I am considering attending an al anon meeting where I live but I'm not sure if my situation is right for these meetings, so I help that someone can help me. I've looked the things on our UK website that help you decide whether al anon is right and some of them I answer yes to but only a few. My husband is sober and has been attending AA for 5 years assures me that I should attend the meetings as my situation is relevant.
As you can see I am no stranger to the 12 steps, with my husband, and there is also my brother in law who's been sober for a bit over 2 years now. The issue I am trying to deal with, however, is my sister who I believe is drinking too much but I am not sure that she is an alcoholic. It's not that I don't want to believe that - I'm just not sure that she qualifies.
My mother and I are having a horrible time dealing my sister at the moment. She's 47, mother of a 5 and 7 year old and her behaviour is tearing us apart. I know she drinks in the evenings but I'm not aware that alcohol is present during the rest of the day. I don't quite know where to begin with the problems we are having. She tends to overreact a great deal to things that are generally not worth it, has fierce aggressive anger, is extremely impulsive, has abandonment issues, extreme self hatred, can't stand to be in her own company and a terrible time sustaining relationships, whether it be boyfriends or husbands or friendships. She has pushed a lot of people away in her life. She seems unable to let go of things and builds up huge grievances about minor events going back a number of years.
There are furious, verbally violent, rabid outbursts directed both at me and my mother that became very circular with her repeating and going on and on about the same things. Often times these outbursts seem to be when she has been drinking in the evening, but also after she's seen the psychotherapist who's been treating her for years to no obvious gain.
I feel at my wits end with this relationship. I severed contact about 18 months ago as I found my sister's behaviour too destructive to cope with, which she considers to be abandonment. I recently tried to make contact again with what I thought was a degree of success, but through my mother I've discovered she's holding grudges about things I'd long forgotten. We still have dialogue but it is very difficult with her attacking everything I write to her.
So, I'd really appreciate thoughts anyone might have to share on whether you think al-anon is suitable for my trouble relationship.
hotrod said
Nov 16, 2017
Hello Juno Welcome. I understand your concerns and would like to say that Alcoholism is a self diagnosed disease. Alanon's 3 rd tradition states that alanon is for friends or relatives of anyone who exhibits the problem of alcoholism. The behavior that you are experiencing, from your sister does certainly sound like the behavior identified with the disease.
I would attend the face to face meetings with your mom , pick up some literature ,keep an open mind and then decide. There is hope so please do keep coming back.
Jerry F said
Nov 16, 2017
Aloha Juno. Hotrod just echoed what was suggested to me when I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon in 1978 and I didn't listen and left for more time. I arrived back in 1979 and took the suggestion of doing 90 meetings in 90 days (we had 439 meetings a months in both programs and that was evidence that along with many others I was in a battle with this life threatening disease). I did 102 meetings in that period of time and came to understand not only that I was married to an alcoholic/addict and that I also was born and raised within the disease. Was it right for me? Early on I was so oppositional nothing was right for me...I wasn't even right for me however I also came to understand that while I might not have liked the program then or the people then...they had the experiences and wisdoms I needed to have also and so I stayed and my whole life opened up is ways I could not have expected. I was told after one plan to leave that if I did things would get worse and while I contemplated it I watched it happen to other poor souls in the room also.
If Al-Anon provides to you experiences, strengths and hope you don't already have...just for me...I suggest you keep coming back and if there are a multitude of meetings in your area try doing 90 meetings in 90 days,,,and jeep coming back to MIP also. ((((hugs))))
Juno said
Nov 16, 2017
Hello back and thank you both for your responses.
I've never been in any doubt of the valuable service al anon provides to people. I see what AA does for my husband 5 years into his sobriety as well as brother in law who is 2 years in, and know a few people who have benefited al anon. My dilemma was whether my situation was the right fit for al anon. But thank you both for sharing your kind words, wisdom and experience and helping me to see that attending the meetings is the right step to take. Despite assurances from my husband it is the right action to take it is good to hear it from people that are not emotionally invested in our experiences.
I have a meeting where I live on Saturday that I have been thinking of going to, but your messages have helped me make the decision to actually go rather than just think about it. I'm aware of two meetings in my area but I'm not sure there are enough to manage 90 meetings in 90 days. However, I will investigate. I know there will more a bit further afield that I can attend as well.
Many thanks again and hugs back to you. I'll let you know how I get on.
2HP said
Nov 16, 2017
Your troubled relationship looks like a classic Al-Anon story to me, my friend.
In Al-anon, the goal is not to label anyone an alcoholic or anything... or hyper focus on the behaviors of anyone because it just doesnt help. it only makes us more crazy because we cant stop them.
Al-Anon helped me to see how I was being affected by someones drinking.... and provided wonderful tools so I could help myself experience more peace.
Years ago, I didnt know if it was right for me either, just like you. I simply gave it a try by committing to one meeting a week. As I felt more peace flow into my life, I gradually did 3-4 meetings a week.
Whatever bring you more peace..... I encourage you to do that. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Nov 16, 2017
Hello and welcome Juno! I love what Betty and Jerry (and 2HP) above) have all said! I am thrilled that you've decided to go rather than thinking about going. That brought to my mind that I heard really early on that we can act our way to right thinking but we can not think our way to right acting. I've spent many years thinking about what to do next and truly nothing 'stuck' until I came to Al-Anon and found my way and where to place my focus!
This disease is wickedly far-reaching. What I discovered when I was willing to listen was this disease affected me in ways I did not even know. It affects my thinking, my projections, my reactions and more. Because of the drama/trauma brought about by living with or interacting with the disease, it leaves many of us questioning our own truth. I found myself, my strength and my return to sanity by working the program, One day at a time!
Congrats. to your AH on his sobriety! I love success stories and love to hear when recovery is working. Please keep coming back and know that you're not alone!
Juno said
Nov 17, 2017
2HP wrote:
Your troubled relationship looks like a classic Al-Anon story to me, my friend.
In Al-anon, the goal is not to label anyone an alcoholic or anything... or hyper focus on the behaviors of anyone because it just doesnt help. it only makes us more crazy because we cant stop them.
Al-Anon helped me to see how I was being affected by someones drinking.... and provided wonderful tools so I could help myself experience more peace.
Years ago, I didnt know if it was right for me either, just like you. I simply gave it a try by committing to one meeting a week. As I felt more peace flow into my life, I gradually did 3-4 meetings a week.
Whatever bring you more peace..... I encourage you to do that. (((hugs)))
Thank you for your kinds words of assurance about me attending al anon. Some peace would certainly be very welcome from the turmoil that we are currently experiencing. Attending one meeting a week is not difficult to commit to so I will begin with this tomorrow and take it one day at a time from this point. I know that I am not alone in what I am dealing with but it is very easy to feel alone and isolated when caught in the midst of a maelstrom without any understanding of how best to handle it. All of what you and everyone else who has responded to me has written gives me to the confidence to make the first step and attend my first meeting. Thank you.
Juno said
Nov 17, 2017
Iamhere wrote:
Hello and welcome Juno! I love what Betty and Jerry (and 2HP) above) have all said! I am thrilled that you've decided to go rather than thinking about going. That brought to my mind that I heard really early on that we can act our way to right thinking but we can not think our way to right acting. I've spent many years thinking about what to do next and truly nothing 'stuck' until I came to Al-Anon and found my way and where to place my focus!
This disease is wickedly far-reaching. What I discovered when I was willing to listen was this disease affected me in ways I did not even know. It affects my thinking, my projections, my reactions and more. Because of the drama/trauma brought about by living with or interacting with the disease, it leaves many of us questioning our own truth. I found myself, my strength and my return to sanity by working the program, One day at a time!
Congrats. to your AH on his sobriety! I love success stories and love to hear when recovery is working. Please keep coming back and know that you're not alone!
Thank you for your welcome. I've also spent many years thinking about what to do regarding my sister as this is something that has been affect my family and me for a long time and we've been stuck in a pattern of behaviour with my sister that never gets any better. So it is hight time for something different and even if she cannot change it does not mean I cannot. As my husband reminds me often, we are powerless over other people.
I agree that the disease is far reaching. I had not made the connection myself but what you say about the disease effecting your thinking, projections, reactions, etc. rings very true and it is not something that I have taken into consideration. So, already my eyes are being opened. But also, the disease is so far reaching in all of the people it affects. In my case, it was my Dad in his later years, though I do not think he would ever have made the connection of his drinking being a problem, although it did make my mother's life so difficult in the last decade of his life. My brother in law, married though separated from the sister I am having problems with, had a nervous breakdown that saw him go through 8 months of rehab. And then once I started talking about the disease, as I did when I met my husband who was already in recovery, I was astounded at how widespread it is.
Thank you for the congrats re my husband. He has done so well in rebuilding his life in the last 5 years from zero, one day at a time - I'm very proud of him. He is also a great support to me and my mother at this time, though I feel another outlet is important so that I am not just leaning on him.
Iamhere said
Nov 17, 2017
What is really eye-opening for me Juno is the longer I am in and around recovery, the more I learn - about the disease, the diseased, the indirectly affected, etc. I am 4th generation that I can confirm and possibly 5th generation Alcoholic on both sides - mother and father. I am reasonably intelligent, as are most alcoholics. Yet, no amount of education, intelligence, etc. kept me from loosing control and having Alcohol (and other substances) be my 'HP' for a long while.
Denial is so huge in this disease. I truly thought because of what I knew, where I'd been and what I had learned that I could keep my children from being affected. That did not ring to be remotely real either. I have learned within the last 5 years that my father had an uncle who was so affected by this disease, he committed suicide many years ago. My father never has shared this, doesn't know I know and so - the tentacles reach far/wide. Of course, knowing this tells me that there is also a possibility of mental health issues in my family.
Families of this disease are dysfunctional, we all know that. The level and the degree of dysfunction is so vastly different - in my own family of origin (FOO), I feel I will never know all that I should/could. I then remember that progress is my goal and not perfection and I am so grateful for One Day at a Time.
Keep coming back!
WestMan said
Nov 17, 2017
Yes. Al-Anon can help you.
Maresie said
Nov 18, 2017
Certainly the tools of al anon.can help in many.situations. Al anon.has helped me set limits.
Your sister sounds like she has borderline personality traits. There are lots of books that deal eith the borderline's chaotoc life style.
There are tools in al anon that can help you detach, de escalate and set boundaries. They take a while to practice. They are nevertheless very very helpful. Mary
I am considering attending an al anon meeting where I live but I'm not sure if my situation is right for these meetings, so I help that someone can help me. I've looked the things on our UK website that help you decide whether al anon is right and some of them I answer yes to but only a few. My husband is sober and has been attending AA for 5 years assures me that I should attend the meetings as my situation is relevant.
As you can see I am no stranger to the 12 steps, with my husband, and there is also my brother in law who's been sober for a bit over 2 years now. The issue I am trying to deal with, however, is my sister who I believe is drinking too much but I am not sure that she is an alcoholic. It's not that I don't want to believe that - I'm just not sure that she qualifies.
My mother and I are having a horrible time dealing my sister at the moment. She's 47, mother of a 5 and 7 year old and her behaviour is tearing us apart. I know she drinks in the evenings but I'm not aware that alcohol is present during the rest of the day. I don't quite know where to begin with the problems we are having. She tends to overreact a great deal to things that are generally not worth it, has fierce aggressive anger, is extremely impulsive, has abandonment issues, extreme self hatred, can't stand to be in her own company and a terrible time sustaining relationships, whether it be boyfriends or husbands or friendships. She has pushed a lot of people away in her life. She seems unable to let go of things and builds up huge grievances about minor events going back a number of years.
There are furious, verbally violent, rabid outbursts directed both at me and my mother that became very circular with her repeating and going on and on about the same things. Often times these outbursts seem to be when she has been drinking in the evening, but also after she's seen the psychotherapist who's been treating her for years to no obvious gain.
I feel at my wits end with this relationship. I severed contact about 18 months ago as I found my sister's behaviour too destructive to cope with, which she considers to be abandonment. I recently tried to make contact again with what I thought was a degree of success, but through my mother I've discovered she's holding grudges about things I'd long forgotten. We still have dialogue but it is very difficult with her attacking everything I write to her.
So, I'd really appreciate thoughts anyone might have to share on whether you think al-anon is suitable for my trouble relationship.
Hello Juno Welcome. I understand your concerns and would like to say that Alcoholism is a self diagnosed disease. Alanon's 3 rd tradition states that alanon is for friends or relatives of anyone who exhibits the problem of alcoholism. The behavior that you are experiencing, from your sister does certainly sound like the behavior identified with the disease.
I would attend the face to face meetings with your mom , pick up some literature ,keep an open mind and then decide. There is hope so please do keep coming back.
Aloha Juno. Hotrod just echoed what was suggested to me when I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon in 1978 and I didn't listen and left for more time. I arrived back in 1979 and took the suggestion of doing 90 meetings in 90 days (we had 439 meetings a months in both programs and that was evidence that along with many others I was in a battle with this life threatening disease). I did 102 meetings in that period of time and came to understand not only that I was married to an alcoholic/addict and that I also was born and raised within the disease. Was it right for me? Early on I was so oppositional nothing was right for me...I wasn't even right for me however I also came to understand that while I might not have liked the program then or the people then...they had the experiences and wisdoms I needed to have also and so I stayed and my whole life opened up is ways I could not have expected. I was told after one plan to leave that if I did things would get worse and while I contemplated it I watched it happen to other poor souls in the room also.
If Al-Anon provides to you experiences, strengths and hope you don't already have...just for me...I suggest you keep coming back and if there are a multitude of meetings in your area try doing 90 meetings in 90 days,,,and jeep coming back to MIP also. ((((hugs))))
I've never been in any doubt of the valuable service al anon provides to people. I see what AA does for my husband 5 years into his sobriety as well as brother in law who is 2 years in, and know a few people who have benefited al anon. My dilemma was whether my situation was the right fit for al anon. But thank you both for sharing your kind words, wisdom and experience and helping me to see that attending the meetings is the right step to take. Despite assurances from my husband it is the right action to take it is good to hear it from people that are not emotionally invested in our experiences.
I have a meeting where I live on Saturday that I have been thinking of going to, but your messages have helped me make the decision to actually go rather than just think about it. I'm aware of two meetings in my area but I'm not sure there are enough to manage 90 meetings in 90 days. However, I will investigate. I know there will more a bit further afield that I can attend as well.
Many thanks again and hugs back to you. I'll let you know how I get on.
In Al-anon, the goal is not to label anyone an alcoholic or anything... or hyper focus on the behaviors of anyone because it just doesnt help. it only makes us more crazy because we cant stop them.
Al-Anon helped me to see how I was being affected by someones drinking.... and provided wonderful tools so I could help myself experience more peace.
Years ago, I didnt know if it was right for me either, just like you. I simply gave it a try by committing to one meeting a week. As I felt more peace flow into my life, I gradually did 3-4 meetings a week.
Whatever bring you more peace..... I encourage you to do that. (((hugs)))
This disease is wickedly far-reaching. What I discovered when I was willing to listen was this disease affected me in ways I did not even know. It affects my thinking, my projections, my reactions and more. Because of the drama/trauma brought about by living with or interacting with the disease, it leaves many of us questioning our own truth. I found myself, my strength and my return to sanity by working the program, One day at a time!
Congrats. to your AH on his sobriety! I love success stories and love to hear when recovery is working. Please keep coming back and know that you're not alone!
2HP wrote:
Your troubled relationship looks like a classic Al-Anon story to me, my friend.
In Al-anon, the goal is not to label anyone an alcoholic or anything... or hyper focus on the behaviors of anyone because it just doesnt help. it only makes us more crazy because we cant stop them.
Al-Anon helped me to see how I was being affected by someones drinking.... and provided wonderful tools so I could help myself experience more peace.
Years ago, I didnt know if it was right for me either, just like you. I simply gave it a try by committing to one meeting a week. As I felt more peace flow into my life, I gradually did 3-4 meetings a week.
Whatever bring you more peace..... I encourage you to do that. (((hugs)))
Thank you for your kinds words of assurance about me attending al anon. Some peace would certainly be very welcome from the turmoil that we are currently experiencing. Attending one meeting a week is not difficult to commit to so I will begin with this tomorrow and take it one day at a time from this point. I know that I am not alone in what I am dealing with but it is very easy to feel alone and isolated when caught in the midst of a maelstrom without any understanding of how best to handle it. All of what you and everyone else who has responded to me has written gives me to the confidence to make the first step and attend my first meeting. Thank you.
Thank you for your welcome. I've also spent many years thinking about what to do regarding my sister as this is something that has been affect my family and me for a long time and we've been stuck in a pattern of behaviour with my sister that never gets any better. So it is hight time for something different and even if she cannot change it does not mean I cannot. As my husband reminds me often, we are powerless over other people.
I agree that the disease is far reaching. I had not made the connection myself but what you say about the disease effecting your thinking, projections, reactions, etc. rings very true and it is not something that I have taken into consideration. So, already my eyes are being opened. But also, the disease is so far reaching in all of the people it affects. In my case, it was my Dad in his later years, though I do not think he would ever have made the connection of his drinking being a problem, although it did make my mother's life so difficult in the last decade of his life. My brother in law, married though separated from the sister I am having problems with, had a nervous breakdown that saw him go through 8 months of rehab. And then once I started talking about the disease, as I did when I met my husband who was already in recovery, I was astounded at how widespread it is.
Thank you for the congrats re my husband. He has done so well in rebuilding his life in the last 5 years from zero, one day at a time - I'm very proud of him. He is also a great support to me and my mother at this time, though I feel another outlet is important so that I am not just leaning on him.
Denial is so huge in this disease. I truly thought because of what I knew, where I'd been and what I had learned that I could keep my children from being affected. That did not ring to be remotely real either. I have learned within the last 5 years that my father had an uncle who was so affected by this disease, he committed suicide many years ago. My father never has shared this, doesn't know I know and so - the tentacles reach far/wide. Of course, knowing this tells me that there is also a possibility of mental health issues in my family.
Families of this disease are dysfunctional, we all know that. The level and the degree of dysfunction is so vastly different - in my own family of origin (FOO), I feel I will never know all that I should/could. I then remember that progress is my goal and not perfection and I am so grateful for One Day at a Time.
Keep coming back!
Certainly the tools of al anon.can help in many.situations. Al anon.has helped me set limits.
Your sister sounds like she has borderline personality traits. There are lots of books that deal eith the borderline's chaotoc life style.
There are tools in al anon that can help you detach, de escalate and set boundaries. They take a while to practice. They are nevertheless very very helpful. Mary