Hi Folks Iâm new to the board and Al-Anon. Iâve been to 4 meetings and asked someone to sponsor me. Iâve been in and out of 12 step meetings for many years. In other programs I was encouraged to work an honest program but my new sponsor keeps telling me to keep it light and Polite and it seems like sheâs telling me to keep it superficial and pretentious. Any advice?
Maresie said
Nov 18, 2017
I think it might sound iike that. Much of the al anon program is about defusing the situation. I hated my elder sister fir many years. Now I have a light and polite relationship with her.
I dont think it feels pretentious. What ut feels like is a really lowered expectation.
In al anon.we work on not arguing the JADE tool. That is do not justofy, argue, defend or explain. Then there is detachment which is a lot about de escalating as well.
In many 12 step programs there is an effort to get balance dont get too angry, lionely or tired. That diesnt mean not to feel but to be very aware of your surroundings. Achieving s middle ground is good.
Mary
hotrod said
Nov 18, 2017
I do believe that alanon suggests that we work an honest program and that we keep our relationships light and polite. I do not see this as a contradiction.
Before program, I thought that being honest I needed to share the intimate details of my life with the entire world and that was what being honest required. I learned that having intimate relations with another took time . I needed to be light and polite at first, develop a connection, learn to trust the person with small matters and then move on with heavier issues. I treat all with courtesy and respect and it works well. Welcome you are not alone
Iamhere said
Nov 18, 2017
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared the Learner. I don't know that I've heard it but know that I do better seeking clarification from the one who speaks. My crazy brain can take something and make it very different than intended so I would go back and ask what she means.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
tiredtonite said
Nov 19, 2017
Welcome Learner,
Glad you joined us for Alanon recovery. Keep coming back. I've never heard Light and Polite in Alanon. We use the tool of detachment in Alanon. With detachment I release myself from the agony of involvement with things that disturb my serenity. Alanon mentions two types of detachment - detaching with love and detaching with an axe. Detachment with an axe as it implies means complete separation. Detachment with love involves participation that includes healthy boundaries. If your sponsor is referencing detachment, light and polite might imply a style of communication with anyone with whom you feel uncomfortable. But only your sponsor knows what they meant when they said it. Are you comforable asking your sponsor directly what they mean? It's important to a successful sponsor/sponsee relationship.
I think it might sound iike that. Much of the al anon program is about defusing the situation. I hated my elder sister fir many years. Now I have a light and polite relationship with her.
I dont think it feels pretentious. What ut feels like is a really lowered expectation.
In al anon.we work on not arguing the JADE tool. That is do not justofy, argue, defend or explain. Then there is detachment which is a lot about de escalating as well.
In many 12 step programs there is an effort to get balance dont get too angry, lionely or tired. That diesnt mean not to feel but to be very aware of your surroundings. Achieving s middle ground is good.
Mary
Before program, I thought that being honest I needed to share the intimate details of my life with the entire world and that was what being honest required. I learned that having intimate relations with another took time . I needed to be light and polite at first, develop a connection, learn to trust the person with small matters and then move on with heavier issues. I treat all with courtesy and respect and it works well. Welcome you are not alone
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Welcome Learner,
Glad you joined us for Alanon recovery. Keep coming back. I've never heard Light and Polite in Alanon. We use the tool of detachment in Alanon. With detachment I release myself from the agony of involvement with things that disturb my serenity. Alanon mentions two types of detachment - detaching with love and detaching with an axe. Detachment with an axe as it implies means complete separation. Detachment with love involves participation that includes healthy boundaries. If your sponsor is referencing detachment, light and polite might imply a style of communication with anyone with whom you feel uncomfortable. But only your sponsor knows what they meant when they said it. Are you comforable asking your sponsor directly what they mean? It's important to a successful sponsor/sponsee relationship.
Here is Alanon's words on detachment.
https://al-anon.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/S19.pdf
Sponsorship What It's All About is a great pamphlet too. Thanks for your question and share. ((hugs)) TT