he doesnt lie, cheat or steal, like some. hes the hardest working man ive ever known, honest to a fault, and a good man.
And most of the time, his drinking doesnt affect anything.
Except when it does.
We are in the process of him moving from Canada to the US. He is home every other week (we purchased a house this past summer). So half the time, he isnt here. Add in the fact we have Dom/sub dynamic, which can complicate things especially from an outsiders point of view, who may not understand the rules and protocol we have between us. If you know what that is, then you might have a clue as to our situation. If you dont, the most simplified version of it is that he is in charge, always. While it is not for everyone, it is the relationship dynamic I have always been in as an adult (going on 40 years now) and that i want. We have been together 2 years and, drinking aside, have an AMAZING relationship and neither of us has ever been happier.
My problem comes in when hes been drinking and gets triggered about something. Usually, something innocuous and insignificant. Hes over it, the next day. And when I call him out on it (I may be a sub but im not a doormat), he feels like shit and apologizes. He knows what hes like in those times, and knows I am right and he was wrong. this only happens when hes not home. home with me, he doesnt drink nearly as much and has never said or done anything to be men or spiteful or to hurt my feelings.
I dont know where im going with this. just rambling i suppose. And, im pretty anti religion and while i respect those who need/use/believe in it whatever, any comments regarding religion will be totally dismissed. just being honest ;)
a4l said
Nov 21, 2017
Hi Debbie, welcome to MIP. The only requirement for alanon membership is being affected by the drinking of a loved one. The dynamic you refer to doesn't sound too unusual in the sense that the alanon program is self focused, so the vows one makes to ones relationship are really for the individual to honestly assess where and how or if those vows are impeding recovery, as time goes on. Many have struggled with religion, however alanon is a spiritual programme, not a religious one, with the concept of the higher power again being at the determination of the individual.
From time to time things pop up; the steps and traditions are the guidelines and there's also a sticky at the top of the board for the newcomers to read, which explains the board in the context of alanon.
All that said, welcome. I can identify with much of what you have shared, and have come to accept alcoholism as cunning, baffling and powerful.
I hope you will keep coming back, alcoholism is progressive and we the non drinkers can and do go down with the ship. I think you're in the right place. Right time? Only you know, but the membership requirements are always the same. Glad you stopped by.
wikedfairy said
Nov 21, 2017
thank you kindly :)
Iamhere said
Nov 21, 2017
Hey Debbie - I too send a welcome out to you....Al-Anon is the place for support and recovery for friends and family of one who drinks too much - I refrain from calling others Alcoholics unless they've admitted they are one. Alcoholism is considered a family disease as most who love or live with the disease are affected in one way or another.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and is never cured. It can be treated if one wants recovery and recovery is offered to the friends and family no matter if their person is/is not in recovery.
I hope you seek out and attend some meetings. I was grateful to know I was not alone and am grateful that others were willing to share their ESH with me so I could find my way. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
wikedfairy said
Nov 21, 2017
thank you. He knows hes an alcoholic and has a problem. :(
Curlyblu said
Nov 21, 2017
Welcome Debbie
I too can relate to a lot of what you said. My AH (common-law for 12 years), is too an honest to goodness a great man when sober. He was a recoverying A when I met him. He felt he was in control of life path enough to be a social drinker. I was clueless to what alcholism really ment. In the early years things were very good in our relationship. He too would have his triggers that would set him off on a binge, I never realized that there was an issue with his drinking until this past year, year and a half. The amount he was drinking and how often really went off the rails.
Through it all that time, he remained a good man. Always going to work. Paying bills...I guess you could say being in a way being a responsible adult. This past summer, I seen a clear picture of how far it had come, when it was effecting his outside the home life as well. He could no longer "hide" it at home.
Almost a year ago I found this group to educate myself. It's been a long journey. And a difficult one. Considering how much I love my AH.
The hardest things for me learning how this program is for me, not my AH. This is my journey learning skills I need to keep myself healthy and my mind clear. I struggle with that daily.
I totally understand the religion side of your post. One slogan stated to me along the way was....Take what you want, leave the rest. I have learnt that I have to accept I am not in control, there is something out there that is stronger and more knowing than I will ever be. Everyone has their there own way of looking at that, and their own term for it.
This is a wonderful group to have found. You will find that some member's posts will be ah-ha moments and other you may not be able to relate to all. Everyone's journey is personal and very different.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Curlyblu on Tuesday 21st of November 2017 11:21:42 AM
im debbie, and im engaged to an alcoholic.
he doesnt lie, cheat or steal, like some. hes the hardest working man ive ever known, honest to a fault, and a good man.
And most of the time, his drinking doesnt affect anything.
Except when it does.
We are in the process of him moving from Canada to the US. He is home every other week (we purchased a house this past summer). So half the time, he isnt here. Add in the fact we have Dom/sub dynamic, which can complicate things especially from an outsiders point of view, who may not understand the rules and protocol we have between us. If you know what that is, then you might have a clue as to our situation. If you dont, the most simplified version of it is that he is in charge, always. While it is not for everyone, it is the relationship dynamic I have always been in as an adult (going on 40 years now) and that i want. We have been together 2 years and, drinking aside, have an AMAZING relationship and neither of us has ever been happier.
My problem comes in when hes been drinking and gets triggered about something. Usually, something innocuous and insignificant. Hes over it, the next day. And when I call him out on it (I may be a sub but im not a doormat), he feels like shit and apologizes. He knows what hes like in those times, and knows I am right and he was wrong. this only happens when hes not home. home with me, he doesnt drink nearly as much and has never said or done anything to be men or spiteful or to hurt my feelings.
I dont know where im going with this. just rambling i suppose. And, im pretty anti religion and while i respect those who need/use/believe in it whatever, any comments regarding religion will be totally dismissed. just being honest ;)
thank you kindly :)
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and is never cured. It can be treated if one wants recovery and recovery is offered to the friends and family no matter if their person is/is not in recovery.
I hope you seek out and attend some meetings. I was grateful to know I was not alone and am grateful that others were willing to share their ESH with me so I could find my way. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Welcome Debbie
I too can relate to a lot of what you said. My AH (common-law for 12 years), is too an honest to goodness a great man when sober. He was a recoverying A when I met him. He felt he was in control of life path enough to be a social drinker. I was clueless to what alcholism really ment. In the early years things were very good in our relationship. He too would have his triggers that would set him off on a binge, I never realized that there was an issue with his drinking until this past year, year and a half. The amount he was drinking and how often really went off the rails.
Through it all that time, he remained a good man. Always going to work. Paying bills...I guess you could say being in a way being a responsible adult. This past summer, I seen a clear picture of how far it had come, when it was effecting his outside the home life as well. He could no longer "hide" it at home.
Almost a year ago I found this group to educate myself. It's been a long journey. And a difficult one. Considering how much I love my AH.
The hardest things for me learning how this program is for me, not my AH. This is my journey learning skills I need to keep myself healthy and my mind clear. I struggle with that daily.
I totally understand the religion side of your post. One slogan stated to me along the way was....Take what you want, leave the rest. I have learnt that I have to accept I am not in control, there is something out there that is stronger and more knowing than I will ever be. Everyone has their there own way of looking at that, and their own term for it.
This is a wonderful group to have found. You will find that some member's posts will be ah-ha moments and other you may not be able to relate to all. Everyone's journey is personal and very different.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Curlyblu on Tuesday 21st of November 2017 11:21:42 AM
thank you so much for your kind words :)