Nervous about first al anon - angry and feeling sick
CarlyH said
Nov 15, 2017
Most days this is how I wake up. As the day goes on I do get better as I will speak to myself and do things to take my mind off my AH.
todsy Is not a good day Ive woke up shoutwe at my kids and now I feel terrible.
I feel hurt and rejected today and used. AH keeps sending me messages each day - sMall ones. their seeing someone else as well. just needs to leave me alone. its about control, attention and manipulation.
I have a meeting with. My boss on Friday and Im resigning from work ( so I dont have To see AH anymore). Start my new job next week without any painful reminders in my face everytime I go to work. Ill cut all contact then and I wont be replying to any messages. I cant do detachment its going to have to be llike this. If it was just the drink I could possibly do that but I forgive disrespecting our relationship by starting up meaningless relationships with other women. And not only that but its the total denial of it. Other people telling me Whilst they deny anything is going on, saying Im paranoid.
I think you get to a point where you just end up having enough and thats where Im at. Love is not not enough to stop them drinking and just Because you love someone you shouldnt have to endure Hurt and pain like this. If someone refuses help for their disease then what else can you do for them.
I read a poem online the other day about love and Id never thought about it like that. it said that love should not hurt. And it shouldnt.
I just Wish I would stop waking up with these feelings. And pray for the day that when I first open my eyes in the morning its not the first thing I think About. I want to go to a meeting but Im just not good with strangers and talking.
Skorpi said
Nov 15, 2017
Hi CarlyH,
I am sorry things are so hard right now. It sound to me like you are ready to make some changes that will be good for you.
When I first came to MIP, I was afraid to go to a face to face meeting. I don't like crowds, I don't like strangers, and I couldn't talk about what was going on with crying. For me, MIP was a good place to start. When I worked up the courage (for me, inevitably fueled by anger) to go to a face to face meeting, I found a lovely small meeting within walking distance of my work, so I could go over the lunch hour and recenter myself. Some days there were just two of us at the meeting. Most of the time 3-5, very rarely more than 8. That group was the right fit for me, My current home group is 14 on a busy day, and 2 on a quiet one. Not all groups are the same size. A lot of people I know prefer the huge meetings with rows of chairs and a podium. That wasn't a good fit for me, and both of my face to face meetings are much smaller, with people sitting around a table. I would encourage you to try out some different meetings - each meeting has its own flavor and size, and there might be just the perfect meeting out there for you nearby!
And I agree with you - love isn't enough to stop them from drinking. The more I tried to help my wife stop drinking, the more she drank. When I stopped helping and started to focus on what I would and would not accept and what was right for me and my life, that's when she stopped drinking. It seemed ironic and counter-intuitive - she got better when I gave up, but my decision to stop helping allowed her to feel the natural consequences of her own actions and decisions, and I think that is what made the difference.
I hope you keep coming back, and I hope you make today a good day. I always start my days with AlAnon program work, because that gets my head into the space I need it to be for the rest of the day.
Iamhere said
Nov 15, 2017
Hey there Carly - thank you for your honest and powerful share. I can so relate - before Al-Anon, I woke up with dread, fear, anger and sadness. As I laid down each night, it was much the same. I had talked, shouted, cried, begged, pleaded and then some until I was voiceless and came to realize, through Al-Anon, that I was truly powerless over other people, places, things, actions, thoughts, values, deeds, etc.
For me, the fellowship carried me until I could stand on my own. Slowly, using what was suggested, I found my way back to loving me and putting me first. I also agree that love is not enough - and things got better for me when I focused on myself and worked to heal how I am/respond to this disease.
I hope you find your courage and check out some meetings. If you do, I might suggest you attend with an open mind, and try to hear the similarities instead of the differences. Recovery has been a game-changer for me, and I'm very grateful for the program and all the tools it's provided me.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
Freetime said
Nov 15, 2017
Carly, welcome. I can relate to that feeling of dread waking up in the morning.
It is a hard time you are going through now: job change, relationship change ... change is hard and scary. I've gone through some changes like that. Now that I've come out the other side and have a better life than ever before, I like to think about the pain of change as something like childbirth. Yes, it is painful, but you get something wonderful. Another change I went through was when the job I loved was eliminated/outsourced. That was so stressful and shook me to my core, but I ended up with a job that turned out to be so much better. And then I discovered my husband was an alcoholic ... and I survived that too.
As others have said, I encourage you to try some Al-Anon meetings. You don't have to speak if you don't want to. The other people are strangers only until they start sharing their experience ... and then we know that we have something deep in common. We have all been affected by someone else's drinking.
I love how you've discovered that love should not hurt. It's true, and there are more great discoveries when we are open to them.
Most days this is how I wake up. As the day goes on I do get better as I will speak to myself and do things to take my mind off my AH.
todsy Is not a good day Ive woke up shoutwe at my kids and now I feel terrible.
I feel hurt and rejected today and used. AH keeps sending me messages each day - sMall ones. their seeing someone else as well. just needs to leave me alone. its about control, attention and manipulation.
I have a meeting with. My boss on Friday and Im resigning from work ( so I dont have To see AH anymore). Start my new job next week without any painful reminders in my face everytime I go to work. Ill cut all contact then and I wont be replying to any messages. I cant do detachment its going to have to be llike this. If it was just the drink I could possibly do that but I forgive disrespecting our relationship by starting up meaningless relationships with other women. And not only that but its the total denial of it. Other people telling me Whilst they deny anything is going on, saying Im paranoid.
I think you get to a point where you just end up having enough and thats where Im at. Love is not not enough to stop them drinking and just Because you love someone you shouldnt have to endure Hurt and pain like this. If someone refuses help for their disease then what else can you do for them.
I read a poem online the other day about love and Id never thought about it like that. it said that love should not hurt. And it shouldnt.
I just Wish I would stop waking up with these feelings. And pray for the day that when I first open my eyes in the morning its not the first thing I think About. I want to go to a meeting but Im just not good with strangers and talking.
I am sorry things are so hard right now. It sound to me like you are ready to make some changes that will be good for you.
When I first came to MIP, I was afraid to go to a face to face meeting. I don't like crowds, I don't like strangers, and I couldn't talk about what was going on with crying. For me, MIP was a good place to start. When I worked up the courage (for me, inevitably fueled by anger) to go to a face to face meeting, I found a lovely small meeting within walking distance of my work, so I could go over the lunch hour and recenter myself. Some days there were just two of us at the meeting. Most of the time 3-5, very rarely more than 8. That group was the right fit for me, My current home group is 14 on a busy day, and 2 on a quiet one. Not all groups are the same size. A lot of people I know prefer the huge meetings with rows of chairs and a podium. That wasn't a good fit for me, and both of my face to face meetings are much smaller, with people sitting around a table. I would encourage you to try out some different meetings - each meeting has its own flavor and size, and there might be just the perfect meeting out there for you nearby!
And I agree with you - love isn't enough to stop them from drinking. The more I tried to help my wife stop drinking, the more she drank. When I stopped helping and started to focus on what I would and would not accept and what was right for me and my life, that's when she stopped drinking. It seemed ironic and counter-intuitive - she got better when I gave up, but my decision to stop helping allowed her to feel the natural consequences of her own actions and decisions, and I think that is what made the difference.
I hope you keep coming back, and I hope you make today a good day. I always start my days with AlAnon program work, because that gets my head into the space I need it to be for the rest of the day.
For me, the fellowship carried me until I could stand on my own. Slowly, using what was suggested, I found my way back to loving me and putting me first. I also agree that love is not enough - and things got better for me when I focused on myself and worked to heal how I am/respond to this disease.
I hope you find your courage and check out some meetings. If you do, I might suggest you attend with an open mind, and try to hear the similarities instead of the differences. Recovery has been a game-changer for me, and I'm very grateful for the program and all the tools it's provided me.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
It is a hard time you are going through now: job change, relationship change ... change is hard and scary. I've gone through some changes like that. Now that I've come out the other side and have a better life than ever before, I like to think about the pain of change as something like childbirth. Yes, it is painful, but you get something wonderful. Another change I went through was when the job I loved was eliminated/outsourced. That was so stressful and shook me to my core, but I ended up with a job that turned out to be so much better. And then I discovered my husband was an alcoholic ... and I survived that too.
As others have said, I encourage you to try some Al-Anon meetings. You don't have to speak if you don't want to. The other people are strangers only until they start sharing their experience ... and then we know that we have something deep in common. We have all been affected by someone else's drinking.
I love how you've discovered that love should not hurt. It's true, and there are more great discoveries when we are open to them.
Best wishes for brighter days ahead.