Yesterday I told my son that I changed the legal separation to DIVORCE. I told him that it took awhile, but in looking inward and working on me, I realized that even if his dad came out of rehab a new and improved version of himself, I would be thankful for that, and so happy FOR HIM, but I found that I will always be wondering if he would relapse. I felt that this wasn't a way for me to live my life. And it would make me a terrible partner for his dad, so new into his sobriety. I have come to accept that this is how I feel. Period. I also said that I wanted to make amends and tell him that I am truly sorry that his dad and I did not give him a "good" marriage role model. I told him that although I thought I had tried my very best to provide that role model, I could not control the actions of another person... and it takes two to make a great marriage. I accepted my part in this chaos, and I explained what it was... I allowed my boundary to be walked all over because of 1)his father's gaslighting and MY reactions to it - in other words, I didn't use my Al-Anon tools, I let those feelings run away with my good sense. and 2) I allowed my FEAR of being destitute control everything I did... or didn't do for way too long, and I was truly sorry for the effect it may have on him.
My son answers were full of "it's not your fault, mom," and "we did our best with the situation." But it was his total lack of interest in future marriage that interested me. I told him, "You are young. But someday when you're older, you may wonder why you have the feelings you do towards marriage. That is why I am making amends to you now."
I then had to tell him that his dad's sister called me last week and I had been sitting on what she told me b/c we were so busy with band season and making it to championships. She told me that the family can visit with AH in the facility on Saturdays, but that they must go through a class first. She told me that she couldn't speak for me, nor for my son, but this past Saturday she was busy and couldn't make it... but the family is planning on attending the next class (last night) so that they could visit, and that if DS wanted to do so, she could take him. The conversation really sounded to me like they all expected that I wouldn't want to do this... and I guess they are right.
My son asked me what kind of class? I said his aunt had no idea, but my guess was that it was a class to educate the family on enabling behaviors, how to recognize "quacking," and perhaps what not to say when you visit your loved one. He then said to me, "This is now what I am struggling with... the expectations of "everyone" of my feelings. I feel like I am being forced to have certain feelings and I then feel guilty b/c I have NO FEELINGS for my dad at all." "Most times I have forgotten that he is even out there." "Is that bad?"
I then told him, that no, it isn't bad... it just is. At this moment the feelings you have are just that... feelings. Even a lack of feelings is something. It doesn't mean they cannot change. They are the result of the years of living with an addicted father. No one can tell you what kind of feelings you should have, b/c they have not lived your life! They only know what they saw (see) from the outside - and I was very good at making things look "normal." Or, they only know what your dad tells them. And his perception of your and his relationship is so off from reality. I know that you and he never really connected... many times he didn't understand you... and as you progressed into puberty, he REALLY didn't understand you. So to have this feeling of disconnect - or no feelings - is not uncommon.
"Really?" he asked.
Yes, many kids of alcoholic parents feel very similar. Or they have hatred.. to the point they never want to see or talk to their affected parent ever again. So don't let anyone convince you that you should be having certain feelings. It only serves to make THEM feel better... but it probably doesn't serve YOU! If your aunt asks me again about it, I will tell her that you thought it would be best for YOU if saw your dad AFTER he gets out of rehab and is more stable.
My DS thanked me for "Making it sound nicer than I have no feelings and no desire to see him."
Again, my DS told me that I made the right decision (to leave), and that he has felt so much better... peaceful... he said, even our 'scaredy-cat" Mochi is so loving and calm... he climbs on our laps every night and purrs... he never used to do that! I think it is b/c there isn't any chaos/crazy in this house!
Ah....~sigh~ Thank you son!
Aline said
Nov 17, 2017
Hi, Posies, ((((hugs)))). It is good to hear your talk with your son went OK... I can identify with having no memory of having any particular feelings when my Mum made my father move out and later divorced him. I have thought its weird, but have not yet found any evidence I was in denial about my feelings, it seems I really didn't have any. As my father was always emotionally unavailable, I guess this would explain it. He wasn't "there" even when he was living with us, and moving out didn't make him less "there", I think. My best wishes to you, your son and your AH as well.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 17, 2017
Thank you, Aline.
"As my father was always emotionally unavailable, I guess this would explain it. He wasn't "there" even when he was living with us, and moving out didn't make him less "there", I think."
This is EXACTLY my son's life with his dad. No one understands it or saw it but me... and perhaps my parents. According to AH, he is the best dad EVER and everything he did was for me and his son! Oh yea, like the drugging and drinking and disappearing were exactly what we needed and wanted! LOL!
WestMan said
Nov 18, 2017
Great share Posies&Puppies. Glad your conversation went so well with your son.
a4l said
Nov 18, 2017
Look at you grow PNP. Just wow. I love the clarity that comes with making a decision that feels best for ones self, because it just allows everything else to flow honestly as well. Such a great add on benefit to doing right by ourselves first and foremost. Thank you for the share.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 18, 2017
Thank you for your support, WestMan!
a4l - yea, it's funny... when "we" stop running around trying to manage the chaos, things still manage to get done, and other things DO seem to effortlessly fall into place! LOL!
Yesterday I told my son that I changed the legal separation to DIVORCE. I told him that it took awhile, but in looking inward and working on me, I realized that even if his dad came out of rehab a new and improved version of himself, I would be thankful for that, and so happy FOR HIM, but I found that I will always be wondering if he would relapse. I felt that this wasn't a way for me to live my life. And it would make me a terrible partner for his dad, so new into his sobriety. I have come to accept that this is how I feel. Period. I also said that I wanted to make amends and tell him that I am truly sorry that his dad and I did not give him a "good" marriage role model. I told him that although I thought I had tried my very best to provide that role model, I could not control the actions of another person... and it takes two to make a great marriage. I accepted my part in this chaos, and I explained what it was... I allowed my boundary to be walked all over because of 1)his father's gaslighting and MY reactions to it - in other words, I didn't use my Al-Anon tools, I let those feelings run away with my good sense. and 2) I allowed my FEAR of being destitute control everything I did... or didn't do for way too long, and I was truly sorry for the effect it may have on him.
My son answers were full of "it's not your fault, mom," and "we did our best with the situation." But it was his total lack of interest in future marriage that interested me. I told him, "You are young. But someday when you're older, you may wonder why you have the feelings you do towards marriage. That is why I am making amends to you now."
I then had to tell him that his dad's sister called me last week and I had been sitting on what she told me b/c we were so busy with band season and making it to championships. She told me that the family can visit with AH in the facility on Saturdays, but that they must go through a class first. She told me that she couldn't speak for me, nor for my son, but this past Saturday she was busy and couldn't make it... but the family is planning on attending the next class (last night) so that they could visit, and that if DS wanted to do so, she could take him. The conversation really sounded to me like they all expected that I wouldn't want to do this... and I guess they are right.
My son asked me what kind of class? I said his aunt had no idea, but my guess was that it was a class to educate the family on enabling behaviors, how to recognize "quacking," and perhaps what not to say when you visit your loved one. He then said to me, "This is now what I am struggling with... the expectations of "everyone" of my feelings. I feel like I am being forced to have certain feelings and I then feel guilty b/c I have NO FEELINGS for my dad at all." "Most times I have forgotten that he is even out there." "Is that bad?"
I then told him, that no, it isn't bad... it just is. At this moment the feelings you have are just that... feelings. Even a lack of feelings is something. It doesn't mean they cannot change. They are the result of the years of living with an addicted father. No one can tell you what kind of feelings you should have, b/c they have not lived your life! They only know what they saw (see) from the outside - and I was very good at making things look "normal." Or, they only know what your dad tells them. And his perception of your and his relationship is so off from reality. I know that you and he never really connected... many times he didn't understand you... and as you progressed into puberty, he REALLY didn't understand you. So to have this feeling of disconnect - or no feelings - is not uncommon.
"Really?" he asked.
Yes, many kids of alcoholic parents feel very similar. Or they have hatred.. to the point they never want to see or talk to their affected parent ever again. So don't let anyone convince you that you should be having certain feelings. It only serves to make THEM feel better... but it probably doesn't serve YOU! If your aunt asks me again about it, I will tell her that you thought it would be best for YOU if saw your dad AFTER he gets out of rehab and is more stable.
My DS thanked me for "Making it sound nicer than I have no feelings and no desire to see him."
Again, my DS told me that I made the right decision (to leave), and that he has felt so much better... peaceful... he said, even our 'scaredy-cat" Mochi is so loving and calm... he climbs on our laps every night and purrs... he never used to do that! I think it is b/c there isn't any chaos/crazy in this house!
Ah....~sigh~ Thank you son!
Thank you, Aline.
"As my father was always emotionally unavailable, I guess this would explain it. He wasn't "there" even when he was living with us, and moving out didn't make him less "there", I think."
This is EXACTLY my son's life with his dad. No one understands it or saw it but me... and perhaps my parents. According to AH, he is the best dad EVER and everything he did was for me and his son! Oh yea, like the drugging and drinking and disappearing were exactly what we needed and wanted! LOL!
a4l - yea, it's funny... when "we" stop running around trying to manage the chaos, things still manage to get done, and other things DO seem to effortlessly fall into place! LOL!