Hi- I'm two meetings in as of yesterday. My husband is a very high functioning alcoholic- he drinks from morning til night every single day for a very long time already. We have a 14 yr old daughter. This last year his disease has really progressed. He used to be to be kind, engaging and interested in doing things as a family. This has all but disappeared. He is now an angry, bitter man who rarely smiles or laughs anymore. I get so frustrated and angry/upset, that we end up fighting and our anger escalates to the point of vicious verbal abuse. I'm so angry and done with this treatment- but i don't think I'm detaching with love. Actually, I'm finding myself seething with hatred towards him. I'm thinking of separation, but am stuck as he is the sole provider for the family. I'm very confused, angry and hurt. I want the man I married back, but it seems he's all but a memory now. I don't know how to deal with these intense feelings of hatred. Any advice would greatly be appreciated...

Hi Elabella. I'm truly sorry that you're hurting so terribly. I recently filed for separation. I can relate to feeling completely done while also still being able to see glimpses of the traits that make my ex-AW a lovely person. Al-Anon has helped me more than I can say. The serenity prayer has been my go to. That and phone numbers. I took my time getting a sponsor and only had one for a few weeks before all hell broke loose. But if I hadn't had one I would have still had people from my group I could have called. 

I wouldnt say anyone.detaches with love all the time. 

I hve  friend who.is an.alcoholic.  i have.not seen.her.for.a.while. i have been.veey anvry at her. 

Just recently I moved o a place of compassion so I.may viait her.  However what visit I will.have is.going to be ahort. 

I have been there with being in.couoles.therapy.  sometimea it takea a whilee.to see.or.feel.any benefits. 

My whole self worth was.once tied up in.others.views of me.  I was very dependent.emotionally in.relationships. 

I.am not cavlier.about relationships.but lettinv go is an.easier proposition.  I.am also.qble to.distrct myself and cherish myself more.  I.have a touvh week.ahead.  i.plan on.doi v things to.refuel.emotionally.  In my relationship.with.the alcoholic i was.runing on.empty.  

The holidays are really hard when you are in.a.dysfunctional marriage.  They are pretty hard in general for.everyone.  Be kind.to yourself. 

Maresie 

Elabella - Big hugs to you! I am sending you all my light & love!!!

My STBXAH and I have a long history... 29 years. They have NOT all been good. I re-learned detaching when I got back on this site... but since we did not have a house where I could "shut him away," or make myself my own sanctuary (room) to get away from the madness, detaching was only a very temporary fix for my marriage problems. When I got strong enough within myself, I was able to detach while living with alcoholism/addiction, but my AH just kept spiraling downward. It was a very sad existence for me and my teen son, and not what I wanted in a marriage. Al-Anon and this board helped me to regain some sanity so that I could see that I was the one who ALLOWED my AH to walk all over the boundaries I set!! Then I had to work through the feelings of anger...at myself! THAT is when I realized that I HAD to enforce my major boundary I set when I took him back 7 years ago after a rehab stint. Once away from the chaos (went no contact), I found meetings I could attend, got a sponsor and began working the steps. This helped me to look back at my married life and realized it was NEVER what I wanted from a partnership, and it certainly wasn't what I wanted now. All the while AH didn't want to accept help... of any kind!
But I had learned the Three C's and I recited this slogan daily! It really helped me.

In the end, I knew in my heart that I could not live with active alcoholism/addiction, but more importantly (I think), I could not live my life waiting for a relapse. THAT made me realize that I would be the worst partner for my EX should he ever embrace sobriety.

I could not have gotten past the anger at my AH and realized this truth ABOUT MYSELF, without Al-Anon, the tools, and all the good people here at MIP!

I am going to validate your feelings of "...when does he get to face the consequences of the abusive behavior?" Because I am currently working with my sponsor with similar feelings... here I am struggling to make ends meet, living in a one room house, on assistance, drowning in debt... and all I am hearing is how well my spouse is doing in his current rehab... no stresses, no debts to pay, meals all prepared, medical all paid and taken care of. Now he is saying to his family that he doesn't want to go back to his high paying job when he leaves b/c it will be too stressful for him! Meanwhile, his son and I have had no monetary support from him... and now probably not ever. I am having to leave the job I LOVE b/c it only pays minimum wage and just isn't enough for our needs. So yea, I am holding on to some anger about him not feeling any consequences... certainly doesn't seem all that broken up about the failed marriage... or letting his son down so many times!

But my sponsor reminded me that I am not living HIS life (and thank God for that!). I don't know how much each of these things affect him. What I need is to focus just on me and my kid... not him. When you focus just on yourself, the feelings of "why can't he get his" wash away. My sponsor recommended daily GRATITUDE LISTS... and believe me, at first they were very short! But they help me find the "good" in all this. Progress not Perfection, right?

However, since I lived a very similar situation to you, I KNOW first hand how hard it was to live with the alcoholic. So my ESH is to stick with the program... read posts, work the steps, go to meetings (if you can), and ask someone in your meetings who seem at peace to be your sponsor. It is a process... and I know that "we" (meaning the affected family) want answers/solutions right away. But sometimes we are not ready to see the answers right away. There is one caveat... if it is an abusive situation - where your safety or the safety of your kids is paramount - get out! Get safe!

In the end, it was a kind, smart, old-timer on this board who said the words that ultimately made sense to me. They were... "... so your AH has not hit his bottom... but do you think perhaps YOU have hit YOURS?" It made me think, and yes, I had.

This is my ESH. Please take what you feel is right, and leave the rest. Wishing you peace today.

Namaste

Elabella, I struggled with many of these concepts. Still do. I had to just start small and build on it. One thing at a time, one day at a time. I used to sit in some of my early meetings just seething because someone was talking about some problem and how they had dealt with it and it made zero sense to me. I'd read the slogans and get mad because it sounded so ridiculous to me. Then I found a couple slogans I liked. I memorized the serenity prayer. With that I then found a few other tidbits that clicked. I found the meeting I liked. And so on. 

I like the analogy of climbing a mountain. Us newcomers stand at the bottom of this mountain, that we can't even see the top of, and try to take it all in at once. We have little experience or equipment and just see problems all the way up. But there are others there who've been up it. They talk about how they made it, how they used their gear. So, we pick up some knowledge here a bit of wisdom there and start making our way up. We fumble and slip, get frustrated, maybe even quit for awhile. Eventually we get good enough and have the tools we need to make it.