I'm sitting here with anxiety because I feel like I HAVE to snoop through my husbands phone and I'm trying so hard to not do it.
He didn't work today,said it was cancelled due to the weather.I want to believe him and it's probably true,he works outside and his work is dependent on the weather and has been cancelled before.All the other times I have snooped through his phone though,just to be sure.
How do I stop doing this?It's not as simple as just not doing it.
Why do I feel I HAVE to know is what I'm asking myself right now.Chances are even if I did snoop I would see he's telling the truth.Why do I have so much anxiety right now because I'm wanting to but haven't yet?Why does that very slim chance that he's lying upset me so much?Why would checking give me instant comfort and relief?
I don't think this is about trust at all.I think maybe it's a possibility that I need to feel in control.
He wouldn't know if I looked at his phone.And the thing is,if I started questioning him right now he would tell me to check his phone,I know this because it has happened before.But I wouldn't and haven't checked it when he's said that,instead I have waited and snooped.
Writing this out makes me realize how ridiculous it is.Now I'm not even sure if it's a control thing or if I really have lost my mind.
andromeda said
Nov 22, 2017
I'm sorry. I know this feeling well. I often caught myself snooping and finding out what I already knew and then wondering why I even bothered if I already knew the answers. I honestly felt like I HAD to know.
Your anxiety is all about something inside of you and Al Anon can help you figure out what that is. I can tell you that once I got out of my dysfunctional alcoholic marriage, I don't feel this way with anyone else or with my current partner. I don't check up on my son to catch him in his lies or his truths. I don't check up on my bf or ask to see his phone. I have learned through program that things will be revealed to us in our HP's optimal time for us and that all our snooping does is waste precious mental energy on things we can't control. For instance, if I thought that my bf was cheating on me, I would maybe want to check up on his whereabouts, call his secretary and see if he's really at office and play it off like I'm just calling to say hi, or I could figure out his pin to his phone and then snoop even more. All that work!!!! And, for what? To find out he's NOT cheating. Or, to find out he really is? In the end, though, what does that say about my character? About my trust in God and in the other person? If I want to know the answer to something, I ask the question. The response I get from the other person is on them. It's up to me to decide whether I believe them or not and with that information, I can choose how to present myself in that relationship. Snooping is all about ME and an internal struggle I have with trust, with God, etc...it's not about the other person.
Everyone lies. We all cover up truths. I've seen 2 year olds who lie convincingly and my bf's 9 year old lies so well that I think even she believes the lies she tells us. It's not about the truth or about the lie. It's about US and how we have to learn to turn the outcome over to God and to quit worrying about what's going to happen 'WHAT IF......this happens or this doesn't happen...." I've learned to ask the other side of that question, "WHAT IF NOT?"
I'm sure this is more than what you needed on this question but I hope I gave you some things to think about. Go to meetings, talk to your sponsor, and you'll find peace. I promise!
Lyne said
Nov 22, 2017
Greetings SS-Prior to Alanon, I was like Sherlock Holmes, checking up on my spouse in a variety of ways, something I had not done until she started drinking heavily and lying to me. When I felt I could no longer trust her, a panic came over me too. I HAD to know. I even called her job once to find out about an after work activity. The longer I stayed in program the more I accepted that I truly cannot control any other person but myself. I also came to realize that all my checking up really didn't help at all. I was obsessed with figuring out where she was, who she was with, and was she lying. I got really sick-had no peace, wasn't enjoying my life, and I came to the realization that I am allowing her to ruin my life-codependency at its finest . I've been in Alanon over 4 years and I have learned to put myself and my Serenity first. I do my best to detach with love, however sometimes all I can do is detach. I became a mess because of her behavior, but it was my job to straighten myself out. It's working and it's a process. Progress not perfection, Lyne
2HP said
Nov 22, 2017
We've all been there (((hugs)))
What would you do if you found out he's NOT telling the truth? That can really get me charged, when I've got some dirt on somebody.... it's an addiction all by itself.
If you think it's about control, you can re-read your post to see what kind of control you have.... of yourself. Al-anon is about self control because it's the only control we have.
when I'm obsessed over something, my mind is controlling me. Al-anon taught me to take control of my mind, not allow the other way around. It helps when I give my brain something "new" to chew on, to upload new thoughts into my system by reading our literature, or calling a friend to see what she's up to....
My sponsor used to ask me, "are your actions bringing you more PEACE, or more STRESS?" It's baffling to realize how often I didn't choose peace (the addictive nature of what I'm doing.) I still have this written on my office whiteboard....
"I can choose peace instead of (this.)"
Maresie said
Nov 22, 2017
I can tell you from the other side of that. When I stopped snooping I actually felt better. I did not trust the ex A any more but I felt a lot better. The ability ti stop.cane from being around al anon. That came from being willing to look.at the suggestions. Detaching Delaying. Askimg myself how important is this?
I was enraged atnthe ex A for good reason. He did a lot of stuff that was reprehensible. What I did in response was not that helpful. I was a compulsive reactive. I now belueve a lot of it smashing up the truck (which I.bought) was absolutely deliberate.
One of the thongs I came to realuse on reflection was that I was not that important to him. I wasn't alone the sog who he claimec to adore wasn't either.
In.addiction everything but everything goes behind whatever they are addicted to.
Other people xan tell you to stop. Stopping is not that easy.
The now ex A knew I looked at his phone. He liked my obsession. When I waa no longer obsessed he did not know how to manipulate me anymore.
I would not be so sure your husband doesnt kniw you look.at his phone. There is a dynamic at play.there with the hiding and lying. I was totally drowning in that dynamic
As far as I know the now ex.A is still at it full force no matter what the consequences are. So much.for my influence. He didnt change. I did.
Maresie
SerenityRUS said
Nov 22, 2017
Hugs,
I think the snooping was a control issue for me, then I am left with ok so I have the information what am I going to do with it. I had the double whammy of now I hurt too.
The longer I was in recovery the more I realized how much pain I have caused myself .. it's not the say that my XAH is absolved of bad behavior it's to say that I wasn't ready for the information that I found because I did nothing. Which of course then made me the victim which really sucks.
I find that my HP provides information exactly when I need it. Unless I am ready that door remains shut unless I am actively in denial about what is going on. I think the hardest part was to trust that I would find out. I was also terrified of looking like a fool and looking stupid. Let's face it .. who looks dumb me for living my life or the person who is lying and trying to figure out how to outsmart me? The only part of the deal that still kind of irritates me based upon the number of women I know who have contracted and STD from their cheating partner is have the decency to have safe sex .. it's one thing to put your own sexual health at risk it's another to do it to another person. So I seriously encourage you to get tested regularly and insist on condoms if you are still sexually active with your partner .. you have a right to be protected and no one has the right to pass on an STD without your knowledge. That is actually a crime now.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Nov 22, 2017
I agree Serenity. I finally stopped trying to"know and figure it all out " when I accepted the Spiritual fact that: what I need to know will be revealed to me in time for me to act in a constructive manner. This has proven true.
SoggySlippers said
Nov 22, 2017
Thanks for all the replies here,I really appreciate it.
I didn't snoop,instead I got busy doing other things.The urge to,and the thoughts about it were still there but then I eventually kind of forgot about it.Not snooping was much better than doing it,which surprised me since it gives me comfort and relief when I do.It actually made me feel less crazy and more in control,of myself for once.
Curlyblu said
Nov 22, 2017
Oh boy can I ever relate to this!
I relate mine now to the truth issues I have. I've been lied to so much, and watched him hide his drinking. I never thought about the what if I had actually found something, what would I do with that "information" that really wasn't mine to begin with how could I take any form of action on it. I also think it was still a part of me trying to be in control of his drinking too....that the more proof I had the more I could do to "fix" it.
Betty's comment "what I need to know will be revealed to me in time for me to act in a constructive manner." Makes so much sense...Let go and let HP.....If am to know I will find out when the time is right. Thank-you Betty I will remember your words if ever that urge to snoop comes up again.
Jerry F said
Nov 23, 2017
I love reading this and the growth in it. For me it was cured partly by the "what ifs" and "what if not's" I learned with my sponsor. So much of it had to do with my "fears of" which I just hated and then I came to the same point you did "soggy"...I forgot to follow thru on it and it just didn't matter anymore...Thank you HP...(((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Nov 23, 2017
Before Al-Anon, I wore many hats. One of these was the 'detective in charge' of all things unacceptable, intolerable, illegal, etc. I literally have spent thousands of hours snooping primarily looking for proof of usage and/or proof of dishonesty. When I arrived at Al-Anon, and others suggested that this behavior was counter-productive, a bit insane and unhealthy I was astonished!
In my controlling way of thinking, I really felt I had the right to know 'all' in my home/family. Well....clearly with this thinking (ego), I was far removed from any spiritual connection. I did stop the snooping and actually felt like I was grieving and/or withdrawing from it. It was an adjustment and what I have discovered is that more is revealed when it should be.
This was about the same time I learned to stop asking questions. My guys took my questions as intrusive and nosiness. Even if that was not my intent, they reacted to me - often unkind and certainly lacking honesty and integrity. So, I just learned to practice keeping my mouth closed, active listening and letting go.
I do relate and so understand yet I also know I got a ton of free time back by letting go...you got this and what a great and honest post!!! (((Hugs)))
I'm sitting here with anxiety because I feel like I HAVE to snoop through my husbands phone and I'm trying so hard to not do it.
He didn't work today,said it was cancelled due to the weather.I want to believe him and it's probably true,he works outside and his work is dependent on the weather and has been cancelled before.All the other times I have snooped through his phone though,just to be sure.
How do I stop doing this?It's not as simple as just not doing it.
Why do I feel I HAVE to know is what I'm asking myself right now.Chances are even if I did snoop I would see he's telling the truth.Why do I have so much anxiety right now because I'm wanting to but haven't yet?Why does that very slim chance that he's lying upset me so much?Why would checking give me instant comfort and relief?
I don't think this is about trust at all.I think maybe it's a possibility that I need to feel in control.
He wouldn't know if I looked at his phone.And the thing is,if I started questioning him right now he would tell me to check his phone,I know this because it has happened before.But I wouldn't and haven't checked it when he's said that,instead I have waited and snooped.
Writing this out makes me realize how ridiculous it is.Now I'm not even sure if it's a control thing or if I really have lost my mind.
Your anxiety is all about something inside of you and Al Anon can help you figure out what that is. I can tell you that once I got out of my dysfunctional alcoholic marriage, I don't feel this way with anyone else or with my current partner. I don't check up on my son to catch him in his lies or his truths. I don't check up on my bf or ask to see his phone. I have learned through program that things will be revealed to us in our HP's optimal time for us and that all our snooping does is waste precious mental energy on things we can't control. For instance, if I thought that my bf was cheating on me, I would maybe want to check up on his whereabouts, call his secretary and see if he's really at office and play it off like I'm just calling to say hi, or I could figure out his pin to his phone and then snoop even more. All that work!!!! And, for what? To find out he's NOT cheating. Or, to find out he really is? In the end, though, what does that say about my character? About my trust in God and in the other person? If I want to know the answer to something, I ask the question. The response I get from the other person is on them. It's up to me to decide whether I believe them or not and with that information, I can choose how to present myself in that relationship. Snooping is all about ME and an internal struggle I have with trust, with God, etc...it's not about the other person.
Everyone lies. We all cover up truths. I've seen 2 year olds who lie convincingly and my bf's 9 year old lies so well that I think even she believes the lies she tells us. It's not about the truth or about the lie. It's about US and how we have to learn to turn the outcome over to God and to quit worrying about what's going to happen 'WHAT IF......this happens or this doesn't happen...." I've learned to ask the other side of that question, "WHAT IF NOT?"
I'm sure this is more than what you needed on this question but I hope I gave you some things to think about. Go to meetings, talk to your sponsor, and you'll find peace. I promise!
We've all been there (((hugs)))
What would you do if you found out he's NOT telling the truth? That can really get me charged, when I've got some dirt on somebody.... it's an addiction all by itself.
If you think it's about control, you can re-read your post to see what kind of control you have.... of yourself. Al-anon is about self control because it's the only control we have.
when I'm obsessed over something, my mind is controlling me. Al-anon taught me to take control of my mind, not allow the other way around. It helps when I give my brain something "new" to chew on, to upload new thoughts into my system by reading our literature, or calling a friend to see what she's up to....
My sponsor used to ask me, "are your actions bringing you more PEACE, or more STRESS?" It's baffling to realize how often I didn't choose peace (the addictive nature of what I'm doing.) I still have this written on my office whiteboard....
"I can choose peace instead of (this.)"
I can tell you from the other side of that. When I stopped snooping I actually felt better. I did not trust the ex A any more but I felt a lot better. The ability ti stop.cane from being around al anon. That came from being willing to look.at the suggestions. Detaching Delaying. Askimg myself how important is this?
I was enraged atnthe ex A for good reason. He did a lot of stuff that was reprehensible. What I did in response was not that helpful. I was a compulsive reactive. I now belueve a lot of it smashing up the truck (which I.bought) was absolutely deliberate.
One of the thongs I came to realuse on reflection was that I was not that important to him. I wasn't alone the sog who he claimec to adore wasn't either.
In.addiction everything but everything goes behind whatever they are addicted to.
Other people xan tell you to stop. Stopping is not that easy.
The now ex A knew I looked at his phone. He liked my obsession. When I waa no longer obsessed he did not know how to manipulate me anymore.
I would not be so sure your husband doesnt kniw you look.at his phone. There is a dynamic at play.there with the hiding and lying. I was totally drowning in that dynamic
As far as I know the now ex.A is still at it full force no matter what the consequences are. So much.for my influence. He didnt change. I did.
Maresie
I think the snooping was a control issue for me, then I am left with ok so I have the information what am I going to do with it. I had the double whammy of now I hurt too.
The longer I was in recovery the more I realized how much pain I have caused myself .. it's not the say that my XAH is absolved of bad behavior it's to say that I wasn't ready for the information that I found because I did nothing. Which of course then made me the victim which really sucks.
I find that my HP provides information exactly when I need it. Unless I am ready that door remains shut unless I am actively in denial about what is going on. I think the hardest part was to trust that I would find out. I was also terrified of looking like a fool and looking stupid. Let's face it .. who looks dumb me for living my life or the person who is lying and trying to figure out how to outsmart me? The only part of the deal that still kind of irritates me based upon the number of women I know who have contracted and STD from their cheating partner is have the decency to have safe sex .. it's one thing to put your own sexual health at risk it's another to do it to another person. So I seriously encourage you to get tested regularly and insist on condoms if you are still sexually active with your partner .. you have a right to be protected and no one has the right to pass on an STD without your knowledge. That is actually a crime now.
Hugs S :)
I agree Serenity. I finally stopped trying to"know and figure it all out " when I accepted the Spiritual fact that: what I need to know will be revealed to me in time for me to act in a constructive manner. This has proven true.
I didn't snoop,instead I got busy doing other things.The urge to,and the thoughts about it were still there but then I eventually kind of forgot about it.Not snooping was much better than doing it,which surprised me since it gives me comfort and relief when I do.It actually made me feel less crazy and more in control,of myself for once.
Oh boy can I ever relate to this!
I relate mine now to the truth issues I have. I've been lied to so much, and watched him hide his drinking. I never thought about the what if I had actually found something, what would I do with that "information" that really wasn't mine to begin with how could I take any form of action on it. I also think it was still a part of me trying to be in control of his drinking too....that the more proof I had the more I could do to "fix" it.
Betty's comment "what I need to know will be revealed to me in time for me to act in a constructive manner." Makes so much sense...Let go and let HP.....If am to know I will find out when the time is right. Thank-you Betty I will remember your words if ever that urge to snoop comes up again.
I love reading this and the growth in it. For me it was cured partly by the "what ifs" and "what if not's" I learned with my sponsor. So much of it had to do with my "fears of" which I just hated and then I came to the same point you did "soggy"...I forgot to follow thru on it and it just didn't matter anymore...Thank you HP...(((hugs)))
In my controlling way of thinking, I really felt I had the right to know 'all' in my home/family. Well....clearly with this thinking (ego), I was far removed from any spiritual connection. I did stop the snooping and actually felt like I was grieving and/or withdrawing from it. It was an adjustment and what I have discovered is that more is revealed when it should be.
This was about the same time I learned to stop asking questions. My guys took my questions as intrusive and nosiness. Even if that was not my intent, they reacted to me - often unkind and certainly lacking honesty and integrity. So, I just learned to practice keeping my mouth closed, active listening and letting go.
I do relate and so understand yet I also know I got a ton of free time back by letting go...you got this and what a great and honest post!!! (((Hugs)))