Hi everyone, it's been so long since I have posted here, but I read this board religiously and it keeps me grounded, especially the stories from a few of you that have recently left their alcoholic partners like me, I have been separated since July. I still try and make it to f2f meetings, and I'm in therapy, which has been great. Overall I'm doing better and better, I am loving the calm I have in my life, and finally being free from constant chaos. I am pushing ahead with my separation and my AH is still acting like a completely confused person, totally trying to paint himself as the loving husband and me as the terrible wife who is throwing her family away over nothing, just a little marital rough patch! And not going to marriage counselling, that is a whole other thing he is telling me I'm so irresponsible for that as well - "we always promised we would try if our marriage was failing" etc. He is pretending to be sober, which is interesting. This is where it gets complicated for me, I know engaging/calling out the lies of an alcoholic is pointless. I have been biting my tongue through all the obvious signs - being insanely hungover, smelling like stale booze when he visits our daughter, sleeping all day and showing up to visit our daughter at like 4 pm, diving deeper into debt, while paying nothing towards our home or childetc. (his payments come out of our joint account) the problem is because I'm not calling him on the lies, he is becoming more self-righteous with me as he feels like his charade is working - "I have made all of these changes for you, and you won't even do counselling?!" etc. Which actually fills me with momentary doubt, until I remember once again that it's totally fake. But even then, his barrage of lies have me second guessing all the time (maybe that was a bad week and he really is trying, etc.), which I find totally crazy, how gullible am I?! Go away denial, I have spent enough time with you for a lifetime. I have been trying to stay detached, I'm not interested in what he is doing, except when he tries to wield it against me like he is now, it just gets very hard not to say "you are totally lying! you are a complete trainwreck and there is no way I would ever be with you again!" - any advice? We are tied together because of our 3 year old daughter. I am trying to do this separation as civilly as possible, which he CLAIMS he will cooperate with because he doesn't want to go through lawyers, but I feel like he is just dragging things out and we will never get there. I don't really want to crush him with a legal boot at the end of our marriage if I can avoid it, I do love him and care for him a lot despite all his problems, and would like to be as fair an amicable as possible given the circumstances.
hotrod said
Nov 20, 2017
Hi Vicki alanon suggests that we be honest and open. You love your husband and are attempting to protect him so that If you believe that you will never again be open to living with him again I would simply tell him so without calling out his behavior. Keep coming bask
VickiR said
Nov 20, 2017
Hi Hotrod, thanks for the response, I have been honest and told him that. That's why I am pushing ahead with the separation agreement, he is pushing against my "irresponsible" decision based on lies that he is better.
Lyne said
Nov 20, 2017
Hi VickiR-I think I have a little ESH that I can share. Someone on this board once said if you know the answer to a question, why ask it?
I have learned to trust my gut even when my A has stared me straight in the face to say she was not drinking, when I know she was. I have learned to make decisions for myself even if it displeases or hurts my A. After all, my survival and happiness have now become my priority however I have tried to detach with love. And finally, I withdrew from the doormat club.
We are still together, 26 years, but I live half -time near my grown son, a new development as of October. The time apart is soothing and healing. There has been so much damage done, that things will never be the same. But we are both in counseling, in programs, and see an addiction counselor together. We are trying and I guess it is never too late to try. I wish you luck and keep coming back. My growth and strength only happened because of program, Lyne
2HP said
Nov 20, 2017
I really like the replies given and would add, what would be your motive for calling him out? What is the liklihood that he'll only deny it anyway?
In my experience it was another futile and painful exercise of banging my head against the wall. Do you want to be right or happy???
The dis-ease wants to protect itself and to do that, it makes people who aren't enabling it "BAD." I definitely had to go to lots of meetings to talk about it and validate that I was not crazy, because it sure made me FEEL crazy... and doubt myself.
I found peace in my ACCEPTANCE that I needed a more peaceful life and would not get it from someone I could not trust. One of the amends to myself was BELIEVING I deserved a trustworthy partner, the solution was within ME and not him or something he simply could not provide. (((hugs)))
VickiR said
Nov 20, 2017
Thanks everyone, I guess I knew the answer, and I have been doing really well so far without engaging. It gets difficult as he becomes more self-righteous, but I have definitely learned the hard way about the pointlessness of arguing or calling someone out. I do know that he is drinking a lot, which is devastating to see, and I have made my decision about moving on from our marriage. I think the reality is I need to spend less time listening to him, rather than feeling stirred by his comments. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer me.
SerenityRUS said
Nov 20, 2017
Hugs VR,
I find checking my motives, if I am validating a truth I already know then what is the point I can stand quietly in my truth and take care of me.
It always brings me back to what I have said to my kids, this went back to their friends .. so and so said I was a (fill in the blank). My response has always been if the same person called you a rock does it make it true? Their response was always NO MOM!? LOL. If someone calls me a rock it is only true if "I" believe it. So if my XAH wants to go on about the surgery and blood issues he's having that's his perception of his truth .. then that's all about the truth according to the XAH .. it doesn't mean I buy what he's selling, it just is what it is I have no need or desire to validate my choice to believe "his truth". Wasted words and breath at any point.
Big hugs, it's not easy to watch them yank a rope longer in order to make themselves feel better about themselves only to use it as their own hang noose at a later date, then be angry about it.
S :)
Aline said
Nov 20, 2017
Hi, Vicki, just wanted to say Hi. I'm glad you are feeling better and have a calmer time. Gotta go now. Hugs :)
Iamhere said
Nov 20, 2017
(((Vicki))) - sending you a nodding head - to confirm you are heard. In my experience, when I began using the tools of this program, they did react differently (badly more often) to me. It made sense as the dance we had been doing for a long while was different. Over time, as I held to my truth and built my boundaries, things settled around me.
My As tend to enjoy the drama/chaos brought by the disease. If I stayed calmly on my side of the street, and was consistent, it did generate a different dance over time. As we say, this too shall pass - so where he is and where you are will change - always does.
My point - trust the program, trust the process and do your best to work on your recovery. Let go of the results and see what happens. (((Hugs)))
Hi everyone, it's been so long since I have posted here, but I read this board religiously and it keeps me grounded, especially the stories from a few of you that have recently left their alcoholic partners like me, I have been separated since July. I still try and make it to f2f meetings, and I'm in therapy, which has been great. Overall I'm doing better and better, I am loving the calm I have in my life, and finally being free from constant chaos. I am pushing ahead with my separation and my AH is still acting like a completely confused person, totally trying to paint himself as the loving husband and me as the terrible wife who is throwing her family away over nothing, just a little marital rough patch! And not going to marriage counselling, that is a whole other thing he is telling me I'm so irresponsible for that as well - "we always promised we would try if our marriage was failing" etc. He is pretending to be sober, which is interesting. This is where it gets complicated for me, I know engaging/calling out the lies of an alcoholic is pointless. I have been biting my tongue through all the obvious signs - being insanely hungover, smelling like stale booze when he visits our daughter, sleeping all day and showing up to visit our daughter at like 4 pm, diving deeper into debt, while paying nothing towards our home or childetc. (his payments come out of our joint account) the problem is because I'm not calling him on the lies, he is becoming more self-righteous with me as he feels like his charade is working - "I have made all of these changes for you, and you won't even do counselling?!" etc. Which actually fills me with momentary doubt, until I remember once again that it's totally fake. But even then, his barrage of lies have me second guessing all the time (maybe that was a bad week and he really is trying, etc.), which I find totally crazy, how gullible am I?! Go away denial, I have spent enough time with you for a lifetime. I have been trying to stay detached, I'm not interested in what he is doing, except when he tries to wield it against me like he is now, it just gets very hard not to say "you are totally lying! you are a complete trainwreck and there is no way I would ever be with you again!" - any advice? We are tied together because of our 3 year old daughter. I am trying to do this separation as civilly as possible, which he CLAIMS he will cooperate with because he doesn't want to go through lawyers, but I feel like he is just dragging things out and we will never get there. I don't really want to crush him with a legal boot at the end of our marriage if I can avoid it, I do love him and care for him a lot despite all his problems, and would like to be as fair an amicable as possible given the circumstances.
Hi Hotrod, thanks for the response, I have been honest and told him that. That's why I am pushing ahead with the separation agreement, he is pushing against my "irresponsible" decision based on lies that he is better.
I have learned to trust my gut even when my A has stared me straight in the face to say she was not drinking, when I know she was. I have learned to make decisions for myself even if it displeases or hurts my A. After all, my survival and happiness have now become my priority however I have tried to detach with love. And finally, I withdrew from the doormat club.
We are still together, 26 years, but I live half -time near my grown son, a new development as of October. The time apart is soothing and healing. There has been so much damage done, that things will never be the same. But we are both in counseling, in programs, and see an addiction counselor together. We are trying and I guess it is never too late to try. I wish you luck and keep coming back. My growth and strength only happened because of program, Lyne
In my experience it was another futile and painful exercise of banging my head against the wall. Do you want to be right or happy???
The dis-ease wants to protect itself and to do that, it makes people who aren't enabling it "BAD." I definitely had to go to lots of meetings to talk about it and validate that I was not crazy, because it sure made me FEEL crazy... and doubt myself.
I found peace in my ACCEPTANCE that I needed a more peaceful life and would not get it from someone I could not trust. One of the amends to myself was BELIEVING I deserved a trustworthy partner, the solution was within ME and not him or something he simply could not provide. (((hugs)))
Thanks everyone, I guess I knew the answer, and I have been doing really well so far without engaging. It gets difficult as he becomes more self-righteous, but I have definitely learned the hard way about the pointlessness of arguing or calling someone out. I do know that he is drinking a lot, which is devastating to see, and I have made my decision about moving on from our marriage. I think the reality is I need to spend less time listening to him, rather than feeling stirred by his comments. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer me.
I find checking my motives, if I am validating a truth I already know then what is the point I can stand quietly in my truth and take care of me.
It always brings me back to what I have said to my kids, this went back to their friends .. so and so said I was a (fill in the blank). My response has always been if the same person called you a rock does it make it true? Their response was always NO MOM!? LOL. If someone calls me a rock it is only true if "I" believe it. So if my XAH wants to go on about the surgery and blood issues he's having that's his perception of his truth .. then that's all about the truth according to the XAH .. it doesn't mean I buy what he's selling, it just is what it is I have no need or desire to validate my choice to believe "his truth". Wasted words and breath at any point.
Big hugs, it's not easy to watch them yank a rope longer in order to make themselves feel better about themselves only to use it as their own hang noose at a later date, then be angry about it.
S :)
My As tend to enjoy the drama/chaos brought by the disease. If I stayed calmly on my side of the street, and was consistent, it did generate a different dance over time. As we say, this too shall pass - so where he is and where you are will change - always does.
My point - trust the program, trust the process and do your best to work on your recovery. Let go of the results and see what happens. (((Hugs)))