Living with an active A, at times could be pure hell. I never knew who was walking through the door. I was always on guard of what I said, as not start some pointless argument. I would often go to bed feeling empty and alone.
Now here I am getting some of what I had prayed for, yet still feeling as crappy as I had before! I don't understand it.
I had asked my AH not to come home for a while at the end of October. 13 days later he came home. And was/am very happy that I took the route I did. It gave us both time to think. I can see the honest effort he is putting in to keep himself sober. Though as much as I understand how difficult for him, as this has had control of him for many years, I still feel empty and alone.
Granted we talk more than we did while he was drinking. We plan things.
But he is still sleeping on the couch. He claims it because he can't sleep at night and tosses and turns too much to sleep in our bed.
We have yet to talk about this disease that has caused so much damage. My councellor, wants me to set boundries. Wants me to start talking using "I" statements. I don't know how or where to start.
In the evening, he seems to be ignoring me as much now as he did before. I suppose in the evening is when he feels the effects of not drinking the most, as this was "his" time. He won't say anything about it. He won't tell me how he is feeling. My councellor suggested I ask what he needs from me to help him get through this (she's an addiction councellor), does he need some space every now and then too?
What do I need? I need him to talk to me! Why do I need to him to talk to me? That's what we always did (when things were good), we talked and talked alot. And laughed, laughed lots too. As much as I can see glimmers of the man I fell for many years ago, there's a long road to go. I don't want to push the talking either. Just as confused as I was when I started this journey almost a year ago.
All I can keep doing for now is talking it out with my councellor. And take it one day at a time.
2HP said
Nov 20, 2017
I can identify with what youve written but you dont mention what step or tool you might be leaning on. what came to mind as I was reading is a slogan that gives me tremendous guidance,
LET GO AND LET GOD. Letting go of my painful thoughts (detachment) and picking up thoughts of Higher Power instead, often including the action of a mindful walk in nature or meditating or reading our literature.
Reading your post reminded me of my period of grief. I had to grieve "my old ideas" when I honestly admitted my powerlessness, grieving all the lost dreams that would never be. Our book Transforming Our Losses was very helpful to me, have you seen it?
Most important for me is to never ignore myself and ESPECIALLY never ignore the real Solution....I try to go right from "unmanageability" into "came to believe in a Power Greater...." because when I ignore the Higher Power, that is when my present moment experience takes a dive into the dumpster.
I am so glad you also have the support of a counselor (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 20th of November 2017 12:09:02 PM
SerenityRUS said
Nov 20, 2017
Hugs,
This is so difficult with expectations of what should be when it should be and how it should be because while that's in my mind it's not the plan as I see it.
Are you still attending meetings and working with a sponsor? I did my best growth during that time, both sponsor and counselor and I really needed it when I was at my most heightened emotional growth.
One thing I remember hearing around the tables from one of the long timers was how when her husband found recovery in AA she felt at her craziest because he was no longer doing the drinking and in her case there was new behavior she didn't know how to respond to.
I hope you are taking care of you and one thing I know for sure regardless of his sobriety things will never be the same as they were before. I had to let go of the dreams I thought I wanted and had for my life that in the end were what I was forcing him to be. It was honestly unfair of me in that regard.
I'm really glad you are seeing a counselor, sometimes I needed that extra alanon perspective real time. It made a HUGE difference in recovery.
Hugs S :)
Curlyblu said
Nov 20, 2017
Thank-you both.
I never thought of that.......grieving. What do I have to grieve for? I became so "comfortable" living with an AH that it was just how life was. I knew how to react how to keep functioning in my own form of normal. Even durning to times that he would have go a couple days without a drink, to "prove" to me that he didn't need to drink everyday, that too became part of my routine life.
Grieving makes sense. I have to say Good bye to that old way of functioning. And yes just as in those times of his drinking when I wiped my hands of it, and did say Let Go And Let God, I have to do that again. The slogans are again going to get me through this, even though I hadn't thought this was going to be so difficult.
My own mind needs to get cleared. Not only can I not control AH drinking I can not control what goes on within his mind. So when he is sitting "ignoring" me, I can not think of what is going on. That is for him to work on, and if he so chooses to open to me, fine.
I have to work on my own thoughts, keeping them positive. Using my supports to help me get through whatever struggles this part of the journey brings. I have never been good at looking after myself. To me it always seemed selfish. And couldn't understand what more was there to looking after myself was there, besides eat, sleep, and clean. I get it now.
andromeda said
Nov 20, 2017
Yes, it is a grieving period. It's an adjustment to what you became comfortable with, on both sides of the relationship. We create a dysfunctional mess with alcoholics. The merry go round stops going round once somebody gets off, but the other person is left feeling out of sorts, lost, and the patterns of behavior changing just makes things seem OFF.
What I'm hearing you say is that you are constantly watching him. You're paying attention to HIM and spending your precious time wondering what's going on in his mind. Is there a way you can turn the focus on yourself? Journaling? going to more meetings? Taking up knitting or a hobby to do on your own? It's your life......how do YOU want to live it?
el-cee said
Nov 21, 2017
If alcoholism is a disease then alcohol is only a symptom of the disease so to me it sounds like your husband is suffering from this disease without his own solution to it which is alcohol. It could explain his inability to sleep or his relationship problems. I dont know of anywhere that help is available but from other alcoholics at AA. I have read about experts and professionals having little success whereas other alcoholics are the very people that can help. Its the same for us. We need others who truly know and have walked in our shoes.
There is not a lot you can do about your husbands disease, your powerless, nothing we say or do can change the effects of the disease for another human and although that can be difficult to accept there's freedom in it too.
Your free to work on your own life. I would start with meetings and getting the program, its changed lives and there is also the hope that when one member of the family gets better, begins to think rationally,, understands the disease etc then the whole family benefits and sobriety has been found for some through this.
Curlyblu said
Nov 21, 2017
andromeda wrote:
Yes, it is a grieving period. It's an adjustment to what you became comfortable with, on both sides of the relationship. We create a dysfunctional mess with alcoholics. The merry go round stops going round once somebody gets off, but the other person is left feeling out of sorts, lost, and the patterns of behavior changing just makes things seem OFF.
What I'm hearing you say is that you are constantly watching him. You're paying attention to HIM and spending your precious time wondering what's going on in his mind. Is there a way you can turn the focus on yourself? Journaling? going to more meetings? Taking up knitting or a hobby to do on your own? It's your life......how do YOU want to live it?
Yesterday was clearly a pity party day for me. Having taken some time to go back and re read these posts, the answers were in front of my all along and I knew it too. I had become so comfortable with the game of guess who is coming through the door tonight, I knew how to behave living with an active AH....sort of. That now when AH has jumped off the merry go round, I am left spinning by myself. I was extremely dizzy yesterday.
I see today, how I was acting in a very simular manner to when he was drinking. The watching him, I used to watch for signs of his drinking. Now I had been watching for signs that he doing good/bad. Who's watching me?
I realized too, that I had learnt to focus on me a little more while he was away from home. I started doing things that made me feel good, even something as painful as cleaning the fridge made me happy LOL! Yes I had even returned to an old hobby that now sits idle since AH came home. Why because I clearly was/am co dependant on his behavior.
I needed to take a step back, stumble a little, and realize I was on the right track when I asked him not to return home. Why did I let that change when he came home? Out of habit, the habit of being his care giver. I never thought I was..... I may not have done things to provide care like giving him a blanket if he was sleeping on the couch, or making sure his laundry was washed. But I did provide mental care, constantly worrying about him.
A step back to keep moving forward. Thank-you everyone for your shares. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know
Living with an active A, at times could be pure hell. I never knew who was walking through the door. I was always on guard of what I said, as not start some pointless argument. I would often go to bed feeling empty and alone.
Now here I am getting some of what I had prayed for, yet still feeling as crappy as I had before! I don't understand it.
I had asked my AH not to come home for a while at the end of October. 13 days later he came home. And was/am very happy that I took the route I did. It gave us both time to think. I can see the honest effort he is putting in to keep himself sober. Though as much as I understand how difficult for him, as this has had control of him for many years, I still feel empty and alone.
Granted we talk more than we did while he was drinking. We plan things.
But he is still sleeping on the couch. He claims it because he can't sleep at night and tosses and turns too much to sleep in our bed.
We have yet to talk about this disease that has caused so much damage. My councellor, wants me to set boundries. Wants me to start talking using "I" statements. I don't know how or where to start.
In the evening, he seems to be ignoring me as much now as he did before. I suppose in the evening is when he feels the effects of not drinking the most, as this was "his" time. He won't say anything about it. He won't tell me how he is feeling. My councellor suggested I ask what he needs from me to help him get through this (she's an addiction councellor), does he need some space every now and then too?
What do I need? I need him to talk to me! Why do I need to him to talk to me? That's what we always did (when things were good), we talked and talked alot. And laughed, laughed lots too. As much as I can see glimmers of the man I fell for many years ago, there's a long road to go. I don't want to push the talking either. Just as confused as I was when I started this journey almost a year ago.
All I can keep doing for now is talking it out with my councellor. And take it one day at a time.
I can identify with what youve written but you dont mention what step or tool you might be leaning on. what came to mind as I was reading is a slogan that gives me tremendous guidance,
LET GO AND LET GOD. Letting go of my painful thoughts (detachment) and picking up thoughts of Higher Power instead, often including the action of a mindful walk in nature or meditating or reading our literature.
Reading your post reminded me of my period of grief. I had to grieve "my old ideas" when I honestly admitted my powerlessness, grieving all the lost dreams that would never be. Our book Transforming Our Losses was very helpful to me, have you seen it?
Most important for me is to never ignore myself and ESPECIALLY never ignore the real Solution....I try to go right from "unmanageability" into "came to believe in a Power Greater...." because when I ignore the Higher Power, that is when my present moment experience takes a dive into the dumpster.
I am so glad you also have the support of a counselor (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 20th of November 2017 12:09:02 PM
This is so difficult with expectations of what should be when it should be and how it should be because while that's in my mind it's not the plan as I see it.
Are you still attending meetings and working with a sponsor? I did my best growth during that time, both sponsor and counselor and I really needed it when I was at my most heightened emotional growth.
One thing I remember hearing around the tables from one of the long timers was how when her husband found recovery in AA she felt at her craziest because he was no longer doing the drinking and in her case there was new behavior she didn't know how to respond to.
I hope you are taking care of you and one thing I know for sure regardless of his sobriety things will never be the same as they were before. I had to let go of the dreams I thought I wanted and had for my life that in the end were what I was forcing him to be. It was honestly unfair of me in that regard.
I'm really glad you are seeing a counselor, sometimes I needed that extra alanon perspective real time. It made a HUGE difference in recovery.
Hugs S :)
Thank-you both.
I never thought of that.......grieving. What do I have to grieve for? I became so "comfortable" living with an AH that it was just how life was. I knew how to react how to keep functioning in my own form of normal. Even durning to times that he would have go a couple days without a drink, to "prove" to me that he didn't need to drink everyday, that too became part of my routine life.
Grieving makes sense. I have to say Good bye to that old way of functioning. And yes just as in those times of his drinking when I wiped my hands of it, and did say Let Go And Let God, I have to do that again. The slogans are again going to get me through this, even though I hadn't thought this was going to be so difficult.
My own mind needs to get cleared. Not only can I not control AH drinking I can not control what goes on within his mind. So when he is sitting "ignoring" me, I can not think of what is going on. That is for him to work on, and if he so chooses to open to me, fine.
I have to work on my own thoughts, keeping them positive. Using my supports to help me get through whatever struggles this part of the journey brings. I have never been good at looking after myself. To me it always seemed selfish. And couldn't understand what more was there to looking after myself was there, besides eat, sleep, and clean. I get it now.
What I'm hearing you say is that you are constantly watching him. You're paying attention to HIM and spending your precious time wondering what's going on in his mind. Is there a way you can turn the focus on yourself? Journaling? going to more meetings? Taking up knitting or a hobby to do on your own? It's your life......how do YOU want to live it?
If alcoholism is a disease then alcohol is only a symptom of the disease so to me it sounds like your husband is suffering from this disease without his own solution to it which is alcohol. It could explain his inability to sleep or his relationship problems. I dont know of anywhere that help is available but from other alcoholics at AA. I have read about experts and professionals having little success whereas other alcoholics are the very people that can help. Its the same for us. We need others who truly know and have walked in our shoes.
There is not a lot you can do about your husbands disease, your powerless, nothing we say or do can change the effects of the disease for another human and although that can be difficult to accept there's freedom in it too.
Your free to work on your own life. I would start with meetings and getting the program, its changed lives and there is also the hope that when one member of the family gets better, begins to think rationally,, understands the disease etc then the whole family benefits and sobriety has been found for some through this.
Yesterday was clearly a pity party day for me. Having taken some time to go back and re read these posts, the answers were in front of my all along and I knew it too. I had become so comfortable with the game of guess who is coming through the door tonight, I knew how to behave living with an active AH....sort of. That now when AH has jumped off the merry go round, I am left spinning by myself. I was extremely dizzy yesterday.
I see today, how I was acting in a very simular manner to when he was drinking. The watching him, I used to watch for signs of his drinking. Now I had been watching for signs that he doing good/bad. Who's watching me?
I realized too, that I had learnt to focus on me a little more while he was away from home. I started doing things that made me feel good, even something as painful as cleaning the fridge made me happy LOL! Yes I had even returned to an old hobby that now sits idle since AH came home. Why because I clearly was/am co dependant on his behavior.
I needed to take a step back, stumble a little, and realize I was on the right track when I asked him not to return home. Why did I let that change when he came home? Out of habit, the habit of being his care giver. I never thought I was..... I may not have done things to provide care like giving him a blanket if he was sleeping on the couch, or making sure his laundry was washed. But I did provide mental care, constantly worrying about him.
A step back to keep moving forward. Thank-you everyone for your shares. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know