Need help in understanding my relationship with AH
Dancer66 said
Nov 20, 2017
This is all so hard and I am soooooo thankful I have found this community to help me through this difficult time, and allows me to vent frustrations.
So as I have said before in other posts--my AH is one that drinks only at night and usually 3-4 beers about 4 -5 nights a week. In order to cope and keep sane and take care of myself I stay out of whatever room he is in. So if he is in front room drinking and yelling at TV or watching game then I go in the back room.
So I am struggling with a couple of things--one is how and when to spend time with AH. I talked with him this last week that I was feeling so lonely and angry because all he does is watch TV in evenings and usually drinks and he is never spending time with me. (And I should mention for the last 1+ year I have been suffering with physical injury/pain issues so can't do a lot of active things). And also I told him that I feel like I am just a roommate in the house--besides the checking in on who is picking up kids we barely talk. I shared with him that early on in our relationship that he would comment a lot on what I did, my caring nature, things he admired about me, etc. Now he doesn't comment at all--not what I do or how I look--nothing. I know we are drifting a part and I don't know how to get back on track. He refuses counseling. I have asked him for more time together. I have asked for him to do things like take a walk which he says doesn't interest him, but then he has offered dance class which I have said no to--because I can't with my pain issue now and also he talks all about himself "look at what I did, look how good I'm doing"--never acknowledge me (so I hate it). He and I have different interests--so like in evening we like different TV shows and he loves to watch sports. I could try to watch his sports games with him--it is just so uncomfortable because he is always drinking and then texting people so it is still like I'm not there. He is really kind of a jerk too and likes to hold things against you (emotionally abusive kind of) --like today I was going to volunteer for an upcoming evening to help chaperone at a church function our kids would be at, but then he says so kids are gone and gives me a look that says--if you do that then you can't say I didn't spend time with you.
And it is hard because there is so much stuff that needs to be done around house--and my AH does not help out at all. So thankfully my kids help with chores. AH will not help, gets mad when I ask more than once, if I put up a note gets mad and still doesn't help. So it does just increase my anger and frustration with him. I have learned to just let things go and try to not let them bother me. And to make adjustments - so like since I'm tired of no help with dishes after I've worked a 10 hour day on my feet and then come home and cook dinner -- I use paper products so less dishes.
I know that we need to spend time together and interact--but it is hard. So many things have changed in our relationship that spending time together is awkward (and it didn't use to be).
Do I try to be there while he is watching the game even if he is drinking--because then I am afraid he will just accuse me of trying to monitor him even though I don't talk about his drinking (learned that one from alanon--not to bring it up). I feel either way is wrong don't spend time with him (when he;s drinking)--he'll hold it against me-- and if I do spend time with him while drinking he will feel like i'm watching over him.
I work most days - so only time I have to exercise or get together with a friend is evening--but if I schedule these things for me--then he says I took time away not him (he works from home so he can schedule time for exercise, talks with friends, etc throughout the day).
How do I find balance? What are suggestions for things for us to do to interact together --that are not going out to eat and drink and not too physical (I have problems with my hand and my legs/hips--so things like bowling and heavy activity are out. He doesn't like artsy stuff and he does not want to do volunteer work together. I guess i could try to find smoother type of class like maybe a conversational spanish class? (doubt he'd be willing).
What suggestions do you have for things that we could do together, maybe even meet people and stay away from alcohol? What things could we do to increase our interactions?
I feel like I have to make changes. I know the I have felt more comfortable spending less time with him because he is always drinking when I am home in evening. But if this then causing even more relationship problems? Or am I jest going crazy?
hotrod said
Nov 20, 2017
Hi Dancer You are not insane. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here that I received the clarity I needed in order to rebuild my self esteem and self worth . Keep coming back here as well. You are not alone.
Iamhere said
Nov 20, 2017
(((Dancer))) - living with this disease is almost too much for most of us. I can so relate to what you've shared and I agree that you are not insane. The disease just brings about a set of facts that are different than expected and based on this, I had to learn a new way to live and find joy.
I too would recommend getting entrenched in the program of recovery (Al-Anon). For me, this truly was what helped me establish a better way of being, doing and living. As we each have different wants/needs, the best gift of Al-Anon is there is no One Size Fits All Solution - we get to use the tools in the best way to get our needs met.
There is hope and help in recovery - you're not alone!
This is all so hard and I am soooooo thankful I have found this community to help me through this difficult time, and allows me to vent frustrations.
So as I have said before in other posts--my AH is one that drinks only at night and usually 3-4 beers about 4 -5 nights a week. In order to cope and keep sane and take care of myself I stay out of whatever room he is in. So if he is in front room drinking and yelling at TV or watching game then I go in the back room.
So I am struggling with a couple of things--one is how and when to spend time with AH. I talked with him this last week that I was feeling so lonely and angry because all he does is watch TV in evenings and usually drinks and he is never spending time with me. (And I should mention for the last 1+ year I have been suffering with physical injury/pain issues so can't do a lot of active things). And also I told him that I feel like I am just a roommate in the house--besides the checking in on who is picking up kids we barely talk. I shared with him that early on in our relationship that he would comment a lot on what I did, my caring nature, things he admired about me, etc. Now he doesn't comment at all--not what I do or how I look--nothing. I know we are drifting a part and I don't know how to get back on track. He refuses counseling. I have asked him for more time together. I have asked for him to do things like take a walk which he says doesn't interest him, but then he has offered dance class which I have said no to--because I can't with my pain issue now and also he talks all about himself "look at what I did, look how good I'm doing"--never acknowledge me (so I hate it). He and I have different interests--so like in evening we like different TV shows and he loves to watch sports. I could try to watch his sports games with him--it is just so uncomfortable because he is always drinking and then texting people so it is still like I'm not there. He is really kind of a jerk too and likes to hold things against you (emotionally abusive kind of) --like today I was going to volunteer for an upcoming evening to help chaperone at a church function our kids would be at, but then he says so kids are gone and gives me a look that says--if you do that then you can't say I didn't spend time with you.
And it is hard because there is so much stuff that needs to be done around house--and my AH does not help out at all. So thankfully my kids help with chores. AH will not help, gets mad when I ask more than once, if I put up a note gets mad and still doesn't help. So it does just increase my anger and frustration with him. I have learned to just let things go and try to not let them bother me. And to make adjustments - so like since I'm tired of no help with dishes after I've worked a 10 hour day on my feet and then come home and cook dinner -- I use paper products so less dishes.
I know that we need to spend time together and interact--but it is hard. So many things have changed in our relationship that spending time together is awkward (and it didn't use to be).
Do I try to be there while he is watching the game even if he is drinking--because then I am afraid he will just accuse me of trying to monitor him even though I don't talk about his drinking (learned that one from alanon--not to bring it up). I feel either way is wrong don't spend time with him (when he;s drinking)--he'll hold it against me-- and if I do spend time with him while drinking he will feel like i'm watching over him.
I work most days - so only time I have to exercise or get together with a friend is evening--but if I schedule these things for me--then he says I took time away not him (he works from home so he can schedule time for exercise, talks with friends, etc throughout the day).
How do I find balance? What are suggestions for things for us to do to interact together --that are not going out to eat and drink and not too physical (I have problems with my hand and my legs/hips--so things like bowling and heavy activity are out. He doesn't like artsy stuff and he does not want to do volunteer work together. I guess i could try to find smoother type of class like maybe a conversational spanish class? (doubt he'd be willing).
What suggestions do you have for things that we could do together, maybe even meet people and stay away from alcohol? What things could we do to increase our interactions?
I feel like I have to make changes. I know the I have felt more comfortable spending less time with him because he is always drinking when I am home in evening. But if this then causing even more relationship problems? Or am I jest going crazy?
Hi Dancer You are not insane. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here that I received the clarity I needed in order to rebuild my self esteem and self worth .
Keep coming back here as well. You are not alone.
I too would recommend getting entrenched in the program of recovery (Al-Anon). For me, this truly was what helped me establish a better way of being, doing and living. As we each have different wants/needs, the best gift of Al-Anon is there is no One Size Fits All Solution - we get to use the tools in the best way to get our needs met.
There is hope and help in recovery - you're not alone!