I am really struggling to be my recovery self in the non recovery world.
I know this is not helped by my long held patterns of "all or nothing".
Example: I spent almost five years literally shut out from the world. By choice. To recover, starting with the road to rock bottom.
Now I'm on wobbly legs. It's so easy to slip into the old ways of relating and reacting.
But I don't like it.
So where do I go from here?
I feel those familiar failure feelings for making errors.
There's a part of me that always screams errors are permanent. I know this isn't true and I'm having a really hard time with that. Don't know if that makes sense.
lookingup said
Nov 22, 2017
hi a41 ,
i can so relate to how easy it is to fall back into old ways,
im finding myself also brushing up on my tools ,upping my program work,doing another throughal 12 step .
i enjoy reading your shares a41,lots of wisdom,insight,intelligence i hear from you,,,thank you,,,hugs lu
Skorpi said
Nov 22, 2017
Hi a4l,
I am a perfectionist myself, I hold myself to very high standards. I feel like something worth doing is worth doing correctly.
I recite "practice, not perfection" to myself over and over when I find myself fixated on some perceived failure of mine. I have to let go of my pride, ask HP for help, and just keep reciting "Practice, not perfection."
Anyway, that is my approach
el-cee said
Nov 22, 2017
I can totally relate, im kind of there myself, for me its the old intolerance, irritability, judging others, getting on my high horse, you know the crap distorted thinking. Then I know 'what' to do. I need to work the steps again, thoroughly, its time for another layer of the onion to peel off. Im still incorporating them in each day on some level but my perfectionism wont tolerate the things im not doing. I suppose its balance, i look at how far ive came and wow, its huge, its completely night and day, a different world, the euphoria of freedom is wearing off though so its time to take it further i think, go deeper, make those amends, clear out the closet. Get fresh.x
hotrod said
Nov 22, 2017
(((A41)) Ii find if I start my day with the serenity prayer (the moment I open my eyes) then move to a mental gratitude list while in the shower, I become focused on program and the tools seem to surface when I am tempted to pull in the old destructive tools that are still right here, flying over head. If I can start my day with the program ,I feel that he remainder of the day will go well. I may slip into old patterns because I am not focused on myself or living one day a a time but I catch myself quicker. I remind myself each day that " Life is for living, growing and learning so that when I lock myself away, afraid to make a mistake that is old behavior. Programs has provided the Steps to provied me with the tools o learn from my mistakes and grow. and beating myself up is not a program tool. Thanks for your honesty My dear friend.
Iamhere said
Nov 22, 2017
((A41)) - I too find myself at times 'stuck' in a 'rut'. My brain suggests program tools and yet my heart/soul battle with 'that'. For me, I truly need to be reminded upon awakening that I am affected directly and indirectly by this disease. It is a disease that is never cured, only arrested through recovery. I am loved by a HP that wants me to be happy, joyous and free and knows I am imperfect. When I struggle to get my mind right in recovery, I too will do gratitude lists. I add assets when I am down and I also will reach out to my sponsor or a trusted program friend.
Right, wrong or indifferent, when I am intolerant of one situation, I am already 'on notice' regarding my spiritual condition. If I am intolerant of more than one, I know I must do some step work and I always go back to step One - reminding myself that I am powerless over ....... I get mad at me for 'slipping' and that does nobody any good. The disease tells me I am unworthy, a failure and incapable of joy/peace. I have to wage war against this disease often as I am willing to fight the good fight to let things go and let God lead me where I need to go.
There are times of the year where I am sad. I am in one of them. Holidays for me just bring about fear, anxiety and more. It is harder for me to stay present and focus on the moment. Yet, I can honestly say that each time I go through 'this', it is a bit shorter and a bit easier. I appreciate your honesty and am sending you positive energy and tons of love. I also need to remember there is no finish line and WE work together to get better. (((Hugs)))
tiredtonite said
Nov 22, 2017
"There's a part of me that always screams errors are permanent. I know this isn't true and I'm having a really hard time with that. Don't know if that makes sense."
Hi a4l,
That statement made sense to me at one time too. I spent time keeping the bar raised really high for myself, trying to keep up with my perception success based on the outside world rather than my own internal "serenity " barometer. Today, I know that when I forced my will a situation, when ego is leading, the outcome is often disappointing. Honestly, some of the lessons sent by my hp left me feeling disappointed. I made lots of mistakes and continue to do so. I find comfort today in my humanity.. in knowing I'm not terminally unique, not powerful enough to singlehandedly ruin my life or someone else's for that matter. I do better holding up the world to the light of my higher power today rather than trying to hold up the world with my perceived capabilities. I accept my limits, ask for help and no longer put pressure on myself to do it all right, get it all right, worry what others will think or do if I don't get it rights. When I was a newcomer to Alanon, I was afraid to make just about any decision for fear of getting it "wrong." I believed I'd been through so much fallout from poor choices that I just couldn't risk more fallout so I did nothing. Now that was a mistake. lol My experience has been that my mistakes have not been "terminally unique" ones. Someone out there has made the same mistake and lived to tell about it and even resolved it. Hearing people tell their stories at meetings helped. Reading biographies of "successful" people with the same career aspirations helped too. The errors they made brought creative enlightment. I think we have a quote in one of our daily readers about the many failed attempts at inventing the lightbulb. Anyway, I don't know if any of this was of help. Acceptance of my humanness, self love has been the answer for me. ((hugs))) TT
2HP said
Nov 22, 2017
Great post and inspiring replies from (((all)))
They told me that if Im beating myself up, I am going backwards in recovery. My sponsor used to quote this often from the BB: "When I complain about you, or me... (it mentions me too!) ... I am complaining about God's own handiwork, I am saying that I know better than God."
The only cure for my wobbly legs (or any other sign that my life is unmanageable) is to recognize myself at a fork in the road... using my free choice however I wish but I now have the option to turn to the One whose power is in my legs, to the One who created me as a divine handiwork. Turning to become quiet and still, meditating upon the Power behind everything - this is the action of tapping into a Power Greater. It brings confidence and then I feel ready to go out and face the world. I never go to work without my "quiet time" first.
Your post also reminds me of a quote: "God does not require that we be successful, only faithful."
That sums up what Al-anon is all about to me... the daily, constant turning as the expression of my faith in a Power Greater. That is "success" in Al-anon, and gives a perfect purpose for our trials. If I could have done it on my own, I would have. I just couldn't
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 22nd of November 2017 01:45:24 PM
a4l said
Nov 22, 2017
Wow. All of you. THANK YOU. There's a lot going on with me at the moment, and I so appreciate the love, understanding and practical suggestions. I will be rereading all of you regularly, thank you so much.
Takotsubo said
Nov 28, 2017
"I find comfort today in my humanity.. in knowing I'm not terminally unique, not powerful enough to singlehandedly ruin my life or someone else's for that matter"
Thank you TT for sharing this in your post to A41 - this completely resonated with me - I am grateful that someone else thinks they can ruin someone else's life too lol. I feel that over my life I have unconsciously deliberately picked terminal relationships. ? Why??? I dont know - I come from such a grounded and loved family. It makes no sense to me. This "terminal uniqueness" is one of my biggest obstacles of how I think about myself and will remain the hardest one for me to hurdle. I tried to "support" and change my ABF's drinking and behaviours and pretty sure I just made it 100 times worse - now after joining Alanon I realise how futile this was. What a dummie. Wish I had known about this support 2 years ago - I might have had a different outcome - such a difficult and sad process - many thanks to you both for sharing
Maresie said
Nov 28, 2017
I think patience compassion and tolerance we all have in droves. We just have it for others and not for ourselves
8 try to be kinder to myself. Changing long established habits is very difficult. There is a lot of back and forth.
Sometimes withdrawing is one way to cope with deep hurt and pain. We certainly live in a dysfunctional world.
Am anon is particularly effective about teaching boundaries about living around dysfunctional situations. There is also a lot of compassion and wisdom in the program about living and dealing with double binds
The problem with many of us is the issue of living in double binds. There are certa8nnsituations where there is no #winning# there 8s simply coming out alive.
Every day I have to work on being kind loving and compassionate to myself. I shared those feelings liberally with others. Giving them to myself is another matter.
i can so relate to how easy it is to fall back into old ways,
im finding myself also brushing up on my tools ,upping my program work,doing another throughal 12 step .
i enjoy reading your shares a41,lots of wisdom,insight,intelligence i hear from you,,,thank you,,,hugs lu
I am a perfectionist myself, I hold myself to very high standards. I feel like something worth doing is worth doing correctly.
I recite "practice, not perfection" to myself over and over when I find myself fixated on some perceived failure of mine. I have to let go of my pride, ask HP for help, and just keep reciting "Practice, not perfection."
Anyway, that is my approach
(((A41)) Ii find if I start my day with the serenity prayer (the moment I open my eyes) then move to a mental gratitude list while in the shower, I become focused on program and the tools seem to surface when I am tempted to pull in the old destructive tools that are still right here, flying over head.
If I can start my day with the program ,I feel that he remainder of the day will go well. I may slip into old patterns because I am not focused on myself or living one day a a time but I catch myself quicker.
I remind myself each day that " Life is for living, growing and learning so that when I lock myself away, afraid to make a mistake that is old behavior. Programs has provided the Steps to provied me with the tools o learn from my mistakes and grow. and beating myself up is not a program tool.
Thanks for your honesty My dear friend.
Right, wrong or indifferent, when I am intolerant of one situation, I am already 'on notice' regarding my spiritual condition. If I am intolerant of more than one, I know I must do some step work and I always go back to step One - reminding myself that I am powerless over ....... I get mad at me for 'slipping' and that does nobody any good. The disease tells me I am unworthy, a failure and incapable of joy/peace. I have to wage war against this disease often as I am willing to fight the good fight to let things go and let God lead me where I need to go.
There are times of the year where I am sad. I am in one of them. Holidays for me just bring about fear, anxiety and more. It is harder for me to stay present and focus on the moment. Yet, I can honestly say that each time I go through 'this', it is a bit shorter and a bit easier. I appreciate your honesty and am sending you positive energy and tons of love. I also need to remember there is no finish line and WE work together to get better. (((Hugs)))
"There's a part of me that always screams errors are permanent. I know this isn't true and I'm having a really hard time with that. Don't know if that makes sense."
Hi a4l,
That statement made sense to me at one time too. I spent time keeping the bar raised really high for myself, trying to keep up with my perception success based on the outside world rather than my own internal "serenity " barometer. Today, I know that when I forced my will a situation, when ego is leading, the outcome is often disappointing. Honestly, some of the lessons sent by my hp left me feeling disappointed. I made lots of mistakes and continue to do so. I find comfort today in my humanity.. in knowing I'm not terminally unique, not powerful enough to singlehandedly ruin my life or someone else's for that matter. I do better holding up the world to the light of my higher power today rather than trying to hold up the world with my perceived capabilities. I accept my limits, ask for help and no longer put pressure on myself to do it all right, get it all right, worry what others will think or do if I don't get it rights. When I was a newcomer to Alanon, I was afraid to make just about any decision for fear of getting it "wrong." I believed I'd been through so much fallout from poor choices that I just couldn't risk more fallout so I did nothing. Now that was a mistake. lol My experience has been that my mistakes have not been "terminally unique" ones. Someone out there has made the same mistake and lived to tell about it and even resolved it. Hearing people tell their stories at meetings helped. Reading biographies of "successful" people with the same career aspirations helped too. The errors they made brought creative enlightment. I think we have a quote in one of our daily readers about the many failed attempts at inventing the lightbulb. Anyway, I don't know if any of this was of help. Acceptance of my humanness, self love has been the answer for me. ((hugs))) TT
Great post and inspiring replies from (((all)))
They told me that if Im beating myself up, I am going backwards in recovery. My sponsor used to quote this often from the BB: "When I complain about you, or me... (it mentions me too!) ... I am complaining about God's own handiwork, I am saying that I know better than God."
The only cure for my wobbly legs (or any other sign that my life is unmanageable) is to recognize myself at a fork in the road... using my free choice however I wish but I now have the option to turn to the One whose power is in my legs, to the One who created me as a divine handiwork. Turning to become quiet and still, meditating upon the Power behind everything - this is the action of tapping into a Power Greater. It brings confidence and then I feel ready to go out and face the world. I never go to work without my "quiet time" first.
Your post also reminds me of a quote: "God does not require that we be successful, only faithful."
That sums up what Al-anon is all about to me... the daily, constant turning as the expression of my faith in a Power Greater. That is "success" in Al-anon, and gives a perfect purpose for our trials. If I could have done it on my own, I would have. I just couldn't
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 22nd of November 2017 01:45:24 PM
Thank you TT for sharing this in your post to A41 - this completely resonated with me - I am grateful that someone else thinks they can ruin someone else's life too lol. I feel that over my life I have unconsciously deliberately picked terminal relationships. ? Why??? I dont know - I come from such a grounded and loved family. It makes no sense to me. This "terminal uniqueness" is one of my biggest obstacles of how I think about myself and will remain the hardest one for me to hurdle. I tried to "support" and change my ABF's drinking and behaviours and pretty sure I just made it 100 times worse - now after joining Alanon I realise how futile this was. What a dummie. Wish I had known about this support 2 years ago - I might have had a different outcome - such a difficult and sad process - many thanks to you both for sharing
I think patience compassion and tolerance we all have in droves. We just have it for others and not for ourselves
8 try to be kinder to myself. Changing long established habits is very difficult. There is a lot of back and forth.
Sometimes withdrawing is one way to cope with deep hurt and pain. We certainly live in a dysfunctional world.
Am anon is particularly effective about teaching boundaries about living around dysfunctional situations. There is also a lot of compassion and wisdom in the program about living and dealing with double binds
The problem with many of us is the issue of living in double binds. There are certa8nnsituations where there is no #winning# there 8s simply coming out alive.
Every day I have to work on being kind loving and compassionate to myself. I shared those feelings liberally with others. Giving them to myself is another matter.
Maresie