First time to this board. I think, as a mom, I'm just trying to stick to the "rules" as given to me at Hazelden. I learned a lot in the classes that I attended as my 23 year old son was an inpatient there for 30 days. I was so optimistic and he seemed so much better. Although during his stay, he never relented from the fact that he could not wrap his head around being sober for the rest of his life and he knew he would drink again once he got it out. And that's exactly what has happened. He says he "has it under control", but I have my doubts. We just moved out of state and he is now living with his Dad, whom is basically a functioning alcoholic, so there is no real communication between them. I call and text, just to see how things are going in general, not even to ask about his drinking, etc., but he won't return my calls or texts, which then just feeds my anxiety. I know from what I learned at Hazelden that I need to let it go and let him live his life. Some days I succeed, some days, like today, I'm torn up thinking he's sitting in his room at home alone drinking with no one to talk to or help him. Please, any suggestions on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated!
serenity47 said
Nov 15, 2017
((((Auntielala))))) I can so relate except mine is a 20 something daughter. She to drank upon release from first rehab, is now almost two years in a recovery program , but has had a couple of slips. I have had several slips myself in regards to what I should be doing. This is a marathon not a sprint. When one problem seems to be subsiding another rears its ugly head. Such is the nature of addiction. I have been like that little carnival game where the weasel pops its head out and I have a hammer trying to beat them all back except none of them are my weasels. I remind myself again an again progress not perfection. I have tried to control the outcomes, be her life manager, worry myself into full blown tizzy and it did not ever make one bit of difference to what she did or didn't do. The only people that have ever helped her is fellow AA/NA members and the only people that can help me is AlANON. I need the support and help just as much as she does although I didn't like to accept that. It has been a humbling experience for me to say the least. I have a background educationally in mental health and addictions yet went off like a crazy person when it came to my child. The best thing I ever did was surrender and find the nearest Alanon meetings. I also found it very helpful to listen to recovery speakers online and have attended some open NA AA meetings to get perspective. Hang in there, there is hope.
Jerry F said
Nov 15, 2017
This is a very humbling post and response and because I am a lifetime victim of alcoholism and other chemical addictions which have altered my mind and moods I need to sit here and read it over and over. Thank you ladies I am praying that we find more recovery from this disease which if allowed will take our minds, bodies, spirits and emotions completely.
I just arrived home from a gathering where a minority of alcoholic members specifically said, I will do what it is that I want to do in spite of the law and others and you. God was out and I went out myself and came here to sit and listen. I am 3 Ceeing. (((Hugs))) and Mahalo.
hotrod said
Nov 15, 2017
((Auntielala)) You are not alone Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend . Pick up some literature such as the "Just for Today" bookmark and remind yourself that you are powerless over people places and things. Please do keep coming back here as well.
Auntielala said
Nov 15, 2017
Thank you for your from the heart responses! It makes me feel like I'm not going crazy because all I want to do is fly home and make sure my son is okay! I wish his father and I had a better open communication, then at least we could talk about it, but that's just not the case, another thing I need to accept and move on from. I will seek out an alanon group here in Phoenix and hopefully that will help. It's so difficult to surrender to something that could and probably is hurting my son mentally and physically...I just want to make it better. But, I know what I have to do and that's to pray for him and take care of myself. I just have to do it!
-- Edited by Auntielala on Wednesday 15th of November 2017 04:37:48 PM
Aline said
Nov 15, 2017
Welcome to the board, Auntie... I too encourage you to find a local meeting and listen with open mind, look for similarities... There are many similarities in us who have been affected by another's drinking, which is sad yet also gives hope and strength because none of us is alone. This is a gift... Hugs, keep coming back
Maresie said
Nov 15, 2017
I am so glad you.found this board
I have heard great things about Hazelton. I have met oeople who went to their programs .
There are people who get sober. Many many oeople.
A recovering alcoholic once told me once you get sover, every time you take a drink it is different because you have had the benefit of sobriety.
At Hazelton your son would have been in contact with people who are long term sober. They would have given him the tools to look.for help in sobriety.
That is a huge plus in recovery
I hope you will reach out and get support. Letting go is easier said than done. Letting go is just part of the issue.
Maresie
Auntielala said
Nov 15, 2017
Maresie, thank you for the reminder that my son was exposed for 30 days to all of the tools he needs to stay sober. Whether he chooses to put that knowledge into play now or in the future, at least no one can take that experience away from him. I know he gained lots of great insight when he was in the program and hopefully he will remember a bit of that each day!
-- Edited by Auntielala on Wednesday 15th of November 2017 05:43:53 PM
Jerry F said
Nov 15, 2017
Now it is your turn Aunty...your turn to get a feel for family recovery. Look in the white pages for the hotline number of Al-Anon in your neighborhood and come see and listen face to face. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Nov 15, 2017
I too send you a warm welcome Aunty. I have 2 sons and both are As. Al-Anon has truly given me what I need to truly leave them in the hands of a power greater than I. Mine tend to 'hide' from me when they are up to no good. Like your son, they are still young (25 and 23) so it's darn hard some days.
I am also in recovery and I believe that's helped me - As I sit and use the Al-Anon tools given to me, I can see that at that age, nobody could have redirected me. No words, no amount of love, not a darn thing - I had to learn through my own path and it was a tough, tough road. I am grateful I did find my way to recovery and no matter what he does, you do deserve to be happy, joyous and free.
He's been given the tools necessary and most importantly, all the seeds have been planted. If he determines he wants/needs to get sober, he knows where to go, who to call, etc. That helped me along with Al-Anon to work on my own recovery - this is a family disease and we are all usually affected one way or another.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Auntielala said
Nov 15, 2017
Thank you! Again, everything I needed to hear, I'm so glad I found this board! I am also going to copy your "pause" quote at the bottom of your post and hang it on my refrigerator!
Iamhere said
Nov 16, 2017
Hey Auntie - I love that pause quote and ... it has saved my bacon over and over again.....that quote and the Serenity Prayer have been great tools to recenter me when I begin to dwell on either the past or the future. This place (MIP) is awesome and has been a great part of my recovery! Keep coming back - you're now part of the family!!! ((HUGS))
amybelles said
Nov 17, 2017
(((AuntiLala))) It helps to know there are others who know how we feel. This is my first post. I am new to Al-anon and this group - I have gone to some F2F meetings for a couple weeks, and mostly listen so far. I have lots to learn.
I also have a son who is an alcoholic - he is 29 years old and has been struggling off and on since hes been 20 with 1 1/2 years of sobriety, after going through an outpatient program and living in a mens sober living house. I thought he was doing so well, and then he had a slip" in September, which continued. He is going to meetings again and working the program.
He lived many states away from us for a year and it was very hard not knowing what he was doing, so I understand your feelings. Now he is living with us (temporarily) till he gets another job and has enough money for an apartment, along with working on his sobriety again. We are working on boundaries.
I also think that the tools learned are always going to be there for them, so we can pray our sons use them again.
Auntielala said
Nov 17, 2017
Amybelles, thank you for your post and I completely understand your situation! I really am thankful for this board, knowing that I am not along in my feelings and frustration. We love our kids so much and we want the best for them! Sometimes I think back and wonder if there was something along the way that I did wrong or maybe could have done differently where my son is concerned. My head knows that's not true, my heart struggles with that. I'm happy to hear that your son is back in the program and working the steps. I don't think my son is at that point, although I don't know because he won't return my texts or calls. I have had to let go and let God! Thinking of you and your family.
-- Edited by Auntielala on Friday 17th of November 2017 12:15:58 PM
Iamhere said
Nov 17, 2017
Welcome to MIP Amybelles - so glad you found us and Al-Anon meetings and are attending both. Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
First time to this board. I think, as a mom, I'm just trying to stick to the "rules" as given to me at Hazelden. I learned a lot in the classes that I attended as my 23 year old son was an inpatient there for 30 days. I was so optimistic and he seemed so much better. Although during his stay, he never relented from the fact that he could not wrap his head around being sober for the rest of his life and he knew he would drink again once he got it out. And that's exactly what has happened. He says he "has it under control", but I have my doubts. We just moved out of state and he is now living with his Dad, whom is basically a functioning alcoholic, so there is no real communication between them. I call and text, just to see how things are going in general, not even to ask about his drinking, etc., but he won't return my calls or texts, which then just feeds my anxiety. I know from what I learned at Hazelden that I need to let it go and let him live his life. Some days I succeed, some days, like today, I'm torn up thinking he's sitting in his room at home alone drinking with no one to talk to or help him. Please, any suggestions on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated!
This is a very humbling post and response and because I am a lifetime victim of alcoholism and other chemical addictions which have altered my mind and moods I need to sit here and read it over and over. Thank you ladies I am praying that we find more recovery from this disease which if allowed will take our minds, bodies, spirits and emotions completely.
I just arrived home from a gathering where a minority of alcoholic members specifically said, I will do what it is that I want to do in spite of the law and others and you. God was out and I went out myself and came here to sit and listen. I am 3 Ceeing. (((Hugs))) and Mahalo.
Thank you for your from the heart responses! It makes me feel like I'm not going crazy because all I want to do is fly home and make sure my son is okay! I wish his father and I had a better open communication, then at least we could talk about it, but that's just not the case, another thing I need to accept and move on from. I will seek out an alanon group here in Phoenix and hopefully that will help. It's so difficult to surrender to something that could and probably is hurting my son mentally and physically...I just want to make it better. But, I know what I have to do and that's to pray for him and take care of myself. I just have to do it!
-- Edited by Auntielala on Wednesday 15th of November 2017 04:37:48 PM
I am so glad you.found this board
I have heard great things about Hazelton. I have met oeople who went to their programs .
There are people who get sober. Many many oeople.
A recovering alcoholic once told me once you get sover, every time you take a drink it is different because you have had the benefit of sobriety.
At Hazelton your son would have been in contact with people who are long term sober. They would have given him the tools to look.for help in sobriety.
That is a huge plus in recovery
I hope you will reach out and get support. Letting go is easier said than done. Letting go is just part of the issue.
Maresie
Maresie, thank you for the reminder that my son was exposed for 30 days to all of the tools he needs to stay sober. Whether he chooses to put that knowledge into play now or in the future, at least no one can take that experience away from him. I know he gained lots of great insight when he was in the program and hopefully he will remember a bit of that each day!
-- Edited by Auntielala on Wednesday 15th of November 2017 05:43:53 PM
Now it is your turn Aunty...your turn to get a feel for family recovery. Look in the white pages for the hotline number of Al-Anon in your neighborhood and come see and listen face to face. (((hugs)))
I am also in recovery and I believe that's helped me - As I sit and use the Al-Anon tools given to me, I can see that at that age, nobody could have redirected me. No words, no amount of love, not a darn thing - I had to learn through my own path and it was a tough, tough road. I am grateful I did find my way to recovery and no matter what he does, you do deserve to be happy, joyous and free.
He's been given the tools necessary and most importantly, all the seeds have been planted. If he determines he wants/needs to get sober, he knows where to go, who to call, etc. That helped me along with Al-Anon to work on my own recovery - this is a family disease and we are all usually affected one way or another.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Thank you! Again, everything I needed to hear, I'm so glad I found this board! I am also going to copy your "pause" quote at the bottom of your post and hang it on my refrigerator!
(((AuntiLala))) It helps to know there are others who know how we feel. This is my first post. I am new to Al-anon and this group - I have gone to some F2F meetings for a couple weeks, and mostly listen so far. I have lots to learn.
I also have a son who is an alcoholic - he is 29 years old and has been struggling off and on since hes been 20 with 1 1/2 years of sobriety, after going through an outpatient program and living in a mens sober living house. I thought he was doing so well, and then he had a slip" in September, which continued. He is going to meetings again and working the program.
He lived many states away from us for a year and it was very hard not knowing what he was doing, so I understand your feelings. Now he is living with us (temporarily) till he gets another job and has enough money for an apartment, along with working on his sobriety again. We are working on boundaries.
I also think that the tools learned are always going to be there for them, so we can pray our sons use them again.
Amybelles, thank you for your post and I completely understand your situation! I really am thankful for this board, knowing that I am not along in my feelings and frustration. We love our kids so much and we want the best for them! Sometimes I think back and wonder if there was something along the way that I did wrong or maybe could have done differently where my son is concerned. My head knows that's not true, my heart struggles with that. I'm happy to hear that your son is back in the program and working the steps. I don't think my son is at that point, although I don't know because he won't return my texts or calls. I have had to let go and let God! Thinking of you and your family.
-- Edited by Auntielala on Friday 17th of November 2017 12:15:58 PM