Hi everyone.I haven't been here in awhile,thinking I can manage things on my own,thinking I don't need other people,thinking I can just be strong and muddle through.

I think I honestly and truly am losing my mind.I have been so completely overwhelmed and consumed with my sons that are addicts and doing my best to deal with all the heartache and pain that goes along with it.But then I was caught so off guard by my husband overdosing on pain pills.I was shocked by it,I knew he likes his pills but had no clue things were that bad.I am so grateful he was revived and is ok.I feel like I died though and need to be revived.

I don't know what to do.My instincts are to run far,far away and never look back,from all of them but instead,I am here,again.I feel so broken,I feel I have hit rock bottom and I don't have the strength or energy to do anything or make any decisions right now.

I need to save myself.

Soggy Slippers...welcome home.  You have received great feedback already and I can tell you that what has been offered is what I have done since first finding the doors to the program.  You title to the post reminded me instantly that one evening while driving all over town looking for my alcoholic/addict wife (never had found her) I heard my self say open..."You're crazy ...!!  and right after that the second step took over..."Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".  The program was mysteriously starting to work on me...weird and then YAY!!  I learned more shortly afterward just by listening with an open mind...the definition of sanity..."A continuous and orderly process of thought".    I use to be employed with NASA and then this program started to appear like rocket science and I grabbed on and held on to all I could get...I still do.   At the end of our meetings it is mentioned "If you keep and open mind you will find help" that is honest and experienced suggestion from the fellowship which came before us over 60 years ago...just gotta practice, practice, practice it.     Please keep coming back cause this works when you work it  ((((hugs)))) 

 Hi SS, I echo what hotrod says here....this disease is a curse, and glad hubs didn't die, now lets talk about you and lets think about how fast you can find a face to face meeting so you can make friends and allies with folks who are working to save themselves...I loved my 2nd alcoholic but hated his disease...I wanted to get BOTH of us into 12 steps, but he refused, so I sent him away and I got into Al-anon and as many meetings and found a sponsor and made recovery friends on line, mostly because the f2f meets fizzled, but I had good online support and we would swap phone numbers....I learned that i can only help me...and that is a DAILY program....DAILY I have to check in with me..whats my thinking?? how am I doing today??? what step do I need to work today???  I kinda "get with me" on a DAILY basis or I can get into bad thinking....I can't go it alone..I have to practice each day to keep the focus on me...my needs:  my srenity and my thinking, like hotrod says.....it takes dedication and it takes a lot of detaching from the drama and dysfunction of loved ones, but I can't save them, (2 brothers, alcoholic and alcoholic/drugs)  I have to focus on the only one I can save and that is me.......glad you came here, please keep coming back....we are here and we are listening......

I think it is pretty normal to have intense feelings towards an alcoholic/addict.  Al anon is all about reducing that intensity

Al anon is also about de escalating.  The holidays in particular are a great deal of stress for people.  This afternoon I got invited to a party.  I was glad to tirn it down.  At one time I lived for such invitations. I also wante to be at the center of thpse invitations.  My expectations of both were way way off. 

Around an alcoholic it is normal to thonk their behavior is personal.  This afternoon I am goingbto work aroubd a co worker who is truly obnoxious.  In the past I would gave been obsessed with her.  Thanks to al.anon I can keep my power. 

One of the most important thingd in the program is to kearn limitations. For me face to face neetings over the holidays are very hard.  There is a lot of pain over the holidays.  I have to maximise my own focus to get through the holudays.  Whatever you need to do to get through those time is a big achievement.  On a stress level you have been through a 

Very stressful event almost off the scale.  

First things first is one of the sl8gans of our program.  There are meetings here that are a great resource.  There is a chat room here too.  There is a great chance you will know certain people in a meeting.  

Going to face to face meetings is great.  When I am at the bottom of the barrel the first thing for me is.to simplify. 

My health really suffered being around an alcoholic.  Getting my health bacj had to be a priority.  Getting out of chaos had to be  a priority too. 

Whatever you do this holiday be most.compadsionate to yoyrself.  Be kind to yoyrself first rest and give yourself a lot of space.  Space is really essential when you are on overwhelm 

Maresie 

Dear SS :) This suuupppeeerr long - you're not alone!!! :)

this is really long as I can relate on so much that you've written - I am sorry that it is a Novel & seems the more concise I tried to be the longer I think became lol - I have had very similar incidents (yup so many I can't count them on two hands and my feet).... where I thought "it" having to be resuscitated was happening to me yet they were the one having the medical crisis .... I was getting pulled in hard and fast because I care for starters... I needed an escape button and a life preserver!

I've been in and out to the rooms for over twenty years - thinking I got this; take a slogan or keep a story close to my heart I'll be ok - example an A I love would drink pass out, plus other health issues too and the need for the ambulance was an emergency and necessary and I had to call! yup I was very angrily involved in some of those incidents and desperation that I think happened so many times I became bitter, resentful, cold, insincere even occasionally with rage not pleasant at the times or Revewing back. (Step work needed for me lol)....

Heres's the kicker: after they came to - boy were "they" angry every single time too because how dare I call the EMTs to help them as they "had this" .... yup I was shocked and horrified - reviewing back my behavior and thinking too I'm gentle with myself as I loved them in those moments and I was angry with them in those moments for what I thought was their own choices to become incapacitated that an ambulance needed to be called - hone dare they, what we're they thinking, how could they do this to me, and even again? They still won't not change even though i want them to. :/

As the program has helped me over the years in many ways (even if I only picked or chose something to remember from it), here's some things people have told me about these incidents: "you can cross the bridge or stand on the shore" and "it was your choice to help".....although my mind was racing each time these problems occurred and still sometimes afterwards because then I would judge them and myself and get more sad and angry.

....for me in the F2F rooms I heard that I didn't have to stay on that merry-go-round or even buy a ticket to the circus. Those two things shocked me in a disbelief kinda of way; "what, I didn't have to be a part of their dysfunction?" Then my mind pulled back more layers of this. In fact each time I think of these incidents to review in my mind "yes that happened", "yes they are crazy" and well "this whole thing is insane" and well ....... my own awareness led to: what are my behaviors, thinking, boundaries? :/

.....Here's an example: my son was having a health crisis at the same time one of the As in my life had another medical issue needing an ambulance too at the exact same time and I was alone with the both of them..... total chaos coming at me..... they both needed to be transported to the hospital. When the EMTS came two sets of them they were looking at me like didn't know what to do like I was in charge of the both of the members (one minor oand adult, and I was mad they wouldn't just do their job and make them better or take them to the hospital....(looking back I know I felt responsible cause ones my child and ones my parent).... so one EMT asked me what do you want to do? So glad I didn't answer outloud "Quit, leave get the heck out of here" is what I said in my mind......I wanted to leave, run away, throw in the towel - was all too much - because how I can be responsible for someone else's medical issue right in the moment they are in crisis? Like I'm god or something and I know I couldn't cure them .....they needed help that I couldn't give powerless. I felt blame and shame from the EMTS (family of origins learned that that), until they said they have to say they want to go to the hospital or you say because we cant make them .and I got mad because I couldnt make anyone do anything....they said they needed medical help that they couldn't provide - wow so I had to tell them the obvious - take them to the hospital ..... I knew I couldn't cure them. What a relief to know that in that moment ......crazy thing is I thought I could in that moment and many others ..... "The Three C's" is awesome!! Been through these they are almost dead incidents loads of times :/ only from my point of view as I needed more compassion to know they were the one in crisis I was the overwhelmed witness to their need & not in control .... heard this over the years "compassion with boundaries" even from people not in the rooms. :) Sharing keeps the program alive for others to keep coming back - love this site too :)

HOPE IS In Alanon :)

 
In that moment above, I used "One moment at a time" and "Just breath" and "God help me" and "God brought me to it God will get me through it"..... in that moment looking back I have to be kind to myself as "I did the best I could at that time". My Aunt is in the program and when I would start talking, ranting, obsessing and getting angry just retelling this one in incident or any of the man she says to me: "So what are you going to do?" And that floored me! "What that was years ago!" And I went on for another few sentences and realized woah this is crazy because I'm not over this because well on and on my mind goes......when I am around the A in a medical crisis, I've had to remind myself to have the strength and awareness to keep my boundaries for my own health or I'm going to go down fast into that never-ending-pit-of-doom.

And if they seem to want to pull me into that doom....(when Im aware and as soon as I am aware)... I've had to walk away from them in those moments drinking, pill taking etc and even from asking if they are taking care of themselves properly (as it's soooo obvious they aren't why can't they see it? how come I can see it? and why don't they do something about it...... "Cunning, Baffling and Powerful" heard that too.) ... walking away physically and even mentally in those moments to breath and to just think is ok :) Another person in the program told me it's ok to take care of myself in those moments and even afterward by forgiving myself and the alcoholic too. They told me to do the steps, and go to F2F meetings and identify with some slogans as that all helps me :) hmmm again news to me it's ok to take care of myself in activities and in my own mind too in those awful stressful moments. And "oh I don't need to go I got this everything's fine again"....  

My upbringing in this disease, the Alcoholics and Addicts around me in my life (and there is so many God it's like they are everywhere?!) but recognizing that it is a disease and they can't control their part in it or what they are doing has all helped me to love them where they are at OR to not.... I can judge, hate, love, despise and even be dumbfounded by their many attempts to what I perceive is killing themselves and get all worked up and I can also choose a different way which is what I have come to know as "get off the dysfunction junction train" and enjoy the valley and mountains in my life - "How important is it?" Has helped with moments to decide to call the ambulance and knowing my obsessive thinking and worry about them and what their doing shows me that my care for them is not just care - whatever it is its not healthy for me, to be so mentally and so engrossed with their issues. I have to make boundaries for myself, in my mind to myself in those crisis moments, to get a coffee or a tea when I make time for myself or just turn on the radio and do something for me just for a minute to breath even in those medical emergencies :) Miracles do happen!

"Keep coming back" and "You're not alone" and "One Day at a Time" helps me too :) .... I've become aware that their drinking, sickness, choices, even if they try to blame me for why they drank, used or that they didn't do something they were supposed to is not my fault! That's their disease and I have my own to tend to. One lady called her Hope a hola hoop and I like that better than a brick wall. I'm a caring, loving, person and want to be having fun in my bubble and I get to choose who's in their hola hoop near me :) and if I want them in mine......if someone is drowning in a big lake into that never ending pit of doom while I'm in my hola hoop it's ok for me to pulol my phone out of my pocket ....call for experts to help them and say a prayer and even be kind practice the pause - whether they like that or not -

So Ive learned I can phone someone in the program for support and go to meetings - Take care of me in times of crisis areall new concepts for me.....this soooo new to me. I hope something I've written helped and yes I'm new officially in the literature  slogans daily and meetings when I can :) Yes the program works as know my Aunt has over thirty years in the program! Love her recovery transformation and peace! Amazing!

Just for today I can be kind to myself and "detach with love" from my Alcoholics.... if I choose to not have someone in my life I know I have to be comfortable with that decision - something I'm becoming aware of now - even if my choice is not to help them ..... what's my part in this? and what do I want? Woah! All new things to be aware of that today I have many choices :)

I hope you keep coming back and know you're not alone and this disease is crazy and I learned crazy so I'm crazy? Hmmm there is peace in the program and I need it...... "Awareness, Acceptence, Action".....Im just in awareness and that's ok today to be aware that I am aware :)

Whenever my red flags go off for this is crazy - I remember my Aunt ask me ... "So what are you going to do?" Just for today Im going to be kind to myself :) I'm going to read C2C and remember the three C's and the three A's and smile and breath :) Thank God for the program!!! And all of you in these rooms in MIP too! You rock!! :)

Big hugs SS I don't know you but I have been and am where you are with my A too. Want them to see, hear, stop doing what they are doing and know it's only me I can help today and in these moments (unless they are on the floor passed out) .... I have every right to have concern for their wellbeing and speak up One time to them and even their providers and then I have to Let Go and Let God.... very hard for me even knowing what I know - and that's ok. :) Today I am meeting my spouse his twin and their adoptive fathers sister who wants to tell them truth of that mans craziness (because they didn't know from living in it for twenty years.... while my spouse sees our infant son and I try to contain my crazy as we are separated for many reasons too being safety mine and my childrens wellbeing is in my hands and "How important is it?" Well that is very important to me for them and our futures. The AH who is active in his many uses may not like my changes and that's ok too as I have to be happy with my decisions and who I am One Day at a Time. SS I hope you have a great day and know Alanon works if you work it! :) that's what they tell me and also what I see :) There's promises in the program?! How wonderful something grand to keep my eyes on for me too! Hope and love are wonderful things in the program and heard Progress not perfection :) Alanon hugs and smiles too! 

-- Edited by MaggieRuth on Friday 1st of December 2017 06:05:05 AM

I.used to feel like that about the now ex A.  When we were separated be got diagnosed with two serious illnesses.  His mother had gone awol.  I helped him a lot.  Every week he had some crisis.  He.didnt hesitate to lay them on me.  Then I came to terms with he was still focused on being intoxicated much of the time. 

He  certainly had the life threatening illnesses.  I think for me I had to get into that I deserved a decent life too.  It is hard to come back from the adrenaline crisis that goes with the life threatening illness.  Once maybe but the ex A had a crisis a day.  He started getting legal trouble.  And the poor ma's were constant.  The poor me for his reckless.driving issues were exasperating. 

No one deserves to have that level of stress day in day out.  Even a paramedic gets to go home at night. 

Every time I helped the ex A get stable be would create another crisis.  He felt justified in stealing too. 

Getting him to cooperate on any task was fraught with anxiety. 

I got to the point in.al.anon.where I felt that I needed some reprieve.  Being all out all the time in.amger frustration.and knowing the shoe is going to drop is very very painful. 

The now ex A.was.not supportive of me.  I think that got destroyed by his addiction.  That is one trait of an alcoholic they are self serving.   I never did want to acknowledge that. 

You deserve to be in the equation too.  Your health matters.  Your mental health matters.  Your finances matter. Too.  Your future matters too.  One hallmark of an alcoholic is there is.not.much real dependable planning for the.future.  Whatever you do you deserve.a.future.   

Maresie