I had never heard that as a topic before in any recovery meeting I've ever been to. I went to the morning meeting because I needed to be in the dialogue where I often find the characteristics of my Higher Power and a friend of mine started the sharing and with the topic of Tenderness and I got triggered because that wasn't a real asset in my alcoholic/addict family; in fact the opposite of it was often present. Of course I am mentioning the positive emotional character of tenderness. So there I got it, a missing characteristic of my Higher Power that hasn't been in the forefront of my recovery. I also got triggered because there were negative consequence from within my family by showing tenderness toward the alcoholic and or addict. We were a sick group of people. Only one face came to mind when I heard the word and it was that of my aunt who I lived with after leaving the Navy...She seemed to have nuclear power for silent compassion and empathy for her alcoholic/addict/child sexual abuser spouse and more...gracious!! I am only learning (slowly) about that characteristic...s l o w l y. I have seen other brothers and sisters in the program return to the natural characteristic of tenderness and I am hoping to get there before HP turns the light off. Thanks for letting me share. (((Hugs)))
Iamhere said
Nov 16, 2017
Great share Jerry - I have also never heard of it as a topic. As with you this morning, your share brought up the lack of it in my FOO. My parents were unintentionally cold - we never hugged, we never expressed I love you, etc. If we had a fall and were hurt, we were often berated for the dumb choice we made that allowed the injury to occur. I believe, much as this disease we battle, emotional tenderness or lack thereof has also been passed down as I don't recall any of my grand-parents having open displays of tenderness.
Much like you, I have an aunt who despite marrying, divorcing and burying an alcoholic who never could get sober and SHE was the gentle, kind, tender soul that my heart embraces. She was compassionate with her ex and never spoke a bad word of him. My cousin, her daughter has been affected directly, and her mother also was always tender and compassionate regardless of the situation. Yet, she had an inner strength and resolve that was beyond words. I miss her dearly and she's the one who would always say, "If you're worrying, you're not praying." I found it silly for years until I realized the value of the truth in it.
I have tried to be more tender with my boys and the babies. As the first generation in recovery, I see an assortment of generational patterns that might be easier to affect a change and this is one. I've always said, I Love you to my boys even when I am not liking them. They've been held, hugged and included way more close to my heart than I grew up with or experienced. I readily admit that it doesn't always feel 'normal' or 'comfortable' and it is certainly not natural.
I am so grateful for the willingness to continue growing in recovery. I am so grateful to know how things/I are/am is not how it will always be. I believe that HP does lead us where we need to go and if we go willingly with an open mind, our lessons unfold as they should. I am more like a 'bull in a china shop' than a tender hugging grandma - that's why HP gave me boys and gave them boys too!!! When I consider how best I use tenderness, I consider how I feel in the presence of the miracle of the little people. That is when my joy is genuine and my tenderness is on auto-pilot! May the added love they've awaken in me stay - this I pray often/daily!
(((Hugs))) my brother - you are more tender than you realize - I feel it in your shares!
hotrod said
Nov 16, 2017
I agree Jerry tenderness was not considered an asset within my family and any showi of it was quickly laughed off or shut down. I do believe that when I let go of my negative coping tools (through working the Steps)and allowed compassion, empathy and gratitude to surface tenderness followed naturally. Thanks for the topic.
a4l said
Nov 16, 2017
Oh wow. This falls into the "taken for granted" category for me. Tenderness most definitely has no external value in my foo. But it most certainly has practitioners. Thanks for the share.
Jerry F said
Nov 17, 2017
We most definitely are brother and sister IAH...you know the journey we have been on (((hugs)))
2HP said
Nov 17, 2017
I am really curious if your 12-step meeting was Al-Anon or AA?
Regardless, I've been to countless Al-Anon and AA meetings where I saw zero tenderness, more like a bunch of repressed anger sometimes. Yet people recover all the same. And I'm quite sure it's because of one reason... where do we escape from the Higher Power?
During my childhood in an alcoholic home, my parents let me pass out time and time again from lack of oxygen during frequent asthma attacks (rather than take me to the hospital.) My siblings share with me how they recall their terror of my pale complexion.
Yet something kept me breathing.
From experience, I know that God is present among insanity. God sits behind it all, tenderness or terrorism.
Jerry F said
Nov 19, 2017
2HP the person who raised the topic was alcoholic and a special one as he works in the recovery field as I use to. He was of bringing the topic to the front was calmness and ease and even that manner of doing so caused my feelings to jump. I had an aunt that treated me and her own alcohol/drug affected children with tenderness and unconditional love and it impressed me that made me feel safe while her husband, my uncle, could shatter those feelings very easily for both me and my cousins. How sick we were.
I had never heard that as a topic before in any recovery meeting I've ever been to. I went to the morning meeting because I needed to be in the dialogue where I often find the characteristics of my Higher Power and a friend of mine started the sharing and with the topic of Tenderness and I got triggered because that wasn't a real asset in my alcoholic/addict family; in fact the opposite of it was often present. Of course I am mentioning the positive emotional character of tenderness. So there I got it, a missing characteristic of my Higher Power that hasn't been in the forefront of my recovery. I also got triggered because there were negative consequence from within my family by showing tenderness toward the alcoholic and or addict. We were a sick group of people. Only one face came to mind when I heard the word and it was that of my aunt who I lived with after leaving the Navy...She seemed to have nuclear power for silent compassion and empathy for her alcoholic/addict/child sexual abuser spouse and more...gracious!! I am only learning (slowly) about that characteristic...s l o w l y. I have seen other brothers and sisters in the program return to the natural characteristic of tenderness and I am hoping to get there before HP turns the light off. Thanks for letting me share. (((Hugs)))
Much like you, I have an aunt who despite marrying, divorcing and burying an alcoholic who never could get sober and SHE was the gentle, kind, tender soul that my heart embraces. She was compassionate with her ex and never spoke a bad word of him. My cousin, her daughter has been affected directly, and her mother also was always tender and compassionate regardless of the situation. Yet, she had an inner strength and resolve that was beyond words. I miss her dearly and she's the one who would always say, "If you're worrying, you're not praying." I found it silly for years until I realized the value of the truth in it.
I have tried to be more tender with my boys and the babies. As the first generation in recovery, I see an assortment of generational patterns that might be easier to affect a change and this is one. I've always said, I Love you to my boys even when I am not liking them. They've been held, hugged and included way more close to my heart than I grew up with or experienced. I readily admit that it doesn't always feel 'normal' or 'comfortable' and it is certainly not natural.
I am so grateful for the willingness to continue growing in recovery. I am so grateful to know how things/I are/am is not how it will always be. I believe that HP does lead us where we need to go and if we go willingly with an open mind, our lessons unfold as they should. I am more like a 'bull in a china shop' than a tender hugging grandma - that's why HP gave me boys and gave them boys too!!! When I consider how best I use tenderness, I consider how I feel in the presence of the miracle of the little people. That is when my joy is genuine and my tenderness is on auto-pilot! May the added love they've awaken in me stay - this I pray often/daily!
(((Hugs))) my brother - you are more tender than you realize - I feel it in your shares!
I agree Jerry tenderness was not considered an asset within my family and any showi of it was quickly laughed off or shut down. I do believe that when I let go of my negative coping tools (through working the Steps)and allowed compassion, empathy and gratitude to surface tenderness followed naturally. Thanks for the topic.
We most definitely are brother and sister IAH...you know the journey we have been on (((hugs)))
Regardless, I've been to countless Al-Anon and AA meetings where I saw zero tenderness, more like a bunch of repressed anger sometimes. Yet people recover all the same. And I'm quite sure it's because of one reason... where do we escape from the Higher Power?
During my childhood in an alcoholic home, my parents let me pass out time and time again from lack of oxygen during frequent asthma attacks (rather than take me to the hospital.) My siblings share with me how they recall their terror of my pale complexion.
Yet something kept me breathing.
From experience, I know that God is present among insanity. God sits behind it all, tenderness or terrorism.
2HP the person who raised the topic was alcoholic and a special one as he works in the recovery field as I use to. He was of bringing the topic to the front was calmness and ease and even that manner of doing so caused my feelings to jump. I had an aunt that treated me and her own alcohol/drug affected children with tenderness and unconditional love and it impressed me that made me feel safe while her husband, my uncle, could shatter those feelings very easily for both me and my cousins. How sick we were.