effect on the outcome/choices of another person. I have learned and accepted that I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct for myself but no right to impose that on another person.
fullmom said
Nov 26, 2017
Thank you all who have posted. I am a member of Al anon and go sometimes. I have read the steps and traditions and my big take away is this: sharing your fears, worries, and angst over problem drinkers is good for people. Learning how to detach so that you can live a life that has meaning, putting your faith in a higher power, all good. And I think Al anon stresses that it's not our job to save or rescue the drinkers, nor would it help. And I think that's what both of you say here.
Watching people drink too much is annoying, frustrating, sad, disappointing, but you all know this too.
If this was cousin Ed, or Aunt Mary, I could chalk it up to not seeing them much or at all.
But this is my adult daughter who I hope to have a relationship with for the rest of my life. She's not drowning, but in my opinion her lifeboat has a slow leak, and I'm not going to pretend I don't see water seeping out. What she does with the leak is up to them.
So....
I'm going to talk to her. I'm not going to preach, or label. And I'm going to wait a couple of days. I'm simply going to express what I'm seeing. how I'm concerned and ask her if she's ever worried about it. And I have to let her know that drinking responsibly has to happen when they visit again and forever. . That means not drinking A lot, and not showing up with more than one needs in order to drink responsibly. If they truly have a functional drinking issue, then they're screwed and our relationship will get worse instead of better. I believe they have their higher power too. I also know that they're adults and are making choices they have to live with.
There's a meeting at 5 tonight where I live, maybe I'll go
saveskeeter said
Nov 26, 2017
fullmom wrote:
Thank you all who have posted. I am a member of Al anon and go sometimes. I have read the steps and traditions and my big take away is this: sharing your fears, worries, and angst over problem drinkers is good for people. Learning how to detach so that you can live a life that has meaning, putting your faith in a higher power, all good. And I think Al anon stresses that it's not our job to save or rescue the drinkers, nor would it help. And I think that's what both of you say here. Watching people drink too much is annoying, frustrating, sad, disappointing, but you all know this too. If this was cousin Ed, or Aunt Mary, I could chalk it up to not seeing them much or at all. But this is my adult daughter who I hope to have a relationship with for the rest of my life. She's not drowning, but in my opinion her lifeboat has a slow leak, and I'm not going to pretend I don't see water seeping out. What she does with the leak is up to them. So.... I'm going to talk to her. I'm not going to preach, or label. And I'm going to wait a couple of days. I'm simply going to express what I'm seeing. how I'm concerned and ask her if she's ever worried about it. And I have to let her know that drinking responsibly has to happen when they visit again and forever. . That means not drinking A lot, and not showing up with more than one needs in order to drink responsibly. If they truly have a functional drinking issue, then they're screwed and our relationship will get worse instead of better. I believe they have their higher power too. I also know that they're adults and are making choices they have to live with.
There's a meeting at 5 tonight where I live, maybe I'll go
I'm in the same situation with my daughter, and my sister ( who I see most days ), who is now hiding her drinking around me. If you feel comfortable doing it, please post how your talk with your daughter went. I'm seriously considering a similar talk with my sister, and perhaps my daughter. I too attend ftf meetings weekly but haven't gotten much direction from them other than the 'detach with love' stuff.
Iamhere said
Nov 26, 2017
Welcome fullmom to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I recently had to have the conversation with my mother. Probably more for me than her, I started out and said something like, "I hope you know this comes from a place of love and support - I am very worried about your alcohol consumption. I spilled my concerns, avoided my opinions and thoughts, and then asked if there was anything I could do that would support her making changes because I want her around as long as possible! She's in her 80's and has some health issues - so a bit different scenario yet still necessary to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean...
I've had this conversation with my boys many times. Your approach sounds loving and I too agree you have every right to express your love and concern. I am sending you positive support for your conversation and tons of prayers! Keep coming back - great to have you join the family!!
fullmom said
Nov 26, 2017
Hi Saveskeeter & Iamhere,
I will most definitely post how my conversation goes. Full disclosure, over the years I've had a few conversations with her about drinking, about the consequences of drinking too much so I know that SHE knows how much I dislike big drinkers. Our relationship survived all those so I'm hopeful that I can find a way to get my message across and maybe that's just how I'll start. Kinda like this: You know over the years I've been very honest with you about how I feel about the dangers of overdrinking, in fact you and I have had a few of these conversations and we've done pretty darn good at keeping our connection and love for each other, so let's try another one shall we? And then I'll explain why I'm concerned, what I saw going on, and how at this point in her life (30) her drinking should be less and not more. And then I need to give her a chance to express herself. Will she be defensive? Probably. Will it strike a nerve? Maybe. Will it solve the problem? Unlikely. Will it help the problem? I sure hope so. Will it stop them from overdoing it when they're visiting? Might not, but I have to bring it up otherwise I'm letting the elephant sit in the middle of the room.
I have a friend who has 8 kids. 4 are hers and 4 are step kids. They've been a salad family for 22 yrs. All 8 kids are adults, many with their own kids. She has been one of the few people I know who talks about how over the years they've watched some pretty unattractive behavior from some of their kids or their kids spouses. Mostly it stems from overdrinking. She says it's so hard to watch, and for the few days that they're together, many times she and her husband just retire to their bedroom so they can avoid it.
And to some degree I think my daughter and her hubby will have to get way worse before I'd ask them not to come. I sure hope it never comes to that, but I acknowledge that it might if they get worse.
Also, I have four kids. All adults. 30, 28, 25, 18. Out of the those 4, 2 have signs of having troubles with alcohol. The 25 yr old is the other one. My DH and I have had numerous conversations with him over the years and we've been very blunt. We've discussed AA, Smart, seeing a therapist etc. He's dabbled in all of those things. He's currently trying to see if he can be a moderate drinker. It's been somewhat successful with fits and starts. But Alanon has given me the tools that I've tried to use to let go of him and let God. I will try to do the same with my DD.
I had to laugh at myself tonight. As I was driving home I had that tape running through my head - poor me, why me, why have all 4 kids all had issues with substances at some point? It just doesn't seem fair. And we tried very hard to be good role models, and we are good parents' . blah blah blah blah blah blah.
I think even God was laughing a little. So I stopped the tape and prayed to God to help me stop the tape. I am lucky that I have a good husband that I can talk stuff out with, and that we are on the same page. And I'm lucky that I have this site and a meeting that I can go to.
Also, this helped today. I went to the Mall. I must have tried on 20 coats, never with the intention of buying one. But it served as a nice distraction to the tape in my head.
a4l said
Nov 26, 2017
You're within your rights to discuss, its the expectations I've found alanon to be most helpful with. To me, its my house my rules whether you're five or fifty. If you don't like it, off you go. Even in my drunken states, there where people and places I knew not to cross. Because the rules were always clear. Would I like to grow up there? Probably not. But I'm grateful to have met firm boundaries in life along with freedom and gentleness.
Jerry F said
Nov 26, 2017
Aloha Ladies what an enjoyable and inspiring post which helped me to open up my memory tape album and review the journey I have had in the AFG since 2/8/1979...GOD WHAT A JOURNEY!! and it hasn't ended, mustn't and cannot. The family groups and later on MIP gave me back my life and then my sanity. As my former sponsor gave it to me, His definition of humility, "is being teachable" and being teachable for me is where it is at. I've learned from this post and part of what I have learned is from the understanding of the wisdom of the rooms. Though I once tried to keep Al-Anon and AA away from my mind, body, spirit and emotions, after I fully surrendered to the truth that they knew what was going on and I didn't I got my mind, body, spirit and emotions back and back in order.
The first saving thought here for me is, "We don't give advise" and so from my experience of it...all 39 years getting the wisdom of the rooms meant being in the rooms and with that suggestion at the end of the groups, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help and honestly that was all I was looking for however it came to me. I wasn't so proud after a while of where it came from or from whom as long as I knew intimately that I wasn't so crazy as I was the day before.
My relapsed son, now 52 years of age is way to smart for anyone else who is only helpful...chances are helpful people like me have the enabling hook on/in them and a self centered motive. I know this from experience. My suggestion is similar to that what has been given here...get into the AFG one day and meeting at a time and get the literature. Read it daily as you can and get a person you can trust who is also in the program and who will allow you to consider them sponsor. These are the members who's experiences you will want to duplicate in order to have the peace of mind and serenity they have.
Remember this is a one day at a time program...that is all we do it for which helps us to work it near perfection for us along. One day at a time, Keep it simple, Easy Does it; these are the suggested movements for the early on joiner. And of course ...Keep coming back and Thanks for letting me listen and share. (((hugs)))
saveskeeter said
Nov 26, 2017
fullmom: thanks so much!
Maresie said
Nov 27, 2017
I lived around a roommate whose drinking was way over the top. He owned the home I lived in. I had to work really hard to detach.
I know for me in my own apartment I will not deal with any dysfunctionality. I simply will not allow anyone to come ovver and trample my boundaries.
When i have gone to see my family they all pretty much used a lot of alcohol. Now I would never stay in their houses. I dont think I would even visit their houses.
I seripusky doubt your daughter is not aware she us drinking too much. She had to be dealing with hangovers. That is not to mention.the cost of that kind of consumption.
Around an alcoholic you can say till the cows come home you are drinking too much. The definition of alcoholism is that they keep drinking despite the consequences.
For me these days my boundaries are not about trying to get anyone to stop. If someone's behavior invades my boundaries I have to set limits. I am not going to negotiate certain boundaries. In my home there is not gòing ti be anyone drinking. If I am around people who are dysfunctional I have a lot of limits on what I will permit. My bboundaries are how I negotate the world.
The holidays are a hard time for all of us. We are inundated witj this idea certain people are having hallmark moments all the time. It is really impirtant not to buy into that.
Al amon has helped me a lot to swt up a life where I have boundaries. I have soent years being around people who.drank too much. I had no way to say #No#
One thing that for me is one of the hallmarks of ky recovery is to adopt JADE. That is do not justify argue defend or explain. For many of us in aetting boundarirs ww get sidetracked into JADE.
There are alcoholics of couse who get sober. Many of them have to feel the consequences of their alcoholusm before tjey do that. For some of us it is very difficult to hold to consequences. We want to f8x them control them and enligten them.
I have been to a lot of AA meetings. In general the people I know who got sober had to feel a lot of consequences.
My AD and her husband are over drinking. Not sure if they're alcoholics, or just over drinking, but that's for them to figure out, not me. We have a really good relationship with both of them. They are 30. This is not the first time my husband and I have worried or observed that they drink too much.
So if I practice the advice of al anon and realize I have no power of them. Is having a conversation with my daughter and my husband and I a good idea? We decided not to do it today as they are heading home for the holidays. WE were thinking of calling her this week and just acknowledging that we are concerned about the amount of drinking we are observing and we want to know if she ever notices it too? Is she at all concerned? Is there anything we can do? Do we advise her to drink less, or simply state that we are worried/concerned for her.
And then the other issue is they are bringing their beer into our home and my DH and I do drink responsibly. We don't want to see them bring as much in as they do. Period. So we know we have the right to ask that they respect that.
What is our role here?
Hi fullmom,
Welcome, glad you joined us and hope you keep coming back for Alanon recovery with us. One of the best suggestions I ever received, I was given at my ex's rehab facility. I was advised to find in person Alanon meetings and immerse myself in this program. I guess I would ask myself if voicing your concern will take away your feeling of worry about their drinking. I can only share my own experience with a loved one. My experience was that I truly wanted to believe my loved one was just partying a bit and didn't have a problem. It was easy to believe this because the alcoholic in my life worked every day, made responsible decisions etc. I had no knowledge of functional alcoholics. It was easy for me to deny what my gut was telling me because I preferred to believe my loved was not having a problem if they said they weren't. It took a worsening situation for me to enter the doors of Alanon.
You will have to decide whether you feel comfortable voicing your concern about your daughter and her husband's drinking. You and your husband are the only ones who know the kind of relationship you have with the two of them and whether voicing concerning would tarnish your relationship with them. Pointing out what we see, can give us momentary relief. We can say, well at least I've told them what I see. But ultimately, they will continue to do what they want to do. One thing you can trust is that they know how much they are drinking and will only quit if they themself want to quit. You do of course have a right to set boundaries concerning your own home and alcohol. Visits from some to my home are much shorter these days since we are a dry home. That's ok by me. There are fewer arguments and the risk of us being responsible if someone leaves our home and drives drunk is removed. We need to take care of our own well-being first. Attending Alanon helps us to understand how we and others are affected by alcoholism. It's a comfort to be with others who have been affected by a loved ones drinking and listen to their shares and feel supported.
I guess if I were in your shoes, I would ask myself if it is important for me to state my opinion of the drinking to my dau and her husband immediately. If you are comfortable with waiting a little bit, I would say give in person Alanon meetings a try and see if you feel the same about intervening after. If you do, then that's what you and husband will do. Wishing you the best as you come to terms with the drinking. How you and your husband are feeling about all of this is very important. Alanon meetings are a safe place to share your feelings and receive loving support. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 26th of November 2017 11:48:16 AM
Watching people drink too much is annoying, frustrating, sad, disappointing, but you all know this too.
If this was cousin Ed, or Aunt Mary, I could chalk it up to not seeing them much or at all.
But this is my adult daughter who I hope to have a relationship with for the rest of my life. She's not drowning, but in my opinion her lifeboat has a slow leak, and I'm not going to pretend I don't see water seeping out. What she does with the leak is up to them.
So....
I'm going to talk to her. I'm not going to preach, or label. And I'm going to wait a couple of days. I'm simply going to express what I'm seeing. how I'm concerned and ask her if she's ever worried about it. And I have to let her know that drinking responsibly has to happen when they visit again and forever. . That means not drinking A lot, and not showing up with more than one needs in order to drink responsibly. If they truly have a functional drinking issue, then they're screwed and our relationship will get worse instead of better. I believe they have their higher power too. I also know that they're adults and are making choices they have to live with.
There's a meeting at 5 tonight where I live, maybe I'll go
I'm in the same situation with my daughter, and my sister ( who I see most days ), who is now hiding her drinking around me. If you feel comfortable doing it, please post how your talk with your daughter went. I'm seriously considering a similar talk with my sister, and perhaps my daughter. I too attend ftf meetings weekly but haven't gotten much direction from them other than the 'detach with love' stuff.
I've had this conversation with my boys many times. Your approach sounds loving and I too agree you have every right to express your love and concern. I am sending you positive support for your conversation and tons of prayers! Keep coming back - great to have you join the family!!
I will most definitely post how my conversation goes. Full disclosure, over the years I've had a few conversations with her about drinking, about the consequences of drinking too much so I know that SHE knows how much I dislike big drinkers. Our relationship survived all those so I'm hopeful that I can find a way to get my message across and maybe that's just how I'll start. Kinda like this: You know over the years I've been very honest with you about how I feel about the dangers of overdrinking, in fact you and I have had a few of these conversations and we've done pretty darn good at keeping our connection and love for each other, so let's try another one shall we? And then I'll explain why I'm concerned, what I saw going on, and how at this point in her life (30) her drinking should be less and not more. And then I need to give her a chance to express herself. Will she be defensive? Probably. Will it strike a nerve? Maybe. Will it solve the problem? Unlikely. Will it help the problem? I sure hope so. Will it stop them from overdoing it when they're visiting? Might not, but I have to bring it up otherwise I'm letting the elephant sit in the middle of the room.
I have a friend who has 8 kids. 4 are hers and 4 are step kids. They've been a salad family for 22 yrs. All 8 kids are adults, many with their own kids. She has been one of the few people I know who talks about how over the years they've watched some pretty unattractive behavior from some of their kids or their kids spouses. Mostly it stems from overdrinking. She says it's so hard to watch, and for the few days that they're together, many times she and her husband just retire to their bedroom so they can avoid it.
And to some degree I think my daughter and her hubby will have to get way worse before I'd ask them not to come. I sure hope it never comes to that, but I acknowledge that it might if they get worse.
Also, I have four kids. All adults. 30, 28, 25, 18. Out of the those 4, 2 have signs of having troubles with alcohol. The 25 yr old is the other one. My DH and I have had numerous conversations with him over the years and we've been very blunt. We've discussed AA, Smart, seeing a therapist etc. He's dabbled in all of those things. He's currently trying to see if he can be a moderate drinker. It's been somewhat successful with fits and starts. But Alanon has given me the tools that I've tried to use to let go of him and let God. I will try to do the same with my DD.
I had to laugh at myself tonight. As I was driving home I had that tape running through my head - poor me, why me, why have all 4 kids all had issues with substances at some point? It just doesn't seem fair. And we tried very hard to be good role models, and we are good parents' . blah blah blah blah blah blah.
I think even God was laughing a little. So I stopped the tape and prayed to God to help me stop the tape. I am lucky that I have a good husband that I can talk stuff out with, and that we are on the same page. And I'm lucky that I have this site and a meeting that I can go to.
Also, this helped today. I went to the Mall. I must have tried on 20 coats, never with the intention of buying one. But it served as a nice distraction to the tape in my head.
Aloha Ladies what an enjoyable and inspiring post which helped me to open up my memory tape album and review the journey I have had in the AFG since 2/8/1979...GOD WHAT A JOURNEY!! and it hasn't ended, mustn't and cannot. The family groups and later on MIP gave me back my life and then my sanity. As my former sponsor gave it to me, His definition of humility, "is being teachable" and being teachable for me is where it is at. I've learned from this post and part of what I have learned is from the understanding of the wisdom of the rooms. Though I once tried to keep Al-Anon and AA away from my mind, body, spirit and emotions, after I fully surrendered to the truth that they knew what was going on and I didn't I got my mind, body, spirit and emotions back and back in order.
The first saving thought here for me is, "We don't give advise" and so from my experience of it...all 39 years getting the wisdom of the rooms meant being in the rooms and with that suggestion at the end of the groups, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help and honestly that was all I was looking for however it came to me. I wasn't so proud after a while of where it came from or from whom as long as I knew intimately that I wasn't so crazy as I was the day before.
My relapsed son, now 52 years of age is way to smart for anyone else who is only helpful...chances are helpful people like me have the enabling hook on/in them and a self centered motive. I know this from experience. My suggestion is similar to that what has been given here...get into the AFG one day and meeting at a time and get the literature. Read it daily as you can and get a person you can trust who is also in the program and who will allow you to consider them sponsor. These are the members who's experiences you will want to duplicate in order to have the peace of mind and serenity they have.
Remember this is a one day at a time program...that is all we do it for which helps us to work it near perfection for us along. One day at a time, Keep it simple, Easy Does it; these are the suggested movements for the early on joiner. And of course ...Keep coming back and Thanks for letting me listen and share. (((hugs)))
I lived around a roommate whose drinking was way over the top. He owned the home I lived in. I had to work really hard to detach.
I know for me in my own apartment I will not deal with any dysfunctionality. I simply will not allow anyone to come ovver and trample my boundaries.
When i have gone to see my family they all pretty much used a lot of alcohol. Now I would never stay in their houses. I dont think I would even visit their houses.
I seripusky doubt your daughter is not aware she us drinking too much. She had to be dealing with hangovers. That is not to mention.the cost of that kind of consumption.
Around an alcoholic you can say till the cows come home you are drinking too much. The definition of alcoholism is that they keep drinking despite the consequences.
For me these days my boundaries are not about trying to get anyone to stop. If someone's behavior invades my boundaries I have to set limits. I am not going to negotiate certain boundaries. In my home there is not gòing ti be anyone drinking. If I am around people who are dysfunctional I have a lot of limits on what I will permit. My bboundaries are how I negotate the world.
The holidays are a hard time for all of us. We are inundated witj this idea certain people are having hallmark moments all the time. It is really impirtant not to buy into that.
Al amon has helped me a lot to swt up a life where I have boundaries. I have soent years being around people who.drank too much. I had no way to say #No#
One thing that for me is one of the hallmarks of ky recovery is to adopt JADE. That is do not justify argue defend or explain. For many of us in aetting boundarirs ww get sidetracked into JADE.
There are alcoholics of couse who get sober. Many of them have to feel the consequences of their alcoholusm before tjey do that. For some of us it is very difficult to hold to consequences. We want to f8x them control them and enligten them.
I have been to a lot of AA meetings. In general the people I know who got sober had to feel a lot of consequences.