... and as an adult member of Alanon, I'm grateful for lessons learned in this program. I wish my non alcoholic parent had had the benefit of this program when I was living in our home with an active alcoholic. If my parent had been a member of Alanon, they might have read the Merrygoround of Denial pamphlet and gained awareness of how family roles can be skewed. My parent might have had a sponsor to call, to confide in about the condition of their marriage. They might not have used me as their sounding board and confidant with whom they shared the details of a union or thoughts of severing their marriage. I might have not felt responsible for allegiance to my non alcoholic parent. I might not have seen my alcoholic parent as someone inferior, to be managed rather than my parent. I might not have felt my alcoholic parent was worthy of betrayal at one moment and seen myself as important and adultlike when invited by my non alcoholic parent into an adult conversations to which I could not contribute having never experienced marriage.
My sibling and I were imprinted with the feelings of our non alcoholic parent at a young age. We had our own feelings about our alcoholic parent and they were separate from each other's and separate from that the feelings of a spouse, our non alcoholic parent. I can only speak for myself, but I was given open permission to be disrespectful of my drinking parent to not give them parental respect because of their alcoholism. It was common to huddle in a separate room together bashing the "sick" one. We reeked of dysfunction. I wish Alanon had been a part of our life back then. If so, maybe our hurts would have manifested into recovery rather than getting drunk on feelings of resentment and victimization. I didn't exchange a civil word with my alcoholic parent for nearly fifteen years while living under the same roof. At our house, I didn't have to show any respect because my non alcoholic parent had decided the alcoholic wasn't being a parent and didn't deserve respect. So there were two camps in our house, camp number one - the non alcoholic parent and children and camp number two - the alcoholic on their own.
I decided to expand my horizons when I was in my late twenties. I had no Alanon yet because if I had I would have likely used JADE. I would not have chosen to justify, argue, defend or explain myself to my non alcoholic parent for the action I planned to take. But because I had no Alanon and because my desire to know truly know my alcoholic parent was so intense, I told my non alcoholic parent that I had planned to go directly to my alcoholic parent, tell them that I love them and want them in my life more and want to know them more. This was frightening to me as an acoa because I thought my non alcoholic parent would feel hurt that I would offer the same love I gave them to the alcoholic after they had shown up for us kids and the alcoholic in many ways had not. I also feared I might be met with unkindness and rejection by the alcoholic. In both cases I was wrong. I was lucky really because it could have happened, but I wanted if I could to know and give love two parents.
OK so what's the point I'm trying to make here? I guess it's that I'm grateful to understand alcoholism for the illness that it is. I wish we'd known that back then. It would have helped me to see my alcoholic parent as a person beyond the disease of alcoholism. Maybe my non alcoholic parent would have been able to show more compassion and forgiveness might have come a bit easier with Alanon. As a family we might have treated the alcoholic like a member of the family and acknowledged their good qualities and participation rather than detaching with an axe and treating them like something to be dealt with or shunned. I'm grateful for this program and for the chance I was given through the grace of my higher power to work recovery with both my parents and have a healthier relationship with each of them in the remaining years that I had them. Thanks for letting me share. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 17th of November 2017 04:58:05 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 17th of November 2017 05:03:40 PM
Aline said
Nov 17, 2017
Thank you for your share, TT. This brings my thoughts to my 9 year old sister from my A father's 2nd marriage. She has and continues to live in considerably greater dysfunction than I ever had. Maybe my being in recovery will help her to see that treating the A with courtesy is an option... I am not a big part of her life, though, and this is a good reminder for me to be there more for her. I used to be so deep in my own misery I had no energy for anyone else, having spent everything on my A partner, but now that I'm better I suppose habit as well as plain selfishness play a role. Not that I can erase the effects the disease has on her, of course..
Isthisreallife said
Nov 18, 2017
Thank you for your post. My A is self destructing at an alarming rate and there isn't much i can do but shield my children. I wonder about the way they see their father and what the right thing to do is. He has no intention of getting help or acknowledging he has a problem with alcohol and narcotics. Do I stay for the children or do I leave for them? Sorry for the odd reply... I'm trying to sort things out
el-cee said
Nov 18, 2017
What a beautiful post, like an amends to yourself or your child self, your non alcoholic parent and the alcoholic parent. Isnt this the goal in Alanon? True understanding of our own role and how the disease impacted on parents and the family as a whole.
I could identify, I was the non alcoholic parent and I kind of read your words as if my kids were saying them and yes they could say it all. I didn't respect the alcoholic as a parent or husband. I held him in contempt believing somewhere inside him was what I wanted, a good father, a loving husband, the dream I clung to for years and I truly believed he was withholding it from us, I thought he had judged me and our family as unworthy of this other person inside him that he wouldn't give us.
So, the disease worked its way through me and us like a poison. My resentment grew and grew until I was crazy with rage, disappointment, frustration. I became determined to get what I deemed I deserved and I began the control fixer manipulator mothering roles in a desperate and useless attempt to get him sober because that was like the gold at the end of the rainbow. If he chose to stop drinking for our family then everything would be perfect and just the way I wanted it.
Like a dog with a bone, obsession, consuming obsession, often I couldn't think of anything else except this man and everything he was doing wrong and how I would try different tactics to make him see sense and ultimately give me what I wanted. All very child like, reminds me of life on lifes terms. During these years I wanted life on my terms at all costs. In the midst of this insanity my children were neglected, ok they were fed, clothed etc but they just interfered with my obsession and stopped me from watching him as intensely as I thought I needed to because I knew the more I knew about him then the closer I was to finding the solution to stop him drinking.
So my kids became a burden to me. So I hurried through all my responsibilities as a Mother, playing with them, talking with them happened incidentally, meeting their emotional needs, no way, I couldn't meet anyones. I used them against him at times, but remember in my mind this was justified and may be the key to getting him to sober up. I would confide in all my children in despair, when I think of that today it makes me so sad. My youngest son had a relationship with him, he loved him despite me and he became my confidant from an early age and all that poor me spilled out onto him and I must have distorted his love for his Dad and that is wrong. I'm truly sorry for that. Why did I do that? I'm not fully aware yet but I think I had isolated myself so much through shame that I had no one else to confide in and there was no hiding it all from them anyway. I was selfish and self obsessed so being able to empathise with my own children became near impossible. It was honestly like living as a blind person. I couldn't see my children as individual people with individual needs separate from me.
Its funny I complained for years that my ex was absent emotionally, but I too became everything I complained about in him. God, the damage done is obvious in my family. Each of my children have their own issues and I put it all down to this disease and I can see how it passes from generation to generation. The hope though - I'm in recovery, I'm thinking differently and I'm passing on a new message as best as I can. Hes in recovery too, sober now and so between us the right things are being done more and more one day at a time. Its a time of healing in our family, its a calmer time but ive got one son dabbling in drugs, cant live in his own head, another who is a problem drinker in need of help and a daughter who is a perfectionist like me with all the misery that brings.
Thank you for Alanon because I would have been flailing around in all this blaming the alcoholic and so taking no responsibility for improving my own life and making these living amends. Guilt is useless and destructive and so I remember that I did the best with what I knew and had at the time and that is true. Thank you.x
Maresie said
Nov 18, 2017
I have been arpund some alcoholic men lately who have abandoned their families. I thought how sad it was that they were not going to experience a Christmas with their children.
My own sister was an alcoholic. She had two boys one of whom shows signs of alcoholism. I would agonise over their plight. Eventually I came to see that I was entirely powerless.
Coming from a dysfunctional family has been difficult for me.
I am far more atabke these days and I certainly had to do a lot of work to cope with it. The feelings still come up.For me now but it is not.as catastrophic.
... and as an adult member of Alanon, I'm grateful for lessons learned in this program. I wish my non alcoholic parent had had the benefit of this program when I was living in our home with an active alcoholic. If my parent had been a member of Alanon, they might have read the Merrygoround of Denial pamphlet and gained awareness of how family roles can be skewed. My parent might have had a sponsor to call, to confide in about the condition of their marriage. They might not have used me as their sounding board and confidant with whom they shared the details of a union or thoughts of severing their marriage. I might have not felt responsible for allegiance to my non alcoholic parent. I might not have seen my alcoholic parent as someone inferior, to be managed rather than my parent. I might not have felt my alcoholic parent was worthy of betrayal at one moment and seen myself as important and adultlike when invited by my non alcoholic parent into an adult conversations to which I could not contribute having never experienced marriage.
My sibling and I were imprinted with the feelings of our non alcoholic parent at a young age. We had our own feelings about our alcoholic parent and they were separate from each other's and separate from that the feelings of a spouse, our non alcoholic parent. I can only speak for myself, but I was given open permission to be disrespectful of my drinking parent to not give them parental respect because of their alcoholism. It was common to huddle in a separate room together bashing the "sick" one. We reeked of dysfunction. I wish Alanon had been a part of our life back then. If so, maybe our hurts would have manifested into recovery rather than getting drunk on feelings of resentment and victimization. I didn't exchange a civil word with my alcoholic parent for nearly fifteen years while living under the same roof. At our house, I didn't have to show any respect because my non alcoholic parent had decided the alcoholic wasn't being a parent and didn't deserve respect. So there were two camps in our house, camp number one - the non alcoholic parent and children and camp number two - the alcoholic on their own.
I decided to expand my horizons when I was in my late twenties. I had no Alanon yet because if I had I would have likely used JADE. I would not have chosen to justify, argue, defend or explain myself to my non alcoholic parent for the action I planned to take. But because I had no Alanon and because my desire to know truly know my alcoholic parent was so intense, I told my non alcoholic parent that I had planned to go directly to my alcoholic parent, tell them that I love them and want them in my life more and want to know them more. This was frightening to me as an acoa because I thought my non alcoholic parent would feel hurt that I would offer the same love I gave them to the alcoholic after they had shown up for us kids and the alcoholic in many ways had not. I also feared I might be met with unkindness and rejection by the alcoholic. In both cases I was wrong. I was lucky really because it could have happened, but I wanted if I could to know and give love two parents.
OK so what's the point I'm trying to make here? I guess it's that I'm grateful to understand alcoholism for the illness that it is. I wish we'd known that back then. It would have helped me to see my alcoholic parent as a person beyond the disease of alcoholism. Maybe my non alcoholic parent would have been able to show more compassion and forgiveness might have come a bit easier with Alanon. As a family we might have treated the alcoholic like a member of the family and acknowledged their good qualities and participation rather than detaching with an axe and treating them like something to be dealt with or shunned. I'm grateful for this program and for the chance I was given through the grace of my higher power to work recovery with both my parents and have a healthier relationship with each of them in the remaining years that I had them. Thanks for letting me share. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 17th of November 2017 04:58:05 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 17th of November 2017 05:03:40 PM
What a beautiful post, like an amends to yourself or your child self, your non alcoholic parent and the alcoholic parent. Isnt this the goal in Alanon? True understanding of our own role and how the disease impacted on parents and the family as a whole.
I could identify, I was the non alcoholic parent and I kind of read your words as if my kids were saying them and yes they could say it all. I didn't respect the alcoholic as a parent or husband. I held him in contempt believing somewhere inside him was what I wanted, a good father, a loving husband, the dream I clung to for years and I truly believed he was withholding it from us, I thought he had judged me and our family as unworthy of this other person inside him that he wouldn't give us.
So, the disease worked its way through me and us like a poison. My resentment grew and grew until I was crazy with rage, disappointment, frustration. I became determined to get what I deemed I deserved and I began the control fixer manipulator mothering roles in a desperate and useless attempt to get him sober because that was like the gold at the end of the rainbow. If he chose to stop drinking for our family then everything would be perfect and just the way I wanted it.
Like a dog with a bone, obsession, consuming obsession, often I couldn't think of anything else except this man and everything he was doing wrong and how I would try different tactics to make him see sense and ultimately give me what I wanted. All very child like, reminds me of life on lifes terms. During these years I wanted life on my terms at all costs. In the midst of this insanity my children were neglected, ok they were fed, clothed etc but they just interfered with my obsession and stopped me from watching him as intensely as I thought I needed to because I knew the more I knew about him then the closer I was to finding the solution to stop him drinking.
So my kids became a burden to me. So I hurried through all my responsibilities as a Mother, playing with them, talking with them happened incidentally, meeting their emotional needs, no way, I couldn't meet anyones. I used them against him at times, but remember in my mind this was justified and may be the key to getting him to sober up. I would confide in all my children in despair, when I think of that today it makes me so sad. My youngest son had a relationship with him, he loved him despite me and he became my confidant from an early age and all that poor me spilled out onto him and I must have distorted his love for his Dad and that is wrong. I'm truly sorry for that. Why did I do that? I'm not fully aware yet but I think I had isolated myself so much through shame that I had no one else to confide in and there was no hiding it all from them anyway. I was selfish and self obsessed so being able to empathise with my own children became near impossible. It was honestly like living as a blind person. I couldn't see my children as individual people with individual needs separate from me.
Its funny I complained for years that my ex was absent emotionally, but I too became everything I complained about in him. God, the damage done is obvious in my family. Each of my children have their own issues and I put it all down to this disease and I can see how it passes from generation to generation. The hope though - I'm in recovery, I'm thinking differently and I'm passing on a new message as best as I can. Hes in recovery too, sober now and so between us the right things are being done more and more one day at a time. Its a time of healing in our family, its a calmer time but ive got one son dabbling in drugs, cant live in his own head, another who is a problem drinker in need of help and a daughter who is a perfectionist like me with all the misery that brings.
Thank you for Alanon because I would have been flailing around in all this blaming the alcoholic and so taking no responsibility for improving my own life and making these living amends. Guilt is useless and destructive and so I remember that I did the best with what I knew and had at the time and that is true. Thank you.x
I have been arpund some alcoholic men lately who have abandoned their families. I thought how sad it was that they were not going to experience a Christmas with their children.
My own sister was an alcoholic. She had two boys one of whom shows signs of alcoholism. I would agonise over their plight. Eventually I came to see that I was entirely powerless.
Coming from a dysfunctional family has been difficult for me.
I am far more atabke these days and I certainly had to do a lot of work to cope with it. The feelings still come up.For me now but it is not.as catastrophic.
Maresie